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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL and £1,500 suit - AIBU??

116 replies

LadySaundersJones · 29/05/2013 03:29

So, my DH called my ILs last night and FIL mentioned he'd 'had some good luck on the stock market' (!) and wanted to treat DH to a new suit. He told DH to go to FIL's old tailor in London and have whatever he wanted made - to the value of £1,500 (!) - and he would pay (by having the tailor sending the bill directly to FIL). DH was a shocked, said thank you (despite not wanting or needing a new suit and certainly not one worth £1,500) and told me about it.

Now, here comes the AIBU bit ... I feel very strange about the whole thing as I believe the gift is being 'structured' deliberately so that DC (2 DS) and I cannot benefit. I know it is FIL's money and he can do what he likes with it. However, £1,500 is an awful lot of money and could be used in lots of incredible ways by the whole family, particularly as they know that money is very very tight for us at the moment. Asking DH to spend such a lot on suit which is not needed/wanted just feels wrong. The fact that FIL is asking for the tailor's bill to be sent directly to him means DH cannot nip to M&S and use the difference to help the family (DH mentioned this himself),

I think this all stems from a couple of run-ins I've had with FIL over recent months (no-one ever stands up to him or questions him in any way, ever) and this feels like a strange kind of 'payback' for that. There are lots of little things that cause issues but 2 recent ones are:

  • they came to spend a week with us after Easter (they could not make Easter itself as FIL has a charity meeting he could not postpone!). During this visit, DS2 (4) developed a very high fever and we were advised by 111 to take him straight to our local hospital (we are not overly anxious parents so this was definitely unusual for us). FIL expressed his disappointment that we would not able to have Sunday lunch with them (I had managed to prepare a full 3 course do). He then refused to call their terminally ill friend who they were due to see the following day to warn her about them being in contact with a poorly child. This was on the basis that they had planned the visit, were not prepared to change their plans and were sure the lady would rather see them now than at her funeral! When I pointed out that (a) I was sure the lady would still want to see them but (b) they needed to give her all the information about being in contact with a poorly child so she could make her own decision he point-blank refused to call.
  • My DH has recently been hospitalised with severe stomach pains and went for a colonoscopy/biopsy last week. On the day before his procedure, FIL sent DH an e-mail (?!) to say that his brother (DH's uncle) who we never see/never visit/no birthday cards are sent etc (still not sure why) had just been diagnosed with bowel cancer after having the biopsy results from his colonoscopy 2 weeks ago! When I called FIL to say (a) how sorry we were about this news but (b) how the timing of the announcement perhaps could have been thought about, FIL was very dismissive and refused to even say sorry!

Lots more examples but am aware this is now far too long ...

I just need to get over it don't I?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 29/05/2013 07:33

I'm with WMittens. I think its your FIL trying to do something special for his son.

If you're really hard up though perhaps your DH could ask his FIL for cash instead.

I'd also personally steer clear of confrontation with him - leave that to your DH if you feel its really necessary.

Meery · 29/05/2013 07:34

Being nosey but does dh have siblings? If so are they getting a special gift too?

Khaleese · 29/05/2013 07:34

Oh so controlling and innapropriate!
We have been given money by FIl with suggestions for what to spend it on...holidays etc. we always stick to our guns and say it will pay down the mortgage.

Your DH needs to politely decline, something along the lines of " it very kind of you but feels so pointlessly extravagent when we have so little free cash as a family. The money could be better spent on the whole family and the suit would always feel tainted by that."

My fil is controlling and no one challenges him. except us

Cat98 · 29/05/2013 07:37

Wow I could almost have written this post - not as bad but we have very similar issues here.
I would say that in my experience it has been best just to accept this is how he is, you can't change it- accept (even unwanted gifts) graciously, and don't spend as much time with him-focus on people who treat you well. But avoid challenging him or arguing (unless something really serious ie to do with DCs).
When there was conflict, it upset dh and caused bad feeling all round. My fil I think is made that way - it's all about him, non empathetic - and it's best just to accept he's part of my dh's family, he is who he is and he does have some good qualities even though I don't necessarily agree with him in lots of things! Life is much easier now though.

Chivetalking · 29/05/2013 07:39

£1500 is a fuckload on a suit especially one that's not needed but he may just think he's doing something nice. Does he himself move in circles where no-one bats an eyelid at dropping that kind of dosh on a suit?

I think your dh needs to have a word with him and ask him if he'd consider his gift being spent in another way. If he says no you'll have your answer as to whether he's weird and controlling and your dh can just say no or never go.

Original poster
LadySaundersJones · 29/05/2013 07:43

Just wanted to say thank your for all your responses so far. First time I've ever started a thread so it's great to be given lots to think about and some helpful suggestions on how to approach this as DH and I have not discussed yet. Will see what DH thinks after work and take it from there. Those of you who've said I should keep out of this are right - I will not discuss with FIL and will let DH make his own decision.

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 29/05/2013 07:43

Agree with Daisy about the bowel cancer. Consultants always want to know if anyone else in the family has had it. So your fIl was being helpful.

