To not let DD wear make-up or nail varnish, or to encourage 'sexy' behaviour?

[PavlovtheCat]

She is 6, almost 7. Lots of her female friends wear make-up to birthday parties - lipstick. eye shadow, mascara, blusher, have their hair styled in quite a grown up way, with hairspray, wear kitten heels etc. OK, some of her friends wear some of these things, not always at the same time. Although, DDs best friend dresses in all of this at once to a party.

Also, a couple of friends have had a pamper party (for 6th birthday) with a beautician coming to do hair, face and nails. DD didn't go to those as she was not around for them (phew).

DD has asked before to wear nail varnish, and I have let her have green when she has been a witch, or black when she was a cat. And on her 6th birthday she had some of my clear sparkle on her lips, for fun. But that is it. She has accepted that she does not need make up at her age, and for the most part, gets on with her life without it bothering her.

This morning she asked if we could have a girly day where she gets to wear some of my make-up and has her nails painted. I said no.

I am feeling a bit pressured by other parents, as they take it in their stride that this is normal for a 6/7 year old to want, and they actively encourage it. I will give an example. DD went to a friend's house with some other female friends. They played 'fashion parade' and all came down the stairs dressed in friend's different pretty outfits. The emphasis was on being sexy, they strutted down the stairs (DD tried, but, well it's not her natural look!) and one friend had her oversized jumper pulled down off her shoulder and wiggled her hips as she came down, pouted her red lipsticked mouth and all the women in the room applauded and whistled 'sexeee!'. I sort of stood there, open mouthed, and actually cringed. I am not sure if it was obvious, and I felt I should have said something but was quite outnumbered so didn't encourage but also didn't want to look like a prude.

She really is a beautiful little girl, and likes to dress prettily, which I am happy for her to do, with lovely dresses and her hair up in different ways. She is also happy wearing her football boots (one mum was shocked that DD played football like it was not ok as she was a girl!).

So. Am I being a prude to not encourage DD wearing make-up, nail varnish etc, am I being a prude to not find her strutting sexy, and not wanting her to wear make-up? Am I being OTT by not even wanting her to wear lipstick or nail varnish? Do I need to lighten up a little and not be so uptight at sexy dancing and sexualised behaviour? (which I suspect some of the mums think of me) is 6/7 actually ok for this and I just don't want my little girl to grow up? Or, is my cringing and feeling uncomfortable with this, is it that because it is is OTT at this age?

I'm not sure me being unreasonable will change my behaviour but it would be helpful to get some perspective on whether it is me with the problem and to at least pretend to lighten up. Or whether I can keep my judgey-pants on.

[burberryqueen]

yanbu about the women shouting 'sexy' just yuk.

[burberryqueen]

oh and by the way oscar there is way more underage sex and goings on the rural areas than in the nasty old cities. just saying.

[PavlovtheCat]

cory yes, I agree with that. DS aged 3 loves wearing his sister's dresses!

[PavlovtheCat]

oscar While DDs school is not fully rural, it is certainly not in the city boundaries, it's in a small town outside of the city. I really don't think this is a city only thing.

Ok, ladies. I am trying. I really am. I am trying to feel less uptight about it all. I am trying to consider that DD can wear lipgloss at least if she asks for it again. But. Nope. It still feels wrong.

Interesting what Steve Biddulph says about diet and food - DD has been given 'food education' at school and has come home talking about not wanting to eat cake/chocolate/full fat milk/the fat from lamb etc (which she lurves!) because it's all full of fat and therefore bad for her. She has stopped having sweets on car journeys as they are 'not good for her'. She is a very active girl who eats her vegetables and is skinny as a rake! But, she is worried already about her eating habits.

[girliefriend]

My dd (7yo) isn't really a very girlie girl but does sometimes like having her nails painted and she has a few bits of kids type make up that has been given to her from other people as birthday/ xmas presents.

I think my dd is beautiful as she is and def does not need make up at all but I accept that she sometimes wants to copy mummy and as part of dressing up and playing its fine.

