FIL and £1,500 suit - AIBU??

[LadySaundersJones]

So, my DH called my ILs last night and FIL mentioned he'd 'had some good luck on the stock market' (!) and wanted to treat DH to a new suit. He told DH to go to FIL's old tailor in London and have whatever he wanted made - to the value of £1,500 (!) - and he would pay (by having the tailor sending the bill directly to FIL). DH was a shocked, said thank you (despite not wanting or needing a new suit and certainly not one worth £1,500) and told me about it.

Now, here comes the AIBU bit ... I feel very strange about the whole thing as I believe the gift is being 'structured' deliberately so that DC (2 DS) and I cannot benefit. I know it is FIL's money and he can do what he likes with it. However, £1,500 is an awful lot of money and could be used in lots of incredible ways by the whole family, particularly as they know that money is very very tight for us at the moment. Asking DH to spend such a lot on suit which is not needed/wanted just feels wrong. The fact that FIL is asking for the tailor's bill to be sent directly to him means DH cannot nip to M&S and use the difference to help the family (DH mentioned this himself),

I think this all stems from a couple of run-ins I've had with FIL over recent months (no-one ever stands up to him or questions him in any way, ever) and this feels like a strange kind of 'payback' for that. There are lots of little things that cause issues but 2 recent ones are:

• they came to spend a week with us after Easter (they could not make Easter itself as FIL has a charity meeting he could not postpone!). During this visit, DS2 (4) developed a very high fever and we were advised by 111 to take him straight to our local hospital (we are not overly anxious parents so this was definitely unusual for us). FIL expressed his disappointment that we would not able to have Sunday lunch with them (I had managed to prepare a full 3 course do). He then refused to call their terminally ill friend who they were due to see the following day to warn her about them being in contact with a poorly child. This was on the basis that they had planned the visit, were not prepared to change their plans and were sure the lady would rather see them now than at her funeral! When I pointed out that (a) I was sure the lady would still want to see them but (b) they needed to give her all the information about being in contact with a poorly child so she could make her own decision he point-blank refused to call.

• My DH has recently been hospitalised with severe stomach pains and went for a colonoscopy/biopsy last week. On the day before his procedure, FIL sent DH an e-mail (?!) to say that his brother (DH's uncle) who we never see/never visit/no birthday cards are sent etc (still not sure why) had just been diagnosed with bowel cancer after having the biopsy results from his colonoscopy 2 weeks ago! When I called FIL to say (a) how sorry we were about this news but (b) how the timing of the announcement perhaps could have been thought about, FIL was very dismissive and refused to even say sorry!

Lots more examples but am aware this is now far too long ...

I just need to get over it don't I?

I'm in the yabu camp as well OP, sorry. I can see where you are coming from...my fil is well off where we are not, and has in the past bought dh designer shirts as gifts at £150 a pop, when we are struggling to pay the bills...so I do understand.
However...I have never seen it as my right to benefit from fil's gifts to dh myself. It's between them...father and son. Nothing to do with me.

And it is absolutely not all about you.

Thanks so much for all the replies - it's helped a lot. I can see it's not about me/DC/the family and is a father/son thing. Just felt weird - maybe would have been less weird if, as has been said, it was a suit, some spare trousers, shirts etc which would spread things out and probably be more what DH would appreciate - genuinely think DH will feel odd in such an expensive suit but know it will be lovely. However, I agree it is for DH and FIL to sort out - have no intention of discussing with PILS or 'controlling' DH in anyway.

Just make sure fil pays the bill! You don't want to end up paying for something you don't want or need...

I think its very odd for adults to think a gift of an item actually means a gift of the cash value of that item instead. Very rude

It is a very strange situation. If your husband was a £1,500 suit kind of man, then fair enough, but it does sound to me that FIL is deliberately choosing something which won't benefit anyone but his son, which, given your financial situation is odd.

He might not know the detail of your finances but he must see you don't take holidays etc so surely he can see a £1,500 sut is not in-keeping with your lifestyle.

Is DH likely to accept the offer or might he suggest it isn't really his thing?

YABVU and grabby. A gift is not about money, it is about the thought and the relationship it signifies. Your FIL wants to give your DH a good suit, which is not only very sensible (as Quintessentially has said v eloquently) but also something that lasts and will in years to come be a memento of your FIL. Encourage DH to be grateful and choose a cut that will age well.

