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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

235 replies

JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 13:32

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

OP posts:
QueVes · 26/05/2013 13:34

How old are the children?

SueDnym · 26/05/2013 13:34

Deal breaker.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 26/05/2013 13:35

Don't move in with someone who displays such an attitude towards your children.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2013 13:35

Why doesn't she want your kids in the house you intend to share?

Original poster
JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 13:36

I'm not happy giving ages...
Too much detail.

OP posts:
elfycat · 26/05/2013 13:37

Deal breaker here too. How can he think that's acceptable?

pictish · 26/05/2013 13:37

If it is as you say, then it is a total deal breaker.

Purple2012 · 26/05/2013 13:38

Deal breaker.

TiredAndTroubled · 26/05/2013 13:38

So you're expected to live with their children but they want nothing do with yours?

:( Yes, that would be a deal breaker for me too. But be glad you found out before you moved in with this person.

pictish · 26/05/2013 13:38

Elfy - I think the OP is a bloke, and the OH a woman.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/05/2013 13:39

Deal breaker. Unacceptable.

QueVes · 26/05/2013 13:39

OK, but if your kids are a lot older and borderline independent that would be a different situation. Although what your partner said is still a bit off even in that case.

Original poster
JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 13:40

"I don't want meet them. I don't want anything to do with them"
"They will never be anything more than somebody else's kids"

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 26/05/2013 13:40

No fucking way.

My grandad did this to my mum and it still screws everything up.

elfycat · 26/05/2013 13:40

Nice gender neutral OP, OP

So far one 'she' and one 'he' that was mine

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 26/05/2013 13:40

Yes, that's a massive issue and most definitely would be a deal breaker for me.

GoblinGranny · 26/05/2013 13:41

Deal breaker for me. If I split from my OH, then whatever I had as dependents would be a complete part of the package.
Otherwise I'd have to consider them as a lover rather than a partner, or not at all.
Has your partner given a reason why they expect the inequality to be acceptable? I can't think of one.

WestieMamma · 26/05/2013 13:41

OP do you really need to ask?

pictish · 26/05/2013 13:41

"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

Fuck this person off permanently, immediately.

HerrenaHarridan · 26/05/2013 13:42

How could you continue to move someone who would ask you to treat your kids like that!?!

YouStayClassySanDiego · 26/05/2013 13:42

Such a cold attitude by OH, callous and spiteful. Run like the fucking wind!

Pozzled · 26/05/2013 13:42

Yes, deal breaker.

If you already have kids when you start a new relationship, you come as a unit.

Original poster
JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 13:42

I tried to keep it gender neutral for most of the post.
Blokes tend to get flamed.
I haven't hidden anything, but I wanted a neutral reaction first.
Sorry if anyone felt mislead.

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 26/05/2013 13:42

To move = to love obvs

MrsCosmopilite · 26/05/2013 13:43

Deal breaker. Better to find out now though. What a shame that you are expected to 'accept' their DCs but they are not willing to do the same for yours.