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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that university graduation teams should cater for separated families?

249 replies

DisappointedGraduate · 17/05/2013 13:50

I will be graduating from medical school this summer and have been unable to secure an extra ticket. I therefore must tell either my Dmum, DSdad or Ddad that they cannot attend the ceremony. It's a long story, detailed in the below letter that I sent to the university, but the short of it is:

In this day and age, when many people who are graduating come from separated families, shouldn't universities make allowances to ensure that all of a graduates direct family i.e. parents & spouse can attend?

For anyone interested, below is my full story:

Dear Graduation Team,

I am writing to express my regret and dissappointment with the extremely poor organisation that has taken place regarding the ticket sales for ceremony 12

Due to the 'technical difficulties' I was unable to buy an extra ticket when they were supposed to go on sale last week. As it was so important to my family to get an extra ticket, I have been sat at a computer in the medical school constantly refreshing the graduation ticket sales page since 8.30am this morning.

Bang on 9am the site shut down due to 'high traffic', displaying the message in the screenshot attached to this email. I then constantly refreshed the page and tried restarting Internet Explorer all to no avail. I called the graduation team at 10.05am to be told that the extra tickets had sold out, however broadcast tickets were still available to purchased online. I tried to explain that for me, the site was not working (screenshot) and in this time the broadcast tickets also sold out.

I feel let down by the graduation team on three fronts:

Firstly: I imagine that demand for graduation tickets for medical school graduates is always high, as was the experience of collegues in the past two years of graduates. Therefore it would seem sensible to arrange a venue more suitable to meeting the demand for this particular cohort of students or to split the cohort into two ceremonies. The graduation team member that I spoke to on the phone said that uptake of tickets is variable, which I imagine to be true for other courses, but am highly sceptical that this is the case for medical graduations.

Secondly: I had anticipated a fair first-come first-served basis for buying tickets. This is not the case if the Graduation website is not built to be capable of sustaining the anticipated volume of traffic, so that not all students have a fair chance of accessing the site. This problem became apparent when the tickets first went on sale last week and obviously had not been sufficiently rectified before ticket sales were opened up again this morning, as evidenced by my experience.

Finally: In order to be at my computer at 9am (two weeks in a row), I have had to be late for an important clinical placement. Medical students on their medical assistantship placements (as half of them all will be) are expected to work the hours of a professional junior doctor. Opening up ticket sales when half of medical students should be on the ward seeing patients is at best unfair to the half of the medical student body on their Mast placement and at worse encouraging them to overlook their professional responsibilities. I was able to work late a previous evening (time away from my daugher) in order to be late this morning to buy tickets - not all Mast students would be able to do this.

I am in a situation, like many other students, whereby I come from a split family. I have a mother, a step-father and a father who have all equally been parents to me throughout my life. I also have a husband and daughter, however had already made the tough decision that my parents would have priority for attending the ceremony. I am therefore now in the impossible situation of telling one of my parents that they cannot attend my graduation. This is causing more heartbreak than the amount of joy that attending such an event is supposed to cause.

I am the first person in my family to attend university and during my time in medical school had to have surgery for endometriosis (a condition that threatened my fertility) and, on the advice of specialists, I conceived during medical school and went on to have my daughter. Completing medical school with my medical problems and a young baby has been long and very difficult and I am overjoyed to finally be able to graduate. It is such a shame that an organisational error and poor foresight on behalf of the graduation team has dampened this acheivement. I am not telling you this as a 'sob story' to try to make you magic tickets that do not exist. I am not that naive. Instead I am trying to make you understand that the students you are dealing with are real people with complicated lives and not just entitled individuals wanting their second cousins etc to attend.

In this day and age, I imagine it is very common for students to have more than two parents, not to mention spouses, and believe that it is the graduation teams responsibilty to understand and accomodate this.

The ideal outcome to these issues would be for the graduation team to increase the amount of tickets available by either splitting the cohort into two ceremonies or moving the ceremony to a larger venue, however I imagine that this is unachievable at this late date.

Therefore, I hope that this email provides food for thought and enables to graduation team to make much needed improvements to their services to avoid this level of upset and dissappointment for future years.

Kind Regards,

Disappointed Graduate

OP posts:
Snugglepiggy · 17/05/2013 18:34

YABU and sound immature and frankly with a sense of entitlement.That may be harsh as haven't had time to read every post but your initial one made me cringe tbh.Especially bit about your endometriosis.At each of my DDs graduations various friends have had complex family set ups and some really sad reasons why umpteen members of the family would love to have been at the ceremony but ticket numbers are finite.With step parents and many second marriages / divorces etc family dynamics are more complicated than ever, but that's not the fault of the university.Please try to move on ,enjoy the ceremony and day and meet all those other people afterwards for a lovely meal,and celebration.

