FIL and £1,500 suit - AIBU??

[LadySaundersJones]

So, my DH called my ILs last night and FIL mentioned he'd 'had some good luck on the stock market' (!) and wanted to treat DH to a new suit. He told DH to go to FIL's old tailor in London and have whatever he wanted made - to the value of £1,500 (!) - and he would pay (by having the tailor sending the bill directly to FIL). DH was a shocked, said thank you (despite not wanting or needing a new suit and certainly not one worth £1,500) and told me about it.

Now, here comes the AIBU bit ... I feel very strange about the whole thing as I believe the gift is being 'structured' deliberately so that DC (2 DS) and I cannot benefit. I know it is FIL's money and he can do what he likes with it. However, £1,500 is an awful lot of money and could be used in lots of incredible ways by the whole family, particularly as they know that money is very very tight for us at the moment. Asking DH to spend such a lot on suit which is not needed/wanted just feels wrong. The fact that FIL is asking for the tailor's bill to be sent directly to him means DH cannot nip to M&S and use the difference to help the family (DH mentioned this himself),

I think this all stems from a couple of run-ins I've had with FIL over recent months (no-one ever stands up to him or questions him in any way, ever) and this feels like a strange kind of 'payback' for that. There are lots of little things that cause issues but 2 recent ones are:

• they came to spend a week with us after Easter (they could not make Easter itself as FIL has a charity meeting he could not postpone!). During this visit, DS2 (4) developed a very high fever and we were advised by 111 to take him straight to our local hospital (we are not overly anxious parents so this was definitely unusual for us). FIL expressed his disappointment that we would not able to have Sunday lunch with them (I had managed to prepare a full 3 course do). He then refused to call their terminally ill friend who they were due to see the following day to warn her about them being in contact with a poorly child. This was on the basis that they had planned the visit, were not prepared to change their plans and were sure the lady would rather see them now than at her funeral! When I pointed out that (a) I was sure the lady would still want to see them but (b) they needed to give her all the information about being in contact with a poorly child so she could make her own decision he point-blank refused to call.

• My DH has recently been hospitalised with severe stomach pains and went for a colonoscopy/biopsy last week. On the day before his procedure, FIL sent DH an e-mail (?!) to say that his brother (DH's uncle) who we never see/never visit/no birthday cards are sent etc (still not sure why) had just been diagnosed with bowel cancer after having the biopsy results from his colonoscopy 2 weeks ago! When I called FIL to say (a) how sorry we were about this news but (b) how the timing of the announcement perhaps could have been thought about, FIL was very dismissive and refused to even say sorry!

Lots more examples but am aware this is now far too long ...

I just need to get over it don't I?

I don't think the OP is cheeky,i have OLs who used to insist we had what they wanted,like buying a buggy which was useless for my needs and had to be taken back and changed much to their annoyance.
Then they wanted to buy DD a swing for the garden,we had a small garden and the one they wanted her to have was huge,DP went to buy it with his sister with money they had sent down with her and strict instructions of what to get,he bought a smaller one and the row that ensued still reverberates today,20 years on!
They implied that the left over money was spent on ourselves which it most certainly was not.

Yanbu at all. Dont accept th suit, as someone has said he could refuse to ah fr the suit if he's that spiteful so you woul be lumbered with a £1,000 suit. I think he s being spiteful by just treating your dh to this one exesive item, instead f doing something for his grandchildren

The bowel cancer thing was probably an attempt to be helpful by letting him tell his doctor, so they checked extra carefully. My DF does many things by email, including extremely significant personal announcements. Some people just do. Telling him to behave according to your idea of good manners is pretty cheeky.

The illness thing, hmm, not good but you're attuned to childhood illnesses, implications and vulnerability, they're not, so probably not an unusual attitude.

It's entirely possible that he's always wanted to give your DH a good suit and sees it as some sort of right of passage of adulthood. If your DH really doesn't want and won't ever wear it, he can say so and FIL can choose another (possibly equally frivolous) gift, or not bother.

I dont get the excitement about a tailor made suit. Really, it isnt that special an experience and while it is nice to have a garment which fits just right it is something which I think you choose for yourself or something which you might choose to give to your son/daughter when they first start out in life in their first 'proper' job.

