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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that university graduation teams should cater for separated families?

249 replies

DisappointedGraduate · 17/05/2013 13:50

I will be graduating from medical school this summer and have been unable to secure an extra ticket. I therefore must tell either my Dmum, DSdad or Ddad that they cannot attend the ceremony. It's a long story, detailed in the below letter that I sent to the university, but the short of it is:

In this day and age, when many people who are graduating come from separated families, shouldn't universities make allowances to ensure that all of a graduates direct family i.e. parents & spouse can attend?

For anyone interested, below is my full story:

Dear Graduation Team,

I am writing to express my regret and dissappointment with the extremely poor organisation that has taken place regarding the ticket sales for ceremony 12

Due to the 'technical difficulties' I was unable to buy an extra ticket when they were supposed to go on sale last week. As it was so important to my family to get an extra ticket, I have been sat at a computer in the medical school constantly refreshing the graduation ticket sales page since 8.30am this morning.

Bang on 9am the site shut down due to 'high traffic', displaying the message in the screenshot attached to this email. I then constantly refreshed the page and tried restarting Internet Explorer all to no avail. I called the graduation team at 10.05am to be told that the extra tickets had sold out, however broadcast tickets were still available to purchased online. I tried to explain that for me, the site was not working (screenshot) and in this time the broadcast tickets also sold out.

I feel let down by the graduation team on three fronts:

Firstly: I imagine that demand for graduation tickets for medical school graduates is always high, as was the experience of collegues in the past two years of graduates. Therefore it would seem sensible to arrange a venue more suitable to meeting the demand for this particular cohort of students or to split the cohort into two ceremonies. The graduation team member that I spoke to on the phone said that uptake of tickets is variable, which I imagine to be true for other courses, but am highly sceptical that this is the case for medical graduations.

Secondly: I had anticipated a fair first-come first-served basis for buying tickets. This is not the case if the Graduation website is not built to be capable of sustaining the anticipated volume of traffic, so that not all students have a fair chance of accessing the site. This problem became apparent when the tickets first went on sale last week and obviously had not been sufficiently rectified before ticket sales were opened up again this morning, as evidenced by my experience.

Finally: In order to be at my computer at 9am (two weeks in a row), I have had to be late for an important clinical placement. Medical students on their medical assistantship placements (as half of them all will be) are expected to work the hours of a professional junior doctor. Opening up ticket sales when half of medical students should be on the ward seeing patients is at best unfair to the half of the medical student body on their Mast placement and at worse encouraging them to overlook their professional responsibilities. I was able to work late a previous evening (time away from my daugher) in order to be late this morning to buy tickets - not all Mast students would be able to do this.

I am in a situation, like many other students, whereby I come from a split family. I have a mother, a step-father and a father who have all equally been parents to me throughout my life. I also have a husband and daughter, however had already made the tough decision that my parents would have priority for attending the ceremony. I am therefore now in the impossible situation of telling one of my parents that they cannot attend my graduation. This is causing more heartbreak than the amount of joy that attending such an event is supposed to cause.

I am the first person in my family to attend university and during my time in medical school had to have surgery for endometriosis (a condition that threatened my fertility) and, on the advice of specialists, I conceived during medical school and went on to have my daughter. Completing medical school with my medical problems and a young baby has been long and very difficult and I am overjoyed to finally be able to graduate. It is such a shame that an organisational error and poor foresight on behalf of the graduation team has dampened this acheivement. I am not telling you this as a 'sob story' to try to make you magic tickets that do not exist. I am not that naive. Instead I am trying to make you understand that the students you are dealing with are real people with complicated lives and not just entitled individuals wanting their second cousins etc to attend.

In this day and age, I imagine it is very common for students to have more than two parents, not to mention spouses, and believe that it is the graduation teams responsibilty to understand and accomodate this.

The ideal outcome to these issues would be for the graduation team to increase the amount of tickets available by either splitting the cohort into two ceremonies or moving the ceremony to a larger venue, however I imagine that this is unachievable at this late date.

Therefore, I hope that this email provides food for thought and enables to graduation team to make much needed improvements to their services to avoid this level of upset and dissappointment for future years.

Kind Regards,

Disappointed Graduate

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 17/05/2013 22:42

My university did three tickets each by default (ten and six years ago, at least). Ditto DH's.

My parents and now-DH came to mine. I went alone to DH's because his parents were on holiday (Biscuit) .

Most of the "day" is the photos and any "do" you organise afterwards. And you can have whoever the hell you like at that.

Musicaltheatremum · 17/05/2013 22:55

Congratulations on your medical degree. But really there are probably many people in your situation and you can't please everyone. I only could have two people at my graduation as a doctor in 1986 so nothing has changed. You are going to meet far greater challenges over the next few years as the government squeezes the medical professions more and more. Save your energy for the real fight.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 17/05/2013 23:04

Read the thread people. The OP has admitted she was being unreasonable and has sent an apology to the University. No need to keep up the bashing.

OwlinaTree · 17/05/2013 23:32

Congrats on your degree OP. I HAVE read the whole thread.

I guess you are disappointed you have missed out on the extra ticket, but you have now realised you will not be the only one.

I work in a school - every school performance it is the same, although we do give extra tickets for split families. We have to point out to parents that if everyone has tickets for grandparents, siblings, aunties etc we would have to do 20 performances to fit everyone in!