Its a bit difficult with the suit. What would you have spent the money on if it was given as a gift to you all? I mean are we talking paying bills and buying food? (In which case FIL should have offered you all a treat)

CaptainJamesTKirk · 29/05/2013 07:44

Your DH jut need to say 'thanks Dad but I really don't need or want a suit'. I really don't see the problem. Your FIL issues are a separate matter IMO.

You seem to be willing to accept the money if you and your DCs benefit, which is quite hypocritical in my opinion.

MisForMumNotMaid · 29/05/2013 07:45

Do you think the suit could be linked to the brother with cancer thing? I'm just wondering if your FIL wants his son to look his best in the event theres a funeral to go to - maybe even subconciously.

I'd just let it go.

Good on your DH for discussing it with you and raising the slight awkwardness of it.

I don't think you'll change him or the relationship.

I hope that things go okay for your DH with his results.

Mamafratelli · 29/05/2013 07:45

I can see why you are upset but I think you are making this about you. Forgetting everything else he wants to treat his son. Let him.

Ledkr · 29/05/2013 07:51

Is your surname Soprano? Who the fuck else has a grand and a half suit these days?

Pendipidy · 29/05/2013 07:54

I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill and you should wind your neck in! It is a between a dad and his son . Why are you making it all about you? Just let your husband decide what he wants to do. The most telling part of your op is your exclamation marks over an email being sent. So what?

Bobyan · 29/05/2013 07:56

Are you sure you're not going to be stuck with the bill...

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 29/05/2013 07:56

I feel a bit sorry for the DH in this tbh. Dad controlling him on one side and DW on the other. He's an adult who can make his own mind up, yes?

Ledkr · 29/05/2013 07:57

My ds has a child with his gf and they are struggling. No way would I give him that amount of money when it could be put to better use on his whole family.
YANBU

Original poster
LadySaundersJones · 29/05/2013 08:02

Yes, I agree it is between FIL and DH which is why I will let him make his own decision, just felt weird hence the post. Personally, I was a bit shocked that someone would choose to communicate news about a bowel cancer diagnosis by e-mail (and by bccing) - always thought it best to do these things over the 'phone/in person but I know everyone reacts to/breaks this kind of news differently.

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 29/05/2013 08:05

'let him make his own decision'

Tell me I'm taking that the wrong way.

Original poster
LadySaundersJones · 29/05/2013 08:11

Sorry, didn't mean that the way it must sound but not sure how else to say it! DH has not really discussed it and I know it is between him and FIL. The other stuff is between me and FIL and will not be discussed - just felt strange given the context. Hope this helps.

OP posts:
Pendipidy · 29/05/2013 08:18

And i think you are cheeky thinking the gift is structured so you can't benefit. Do you have a right to fil.s money? He can give it to whoever he likes, and if its obviously not you, i can see why!

marriedinwhiteagain · 29/05/2013 08:21

If FIL has always had tailored suits, he probably does not realise the disproportionate cost compared to TM Lewin. 1500 is nowhere near top end of tailor made. It will last for years and take your DH through special occasions/interviews for at least a decade.

You are doing the hard yards right now but it won't always be like that. In the meantime I'd keep out of it unless the ILs are unkind to you or the DC.

reelingintheyears · 29/05/2013 08:25

I think that when you become an adult and have your own family and someone wants to give you a gift they don't get to stipulate what you get,particularly if it's not what you want or need.
My Mum used to bung £100 into my a/c every now and then which was always a nice surprise.

Consultants will always ask if you have cancer in the family but there is no rush to go into details with them,you get sent forms and a sort of family tree to fill in if you want to ,there is no requirement to fill it in and the hospital will not contact any family anyway.

I think it was insensitive to tell his son this this the day before a worrying procedure if he knew his son was having it done.

diddl · 29/05/2013 08:26

Wouldn't care about not benifitting myself, but odd he doesn't want to treat the GC as well imo.

But I'm sure the husband can say no/I'd rather you treat the kids/yes please!

LadyFlumpalot · 29/05/2013 08:27

On the one hand I see what you mean, OP. My MIL occasionally decides we need something but will take us shopping for it herself so we always get something SHE wants (that will sit unused until she comes round to use it). This annoys me, because I think that we could find much better use for £100 than some new sodding towels or whatever.

HOWEVER. Sometimes my own mum takes me to Bath and pays for me to have a treatment at the Spa and a nice meal. This isn't a birthday present or anything, just a mum/daughter treat. DH and DS get nothing out of that spend.

I'm getting splinters in my bum from sitting on the fence here.

calmingtea · 29/05/2013 08:29

Really don't see the problem. Your FIL sounds like he wanted to do something really nice and special for his son. He is allowed to want to do this.

Original poster
LadySaundersJones · 29/05/2013 08:31

Hi Pendipidy - I'm sorry if I've caused any misunderstanding/offence - it was not my intention. I do not think I/DC have any 'right' to FIL's money and acknowledged this upfront . I was trying, perhaps poorly, to communicate the fact that it just felt a bit odd/weird but have no intention of 'controlling' DH and know that it is in lots of way a lovely father/son gesture.

OP posts:
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