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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I didn't see a stranger take a photo of my DS. I feel sick.

241 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 17/05/2013 17:02

Please go easy on me as I'm expecting to get a flaming here. But if anyone has anything nice and supportive to say then please do!

I took my two DC swimming earlier...DS is almost 5, DD is 10 months. We were on the bus on the way to the pool and I stood with DD in her pram in the buggy area (the brake on my pram doesn't work so had to stay with her where I was) but DS wanted to sit at the back of the bus. There was only about 3 rows of seats between us and I could see him quite clearly so I thought it was fine.

My DS is a confident little chap and he started chatting to a man who was sitting opposite him...showing him his Octonauts toys that he had with him and telling him the characters names etc. Anyway, I could hear exactly what my DS was saying and I could see him from where I was and he was fine, the man he was chatting to was in his 50s or 60s and looked like a nice friendly man and I wasn't concerned at all. He was just being friendly to my DS. But I was keeping an eye on him...but also trying to entertain DD in her pram.

Anyway, when we got off the bus my DS said goodbye to the man he had been chatting to and the man smiled and waved. And my DS started telling me that he'd been chatting to a nice man and telling me what they'd been talking about. But then he told me the man took a photo of my DS on his phone. I DID NOT see this...must have been when I was looking at DD in her pram.

The way my DS tells it, was that DS pulled a funny face and the man took a pic so DS could see it. But I just FEEL SICK at the thought of this man...a COMPLETE stranger walking around with a pic of my son on his phone and I am really punishing myself already that I didn't see it and walk over to the man and ask him to not take photos of my son and to delete it from his phone.

I can't stop thinking about it and I feel sick and I'm shaking as I type this. I don't think I'm over-reacting...any mum would feel the same right? Before anyone starts criticising me...I know, I know I will get my DS to sit or stand with me next time and not speak to strangers. It was very misjudged and I'm punishing myself already. But as I was there and hearing (but evidently not seeing) everything that was going on, I didn't see the harm. Now I do.

OP posts:
Tailtwister · 17/05/2013 17:39

I don't think this is really about the photo, but the fact that OP didn't see the man take it. It's the 'what if' scenario that's making her feel sick, not the fact that a harmless photo was taken.

Like others have already said, it's very unlikely that the man had a sinister reason for taking the photo or that anything will come of it. I remember years ago having our camera stolen from the bottom of the buggy in Brighton. I felt sick too. Sick that someone had photos of our (then 1yo) child. Once I came to my senses I realised that the person wasn't interested in our photos and they would be deleted asap so they could get some money for the camera.

flanbase · 17/05/2013 17:39

It's not on someones personal camera and can't be transmitted to others as easily as a photo on a phone

ELR · 17/05/2013 17:40

dystopianReality

*This kind of reaction (and I'm not flaming you, OP) is as much a symptom of 'broken society' as crime. What leads to this kind of worry is an insidious, treacherous 'feeding the frenzy' attitude adopted by some very irresponsible and scare-mongering tabloids.

We must remember, that most people are good, crime is the same if not less than 40 years ago but that the fear of crime is greater.

Yes, some awful things happen but to adopt a cynical attitude to normal interactions and convey that to our children will cause a greater breakdown in society than our trying to adopt a sensible and caring attitude to our fellow human beings.

That said, it was possibly an ill-judged thing to photograh him but it was probably,as has been said, a grandad who is used to doing similar with his grandchildren, done in naivete but goodwill.

We must remember what is good in life and not just think about the dreadful stuff*

Well said I totally agree with your post

Tee2072 · 17/05/2013 17:42

You keep telling yourself that, flanbase.

ShatnersBassoon · 17/05/2013 17:42

I think the man probably felt it was fine to take a picture as the mother was there as a witness. He could see her looking over and knew she could hear what was going on.

DystopianReality · 17/05/2013 17:43

Thank you ELR

usualsuspect · 17/05/2013 17:46

I think you should be grateful to the man for entertaining your DS and stop being so dramatic.

thebody · 17/05/2013 17:47

Your son is fine, unharmed and fine. Calm down here you sound far too ott about this.

Sadly this hysterical attitude stops people helping crying and lost children in shopping centres because they at afraid of being accused of all sorts.

Personally I would have blanked your ds as I have my own 4, I work in a reception class and I am damned if I am going to entertain random kids in my free time.

OddSockMonster · 17/05/2013 17:48

I really wouldn't worry OP. If he does still have the photo (which I doubt), it'll probably just remind him of a pleasent fellow passenger who brightened up an otherwise dull bus journey. Nothing more.

patienceisvirtuous · 17/05/2013 17:50

Massive overreaction.

wetspringday · 17/05/2013 17:51

think you were being unreasonable to let your son loose on the man to be honest - he may well have wanted a bit of peace and not to act as an unpaid babysitter. Hmm

BOF · 17/05/2013 17:51

"It could have been a photo of a different part of him"

Is that what passes for supportive on AIBU? Grin

OP, give over, you're being daft.

WorraLiberty · 17/05/2013 17:51

Massive over reaction

ZZZenagain · 17/05/2013 17:53

don't freak herout. Ds saw the photo - it was of him pulling a face. Maybe he showed it to his wife when he got home and said, there was this lovely little boy on the bus chatting away. They had a smile and he deleted it.

