To not let DD wear make-up or nail varnish, or to encourage 'sexy' behaviour?

[PavlovtheCat]

She is 6, almost 7. Lots of her female friends wear make-up to birthday parties - lipstick. eye shadow, mascara, blusher, have their hair styled in quite a grown up way, with hairspray, wear kitten heels etc. OK, some of her friends wear some of these things, not always at the same time. Although, DDs best friend dresses in all of this at once to a party.

Also, a couple of friends have had a pamper party (for 6th birthday) with a beautician coming to do hair, face and nails. DD didn't go to those as she was not around for them (phew).

DD has asked before to wear nail varnish, and I have let her have green when she has been a witch, or black when she was a cat. And on her 6th birthday she had some of my clear sparkle on her lips, for fun. But that is it. She has accepted that she does not need make up at her age, and for the most part, gets on with her life without it bothering her.

This morning she asked if we could have a girly day where she gets to wear some of my make-up and has her nails painted. I said no.

I am feeling a bit pressured by other parents, as they take it in their stride that this is normal for a 6/7 year old to want, and they actively encourage it. I will give an example. DD went to a friend's house with some other female friends. They played 'fashion parade' and all came down the stairs dressed in friend's different pretty outfits. The emphasis was on being sexy, they strutted down the stairs (DD tried, but, well it's not her natural look!) and one friend had her oversized jumper pulled down off her shoulder and wiggled her hips as she came down, pouted her red lipsticked mouth and all the women in the room applauded and whistled 'sexeee!'. I sort of stood there, open mouthed, and actually cringed. I am not sure if it was obvious, and I felt I should have said something but was quite outnumbered so didn't encourage but also didn't want to look like a prude.

She really is a beautiful little girl, and likes to dress prettily, which I am happy for her to do, with lovely dresses and her hair up in different ways. She is also happy wearing her football boots (one mum was shocked that DD played football like it was not ok as she was a girl!).

So. Am I being a prude to not encourage DD wearing make-up, nail varnish etc, am I being a prude to not find her strutting sexy, and not wanting her to wear make-up? Am I being OTT by not even wanting her to wear lipstick or nail varnish? Do I need to lighten up a little and not be so uptight at sexy dancing and sexualised behaviour? (which I suspect some of the mums think of me) is 6/7 actually ok for this and I just don't want my little girl to grow up? Or, is my cringing and feeling uncomfortable with this, is it that because it is is OTT at this age?

I'm not sure me being unreasonable will change my behaviour but it would be helpful to get some perspective on whether it is me with the problem and to at least pretend to lighten up. Or whether I can keep my judgey-pants on.

[PavlovtheCat]

purple i did clarify that, I said no to the make-up stuff, not the girly day. We will do lots of other fun 'girly' things. I might let her have some of my nail varnish on. But, it's not that girly - brown, dark sparkly grey, green...(do have red though)...

[PavlovtheCat]

Squeaky oh god forbid she would want to dress like her favourite popstar - that's Harry from One Direction now, i have allowed her to play that in the house. And, I have even had a dance to it with her, despite it going against my rock music tastes...

[ZolaBuddleia]

I'm with you OP. DD's GM gave her a magazine recently with a pretend lipstick on it (coloured lipbalm, but designed to look like lipstick to kids) and I really didn't like it.

Can't stand the dressing of girls in miniature adult clothing, the shoes with heels that come with dressing up outfits, the endless fucking dodging of pink sparkly tat. I hate the idea that a girl is the sum total of her appearance. Boys get to dress up as firemen and super heroes, costumes for girls are always the generic bloody princess. I asked my DD (2.11) what princesses do, and she said "they look in the mirror".

We should encourage dressing up like 'Let's Play' and start glueing moustaches to our DDs!

[fuzzpig]

I would've been similarly at the mums shouting "sexeeee" at their DDs BTW. Euww.

[StitchAteMySleep]

YANBU,

They spend enough time worrying how they look, in front of the mirror preening as teenagers. Let kids be kids for as long as possible. The "sexeee" thing would have made me leave with my dd, not just cringe. Babies and children are not sexy, it is all just so wrong.

Dressing up in pretty dresses and putting on mummy shoes. Maybe a bit of nail varnish and a face painted flower and some glitter or something. That would be my limit for that age. Maybe a bit of lip gloss for the over 10's.

I do not care what other people think, my children, my rules. You do what is right for your kids according to your acceptable code of conduct/morals/limits.

[Orangesarenottheonlyfruit]

yanbu I am exactly the same with my dd. I find it unpleasant to encourage sexualisation in pre teens. I don't you should lighten up at all. The excellent Stephen Biddulph has some frightening thoughts on girls growing up too fast and linking it to under confidence and eventual sexual victimisation. So no, stand firm and encourage other interests.

[cory]

Fine when it's dressing up, pretending to be adults, on a par with wearing a pirate or lion costume. Often that's all it is and I wouldn't have a problem.

Not fine when it becomes the expected norm that 6 and 7yos should be wearing make-up to go to parties etc. I have seen examples of this and that makes it very different from normal pretend dressing up. When you get little girls parties based around girlie make-up sessions with professional beauticians teaching the girls how to do their nails I think you have moved away from the dress-up-as-a-policeman area. And they do happen.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

They aren't trying to be sexual at that age though. Just playing at dressing up as grown ups.

[PavlovtheCat]

LaRegina oh I can assure you there is one or two friends that do know. they might not know why they are doing it, but certainly they are, and it's encouraged by their mums.

Ok. So. This is what I am getting from the tread - I need to lighten up and let DD wear the odd bit of nail varnish at home, and play around with my make-up with me at home, and maybe even some of my gloss at a party if she is wearing a pretty dress. But, probably not being too uptight with full on grown up make-up for parties and the such...I can do that

re grown up hair - I mean, backcombed, quiff at the front, lots of hairspray...