It does seem to me to be odd for a father to buy his grown-up-married-with-children son. It would feel to me a bit odd if my DFiL were to do something like that for my DH. A bit like if DMiL were to buy DH some shirts or pants or something!

Would your DH prefer something like a watch and the balance spent on a treat for the family?

Your post comes across as you feel like youre entitled to his money because youre struggling and youre married to his son.

I'm trying to imagine my Mum offering to spend £1500 on a cocktail frock for me knowing that we're a bit hard up and therefore unlikely to be going anywhere where i would wear such a thing.
I would have just said no thanks.

I think you sound rather controlling. At Christmas and birthdays do you insist on being given money do you can choose what you want rather than let none buy you a gift? It isn't a money gift, it s a gift of a suit. As for the other things it's not your place to be telling your inlaws what to do with regards to THEIR friends and their social arrangements. With regards the email it sounds very useful as further info for the hospital appointment. Perhaps email wasn't the best way to convey the info but some people are funny about things like that. You sound very self centred.

Large extravagent gifts often come with strings attached ime. Have had suit wars here in the past (although normal priced ones!!)

What does DH think?

"It will last for years and take your DH through special occasions/interviews for at least a decade."

As long as DH never puts on/loses weight, spills anything on it, snags/rips the fabric, has a dry cleaning incident or unless styles (size and width of lapels, fabric patterns, single/double breasted etc) never change/date. DH and I have both bought nice coats in the past (for a few hundred pounds, not thousands) and its amazing how quickly they date, even if at the time they seemed completely classic and neutral.

Unless I was so seriously rich that all my clothes cost so much (I wish!) I'd be worried about wearing something that cost so much money because I couldn't relax in case I spilt something or damaged it somehow.

OP not sure if YABU or not. I can see how FIL seems to be being controlling by dictating how the money is spent, but perhaps to him this is a huge treat. My own FIL would probably do something similar and not see why anyone would have a problem with it as he was just being nice.

Then i think of my own DS and his GF and they're new baby,would i want to give him an exclusive gift?
I can understand the FiL wanting his son to have a well cut suit,some people like them,but not if the family are hard up.

Selfish people take pleasure in their choice of gift ie the gift pleases them rather than the recipient.

Selfless people think about how the gift will be received and the pleasure derived by the recipient.

I suspect your FIL is controlling and is not used to being challenged.

It is recommended that city professionals spend 10% of their salary on suits/ shoes.

I can also liken the situation to the poster whose Mum likes to treat her to lunch and a spa day, which would be considered more of an extravagance than say a big shop at Tesco.

Is your FIL a bit of a show off? Does he like to flash his cash or does he just want his son to enjoy the finer things in life he enjoys himself.

Sounds fucked up and controlling. I'd just say no thanks to the suit. I'd hate to wear something that expensive anyway.

The bowel cancer thing has got me thinking. Maybe it wasn't the most tactful way of discussing this with his son, but he may be afraid to discuss this with his son. He is probably frightened. Fathers and sons often have strange ways of communicating with each other that seem a bit alien to others.

Rethink the scenario and put yourself in your FIL's position. Would you not be frightened and worried if your son needed to have these investigtions especially when your brother had only just been diagnosed with bowel cancer. Would you want to spend money on your son and buy him an extravagant gift, maybe his father had bought him a suit and he's remembered it as an amazing gift because he was grateful at the time.

I think you need to think carefully before butting in, it makes you like bad. Your answer to your DH should have been 'wow that's really generous, do you want a made to measure suit?' he'd have said 'not especially but why not?' or 'I'd love it'. Your response however appears to have been 'well that's not fair, but what about me and the DCs?'.

I wish your husband well and hope everything is fine with his investigation.

It depends how skint you are IMO. If you are alright for money then yes, nice (if OTT) gesture to his son. If (like me) you are utterly penniless and crying most days over the fact that you are struggling to meet day to day living expenses with the looming prospect of an electricity bill you won't be able to pay, then no, YANBU, because even if it is his money to spend as he pleases, who sees their son struggling for money and his wife and children too, and thinks "I know! Posh suit!"??? If someone offered to buy my DH some jeans and a couple of t shirts I'd have their hand off, he needs them and we can't afford them. If someone offered him a £1500 suit I'd be furiously insulted that they would think it appropriate to give a gift like that to someone who may go hungry towards the end of the week as money runs out.