I wouldn't ever put make up on her for a party or something that seems weird and a bit yuk.

[PavlovtheCat]

I say she doesn't to eat chocolate etc - that's only true until someone gives her a large slab of birthday cake

[MoaningMingeWhingesAgain]

YANBU. I have a 6yo DD. She asks to wear makeup/nail varnish etc - I don't mind a bit of her children's makeup put on for fun for a kids birthday party, I don't mind occasionally on a weekend letting her play at putting on some nail polish. It comes off before school, and is once every few months at most.

I have regularly said no when she has asked to wear make up/nail varnish at other times, will continue to say no and she can lump it

But I think there is a difference between playing with this stuff, and trying to make themselves more beautiful/attractive with it.

[Sickofthesnow]

I can see both sides to be honest.

On the one hand I have 4 girls in the house - the oldest almost 10. And the oldest loves painting her nails to look pretty, and she in turn paints my youngests nails (3). It's just for fun, and they like to think their nails look pretty. They're arty girls and love glitter and bright colours, for nails, for drawing ,for making cards - all sorts.

The oldest also has a "make up case" which is full of nailpolish and lipgloss - the odd eyeshadow. Now and then she'll come downstairs with her hair done neatly, and the lipgloss and nails done. And to me personally, she's at that stage where she's trying to make herself look nice. Not to impress anyone else, but because she herself is liking how it looks and feels comfortable wearing it.

I think a lot of teens as they get older feel this emphasis on looking good, and most people end up wanting to look well presented at some stage in life, so I see no harm in saying "oh that looks lovely" when she has clearly spent time making an effort to look smart or pretty, as I feel for a shy girl with not much confidence, that is a boost in itself. She still likes climbing frames, and football etc but it's nice to see she is naturally curious about wanting to look or feel nice.

That said, on the flip side of that, if it was full blown dark eyeshadow, mascara, heels etc then I'd be trying to teach her more about natural beauty if that makes sense.

I see little 6-7 year olds around our estate with the face done up and the hair done up and teetering around on shoes that just look, well, uncomfortable! And I think - whatever happened to kids being kids and playing in parks, getting dirty and just being young and carefree!
It's clear the children aren't completely to blame in these situations because who buys them the shoes for a start...

[piprabbit]

I've got a 10yo DD so I've been holding and attending girls' birthday parties for a few years now and I have never come across the sort of behaviour the OP is describing from girls or parents. It sounds horrific.

[WhizzforAtomms]

YANBU, horrible that the peer pressure is making you question this.

[ppeatfruit]

What about make up for boys? IMO you're over thinking this, just go along with your DD because as some others have said banning and making an issue out of something e.g. sweets is likely to make a child become obsessed with whatever it is when it finally is "allowed."

I DO agree that some parents are vile though if you think about Toddlers in Tiaras that IS obscene.

[BigPigLittlePig]

The makeup thing - pampering day with mummy = good fun, so yes, lighten up.

The wiggling hips thing = disturbing. My dsd (5) dances like I don't know what, and my poor dh stood there the other day, absolutely mortified, whilst she gyrated against his leg, pulled her dress up her thigh and wiggled her bottom. Innocent from her point of view maybe, but uncomfortable to watch, and you have to question what sort of attention this would attract in the public domain, especially when older.

That said, I have no idea what you would do about it!

[WilsonFrickett]

A lot of people have made good points about the dressing up aspect of make-up, you might want to take those on board, but YANBU if you don't want to. It's your child. Do it your way.

But you need to be prepared to stand your ground, which means calling out behaviour that you don't like. I would have said something at the 'fashion' show, or at the very least I would have discussed it with DD later. Otherwise I think you're teaching by example that your principles stop at the front door. To stand up to peer pressure in the future (I mean when she's a teen, not next week ) she has to see you standing up for your principles now.

