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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DD wear make-up or nail varnish, or to encourage 'sexy' behaviour?

115 replies

PavlovtheCat · 20/05/2013 10:17

She is 6, almost 7. Lots of her female friends wear make-up to birthday parties - lipstick. eye shadow, mascara, blusher, have their hair styled in quite a grown up way, with hairspray, wear kitten heels etc. OK, some of her friends wear some of these things, not always at the same time. Although, DDs best friend dresses in all of this at once to a party.

Also, a couple of friends have had a pamper party (for 6th birthday) with a beautician coming to do hair, face and nails. DD didn't go to those as she was not around for them (phew).

DD has asked before to wear nail varnish, and I have let her have green when she has been a witch, or black when she was a cat. And on her 6th birthday she had some of my clear sparkle on her lips, for fun. But that is it. She has accepted that she does not need make up at her age, and for the most part, gets on with her life without it bothering her.

This morning she asked if we could have a girly day where she gets to wear some of my make-up and has her nails painted. I said no.

I am feeling a bit pressured by other parents, as they take it in their stride that this is normal for a 6/7 year old to want, and they actively encourage it. I will give an example. DD went to a friend's house with some other female friends. They played 'fashion parade' and all came down the stairs dressed in friend's different pretty outfits. The emphasis was on being sexy, they strutted down the stairs (DD tried, but, well it's not her natural look!) and one friend had her oversized jumper pulled down off her shoulder and wiggled her hips as she came down, pouted her red lipsticked mouth and all the women in the room applauded and whistled 'sexeee!'. I sort of stood there, open mouthed, and actually cringed. I am not sure if it was obvious, and I felt I should have said something but was quite outnumbered so didn't encourage but also didn't want to look like a prude.

She really is a beautiful little girl, and likes to dress prettily, which I am happy for her to do, with lovely dresses and her hair up in different ways. She is also happy wearing her football boots (one mum was shocked that DD played football like it was not ok as she was a girl!).

So. Am I being a prude to not encourage DD wearing make-up, nail varnish etc, am I being a prude to not find her strutting sexy, and not wanting her to wear make-up? Am I being OTT by not even wanting her to wear lipstick or nail varnish? Do I need to lighten up a little and not be so uptight at sexy dancing and sexualised behaviour? (which I suspect some of the mums think of me) is 6/7 actually ok for this and I just don't want my little girl to grow up? Or, is my cringing and feeling uncomfortable with this, is it that because it is is OTT at this age?

I'm not sure me being unreasonable will change my behaviour but it would be helpful to get some perspective on whether it is me with the problem and to at least pretend to lighten up. Or whether I can keep my judgey-pants on.

OP posts:

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 20/05/2013 12:01

And I never wear any nail polish ever. I'm a 2-3 haircuts a year woman, wear a bit of makeup daily but very low on the grooming stakes. DD regularly complains that I never wear dresses...

projectbabyweight · 20/05/2013 12:02

YANBU, I feel really uncomfortable with this. There's nothing "innocent" about it, except the children themselves of course.

5madthings · 20/05/2013 12:02

moaning ds3 has a purple tutu he loves to wear with his jeans, looks very funky

AmItheBadOne · 20/05/2013 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 20/05/2013 12:02

wilson it is only now that I am finding situations where I feel awkward, where I need to speak out. Mostly I am around friends, who are either like minded, or where it's fine to challenge something if I am not comfortable. For example a friend was horrified that we let DS wear his sister's dress, and I challenged it. So did DH and his friend conceded that, actually, it really was no big deal. But, in a group of mothers some of whom I don't know, and some of whom are really strong characters. I fear rocking the boat as it's such a small school, and despite the obvious differences in upbringing and interests, a couple of these girls, one in particular is her very best friend and has been since she started school. I would hate to jeopardise this friendship (her mother already didn't invite another girl, because she doesn't like her/her parents).

