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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that university graduation teams should cater for separated families?

249 replies

DisappointedGraduate · 17/05/2013 13:50

I will be graduating from medical school this summer and have been unable to secure an extra ticket. I therefore must tell either my Dmum, DSdad or Ddad that they cannot attend the ceremony. It's a long story, detailed in the below letter that I sent to the university, but the short of it is:

In this day and age, when many people who are graduating come from separated families, shouldn't universities make allowances to ensure that all of a graduates direct family i.e. parents & spouse can attend?

For anyone interested, below is my full story:

Dear Graduation Team,

I am writing to express my regret and dissappointment with the extremely poor organisation that has taken place regarding the ticket sales for ceremony 12

Due to the 'technical difficulties' I was unable to buy an extra ticket when they were supposed to go on sale last week. As it was so important to my family to get an extra ticket, I have been sat at a computer in the medical school constantly refreshing the graduation ticket sales page since 8.30am this morning.

Bang on 9am the site shut down due to 'high traffic', displaying the message in the screenshot attached to this email. I then constantly refreshed the page and tried restarting Internet Explorer all to no avail. I called the graduation team at 10.05am to be told that the extra tickets had sold out, however broadcast tickets were still available to purchased online. I tried to explain that for me, the site was not working (screenshot) and in this time the broadcast tickets also sold out.

I feel let down by the graduation team on three fronts:

Firstly: I imagine that demand for graduation tickets for medical school graduates is always high, as was the experience of collegues in the past two years of graduates. Therefore it would seem sensible to arrange a venue more suitable to meeting the demand for this particular cohort of students or to split the cohort into two ceremonies. The graduation team member that I spoke to on the phone said that uptake of tickets is variable, which I imagine to be true for other courses, but am highly sceptical that this is the case for medical graduations.

Secondly: I had anticipated a fair first-come first-served basis for buying tickets. This is not the case if the Graduation website is not built to be capable of sustaining the anticipated volume of traffic, so that not all students have a fair chance of accessing the site. This problem became apparent when the tickets first went on sale last week and obviously had not been sufficiently rectified before ticket sales were opened up again this morning, as evidenced by my experience.

Finally: In order to be at my computer at 9am (two weeks in a row), I have had to be late for an important clinical placement. Medical students on their medical assistantship placements (as half of them all will be) are expected to work the hours of a professional junior doctor. Opening up ticket sales when half of medical students should be on the ward seeing patients is at best unfair to the half of the medical student body on their Mast placement and at worse encouraging them to overlook their professional responsibilities. I was able to work late a previous evening (time away from my daugher) in order to be late this morning to buy tickets - not all Mast students would be able to do this.

I am in a situation, like many other students, whereby I come from a split family. I have a mother, a step-father and a father who have all equally been parents to me throughout my life. I also have a husband and daughter, however had already made the tough decision that my parents would have priority for attending the ceremony. I am therefore now in the impossible situation of telling one of my parents that they cannot attend my graduation. This is causing more heartbreak than the amount of joy that attending such an event is supposed to cause.

I am the first person in my family to attend university and during my time in medical school had to have surgery for endometriosis (a condition that threatened my fertility) and, on the advice of specialists, I conceived during medical school and went on to have my daughter. Completing medical school with my medical problems and a young baby has been long and very difficult and I am overjoyed to finally be able to graduate. It is such a shame that an organisational error and poor foresight on behalf of the graduation team has dampened this acheivement. I am not telling you this as a 'sob story' to try to make you magic tickets that do not exist. I am not that naive. Instead I am trying to make you understand that the students you are dealing with are real people with complicated lives and not just entitled individuals wanting their second cousins etc to attend.

In this day and age, I imagine it is very common for students to have more than two parents, not to mention spouses, and believe that it is the graduation teams responsibilty to understand and accomodate this.

The ideal outcome to these issues would be for the graduation team to increase the amount of tickets available by either splitting the cohort into two ceremonies or moving the ceremony to a larger venue, however I imagine that this is unachievable at this late date.

