FIL and £1,500 suit - AIBU??

[LadySaundersJones]

So, my DH called my ILs last night and FIL mentioned he'd 'had some good luck on the stock market' (!) and wanted to treat DH to a new suit. He told DH to go to FIL's old tailor in London and have whatever he wanted made - to the value of £1,500 (!) - and he would pay (by having the tailor sending the bill directly to FIL). DH was a shocked, said thank you (despite not wanting or needing a new suit and certainly not one worth £1,500) and told me about it.

Now, here comes the AIBU bit ... I feel very strange about the whole thing as I believe the gift is being 'structured' deliberately so that DC (2 DS) and I cannot benefit. I know it is FIL's money and he can do what he likes with it. However, £1,500 is an awful lot of money and could be used in lots of incredible ways by the whole family, particularly as they know that money is very very tight for us at the moment. Asking DH to spend such a lot on suit which is not needed/wanted just feels wrong. The fact that FIL is asking for the tailor's bill to be sent directly to him means DH cannot nip to M&S and use the difference to help the family (DH mentioned this himself),

I think this all stems from a couple of run-ins I've had with FIL over recent months (no-one ever stands up to him or questions him in any way, ever) and this feels like a strange kind of 'payback' for that. There are lots of little things that cause issues but 2 recent ones are:

• they came to spend a week with us after Easter (they could not make Easter itself as FIL has a charity meeting he could not postpone!). During this visit, DS2 (4) developed a very high fever and we were advised by 111 to take him straight to our local hospital (we are not overly anxious parents so this was definitely unusual for us). FIL expressed his disappointment that we would not able to have Sunday lunch with them (I had managed to prepare a full 3 course do). He then refused to call their terminally ill friend who they were due to see the following day to warn her about them being in contact with a poorly child. This was on the basis that they had planned the visit, were not prepared to change their plans and were sure the lady would rather see them now than at her funeral! When I pointed out that (a) I was sure the lady would still want to see them but (b) they needed to give her all the information about being in contact with a poorly child so she could make her own decision he point-blank refused to call.

• My DH has recently been hospitalised with severe stomach pains and went for a colonoscopy/biopsy last week. On the day before his procedure, FIL sent DH an e-mail (?!) to say that his brother (DH's uncle) who we never see/never visit/no birthday cards are sent etc (still not sure why) had just been diagnosed with bowel cancer after having the biopsy results from his colonoscopy 2 weeks ago! When I called FIL to say (a) how sorry we were about this news but (b) how the timing of the announcement perhaps could have been thought about, FIL was very dismissive and refused to even say sorry!

Lots more examples but am aware this is now far too long ...

I just need to get over it don't I?

Purely on your question about fil buying him a suit,I think yabu.

He may have perfectly legit reasons to not want to help you out of financial issues but nothing wrong with him buying his own son a gift.

Your FIL sounds very much like my parents; everything has to suit them and has strings attached, and of course is referred to in arguments or if we won't do as they say.

I think your DH's best bet would be to say to your FIL that he would prefer the money instead so that it can be split between you all and so that you can all enjoy a nice treat/new clothes/holiday/whatever.

He can't say that he would prefer the money for something else! That would be stupidly rude!

The money isn't on offer, a suit is on offer. The DH can take it or leave it but he can't expect to change the terms of the offer.

YABCompletelyU

Whatever FIL's motives may be (and you have no idea what they are), its his money to spend as he pleases.

If my FIL (or, indeed, your FIL) wanted to give my husband a saville row tailored suit, I would be touched - its a very fatherly thing to do, and a properly tailored suit will last a lifetime. Some fathers see it as part of their son's inheritance - a way of passing down a piece of heritage, as a substitute for jewellery which women can inherit.

Why do some people always manage to read the worst into things. Get over yourself OP and don't be so fucking ungrateful.

I don't think it would be rude at all, CloudsAndTrees, although of course it depends on what his relationship with his parents is like.