I agree that it's controlling. To most families with young children, £1500 is a huge amount of money, and there's all sorts of lovely things you could do with it - go on a nice holiday, put in a new carpet, buy some clothes for the kids, or just put it in the bank for a rainy day. Who on earth really wants or needs an expensive suit? The generous thing to do would be just to hand over the money and let the family spend it as they wish - assuming you're not a pair of drug addicts or alcoholics, of course.

i agree with worra, this is a gift with a sting in the tail, and very controlling of him too

if/when my dad has ever come into a bit of money, he wouldnt dream of telling his children 'here go and order yourself [insert gift of his choice] and i will pay'

he has always gone 'here is £xxx amount for you and your family, go and spend it how you like'

he sounds very odd

It does seem controlling, and rather like he's saying that his son should be wearing 'proper' suits - that by picking the tailor he's also insisting his taste should be your DHs, your DH might want a designer suit, or use a different tailor, he's also making sure the tailor knows full well this is an act of charity by making sure hte bill is sent to him, not getting your DH to settle it and your FIL give him the money back. (again, taking away the option of your DH having a choice).

But it's up to your DH if he wants to accept it or not.

Just to add, I wouldn't be furious that they wouldn't give cash, but that they would flaunt their disposable income to
a person that is struggling. It would seem thoughtless at best and cruel at worst.

My DHs gran and aunt recently bought us a washing machine after ours broke. That was a thoughtful gift.

Thought it may be helpful to clarify the money situation. I think we're in the same position as most in that we shop at Lidl/Aldi (actually don't think I'd go back to the others even if we had lots of £ now!), meal plan, don't eat out, manage heating very carefully, no holiday for last 2 years but doing a week camping in UK this year, e-bay/music magpie things we don't need etc. Have lots of things to do around the house but have put them on hold. So, I overall I think we're actually pretty lucky as we're not worrying about feeding DC but taking care/budgeting if that makes sense?

My DF is better off than we are and I love that he brings a touch of luxury to our lives. I like champagne for birthdays, meals out and the pretty dresses he buys dd, though I wouldn't buy any of these if it was my money. It isn't, it's his and if he gets pleasure from treating us, that's lovely.

Gifts are gifts and people's financial circumstances are all different, entirely their own business and often incongruous within extended families. If you're on the breadline that's one thing but I wouldn't want family members to be too interested in the detail of our finances, it would feel intrusive.

Your FIL is clearly a difficult man to deal with, but I don't think that makes him a bad person, and I certainly can't see how him wanting to buy his son a tailored suit means he is controlling! That seems like a massive leap to make to me.

You are probably worried about your DH and finances so you are tying an innocent gesture into something that is completely unrelated.

I think it would be very unkind of you to talk about the fact that you think the suit thing is weird with your DH. Just let him enjoy this little treat that his Dad wants to give him.

Communicating about cancer by email - people in the Olden Days always sent notes to each other, sometimes very terse. (I found a stash of them in my great aunt's old house, many written in the 50s on the occasion of her mother dying, very interesting)

I think there is a lot going on for your FIL and just because he is not talking about his brother doesn't mean that the suit and the brother are not connected.

Possible meanings:

How long will my brother be with me? Must show love to family
Of course I won't be around for ever. Must show love to family
How long with my son be with me? he is having tests too, must do something lovely for him before it is too late
Good luck with money is meaningless compared to family, I should share this while everyone is still here to enjoy it
son is still young, he will enjoy a good suit and look good in it and get years of wear out of it, no point in having material things when it is too late

blah blah

none of this is to do with you. but it is not actively malicious unless your dh says "I would feel bad having something so lovely when dw and dcs have so little, is there any way we could share your generosity?" and he says NO

Very best of luck with the tests, I am sure it is just one of those things.

As kids, when money was tight my gran would 'treat' my mum to an outfit for an upcoming wedding/christening so she would have something new to wear. Part of this was probably working class pride and not letting the extended family know we were skint, but I digress.

I'm sure there were other things we needed as a family but I can't remember it being seen as anything other than a much appreciated gesture, certainly not spiteful and controlling.

If he wants to treat his son in this manner, it is up to him. He isn't obliged to give all of you an equal gift.