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 17/05/2013 17:53

No response from OP because I'm giving my children their dinner actually :-)

Thank you so much for giving me several grips and making me see some perspective. I don't think I am getting a hard time...I'm delighted that everyone thinks I'm completely over-reacting Grin But you're right...it does say a lot and it is very sad that I feel so paranoid about a friendly man being nice to my son. I am just fiercely protective of my children and I'm punishing myself for not seeing this happen.

I can't put my finger on why I feel so uncomfortable with it. Yes, I don't like the thought of a stranger having a picture of my son on their phone. I know he's probably in several people's photos that I don't realise but this was a photo OF HIM albeit pulling a stupid face. And I don't know why this man took it. But I do think my main reason for "feeling sick" is that I DIDN'T SEE IT. I thought I was keeping an eye on him but I clearly wasn't if I missed someone taking a photo of him. So I do feeling like I've failed him in some way.

But no harm is done and I will just take it as a lesson learnt.

OP posts:
TheHerringScreams · 17/05/2013 17:54

Yes an overreaction but I won't flame you. I'm sure you know it was just a fun photo after so many posts and I'm sure you were worried and scared, it's sadly a symptom of modern society- we don't feel we can trust people t be innocent with a child they don't know. I would probably have overreacted too!

ParadiseChick · 17/05/2013 17:58

What would you have done if you had seen?

ShowOfHands · 17/05/2013 17:58

My dd has just turned 6 and up until recently, we went on buses every day. DD likes to sit nearer the back, occasionally a couple of rows away from me (I have a pushchair sometimes) and she often chats to other passengers. I always call down to her to remember her manners and not bother other people, giving them the opportunity to say it's okay if they want to chat to her. If not she gets out her book and reads. Just the other day, one of the other passengers had an Ipad type thing and he showed dd how to take a picture of herself (let her do it) and then showed her how to superimpose a pirate hat on her head and a patch on her eye. She thought it was hilarious. A man in his 60s ish gave her 50p the other day (I tried to give it back) and on more than one occasion the bus driver himself has pulled over at a stall thingy and bought dd a punnet of fruit (he asked first).

Anyway, my point is that not only would I not be bothered by this man, I would be grateful for the community/society which welcomes my dd when travelling on local buses. I am lucky to live fairly rurally and there is a lovely sense of community here. Nice man on the bus chatting to my child is part of this. I just can't start seeing malice in all these people. That way madness lies.

All that said, if you are feeling this anxious, then I suggest that perhaps you need to address where that stems from. I have a v good friend who is very anxious and it centres around strangers and the threat they pose to her children. She has extreme problems with anybody talking to or looking at her dc but she does recognise where this comes from and is taking steps to deal with it. It's not nice feeling anxious about these things and if you're this shaken, then I think your reaction is disproportionate. A good gp or hv is a start if you want to explore the help available.

littleballerina · 17/05/2013 18:00

you ok op? Sad

amicissimma · 17/05/2013 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 17/05/2013 18:04

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I feel the man really overstepped the mark. I don't feel the OP was being overly suspicious as she was completely happy to let her son chat to this man. I feel it was inappropriate for him to take a picture without permission from the child's parent. Others have mentioned tourists taking photos, but I think this is different as the man in question was in a one on one situation with the child and there was no other reason to be taking photographs at the time. I don't think I would be in quite the same state as the OP, but I think I would be quite angry about this. I wouldn't take a photo specifically of someone else's child without permission, and wouldn't want someone to do it without mine.

I wonder if all of those who have really criticised the OP would take a photograph of a child without permission in this situation?

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 17/05/2013 18:08

I don't think I am a very anxious parent...in a lot fo ways I think I'm too trusting of friendly people on buses, which is why I let him chat away to the man on the bus. But I guess that is why it really shocked me when my DS told me that he'd taken a photo, which I feel crossed a line into unacceptable.

In fact thinking about it, this is a huge part of what is bothering me...I am too trusting and I guess it's just hammered home that ok this was probably completely innocent, but in a similar situation with another person it might not be.

Whoever said about the fear of crime...yes, totally agree and evidently, that's me and I didn't even know it.

OP posts:
Bobyan · 17/05/2013 18:08

You are happy not to supervise your ds properly, but you feel sick about someone showing your ds their phone and taking a photo of him?

I think you should be more worried about your lack of supervision than the photo.

XBenedict · 17/05/2013 18:11

I wouldn't be too bothered tbh. It's happened to me/DD. She is very blonde and a recent visit to Hong Kong airport had many cameras snapping, there was't much we could do! Very bizarre!

HollyBerryBush · 17/05/2013 18:12

You know OP, I've never subscribed to stranger danger, I was a god awful mother Grin any old dear etc sitting in the park, in the queue at the checkouts would be subjected to my kids chatter Grin

One of the very sad conversations I had was in a super market ..... old fella watching me bulk buy jelly, asked if I was having a party. He then lead on to tell me how he never saw his daughter as he couldn't afford the train fare and he was so lonely and his grandchildren were slipping away from him. I wanted to take him home for Sunday lunch, but at least I gave him the time of day.

You go in the park, oh dear, my kids would be all over the fishermen, playing with maggots and stroking netted fish - you soon know if they want top be left in peace or whether they are happy to chat - most people like to interact, although I appreciate some don't, in which case you whip your kids away.

But I digress, a photo is nothing really, something to show someone. You were standing there.