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AIBU?

To not want my in laws to get this dog ...

229 replies

FloralFantasy · 28/05/2013 07:42

I know this will make me VERY unpopular but as a rule, I don't like dogs. I hate the dogs mess on pavements, I hate being out for a walk and having dogs rush up to me and I hate aggressive barking when you go past houses or knock on doors.

I was attacked by a collie as a young teen and also have a cousin who was attacked by her friends dog (with no history of aggression, was not aggravated, lunged at a cat on her lap and it got nasty) in my presence requiring reconstructive surgery.

My in-laws provide childcare for my 7mo and 2yo DCs. They offered and were really keen to have them two afternoons a week. They also do other odd spells if I need to pop out (they live five minutes down the road).

They have used to have dogs but the last one passed away 18 months ago. My BIL has announced he is getting MIL a dog for her birthday. She is excited. He has found a two year old Staffordshire cross and they are picking it up today. In the advert it says "not suitable for a household with young children".

I questioned this but apparently it will be fine once it gets to know young children, it just has never had contact with them. The owners are selling as they are moving somewhere smaller without the room for a dog.

I have said fine, they can get the dog, but they can't have the children round there anymore.

I'm told I am being very unreasonable, hurtful and rude.

Am I? What would be the safest way to introduce the dog to children?

OP posts:

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Scruffey · 29/05/2013 08:54

Yanbu and keep your guard up with this. I think the people getting rid of this dog are clearly lying about the reason. Your BIL sounds horrible.

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ilovexmastime · 29/05/2013 09:05

I'm a bit late but wanted to give my view.

I'm currently lying in bed with my staffie snuggled up against me, snoring as usual. So I like dogs , but YADNBU and I can't understand your IL's attitude.
If they want this particular dog, fine. But why not crate it while the kids are round? My MIL bought a staffie puppy last year and she crates it when my two DC visit, even though they're used to dogs! They stay with her overnight and she happily keeps them separate the whole time (the puppy is quite manic and my youngest is a bit scared of it, but that's another story).

Are your IL's always so selfish?

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KaFayOLay · 29/05/2013 09:06

Yanbu but try not to force your irrational fear of dogs onto your children. No, they shouldn't bound up to every dog and pat them but neither should they shriek and hide whenever a dog appears.
Not saying you are doing that of course, just saying

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ilovexmastime · 29/05/2013 09:08

I'm a bit late but wanted to give my view.

I'm currently lying in bed with my staffie snuggled up against me, snoring as usual. So I like dogs , but YADNBU and I can't understand your IL's attitude.
If they want this particular dog, fine. But why not crate it while the kids are round? My MIL bought a staffie puppy last year and she crates it when my two DC visit, even though they're used to dogs! They stay with her overnight and she happily keeps them separate the whole time (the puppy is quite manic and my youngest is a bit scared of it, but that's another story).

Are your IL's always so selfish?

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ilovexmastime · 29/05/2013 09:08

Whoops, sorry!

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Flibbertyjibbet · 29/05/2013 09:45

We never ever left our kids unsupervised with fil's dog. We were told it loved kids, won't hurt a fly etc. ..
Last year it bit our 4 yr old nephew on the face and mil said the dog has to go.
Fil was broken hearted at losing his furry friend, still says the child provoked the dog...
Fil still has the dog so we dont visit any more as it shocks us to see where his priorities lie.
But the bit thats relevant to this thread is that when it first happened, fil said he would rehome the dog. He said he would tell potential new owners that the dog is not good with children.
Thats a dog owner lying outtight and putting other peoples kids at risk. The people selling this dog to yourpil could be doing the same.
For years we were moaned about for being silly over pils dog. For years it dig little snaps and growls at their gcs which were dismissed as nothing.
Dont let another irresponsible gp cause permanent scarring to another small child.
Oh and my friend an a and e nurse, said dog bites from family dogs are shockingly common.

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Kaida · 29/05/2013 09:47

OP YADNBU. I am somewhat crazy dog lady and took on a rescue German Shepherd cross whilst pregnant, and we didn't know most of her history - we were her 6th home I believe, and we only had history from the last one and sketchy details from the one before. But a) I had known the dog for a period before (I do some work for rescue and had come across her in that capacity), b) I am good at assessing a dog's body language and intentions, c) I never leave my dogs unsupervised with my DS. She turned out to be an amazing dog and very loving and patient with my toddler. She died at age 13-ish at the beginning of the year, and I still miss her every day. Even with all that, like hell would I let my child around your IL dog!

OP, I wouldn't trust your IL as far as I could throw them. I wouldn't be surprised if they arranged a meeting somehow to prove their point. I also wouldn't trust their supervision - there's a difference between 'in the same room' and 'active supervision' - the former is useless.

A PP has also brought up the walking point. That really worries me. If there's one thing more dangerous around a child than a dog of unknown breeding, unknown socialisation, unknown training, and unknown experience with an unknowledgeable owner, it's an under-walked and under-stimulated dog of the above!

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higgle · 29/05/2013 09:47

I'm another Staffie lover and owner but I agree with OP entirely. A young Staffie is very bouncy indeed and even if they are 100% temprament wise they are only usually re homed with older children if they go through resuce for this reason. YANBU and I would have thought that if they want to get a dog the first consideration should be to get one that is very placid so that your children grow up liking dogs, and feling confident around them.