Therefore, I hope that this email provides food for thought and enables to graduation team to make much needed improvements to their services to avoid this level of upset and dissappointment for future years.

Kind Regards,

Disappointed Graduate

OP posts:
Habbibu · 17/05/2013 16:19

And frankly, Chris Hoy could well have made a fuss in private - how would we know?

ajandjjmum · 17/05/2013 16:20

DG - I am sorry that you're in this position - although everyone has to be treated equally, it is disappointing.

I am in an upsetting position when DS graduates from Sheffield this year, as my Mum is not in the best of health, and it would be really lovely for her to see DS graduate. But of course, this means me giving up my seat, so she will go with DH - and I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel sad about it.

However, we're going up to stay the night before, with DD too, and then we will go and watch the ceremony where it is being relayed, and get together for lunch afterwards.

The only trouble will be that DM will want me to go instead of her, so we'll have a little battle about that nearer to the time. Grin

Hope you enjoy your graduation, and remember the ceremony is only part of the occasion.

parttimer79 · 17/05/2013 16:21

heartbreak really?
I don't think YABU in wanting another ticket but that letter definitely fell into my category of oversharing! You seem to be implying that you have special circumstances when I'm sure many of your cohort have had to overcome trials and difficulties in their path through the course.

why not ask around and see if anyone has a spare in case they can't go? I can see that on a med course it may be less likely but don't ask, don;t get.

The Uni I teach at screens the ceremony on big screens for those who cannot get tickets, chances are your institutions may do the same.

If neither of those options work why not get all the parents +DH +DC to go out together afterwards? The ceremony is only an hour or so, the special part will be all your family celebrating your achievements together.

Bobyan · 17/05/2013 16:22

You have enough time to write two emails, make yourself late for a clinical placement and your still crying about it now?

You have far too much time on your hands.

Man up before your first patient dies or you're going to be an emotional wreck.

DisappointedGraduand · 17/05/2013 16:22

think about using your degree in a non patient facing field or you are gonna be a nightmare when you start work!

I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment but I assure you it is not spilling over into patient care.

Picoo · 17/05/2013 16:23

Get conferred in absentia if you can't handle the pressure. Have a nice family lunch instead.

UptheChimney · 17/05/2013 16:24

I don't understand why I'm so upset about something that I logically know is fairly trivial. I'm still crying my eyes out and feel really really upset and like I want to be swallowed into a hole and never come out

Psych101: Lecture 3: Projection

You're not upset about the ceremony tickets as such. That is just the external think you're hanging it on. And it's a convenient one: it's someone else's fault and you can stamp about and feel it's unfair etc etc etc. That's your "inner child"

But as an intelligent grown up (and a parent trying to model good emotional intelligence) it's your responsibility to work out what is really upsetting you, and think about that.

TheCraicDealer · 17/05/2013 16:29

Honey, you would've been better using the time you spent composing those emails thinking about how you're going to deal with the shitstorm you obviously believe is coming.

Don't overthink it- invite your Mum and Dad, step-parents can wait with your DH and DD in the lovely restaurant you'll be going to afterwards. They're the one's who provided the genetic ingredients, that'll be hard to argue against if anyone gets shitty AND you'll have one "representative" of each family unit there. Your DM and DSD might've helped more, but choosing your DSD over your DDad will not go down well.

My DT and I did the same course at uni so we automatically had four tickets between us. It was a stretch filling them, what with our small family and the fact few wanted to sit through the v v v boring ceremony.

Ilikethebreeze · 17/05/2013 16:31

I do think you need to get your sleep sorted out somehow.
Else there will indeed be a potential big problem at work too.

DisappointedGraduand · 17/05/2013 16:33

Man up before your first patient dies or you're going to be an emotional wreck. I'm currently working on a health care of the elderly ward and chose to do a special study placement in palliative care, believe me, experiencing a patient dying would not be new experience. It is always a sad event but I believe I manage it professionally and take comfort from the fact that we have made the patient comfortable, treated them with respect, and can offer support to their family.