On the bowel cancer email I agree that a call would have been preferable but the timing was spot on; waiting until after the colonoscopy would have denied the doctors crucial info,

I'm thinking how many times l have treated my DD or DS who both have families and one in particular (mainly because of poor choice of partner -now ex) always seems to be scrimping and scraping and living hand to mouth.
Yet l have treated them both to slap up meals in a nice restaurant, or my DD to a hairdo or either of them to a nice pair of jeans or piece of jewellery etc etc any one of which would have probably paid off a bill or fed their DCs for a week (my DGCs obv.)
The thing is though l want them to now and again experience the finer things in life and have a break from the drudgery of struggling etc.
I know full well if l just gave them £50 quid it would go on an electric bill or be spent on their partner or the DGCs and not on them.

I of course do help them out if no money for food etc obviously.

I agree that it's between father and son. As someone else said, if your mum took you for a spa break to give you a treat I doubt you would feel like you had to refuse and ask for the cash instead? Even when we are married we are still 'children' of our parents and they sometimes see us that way. If he doesn't want the present then he should say, oh if you really want to buy me something how about x instead? Eg my in-laws once offered to buy my husband an expensive briefcase when he got a promotion and he said that he appreciated they wanted a gift but how about a proper winter work coat instead and people don't really use briefcases so much these days and he would prefer coat. Sounds like there could be an issue with your dh not wing able to talk to his dad openly?

My PIL buy dp an M&S shirt or similar for each birthday and xmas. That's it for the year.
If they bought him an expensive suit I would be delighted for him because it would be a valuing gesture towards him as an individual which he would appreciate. It would be even better if it was a present he particularly wanted but I would still be thrilled on dp's behalf for this to happen to him.
Dd and I get similar value pressies to dp and actually I feel this is wrong and feel that PIL should treat their only son a bit better than this. DD and I don't care what we get but for dp it is a sign of how much they value him and therefore much more important. Or at least that's how I see it.
It is not for PIL to help your family financial situation imo, but it is their job to make your dh feel valued and loved by them.
It is of course nicest to buy a present that the receiver would prefer rather than one the giver would like to give but PIL are not perfect.
Many parents like to be controlling in their gift buying so if you think the gift comes at too high a price you should refuse it. I walked away from a potentially huge inheritance for this reason and don't regret it at all.

I think you are over thinking it, sorry. FIL can spend his money how he chooses.

I think it would depend on your wider relationship with Pils to be fair.

If they do not treat their GC well for instance, then perhaps a

" thank you, this is a wonderful gesture but unfortunately not one I can accept at this present time, whilst I would dearly like a special suit, I could not feel comfortable walking round in it, or have it sit in the wardrobe when my own DS need things."

We had our own "suitgate" - caused massive ruck, obviously different circumstances mil decided DH must wear a suit she had brought for him to a family function. We had FIL phoning up trying to force DH into going to get it...

However, if my own very difficult FIl offered something like this, I think whilst I would be the same over the money, and the extreme lack of it here, I would actually think its a good gesture. I would be quite touched.

As others have said, its hard to pass on special things from father to son, and with the bowl cancer's and so on, maybe he is wanting to do something special. My own DF tried to do this for his sons.

Re the bowl cancer, I do not think there is anything wrong with the email.

People find it hard to chat esp men, I do not think its insensitive. In fact, I would be the opposite to you, if my DH was having tests, then it came out much later that a family member had it, I would be furious, I am a big believer in sharing information.

In the same token, I think they should have mentioned the illness to the terminally ill friend.

oh to add to my ramble would he be expected to wear it to family functions. If so, then a polite decline.

MindyourownBusiness

I agree I think I would do the same to give my DC a break from drudgery if thats what they had day to day.

On balance I think yabu. I'm sure it's not meant as a dig for you, and the examples you list certainly don't warrant anything of the sort.

Let the man do something special for his son.

Thank you Rambling l have been proven right on a couple of occasions when l used to just give them money or vouchers etc for their birthdays, my DD especially would be walking round in same old rags a week after her birthday and my DGCs would have mysteriously acquired new clothes from M&S (or wherever the voucher was for) and on going in the fridge l would notice M&S was apparently where they now did their grocery shopping instead of Asda.