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PolkaDotCups · 29/05/2013 17:16

KaFayOLay I don't have an irrational fear of dogs; I was attacked by one, a close family member was bitten in my presence and sadly stories about dogs attacking people are common. I think that makes it a genuine fear.

That said I accept that they are much loved family pets to many, fantastic companions and I'm in awe of guide dogs and the amazing job they do. I'm happy for my DC to interact with people's dogs when we know they are family friendly and used to children, but I want them to have a healthy respect for them. I want them to treat them with kindness and without fear but at the same time understand the dangers.

No update from the in laws today on how the dog is settling in. They will be fine exercising it as FIL (in his seventies) walks the neighbours two dogs everyday. MIL is less mobile and is the one who couldn't walk to our place (it's a steep steep hill!).

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SuburbanRhonda · 29/05/2013 17:21

Err - OP, have you name-changed mid-thread?

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Inertia · 29/05/2013 17:43

I think Goblin's line about the presents from the dog is spot on - make it clear from the outset that the children will be having nothing to do with the dog.

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GoblinGranny · 29/05/2013 17:54

She's not Goblin, she's Gobbolino, the witch's cat.
I keep getting confused!

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MyShoofly · 29/05/2013 18:02

Honestly your BIL sounds like a tool but they don't sound much better. How thick can you be? Don't bend OP - YADNBU. I am gobsmacked that they went ahead with it. Definately find other childcare.

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helenthemadex · 29/05/2013 18:55

I am surprised that they actually went ahead and got the dog, I wonder if they think that you will back down especially after the presents the dog has chosen for your dc

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LilyAmaryllis · 29/05/2013 19:03

You Are Not Being Unreasonable!

Please stand your ground and protect your children from this risk.

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blondefriend · 29/05/2013 19:33

YADNU!
My MIL has just got a new labrador. Despite it only being 8 weeks old the rules have been put down by her and me right from the start. We discussed it all before she even looked for a breeder. I demanded a crate (the breeder also recommended one) so it was bought. I demanded training classes so she's booked them. I wanted to meet mum so I did. My ds is very nervous at the moment (he's only 2 and it has knocked him down) so introductions are being done carefully but my 4 yr old dd is round there every few days to do simple training/walks on lead around garden/play etc. I am a real dog-person and had 2 myself when the children were born but would NEVER trust any dog with any child and I had the soppiest lurcher in the world.
I'm very pleased to see the consensus on this thread (has it ever happened before on AIBU?). What worries me slightly here is the number of people who have said things like "I've got a labrador/spaniel and it's fine". No dog is fine. You can never ever trust them 100%. Any dog could be in pain, have a brain injury/tumour or just be scared and snap.

I wouldn't completely write off your PILs and the dog but would keep the children well away until it is settled and you and your OH have met it yourself and assessed it. Then introduce your children for short periods in your supervision and assess not just the dog but your PIL reactions. Then you might be able to start to trust them all together but I would still want to see facilities to keep them separate. It's only fair on the dog as well.

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MissBetseyTrotwood · 29/05/2013 19:34

Nope, YANBU at all. Stand your ground!

Dog loving, large rescue dog owning household here that contains young DCs too.

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cruxible · 29/05/2013 19:47

Shortly after ds was born my pil rehomed a cocker spaniel who had bitten a small child.

I took that as a clear message that we weren't really welcome and they didn't want us to visit.

Seven years later we have visited twice and both times the dog was put in kennels.

(I love that little bitey dog !)

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Christelle2207 · 29/05/2013 21:40

YANBU (said by a dog lover). What worries me most is
The owners are selling as they are moving somewhere smaller without the room for a dog.
I find it hard that any responsible dog owner would give their dog to people they didn't know. They ABNU to get a dog generally but there's no way I would sent my children there until I was 100% happy with the dog. I think it would be unreasonable however not to expect them to get a dog at all, as long as they are sensible about having him around the children.

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Christelle2207 · 29/05/2013 21:40

they ANBU rather.

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WinkyWinkola · 29/05/2013 22:05

It's also annoying because this dog could influence your dcs' future relations with dogs - it could affect their whole lives.

My ds1 was really scared of dogs because of a shihtzu that jumped up at him the whole time, barking in his face. "He's just being friendly," said the owner/relative. But to a 2 year old, it's pretty scary and he was so jumpy and nervy around dogs.

That's the minor issue. The major issue is injury as a result of an unpredictable animal around children.

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Inertia · 29/05/2013 22:30

Apologies for the Goblin / Gobbolino confusion.

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pigletmania · 29/05/2013 22:44

Omg are your in laws crazy , Presents from the dog, that might potentially harm them!. Do nt allow your children to go there, its nt safe, they haveen highly irresponsible

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Twattybollocks · 29/05/2013 22:56

Staffie owner and lover here, Yanbu. I wouldn't entertain it. Yes most Staffies are lovely friendly dogs and most are very tolerant of children, but there is the odd one which isn't good with kids, and with this breed you don't get a second chance because they are so strong, the jaws are unbelievably powerful, and it only takes one bite to do a lot of damage.
I would never trust someone rehoming a dog to tell the truth as to why they don't want it any more, and if previous owners have said not suitable for home with young kids then I would most definately be wary.

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rockybalboa · 29/05/2013 22:59

YANBU. Why the bleeding hell would they get a dog blatantly advertised as not being suitable around young children when they have two v young children in the house two afternoons a week?!? Seems unfair on the poor dog as well as risky for your DCs.

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