I think you feel this is being done personally to you - but it's not. It just has to be limited. Try to relax and look forward to your day. Explain to your family you tried to get another ticket but couldn't. Only you know who it will be better to accompany you to the ceremony.

Enjoy it, you have worked hard for it!

eccentrica · 18/05/2013 00:40

Ffs whoever misses out will probably be relieved to avoid the tedium of watching strangers walk across a stage for 3 hours.

I graduated 3 times and went to no graduation ceremonies. I was glad to have got my PhD, didn't have any desire to parade around in a silly hat. My parents admitted they were delighted not to have to bother.

eccentrica · 18/05/2013 00:43

P.s. I have also read the whole thread inc your apology email, seen you are still 'crying your eyes out' about this - in a married woman, mother, about to qualify as a doctor, frankly I find that very worrying and wonder if you need professional help.

Lovetobrowse · 18/05/2013 05:46

As others have mentioned you should try to get an extra ticket on the day. It has worked for me twice at two different universities. If you linger at the door and there is space I'm sure they'll try and let you in.

sashh · 18/05/2013 06:30

OP

Ask around, someone will not be attending the ceremony and will have extra tickets.

It's always been this way, you get 2 tickets and you can ask for extra some uni's charge for the extra one.

My first graduation I had 2 + 2 extra
My second I had 4 a friend had 4, I asked three guests, he asked 5
My third graduation 2 + 1
My fourth - I didn't attend, anyone who wanted to see me graduate had done so by then.

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 18/05/2013 06:40

You will probably be able to buy a DVD of it anyway. Whoever can't come can meet you afterwards for a celebration lunch so tbh they won't miss much. The actual ceremony isn't that exciting, you will only be on the stage for a matter of seconds. If everyone got the number of tickets they wanted they would need a huge venue so unfortunately they do have to limit it. It's a shame not everyone in your family can come but I am sure lots of people will be in your position.

CabbageLeaves · 18/05/2013 06:56

I have read the whole thread. OP I suspect you will make a lovely Doc. Many patients find Drs hard and unemotional. They want professional, accurate and informed care. They would also like to feel human. You are obviously very human.

(But I do agree with many comments on here...your second email was good)

Partridge · 18/05/2013 07:57

I read your op and was Shock and impotently raging at your email ready to weigh in with a YABVvvU. However you have dealt with the responses very graciously and without the usual aibu defensiveness. Which is very refreshing.

hotbot · 18/05/2013 08:32

Hmm, if you think the last few years are tough, you are in for a very rough ride now you are qualified. I do hope for your emotions are up for it.

domesticslattern · 18/05/2013 09:51

We've said way enough about the ceremony methinks. I just want to say, OP, many huge and fantastic congratulations on getting your medical degree. You must have worked your arse off. I take my hat off to you.
I remember the stress when I graduated and life moved from one phase to another, much less certain one. Don't let it detract from your celebrations of this fucking brilliant achievement.

Chockyeggpants · 18/05/2013 11:38

Choosing to show up late for clinical appointments because you are too busy obsessing over a ticket??
I question your committment to your medic career. Your duty is to your patients, not buying tickets for your bloody family.
Seriously get a grip.
Your letter was OTT and makes you look ridiculous.
Simple. Take DH. Or DM and DF.
Or don't go.

ComposHat · 18/05/2013 13:22

In retrospect, Chocky the showing up late for clinical placements is the most worrying aspect, suggesting a skewed set of priorities.

VinegarDrinker · 18/05/2013 14:31

Oh wow, some seriously sanctimonious MNers out today.

I was a proper geek at med school - still am - but I was probably the only person in my year not to skive off at least a few days per firm with a hangover or equally crap reason.

Wellthen · 18/05/2013 16:20

You cant argue that a graduation ticket is as important as your proffesional duties therefore you have behaved unproffesionally in being late for clinic.

You being the first in your family and your medical condition have nothing to do with anything. If they gave out tickets on this basis they would be being grossly predjudiced to those without 'sob stories'.

Scholes34 · 18/05/2013 16:25

You should have spent more time befriending people with just one parent, so you could have their spare tickets.

megsmouse · 18/05/2013 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bingdweller · 18/05/2013 18:49

Could your Dmum and DP go, thus gets you out of choosing over DSDad and DDad? The 'dads' (good relations permitting) look after your DC whilst the ceremony takes place, then all meet up later on?

McNewPants2013 · 18/05/2013 19:40

I think you mum and DP should go.

I bet you have had the most support from your DP than anyone else, so it seems only fair he gets to see you graduate.

marriedinwhiteagain · 18/05/2013 21:03

God knows how this thread has gone. Whole thing seems absurd. You can have two guests. That is the norm. End of.

ComposHat · 19/05/2013 01:58

marriedinwhite the voice of sanity!

kerala · 19/05/2013 08:49

Email all your invitees explain strictly 2 tickets only and ask them to decide between themselves who goes as you can't choose and it's stressing you out and are too busy and stressed to deal. They put you in this situation hand the issue over to them.

thegreylady · 19/05/2013 08:58

When my dss graduated he was only allowed 2 tickets and I immediately recognised that the people who should have those tickets were his dad (my dh) and his mum. They attended the ceremony together and we all met afterwards for a meal. Everyone was happy.

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