I've lived with my DH for 15 years and I find it almost impossible to think of anything to treat him to in any way - either for pressies or for his bonus. I think you are reading way way too much into this.

For FIL to have "his" tailor who is happy to send the bill directly to FIL, suits must be something your FIL considers important, and probably an investment. And there is a pretty good chance that he cannot think of another way to treat his son.

Without all the other stuff is it possible that fil has always want dh to have a suit from there?

£1500 on one suit is silly but what your DH's father seems to be saying is "get yourself some nice new togs up to a value of £1500". If this would be acceptable to fil then actually it would help the family because he could get himself several pairs I trews, some beautifully made shirts and a couple of jackets for that money in header fabrics from te tailor which means far less family money going on his clothes over the next few years. (Let's face it, high street work clothes have a fairly limited lifespan!) my family are in the exact same financial situation as you and my mum an aunt frequently treat me to a haircut or some new clothes because they know I would worry about budgeting for them and just make do and mend otherwise! These gifts aren't strictly speaking for dh or dc but do mean a little more money to spend on family treats in the long run..... I think this is well meaning and your understandable stress over your husbands tests and recent run ins with IL's has squewed your view.

Hth

Cheaper not header! Bloody phone!

I think you may be reading a little too much into the suit giving. Sure, it's an expensive gesture and actually, the money might be a lot more useful but you don't sound overly keen on your FIL and I wonder if this is colouring your judgement a bit. Also, it may well be that your FIL wants to give your DH something tangible and memorable rather than just bung money his way.

As for the bowel cancer, this is rather close to home since my DH has been diagnosed at an unfortunately advanced stage. He told his brother on the phone but my BIL did follow up the conversation with a very supportive email. As it sounds as if your FIL has. I also realise that the timing wasn't great given your DH's tests and imminent results but actually, the information will be very helpful to his consultant. However, I still think that a bcc email was a somewhat impersonal way to break this sort of news and think your FIL ought to have phoned. Having said this, a diagnosis of bowel cancer is the sort of bombshell that can make people behave very reactively.

Maybe your FIL just wants to treat his son because he is worried about him. Some men aren't good at emotional stuff and buying a suit is your FIL's way of letting your DH know that he cares, when he can't say it face to face. Writing an email to his own brother rather than phoning to talk to him directly does suggest a certain amount of difficulty with tackling emotional issues!

Taken as a whole, with all the things you described, it might well be your FIL being manipulative. On the other hand, all the other examples you give might be manipulative and so you have labelled this one the same. It is possible that it might not be and that the offer is being made with a good faith. It is really difficult to tell without probing further but that might just make a nice gesture turn a bit sour.

I think the best thing to do is to leave DH to accept or reject the gift as he sees fit. After all, even if he takes the suit, it doesn't make anything worse for you. Your situation isn't affected by it one little bit.

Kind of makes you the controlling one in this scenario. A parent wants to give his child a specific gift and you think as his wife you are entitled to dictate what that gift should be. Or worse, you want the cash equivalent so you can benefit too. You clearly don't like your FIL and he probably doesn't like you back. Why are you surprised he doesn't want to spend his money on a gift you could enjoy?

Also, Dads (for whom things like this are important) often see "Buying the lad a good suit" as something to do for your DH's Graduation/First Job/Wedding Day and maybe he has regretted for years that, for whatever reason he was unable to do this.

have a think it there might have been something like that going on - Did you get married abroad? Did your DH miss his graduation because he was ill? Was his first job on a farm...? All sorts of potential reasons that your FIL has always wanted to be a bit of a traditionalist/caveman about "clothing his boy ready for the world" and has been unable to do it...

YABU. I'll add this to the list of things I have to take into consideration when I finally become an in-law - I can't treat my DS to something unless his wife benefits from it too.

Yabu. A tailored suit is a very good, thoughtful and clever gift.