As I've said, I don't know why this is making me so upset, but it is. I can't explain it. I feel awful.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 17/05/2013 16:34

Hi OP. I think some people are not responding to your later, more reasonable responses since you've changed your name people who only read the highlighted OPs posts won't have seen them.

TheFallenNinja · 17/05/2013 16:35

So you sent them a snotty email telling them that they are a bag of wankers and expect them to do something for you.

I expect it'll be better when your in charge.

DisappointedGraduand · 17/05/2013 16:40

think some people are not responding to your later, more reasonable responses since you've changed your name people who only read the highlighted OPs posts won't have seen them.

Serves me right for changing my name mid-thread I suppose. I couldn't continue with the incorrect wording though. Smile

ipswitch · 17/05/2013 16:41

I think graduation ceramonys are really naff.
I sat through both my brothers and they were really dull.
I didnt go to mine and have never regretted it once.
Saved lots of money, didnt get any stupid photos in a hat and gown and was the only one in my family to get a first!

Do something fun instead.

ipswitch · 17/05/2013 16:43

Oh yes, forgot to mention that the email is ridiculous.
You sound very needy and special.
Grow up.

EldritchCleavage · 17/05/2013 16:48

Oh, stop piling in to give her a kicking, she's admitted the email was over the top.

NorthernLurker · 17/05/2013 16:57

I think the OP has had a real kicking from people who maybe haven't been in this situation? I have. I was only offered two tickets for graduation which would have meant choosing between my parents and my husband. I raised this with the admin organising the ceremony and they gave me an extra ticket. As I think they would have done for others in similar circumstances. I think that more than 3 tickets is wishful thinking but for the small number of people who have circumstances which mean they would like them it can and should be done. The OP has apologised in any case and I'm sure will go on to have a great career in medicine. Congratulations on your graduation OP!

cinnamonsugar · 17/05/2013 16:59

Oh OP, you sound like you need quite a few WineWineWine when you don't have a night shift coming up. Good you've sent a follow-up mail. I think the suggestions for a lovely family celebration are worth thinking about. Good luck.

Ilikethebreeze · 17/05/2013 17:02

At the end of the day, it is not your fault your parents split up.
At the end of the day, it is also only a graduation ceremony..
My guess is you havent been to any before.
I have been to several. In fact, I missed one and sent others in my place, because as others said, they are boring. and I hate having my photo taken.

Lilithmoon · 17/05/2013 17:06

OP well done with your course. I hope you find a way to really enjoy your graduation.
I think many of the responses on this thread have been harsh.

Dawndonna · 17/05/2013 17:06

I can't bare the thought I can't bear it either.

I used to work in university admin (wouldn't say I was underpaid either!), Bloody hell, parantheses, exclamation mark and a comma. Stunning, just stunning.

MrsOakenshield · 17/05/2013 17:16

OP, fair play for sticking with the thread, being gracious in the face of a trillion YABUs, and sending your 2nd email.

over-emotional - am I the only person thinking the OP might be PG?

DisappointedGraduand · 17/05/2013 17:33

I can't bare the thought I can't bear it either. I actually started with bear and then changed it. Argh!

Thank you for everyones' responses.

I'm going to work now so if there are any more posts I'm afraid I will not be able to reply to them until tomorrow.

Jan49 · 17/05/2013 17:45

I'm confused about how many tickets you actually have. I think your first choice of person to take should be your h not your parents. To avoid choosing between your parents, you could just tell your h to go with your dd if she's allowed or alone if not. Arrange for the other family members to visit but not attend and then they can look after your dd if necessary. Afterwards all meet up for a meal if your parents and their partners are on good terms.Smile

clam · 17/05/2013 17:51

Why can't your mum go with your dad? Why would your step dad get to go over your bio dad?
That said, I think you need to tell them the situation and let them fight it out between them. And if they can't, take your dh, get a babysitter for your dd, and sell the spare ticket to someone else with a step-family problem.
NEXT!