[PavlovtheCat]

wilson yes, I agree. I felt lame that I didn't have the balls to stand my ground and say something at the time re the 'sexy' parade. But, I did discuss it with DD afterwards. She didn't do that herself, she came down wearing a full length dress and a blazer over it and she couldn't wiggle her hips if she tried , but we did talk about it, gently, not a big deal.

[5madthings]

Well my boys wear nail polish and lip gloss or lip balm sometimes so I let dd do the same. Its just play and dress up etc. But I wouldn't tell any if my children they were 'sexxeee'

But for playing and the odd party or disco etc fine. Ds3 went to a fairy party in a fairy dress with glittery nail polish.

I think you can over think it and make it into a big deal and a forbidden thing, far better to have a bit of fun and not make it into a big deal. You can get 'play' make up kits, ds3 has a Tinkerbell one, it comes with stencils and glitter and stick on jewels so he can paint butterflies on himself etc. Its very much for play and dress up :)

[MrsMelons]

I think the 'drag queen' look is normal for the age of the children where they want to copy their mums (at home), they don't look grown up at all just like young girls messing around with make up - it is the proper makeover that is a bit disturbing, this is what these 6 YOs have for photo shoots etc.

There must be a happy medium between an outright ban and what is appropriate 'make up' for infant school age children.

[PavlovtheCat]

5madthings yes, see I get that, glitter to go with being a fairy. Like, green nails to go with being a witch. I guess that's what people are saying, that if it's fancy dress 'being mummy' for example, that's ok.

[WilsonFrickett]

It's hard to speak out Pavlov but it does get easier with practice. And you may find some of the other mums would have supported you. I'm pleased you spoke about it with DD though.

[MrsMelons]

glitter and lip gloss is a good compromise and very age appropriate.

[Sokmonsta]

My mum was never a big one for makeup. Mascara and eye shadow day to day, lipstick when she went out socially.

I was a regular tomboy growing up and probably didn't wear any makeup until I was far too old. Even now I struggle to know how to apply certain products successfully.

However I had a 5 year old dd who is as far into pink and glittery as I was jeans and trainers. Recently she has started asking me for a little nail polish or gloss when I've been getting ready to go out.

While I don't like makeup on little ones, I think it is the sexualised behaviour and slapped on makeup which bothers me most. So she has a little polish sometimes, I've got her some kiddy make up for play. She knows she is not allowed it if we are going out and nail polish comes off again before she returns to school.

I avoid the word 'sexy' as it is not appropriate imo until a child is old enough to be having that kind of relationship. I fear (perhaps irrationally) that dd will just be seen as an object to be possessed or admired if she thinks its all about looks so young.

[PavlovtheCat]

MrsMelons yes, thats the thing that I find most uncomfortable. The friends of DD, they don't wear it in a fun way, but, in an attempt to make them look like mini-adults. A friend of mine, her little one wears nail varnish, aged 4, and she wears brightly coloured fun varnish, alternate colours on each finger. That's fine (for her DD) as it's not trying to make her look like an adult.

[5madthings]

Yes it can just be about dress up and play etc without being about something she feels she 'has' to do to look pretty etc. I can see with girls its perhaps harder to distinguish/draw the line between the two? And I will have this to come with dd... But at two she loves having her toe nails painted if she sees me doing mine and the boys often get their done as well, so its just a bit of fun. Not allowed for school tho!

[MoaningMingeWhingesAgain]

Oh yes if DD has her nails done, then DS gets his done too. Got some fab photos of him in a tutu as well, she loves to dress him up as much as herself.

I think this is where I draw the line, sort of - playing - fine, trying to look sexy - NO WAY and she doesn't have a clue what sexy means anyway. She told me the other week that 'Susie' has a boyfriend. I asked her what she meant, she insisted she meant boyfriend. I told her that a boyfriend is someone you kiss and cuddle, is that what she meant? She looked at the thought of someone kissing a boy

[flanbase]

yanbu - children need to be painting on paper not their nails

[xylem8]

I have an 8 yr old DD and an 11 yo DD. Neither has ever been to a pamper party and I have never seen any of their friends at a party wearing make up.Think you must live in Chav Central