[jacks365]

Zola thankfully my dd4 currently 19 months has a couple of role models in big sisters, one is at uni doing mechanical engineering the other doing A levels to go to uni to do architecture doubt my lo will grow up thinking girls just look pretty.

[PavlovtheCat]

cory yes, that's it. I feel that DD is seeing this as normal for going out and about with her friends.

I get the dressing up like a grown up in the same way as a police man, a fairy, a princess etc. I shall lighten up in that respect.

[LaRegina]

Fair enough Pavlov. But in that case it is the parents that need a good slap for putting such ridiculously inappropriate ideas in their children's heads.

I still maintain that a bit of messing around with make up and nail colour is harmless, as long as it's approached in the right way

[Orangesarenottheonlyfruit]

before you start wielding the lippy OP, reads this m.guardian.co.uk/books/2013/jan/30/raising-girls-steve-biddulph-review
I went to hear him speak, it's pretty powerful stuff.

[Flobbadobs]

It might actually work your favour to let her experiment a little with make up. My DD1 is 7 and hates the stuff despite having a little set for her birthday. Her cousins wear nail polish and a bit of make up regularly (they are both younger than her) and although she will swipe a bit of glitter on her face if they're playing she gets very aware that its there and washes it off 5 minutes later. Same with nail polish, it annoys her when its on and she wants it off as soon as possible.
YANBU for the most part though, sexy behaviour in children is vile.

[Orangesarenottheonlyfruit]

oh bugger, http://m.guardian.co.uk/books/2013/jan/30/raising-girls-steve-biddulph-review link

[Dotty342kids]

Oh heck OP, I'm so with you on this one! I live in a rural area where there is very little in the way of beauticians / nail parlours and I'm grateful for this on a regular basis!

I agree that letting our girls dress up, try on nail varnish and their mum's make up and have a giggle at home, with their mums or perhaps a friend is not going to do them much harm.

But when they start putting on a show, feeling like they need those things / or to dress in a certain way to be acceptable or attractive in public then I absolutely draw the line. If they accept those things are necessary at age 7,8,9 then where is there for them to go (metaphorically) when they're 11,12, 13? They will have it fixed in their heads that their natural selves aren't acceptable and having had access to grown up hair styles, make up and heels for several years by that stage they'll all be looking for the next available options to improve on their natural loveliness.
And that's fake nails, fake hair, even more make up and a hankering after various other ways to alter their appearances. None of which are good as far as I'm concerned.

I should just say that I love hair, clothes and (on a fairly minimal level) make up so am not averse to my daughter enjoying all these things. When she's a young woman, not when she's a child

[MrsMook]

Our Brownies love "beauty night" and drowning eachother in make up and looking like something from an 80s B list film. They're always restored to some kind of innocent children at the end of the night. Playing with make-up like that is reasonable. I don't like serious, neatly applied make-up on children though. There's no need- they have enough natural beauty, they're not hiding skin problems, it doesn't do skin any good anyway.

Sexy is not an appropriate word to apply to a young child, and I'd rather see young children grow up with confidence in their appearence rather than needing clothes and cosmetics as a prop.

[PavlovtheCat]

orange i am going to go read some of that, thanks!

Luckily, DD is a very well rounded girl. She loves dressing up in her princess costumes, loves dressing up as a cowgirl, loves dance, loves swimming, loves football, loves pink, adores gold and silver.

I told DH I was going to post this thread to see what other's think. Not so much to change our minds, but to get a balanced view of how people think about this kind of thing, he said 'why? it won't change our minds, we both agree with this so who cares?!'. He is of course right, as others have said, we need to stand firm on what we believe is right, but on the other hand, it helps to know if I am being completely borish about it all. For now, she is not overly concerned about it all. Maybe I will review the make-up/nail varnish at home if she asks again. It's not upsetting her and she doesn't feel left out with her friends as she has plenty who don't wear make-up too (the boys )

[MoodyDidIt]

yanbu, she is far too young

[PavlovtheCat]

laregina of course, I don't for a second think the children at this age have any clue at all what 'sexy' means. DD has asked, after that song 'i'm sexy and I know it' was played at a school disco' but, no they don't really have a clue.

[cory]

If it's innocent dressing-up, then I'd expect there to be a) more different dressing-up options b) the same approach to boys.

I was happy with my 14yo to make up like a young woman does because she was growing into a young woman. When she was 6 she was a child and I wanted any dressing up to be that of a child. Have lovely photo of her and ds both wearing tutus.

[cherhorowitz]

YANBU on the mothers shouting 'sexy'. Every time I hear a mother referring to a child as their sexy little man or sexy little princess it makes me both sad and cringey. Why on earth would a child, especially your own, be sexy? It baffles me.

Lipgloss and nail varnish seem fine to me as does playing dress up. I allow my DD to put on my make up as long as its just a little glitter lipgloss and nail varnish for a party. I don't think fashion or make up is sexualised, it's just FUN.

[Francagoestohollywood]

YANBU.

[oscarwilde]

My DD's are 3 and 6 months respectively so I have zero experience of this as yet but your post makes me shudder and want to move somewhere extremely rural before they start school. YANBU.
I cringe when I recollect my 80's taste in eyeshadow at 13 weekends only. Blue and lilac shimmer anyone? But at my secondary school you would have had your face physically scrubbed by the Head I did actually witness this on my first day if you turned up in makeup so thankfully it was not a feature of my childhood.
I can't imagine how any parent would call out "Sexy" to a 6/7 year old and think that they are of an age to cope with the attention if someone actually found them sexually attractive.