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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

235 replies

JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 13:32

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

OP posts:
Blatherskite · 26/05/2013 15:23

Call her bluff. Tell her it goes both ways and you want nothing to do with her kids either. That they can't come to the house and you don't want them in your life. See what she says then.

ouryve · 26/05/2013 15:28

Deal breaker.

oldendaysending · 26/05/2013 15:33

Bloody hell, in what planet would this be reasonable?

Wishiwasanheiress · 26/05/2013 15:56

Oh op I am so sorry. You must feel very lonely. I am afraid for me it would be a deal breaker too. If dds lived with dad, any partner of mine would have to include them in our life together. I'm unsure I could give them up or not include them in my new life any more than I could give up breathing.

For example you could never refer to yourselves as a family could you as a chunk of your family would be missing. How would you define yourselves? Them and us? That I'm sad to say wont work.

No. I'm afraid all children must be priority or this will fail. I don't think age of children is relevant. Yours could be at Uni, they still must be included for some holidays, bbqs, beaches, film watching etc etc. how could it be otherwise?

I'm very sorry op. wish u well

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/05/2013 16:07

Even if she changes her tune and says it was panic, I would be very wary. I think if you are in a relationship with a decent parent, you know that asking them to not have their kids around is like asking them to chop their arm off. She is supposed to love you and said this. I wouldn't want that for myself or my kids.

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/05/2013 16:27

From the info you have given you probably ought to ditch her before any commitments are made.

It sounds like she is being really very unreasonable.

Loulybelle · 26/05/2013 16:31

Sadly, there was another thread in which a man had to leave his wife due to her horrible treatment of her Dsd, after PFB arrived.

verytellytubby · 26/05/2013 16:41

Deal breaker

Wuldric · 26/05/2013 16:51

I don't understand why this thread is being posted. It's an either/or question and for me the answer is very clear (with the facts that have been given)

If you are the sort of person who is happy to leave their children behind, then what's the problem?

If you are not, then what's the problem? You know you have to leave. This situation will not improve.

McKayz · 26/05/2013 16:52

Deal breaker for me.

My XH left his partner as she refused to accept that he had children.

StuntGirl · 26/05/2013 16:52

It was obvious from the OP what the genders were, even so, I'd ditch her. Your children deserve better.

LEMisdisappointed · 26/05/2013 16:58

Deal breaker, absolutely, how upseting for you

Bobyan · 26/05/2013 17:00

Run, run like the wind.
She's clearly warped.

Fast · 26/05/2013 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 26/05/2013 17:04

totally agree with everyone else, but there is also another issue in there that this raises.

Your children aside, could you really consider living with someone who tells you who you can and can't have to visit in your own home? Things like that should be decided together not unilaterally. Do you really want to live with someone that tells you what to do as if you are a child?

It would be a deal breaker for me to have just that, let alone the callous disregard for my children.

exoticfruits · 26/05/2013 17:09

Don't even think about it- an absolute deal breaker. GO NOW.

ENormaSnob · 26/05/2013 17:10

Deal breaker no doubt.

She's a cunt.

Gender irrelevant.

exoticfruits · 26/05/2013 17:13

Gender is irrelevant - once you have children you come as a package. If someone can't accept it you stop seeing them- however painful.

DontmindifIdo · 26/05/2013 17:13

Deal breaker - she wants you to play step dad but isn't prepared to do the same.

You really can't live with this woman without giving up your relationship with your DCs (if they aren't welcome in your home, it will but massive strains on your relationships with your DCs, saying "you aren't good enough for my house" isn't a good way to make a child think you care about them). So assuming that's not something you can do, you therefore have 2 options:

  1. end your relationship with your DP, she's not the woman for you and she really wants a relationship with a man with no DCs, so you aren't hte man for her, or

  2. you do what a lot of other couples have done who aren't able to merge their households, they continue to keep 2 households, both might see the other one's DCs now and then, but never all live under the same roof until the youngest DC has grown up (my bff's DM did this, she only moved in with her DP when my friend - the youngest of the 5 DC the couple had between them - left home, of course they were nearly 50 before this happened). If she really loves you, then accepting her refusal to be step mum to your DCs means you can't move in with her and be step dad to hers.

The two households, separate finances, never getting past the "dating" stage until the youngest of all your DCs has got to 18 might not be attractive to her or you, but then that takes you back to option 1, or deciding that this woman is more important in your life than your DCs.

Only you know which would be best for you, what you want from a relationship, what compromising you are willing to make - but don't move in with her thinking she'll change her mind or not facing what you will be doing to your DCs. Go along with her plan involves giving up being a Dad to your DCs, who means more to you?

DontmindifIdo · 26/05/2013 17:15

(Just to clarify, it was my BFF's mother and her partner where the ones who were nearly 50 when she left home, my friend didn't stay at home that long - she was only 18!)

expatinscotland · 26/05/2013 17:20

She doesn't want you to have any contact with your kids in your own home? Not just a dealbreaker but a DTMFA.

charleyturtle · 26/05/2013 17:20

so unreasonable! i would consider somebodys children a part of the package if i were in a relationship with them. i would consider this a deal breaker, if you are expected to live together as a family then your children, who are your family, should be included without question.

Groovee · 26/05/2013 17:29

Best you found out now than further down the line.

DontmindifIdo · 26/05/2013 17:33

BTW - I would think very carefully about moving in with this person even if once you spell out the two options you have as per my post above if she says that she's changed her mind and your DCs are welcome in a joint home afterall, if she is this apposed to the idea in advance, she might be able to "tolerate" them, but she's not going to be creating a welcoming environment or making them feel like they are part of one big family.

Realistically, now she's explained her position, even if she compromises, it's going to be bad for your DCs, if your home environment isn't welcoming, your DCs won't like staying with you - moving in with her, even if she 'backs down' will be damaging to your relationship with your DCs.

Viviennemary · 26/05/2013 17:39

Whioever it is and whatever sex sounds a ghastly, selfish person. You should run like the wind away from such a person who thinks it is their right to lay the law down about these things rather than have an open discussion. Sounds like big trouble to me.

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