OP posts:

5madthings · 20/05/2013 12:04

I don't wear make up unless I go out for the evening and even then its only mascara and lip gloss and bit of eye shadow, I live in jeans and my hair is always tied up, very low maintenance.

I still think for play and in an age appropriate way make up can be fine, even a 'fashion show' can be fine and my boys have done it but its okay and fun and not about looking 'sexee'

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 20/05/2013 12:05

5magthings DS aged 3 has stolen DDs red dress and it is now his own. He says 'this is a boy dress mummy'. He went to sleep in it yesterday. It's the cutest thing.

OP posts:

PostBellumBugsy · 20/05/2013 12:09

I think it is a shame if 6/7 year olds feel they need to wear make up to parties.

My DD is 11 and has never been to a party with make up on. She has been given sets of really nasty cheap stuff over the years, which she messes about with from time to time but she knows it is just for fun.

She has just started going to discos & some of her friends go looking like they will be charging for business. So I asked DD what she thought of her friends with make up on & "sexy" type outfits and she said that she thought they were trying too hard!!!!!

5madthings · 20/05/2013 12:09

Aww bless him :)

Ds3 is now 8 and still lives dress up including fairies and princesses etc. I bought some cheap 'princess' type dresses from h&m and he has a fairy outfit. Plus a variety of bits from charity shops like flouncy skirts and boas and even a wig, lots of scarves etc and a few sarong type wraps and they have a great time making 'outfits' :)

5madthings · 20/05/2013 12:10

Loves not lives..

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 20/05/2013 12:10

dd1 asked for "make-up" from Father Christmas the year before last.
I really agonised over it - I didn't want her to start early on the road to thinking she needs make-up to look pretty, nor wanted her to look too adult. In the end I got some sparkly lipgloss, some glitter, and some bright neony nail polish as this was about as far away as I could get from adult style make-up.

TBH I think we were overthinking it. She played with it for a bit, and it now languishes in a drawer. Very occasionally she wants painted nails for a party, but not often.

5madthings · 20/05/2013 12:11

Oh and he was given a pink silk part dress by a friend, he has now outgrown it but he loved that dress, its still in the fancy dress basket :)

claraschu · 20/05/2013 12:15

I think, if you wear makeup, you have to expect kids to want to imitate you, and to have fun doing it.

I actually think grown ups spend too much time, effort, and money thinking about being "sexy", and that's the problem. I know I'm in the minority, but I usually think people look better when they aren't trying too hard.

JackieTheFart · 20/05/2013 12:20

I don't like the 'sexy' thing, but the make up and nail polish I wouldn't have a problem with.

I only have boys, one of my four year olds has a bit of a fascination with painted nails and make up at the moment. He very proudly showed off his painted toenails yesterday - he's sneaked off and coloured them in with a felt pen!

I would allow my boys to have a go as a dressing up kind of thing, as I would with a girl. They see me doing it and want to join in.

valiumredhead · 20/05/2013 12:25

5mad my ds always used to have nail and toe varnish on when he was little

SusanneLinder · 20/05/2013 12:25

I remember as a small girl in the 60's/70's getting that Little Blossom stuff from Avon, we had lip glosses in that. I also used my mums old make up, and we did ourselves up and thought we were flaming gorgeous :o We looked like clowns. I think I was about 12 before I was allowed anything like mascara and a bit of eyeliner. I don't remember wearing foundation till I was about 16.

I don't have an issue with a bit of sparkly lip gloss and some clear nail varnish with my own girls.I DO draw the line at full make up and sexy clothing at 6/7 (shudders). My girls are now 24/21 and 14 and two of them can wear what they want, but they still dont wear sexy stuff.

MrsMelons · 20/05/2013 12:29

I am not particularly old fashioned about things and find it strange when people are that worried about 14/15 YOs wearing make up etc but for some reason it just makes me cringe when it is very young children.

5madthings · 20/05/2013 12:30

Yes yes I had the little blossom stuff from Avon!

