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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

235 replies

JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 13:32

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

OP posts:
LeoTheLateBloomer · 26/05/2013 17:44

OP I'm really sorry this is happening, but do please be relieved that at least it has come to light before you've actually moved in together.

Will you tell her about this thread (if she hasn't already seen it?)

foslady · 26/05/2013 17:49

Wow - can't believe the selfishness of your 'd'p, OP, better to have found out now than later. I know someone who just about stated this to her dp......and we were disgusted with her too, and these were grown up kids who'd moved out.....

Portofino · 26/05/2013 17:49

My dad found himself in this situation way back when. (My mother had died some years previously and we were living with maternal GPs). She wanted to move in to his house with her son, but was not prepared for us to be there. He told her to sling her hook.

Walkacrossthesand · 26/05/2013 17:50

Of course, you don't have to move in together for the relationship to continue - if your non-cohabiting relationship works well, but you can't live together because she doesn't want to get to know your DCs, then you can just carry on as you are! My DCs are grown up (just about) and I'm single - they have a step mum with their DF, and I can see (eg) Xmas getting complicated as the years go by... Do your DCs have an opinion about your 'they're-not-involved' relationship?

KansasCityOctopus · 26/05/2013 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loa · 26/05/2013 17:57

Part of me hopes she might just be freaking out - now that its looking to become a reality... That she'll calm down.

I wondered that - but this is an extreme request and if she was freaking out there are other ways to approach it.

Plus you said she had always had issues with you being a parent so it's part of a pattern. I assume in the past you've thought it would 'get better' with time I think this is more likely her letting you know it isn't going to change.

She might make compromised if it looks like you are leaving - but her underlying attitude is on display here.

PixelAteMyFace · 26/05/2013 18:59

Deal breaker.

From your posts, you sound as though you love your children.

Do you love this woman enough to sacrifice your relationship with them? Seeing them for brief outings is not enough, either for you or for them. They need to feel part of your life, hang out at home with you, feel welcome to visit when they need you. This is not going to happen with your OH.

You will be your children`s parent all your life, you will perhaps not be with OH all your life. But she is going to cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your DCs.

This woman sounds callous, insecure and controlling. Lucky for you that she has revealed her true colours now - run as fast as you can!

Fwiw, my DCs are grown-up and havent lived with me for years, but it would still be a complete deal-breaker for me if a potential partner told me they wouldnt be welcome to visit.

foslady · 26/05/2013 19:08

It's not going to be just the your children in our/my home though, is it? What's going to happen when it's joint finances? Are you going to be made to feel bad if she deems a birthday gift too expensive, or complain if you buy them a 'treat' gift..............?

jollygoose · 26/05/2013 19:11

there is nothing to consider your kids come first always.

helenthemadex · 26/05/2013 19:19

deal breaker no excuses what so ever, the OH (male or female makes no difference) sounds selfish, they want to pretend that you have no past but you do and your children need to always feel they are welcome and have a home with you, whoever you live with

Gruntfuttocks · 26/05/2013 19:23

Deal breaker, no matter the age of the kids. Horrible attitude. Walk away, you deserve better, end of.

Wishiwasanheiress · 26/05/2013 19:33

Didn't you say she's an mner? Hopefully she's read it then. Whatever discussion it starts, you will be right to walk away.

Do it with dignity. Good luck. And sorry once again....

Asheth · 26/05/2013 19:38

Any home you have should be a place your DC can also call home. Any family you have should be people your DC can also call family. It doesn't sound like this partner will help you achieve this. I'm sorry you are going through this, but at least be grateful that you've found out before you moved in. Imagine what it would be like if you were already living together and suddenly she says you have to go elsewhere to see your DC.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 26/05/2013 19:43

Oh yes.

Deal breaker.

Anyone who expects someone to turn their back on their children is a sack of shit.

anyone who does indeed turn their back on their children is also one.

This person is horrible. How can they - a parent themselves - ask a parent to basically forget about their children.

If you can't deal with the fact that someone has kids, you have no business getting into a relationship with them.

Run like the wind. If you don't, then you're a fool. Not to mention a piss poor parent. Sorry if that is blunt.

Katnisscupcake · 26/05/2013 19:50

Sorry to mention this, but are you completely sure that she wants to go ahead with this move?

It does seem a very strange thing to suddenly mention out of the blue. She must know that you adore your children and that this would (potentially) be a deal breaker. So why risk it unless she's not 100% happy with this massive next step. Maybe she is looking for a way out of the relationship and could make out that it is your decision...

Either that or she's testing you to see how committed you are to your children or to her, either way it is very cruel...

slippingsliding · 26/05/2013 21:05

Personally I am someone who wouldn't want to deal with the complications of being a stepmother (although I have my own dc), so I can understand why your DP doesn't want to either. But I've always made that clear from the start, and I just wouldn't get into a relationship with a man with dc, so I think she also shouldn't have let the relationship continue for so long. I don't see how this can be resolved in any way except for the relationship to end.

Xmasbaby11 · 26/05/2013 21:11

Move on. What an attitude!

Corygal · 26/05/2013 21:12

Bin her. She's telling you the truth.

ArrowofApollo · 26/05/2013 21:14

Be glad she told you before you moved in with her.
End it now, even if she agrees for your kids to stay in your mutual home she will resent them.

Nanny0gg · 26/05/2013 21:48

Part of me hopes she might just be freaking out - now that its looking to become a reality... That she'll calm down.

Not before it's too late. Damage is done, and I would never trust her with my children, however old they are.

You'll never be any sort of 'blended' family; even if her children aren't around she won't welcome yours.

Don't go there.

pigletmania · 26/05/2013 22:51

Op LTB [bitch in this case]. I'm serious you come as a package or not at all! No compromises, I could not have a relationship with somebody who would treat my kid like that. Find a nice lady who lives an respects you all, kids included

SquinkiesRule · 27/05/2013 03:59

Deal breaker.
LTB

Madamecastafiore · 27/05/2013 04:11

Walk away. Someone who loved you would t ask this of you. They wouldn't want you to be unhappy and would know this would make you unhappy.

MidniteScribbler · 27/05/2013 05:02

I dumped someone because they didn't like my dogs. Someone who told me that my own child wasn't welcome in my own home would find themselves dumped so fast their head would spin. What a sack of shit.

VixZenFenchell · 27/05/2013 06:23

Dealbreaker.

You and your children are a family. She and her children are a separate family. From what I've gleaned from this forum, blending only works when all children are treated equally.

Unless there is a huge backstory which isn't being made clear, your OH is being horribly selfish and controlling. Run fast and find someone who really loves you and your children. Or stay single! Really would finish your current relationship though.

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