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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

235 replies

JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 13:32

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

OP posts:
Loulybelle · 26/05/2013 13:52

Children are a non negotiable part of life.

Chilliandbanana · 26/05/2013 13:53

Deal breaker.
You and your children are a package. If she wants a relationship with you then she has to have a relationship with your DC.
Nothing less will do.

LineRunner · 26/05/2013 13:54

Run, boy, run.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 26/05/2013 13:54

Run like the bloody wind, OP. Gender is irrelevant here. Whether a man or a woman, the OP's OH is a callous piece of shite to have such an attitude towards these children. Thank buggery you found this out before moving in together.

Footface · 26/05/2013 13:55

You and your dc's deserve more respect, where on earth are you expected to see your children? Macdonalds? Park? Completely out if the question.

Be kind to yourself it must have come as a massive blow.

LemonPeculiarJones · 26/05/2013 13:56

You've just found out a crucial piece of information about your partner.

She's not a nice person.

It can take years to really know people sometimes. Sometimes an individual's charm and energy and humour can make such a big impression that we find it nearly impossible to accept that they might, actually, deep down, be fucking awful and a bit toxic, too.

You've just found out she has a nasty, selfish streak a mile wide and it's hurting. Understandably.

But you have to act on this information and end the relationship.

She isn't who you thought she was.

(Disclaimer - if your kids have been abusive to her in any way then this is a whole different thread.)

squeakytoy · 26/05/2013 13:56

I think the ages of the children are fairly relevant. But even so, to not want to have any sort of relationship with them is odd. I would not continue the relationship.

noblegiraffe · 26/05/2013 13:58

She wants you to keep your kids hidden away from her like some dirty little secret? No, that's not healthy for them, or you. Bin her.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/05/2013 13:59

It doesn't matter if your dc are grown, with dc of their own - they are your children and should always feel welcome in your home.

Your 'partner' might not love them, or feel parental towards them, but should be warm and welcoming and fully on board with the fact that your children are part of the family unit and are just as important as their own child.

I'm sorry this has just been dropped on you, but it truly is better that you found out now, before you move in with her. Your children must always be your first priority and someone who isn't willing to get to know them, for your sake, is someone who doesn't love you and is someone you should protect your children from.

themaltesecat · 26/05/2013 13:59

Far too little info given, as usual.

I wouldn't want, say, two noisy, stropping teenagers, moving into, say, the home of my twin Reception-age daughters.

Ages relevant.

MammaTJ · 26/05/2013 14:01

It's really upseting but a definite deal breaker for me too.

Loa · 26/05/2013 14:01

Deal breaker.

It's not a request anyone should make of another.

I think you have been stabbed in the back - I suppose it only good you've found out now rather than later or found constant obstacles put in your way when you did want to see your DC.

WestieMamma · 26/05/2013 14:01

I wouldn't want, say, two noisy, stropping teenagers, moving into, say, the home of my twin Reception-age daughters.

Then don't set up home with their parent. Simples.

themaltesecat · 26/05/2013 14:02

Also, maybe she's played stepmother to the kids of a weekend dad before, and ended up skivvying for two thankless, suspicious children while the bloke took advantage to go the pub or play golf on those weekends when the kids got in the way of such activities.

Maybe she's just being honest. I couldn't open my home to other people's kids. No way.

WandaDoff · 26/05/2013 14:02

Get rid.

Consider this a lucky escape.

Cosmosim · 26/05/2013 14:05

So your partner has never met your kids? She's decided they don't exist in her idyllic version of your future together. It's like those dad threads where the dad goes off with the new step mum who won't "allow" him to see his kids and the kids feel they can't visit their own dad in his home Hmm

RiotsNotDiets · 26/05/2013 14:05

Complete deal breaker. If someone who supposedly loved me said that about DD I'd never want to even look at them again.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 26/05/2013 14:06

maltsesecat sounds like you're projecting somewhat.

themaltesecat · 26/05/2013 14:06

Then don't set up home with their parent. Simples.

Yeah. I would be gutted if I were the mother of the rejected kids and if my ex did enter into such a set-up above, leaving the kids behind. My sainted step-mother made my father choose between her and us; he chose her. But at least it's sort of honest. For me, it was far better to lose a feckless dad than to spend X number of weekends a month with a woman who resented the fact that me and my siblings existed. So- OP has a choice, but I can't see that his girlfriend has done anything wrong here.

I don't know what "simples" means, sorry.

LadyBeagleEyes · 26/05/2013 14:07

Well obviously a deal breaker.
Your kids come first, anyone that wouldn't welcome them would be out of the door if I was in that situation.
themaltesecat, teenagers are still kids and they're mostly lovely and still need their parents.
Your post has just made me Sad and Angry.
Oh and your reception age twins will be teenagers one day.Hmm

WestieMamma · 26/05/2013 14:07

Maybe she's just being honest. I couldn't open my home to other people's kids. No way.

Would you set up home with someone who felt the same way about your kids?

themaltesecat · 26/05/2013 14:08

Nah, keep your pop psychology to yourself, StayClassy. Never been a stepmother, never will, and am indeed happily married to the father of my child (bloody weirdo that I am). I just have a bit of admiration for someone who makes it clear from the outset that they aren't going to play house in these circs.

themaltesecat · 26/05/2013 14:10

Westie, no way. My kids would come first. If my husband left or died, I wouldn't get a replacement model in.

GoblinGranny · 26/05/2013 14:10

'I wouldn't want, say, two noisy, stropping teenagers, moving into, say, the home of my twin Reception-age daughters.'

So then you don't move in with someone who has that as a fundamental part of their lives, maltesecat.
You either look for someone else, or you have a different relationship with them that doesn't involve any of the children from either side.
After work shagging, occasional film and theatre trips, that sort of thing. Nothing involving loving the whole person. Like having a lover on the side.

WarmFuzzyFun · 26/05/2013 14:10

You must be heartbroken, what a cruel thing to say. I am so sorry OP.

Gender neutral threads/posts are good, the facts are the facts.

She doesn't love you enough to embrace all of who you are, ie a parent, whether to toddlers or 'noisy, stropping teenagers'. They are your kids, and how bloody dare she Angry

Sorry Sad

It is going to be a tough time...