I do think a bit of nail varnish/make up etc can be fine for play, its context I guess? The boys have always enjoyed it for dress up etc and dd likes her toes to be painted. She will have the same rules as the boys ier no make up for school and its just for play etc.

Startail · 20/05/2013 12:31

I'm fence sitting, not very comfortably.

Normally I say lighten up on threads like this, but 6-7 really does feel young for wearing make up to parties, pamper parties, telling girls they are sexy etc. (wiggling hips is just imitating pop videos and catwalk models, we all did that. I'm 45 and me and my sister danced in what would now be considered a sexy way, I'm sure). The football coment would make me

Make up, heels, hair and dressing up for fun yes, but I feel your DDs peer group may be jusy crossing the line from fun into everyday life.

I think I can see why you would prefer not to involve make up in your girls day if it's focused on by her peers. DD2's peer group didnt get into anything other than nail vanish until Y5. When, yes, every sleepover is a spa with face masks and make up and heaps of hair spray. 6-7 feels very young for more than dressing up as fairies, princesses or pop stars.

However, I have to add that DD2 was probably amongst the youngest of her peers to wear make up in public (on the odd trip to town), She has cared about fashion and had a tendency to dress in a grown up style since 8-9. She ballet dances and knows all the latest bands.

She also plays football and contact rugby

HibiscusIsland · 20/05/2013 12:38

YANBU. I have 6 and 8 year old dds and I wouldn't like this either. It sounds quite OTT

Startail · 20/05/2013 12:38

What I think I'm trying to say OP is it's about balance and keeping a sense of perspective.

About letting your DD join in with her peers, while being careful to provide an alternative world view if you are uncomfortable with their influence.

The difficult trick is providing that alternative view without DD thinking your a spoil sport.

(apologies for spelling kindle has lost it's wiggly red line. Off to search menus)

yawningmonster · 20/05/2013 12:40

I have only read about 1/2 of the thread and I think I come in a bit on the fence with this. My dd is only just turned 4 and we don't live in the UK. We have friends who allow their little ones their own makeup sets etc which we don't at this stage. I think I am a bit in the camp of playing dress up at home is all fine but not more than that. It is one of the reasons I really don't want dd to start ballet here as all of the children from 4 are made up for shows and it just doesn't sit right with me however like I say play stuff I think I am ok with but maybe in a couple of years for us rather than now

piprabbit · 20/05/2013 12:41

Startail - is there room on your fence for me? What you say about crossing a line from fun/play into everyday life make a lot of sense to me.

KhaosandKalamity · 20/05/2013 12:56

I had to sign up just to comment on this one. YANBU, children do not need make-up, occasional dress up is fine but the thing about regular use is that you get used to the thick lashes and perfect looking skin so much so that you stop liking the way you look without make-up. As a teenager I had friends who would not leave the house without a thick coat of makeup, their self-confidence was so low, especially due to breakouts that were only exasperated by the make-up that was used to hide them.

Don't even get me started on the heavy metals in these products. This seems like a great chance for your daughter to focus on the things she likes about herself and learn to love the way she looks, rather than learn to hide and change the things she does not like.

Asteria · 20/05/2013 13:11

Urgh! This is our pet peeve and YANBU! DH's DD (my stepdaughter) comes for contact weekends looking like a hooker. She had a pamper party for her 7th earlier on this year and her mother plastered photos of her looking horrendously done up all over facebook. We had initially thought it was a soft play with face painting so were horrified to see her with heavy eyeliner, dark eyeshadow and exaggerated lipstick wearing her new high heels!
DH and I are fairly relaxed about a lot of things, however we like our children to be children for as long as possible - which seems like minutes these days! Thankfully DH's ex refuses to send clothes (other than ones that they are wearing when they arrive) so we have a lovely wardrobe of pretty dresses that DD adores and looks so pretty in. She only wears flat shoes here too! We have facepaints and she is allowed a little bit of my perfume, but that is as far as it goes.
Sexualisation of little girls is so sad.

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