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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

235 replies

JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 13:32

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 26/05/2013 14:10

Total deal breaker!

LineRunner · 26/05/2013 14:11

My DCs are teenagers and my ExH has had any number of girlfriends who have given them the cold shoulder over the years.

Guess who the DCs are angry with the most?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 26/05/2013 14:12

maltese but she didn't make it clear from the outset , did she?

SacreBlue · 26/05/2013 14:12

I would have thought if there were any 'issues' around the nature/ages/attitudes of the DC or what the division of labour would be that they would have been raised in the many discussions mentioned the the OP

I would never consider moving in with someone who was effectively asking me to dump my DC. Given that you have had lots of discussion and this is only coming up now I would be questioning what else there might be a change of mind over.

Not everyone can be a good step parent I imagine I also imagine they then wouldn't be dating someone with DC to step parent but if you are planning to be a step/blended family then a blank refusal is a deal breaker imo

Loa · 26/05/2013 14:12

I just have a bit of admiration for someone who makes it clear from the outset that they aren't going to play house in these circs.

It sounds from the OP that they haven't been clear enough quickly enough for the OP.

Though this could have been from the OP not actually listening or thinking the situation would change with time.

It would have been more honest to not date someone with children from previous relationships or to stop as soon as they found out rather than forcing a choice.

themaltesecat · 26/05/2013 14:13

Tend to agree with you, ПщидштПкфттн. If I were the OP, I would say ta-ra. The woman in question has been honest and I don't think she should be vilified, though.

Still, as she is a Mumsnetter, I do suspect that there is more to this and he has invaded her space to make some sort of point.

GoblinGranny · 26/05/2013 14:14

Well, until the OP returns, we don't know how long the relationship has been going, or if the partner made it clear from the outset or changed their mind.

themaltesecat · 26/05/2013 14:14

Whoops, what happened there? GoblinGranny, that should say.

tiggytape · 26/05/2013 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 26/05/2013 14:16

"Maybe she's just being honest. I couldn't open my home to other people's kids. No way." - anyone is entitled to feel like that but:

a) have the decency to be honest about it upfront when you are dating someone with children. If anyone admitted to me that they could never put up with DS living with them, then I would kiss them goodbye before any attachment was made.

b) This is not other people this is presumably someone she loves enough to want to live with them.

I'm sorry OP - finding out this far down the track that your child is unwelcome to made any kind of home with you but be extremely upsetting. I could never again respect anyone who let it get this far without making that clear.

needaholidaynow · 26/05/2013 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

themaltesecat · 26/05/2013 14:18

Let your partner concentrate on his/her children and you concentrate on your own. They deserve it.

+1

Thumbwitch · 26/05/2013 14:36

Dealbreaker, for sure.

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/05/2013 14:50

Deal breaker.

There are a few circumstances where I would not wish to involve myself with the children of someone I was involved with the first is if I perceived the relationship to be casual because I believe it would be unfair to any kids.

And the others are if there is a history of accusations of abuse or violence/ abuse against myself or one of my children. But other than that I cannot think of any others.

If you really don't wish to involve yourself with other people's children then its best to not enter into a serious relationship with a parent.

Original poster
JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 14:55

Sorry.. Been doing a bit of housework.

Yes. It was discussed from the outset.
Even her DC has had input on what the arrangements might be.. Wishful thinking.. One day in the future...

But now the future is close...
It's changed.
Part of me hopes she might just be freaking out - now that its looking to become a reality... That she'll calm down.

And yes she's a mumsnetter... I was open and honest about this, right from the off..
I know of this place, because of her. But I posted here because I literally don't know who to share this with. NOT because she comes on here some evenings.

The rest of my family (and most of my friends) are away for the bank holiday.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
I don't know anyone who could be neutral about this anyway.

I know it's tempting to set me up for a flaming.
But that's really NOT why I posted.
Please don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 14:57

Oh.. And no. No abuse. None. Full stop.

Both of us have had abusive ex's in the past and neither of us would ever put ourselves in that situation again.

OP posts:
GoblinGranny · 26/05/2013 14:58

It's unusual to get such a consensus on AIBU, almost everyone is sympathetic, and feels that you have been deceived and shouldn't go ahead with moving in.
How long have you known her?

Whocansay · 26/05/2013 14:59

I'm not sure why you think you'd get a flaming. She is being totally unreasonable and it is absolutely a deal breaker. Your children have to come first.

I can't imagine what sort of person would think this suggestion would be in any way acceptable, tbh. She sounds like an incredibly self centred individual.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 26/05/2013 14:59

You haven't received a pasteing OP, the vast majority are supportive of you and what you're going to have to deal with.

Are you going to tell her it's over seeing as she sounds determined not to have anything to do with your dc's?

GoblinGranny · 26/05/2013 15:01

Well, either that or she's just a girlfriend within boundaries.
Depends what you both want to do really.

GoblinGranny · 26/05/2013 15:03

If you were being stalkerish and unpleasant, you'd have used her MN name and identified her.

elfycat · 26/05/2013 15:06

No reason why you can't both be MNetters and I'll not be flaming you for coming and asking for some support/ neutral advice.

It does seem that the majority think it's a deal breaker, unless there is a specific issue between your DC and OH which could be resolved or explain some of her reluctance to have them as a part of your joint life.

But you already knew that before you came on here and I hope we have in our way been helpful/ supportive to you.

Original poster
JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 15:09

I want it all... And that includes quality time with my kids too.
It's important to me that Any partner is part of that.

My parents divorced when I was little and when my parents moved on, I disliked both new partners.. As you do - they can never replace your real parents..
But one of my parents had a partner who never engaged with us.. Even when they married, they rarely came out with us, rarely did stuff with us.

I never felt part of this new family and always felt awkward.
(they never had any children and broke up after about 8 years... Just FYI)

I won't do that to my kids... It hurt.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 26/05/2013 15:13

I'm sorry OP, but this is a dealbreaker. Of course its possible that your OH is freaking out as plans become reality. But I would be seeing massive red flags at the fact that my potential DP really thought that the solution to a problem would be to cut my DC out of our lives.

It shows a complete contempt for you and your DCs and would be indicative of a person who does not consider you an equal in this relationship.Sad

GoblinGranny · 26/05/2013 15:17

Why would she think it was reasonable?
Presumably she's not going to keep her children in the attic or in a pen in the garden so that you don't have to engage with them?
Were you upgrading to a better class of home or area or both, and she was designing a future for her and her children based on your total exclusive devotion and financial contribution to the new family?