You clearly dislike and have no respect for your dhs parents. You have your own views of them, and I am sure they reciprocate... They sound quite elderly, and well off. I bet they worry about the difference between them and him - ie him being skint (yet works in an environment where he is required to wear good suits)

What good would a money present do you? You would probably just treat the kids, buy them some clothes and some toys, maybe a day or two at Butlins/Haven.

A good suit on the other hand, can serve a man well. You know the old saying "Dress for the role you want to have, not the role you already have".

A good suit is a message to your dh to get his act together, start earning, provide for his family so you can all live in style.

I dont know about you, if you are a sahm, maybe you should consider working if you are skint. And if you are not a sahm, maybe you too could benefit from a good work suit. And if so, could your dh ask his dad "Wifey is overjoyed with your good present for me, and she things she could also benefit from one, so do you mind if the tailor makes two suits within this budget, one for each of us? Time for us to get ahead and advance our careers" Or something to that effect.

After all, you know the British, easily impressed. Under our new (female) director in my previous job, two young women got promoted within weeks, one for professing her love for Thomas Pink shirts - upon noticing that the director worse those, and the other after mentioning "my parents are part of the Sussex set - we have a holiday cottage down there we use it for the weekend". Posterity is all.

DrGoogle this isn't really about treating the son. It's fine to treat the son, but to insist that the money is spent on a hugely expensive unnecessary item is absurd. If I had a choice of a £1500 suit or nothing at all, I'd go with nothing at all. Not out of spite, out of shame - I couldn't walk around in a additional/unnecessary £1500 suit when my family needed essentials, it would make me feel sick - quite apart from the worry of damaging something so expensive.

MOTU

Excellent idea, very sensible.

It's fine to treat the son, but to insist that the money is spent on a hugely expensive unnecessary item is absurd.

No it isn't. It's no different to presenting the son with a particular item, such as a watch, which has been purchased as a gift. The only difference is that a suit is made to measure, so it has to be given in the form of "credit" so that the suit can be tailored to the individual. I can't think of anyone rude enough who would ask someone to take back an unsolicited gift and ask for the cash instead, which is essentially what some people are suggesting.

I really don't see what the big deal is here. Like other PP's have said, he's probably showing his son that he cares in the best way he knows how.

I think it's a lovely gift. A quality bespoke suit lasts for a very very long time and is just about indestructible. It's classic and elegant and I cannot believe that a grown man wouldn't need a good suit regularly (even if he wears jeans to the office). Also, FIL's generation were a lot more careful about their attire - a custom-made suit means something to him. They didn't go out and buy a cheap suit that went shiny in 18 months and needed replacing. They invested instead in the highest quality, and over time weren't spending any more money than buying cheaper suits.

As others have pointed out, this really really isn't about you. It's a gift from father to son. It's beyond rude to think of "cashing" the gift in for something for your family.

I think the gift of a good suit from a father to son is a very understandable one, particularly as the FIL clearly uses a tailor. My dad would so do this. I agree with MOTU that the money could stretch to more clothes, at the very least 2 pairs of trousers for the jacket which is a very normal, sensible request for the tailor. Please don't ruin this gift for your husband.

The other stuff I think is all very explainable too, not enough evidence here that the FIL is that unreasonable.

After all, you know the British, easily impressed.

Thanks for that insight Quint,that's me all over,easily impressed.

Yabu, don't see what's wrong in a parent treating their child to something. It's an obscene amount of money to spend on a suit imo, but if he's flush, then why not.

He has come into some money and wants to treat his son to something expensive. He has a tailor so knows that tailored suits are nice and wants his son to have one. Let's face it, buying expensive gifts for men is quite difficult, jewellery and handbags being out of the question.

He probably thinks he's being really nice, not thinking 'hah, how can I screw my DIL over?'

It would be mean to throw it back in his face.

Yabu, Fil can spend or gift his money however he likes. I can see why it grates when you are short of money though

Another one who does not see a problem here.

A decent bespoke suit with a spare pair of trousers, couple of nice shirts, tie and a new pair of Churches shoes will easily mop up £1500 but will look good for years.