VinegarDrinker · 17/05/2013 18:43

OP, hope you are not reading this thread on Saturday morning post-nights. If you are, GET SOME SLEEP. FWIW you've been very gracious and I think some of these responses are spectacularly unkind.

I've flipped out over plenty of similar "non issues" over the years, and I totally get where you are coming from.

Nightshifts plus a baby/ toddler is a killer combination, it really is. I have had more random meltdowns than I care to remember as a result. That utter wretched feeling of almost delirious exhaustion and then you have to go home to a super demanding little person.

Be kind to yourself, sleep whenever you can and bloody well done on passing finals. Ignore the ridiculous posters who think that doctors have to be super-human and never let their emotions get the better of them.

BrienneOfTarth · 17/05/2013 18:47

Move on, YABU.

If everyone was allowed 3 tickets, there would be exactly the same number of people trying to get a 4th, they would not reduce the number of disappointed people by increasing the venue size or number of ceremonies.

The fact that the site crashed didn't substantially disadvantage you. Some people got through, those people who did geet through were successful getting tickets. Who they were would have been random, so you had as much chance as anyone of being lucky, you just weren't.

Every year, there will be X people who are sad they didn't get an extra ticket, and about 2% of those will have enough of a sense of entitlement to complain. The person who receives it will have seen an identical email every year, have long ago concluded that they are only written by the selfish and entitled, and have a standard, scrupulously polite reply which you will receive in due course. You won't feel satisfied by this but they don't expect you to.

renaldo · 17/05/2013 19:02

Also don't make it your problem . They'll you parents and step parent that you have two tickets and they need to decide how they are allocated. They are grown ups and it's your big day so they need to be mature and reasonable for your sake

BlackMini · 17/05/2013 19:25

Bloody hell! You have 2 biological parents, let them watch the ceremony and have your step dad look after baby. My uni even had the student cinema set up showing the live screening of graduation so you could watch it all, much better for small, fussy children.

I don't quite understand why you've felt the need to tell total strangers about your health and fertility problems. It's weird.

littlemonkeychops · 17/05/2013 19:35

I don't understand your logic at all, everyone gets two tickets which is fair, the others are first come first served and sadly you missed out. Annoying and upsetting but what on earth has your personal family history and health got to do with it?! Illogical.

VinegarDrinker · 17/05/2013 19:44

Read the thread, people.

ArabellaBeaumaris · 17/05/2013 19:46

I am genuinely intrigued, btw, as to why you feel a medical school graduation is more important to the graduand than those of other discipline?

My DP is a doctor, & he - & lots of his friends - didn't attend graduation. Having been to one for his first degree he knew what a painfully dull experience it is!

MiaowTheCat · 17/05/2013 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VinegarDrinker · 17/05/2013 20:04

Where did the OP say that Arabella ? She said that anecdotally in previous years demand for tickets had been higher.

I think, medicine apart, being the first from your family to go to Uni makes graduation a much bigger deal for all concerned.

Having said that (and this is just my option, nowt to do with the OP), there is also the fact that graduating from a medical or other vocational degree isn't just about completing a degree, it's about qualifying for a profession, becoming registered with the relevant professional body and in lots of cases, standing up and reciting the modern version of the Hippocratic oath. Personally I found it dull as shite but that's just me They also tend to be much longer than your average degree - typically 5 or 6 years.

I can well imagine that a family who may well have supported the OP financially and practically with childcare over the past X years, who have never been to Uni themselves, are understandably bursting with pride about her qualifying as a doctor.

The biological parent comments are fascinating. We have no idea when the OP's parents divorced. For all we know her SD could have raised her from boyhood, would you step parents on here be in such a hurry to dismiss your emotions in favour of logic if your SC were in this position?

VinegarDrinker · 17/05/2013 20:05

That's babyhood, not boyhood. Autocorrect fail.

deleted203 · 17/05/2013 20:09

I'm more worried that you had to be late to an important clinical placement - because you were sitting at your computer trying to get tickets for something that, to you, was absolutely vital.

It gives me cause for concern about your professional capabilities, to be honest. Particularly if you are expecting to enter the medical profession.

VinegarDrinker · 17/05/2013 20:17

If undergraduate Deans or the GMC were as unforgiving as you lot, noone would ever be allowed to be a doctor!

According to MN we should all be unemotional totally logical robots, or else we'll be bloody awful at our jobs.

Seekingsense · 17/05/2013 20:25

In the OP, it says that the OP had worked late another day in order be late on the morning in question.

Presumably, this was therefore agreed in advance with her supervisor.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 17/05/2013 20:35

Sorry - this is ridiculous. If you give everyone 3 tickets, then they'll just want 4.

Frankly, I'm shocked that you would have rearranged a placement to sit about trying to logon to the website. Couldn't one of your parents/step parents have done this?

Separately, I also really feel for your DH in all of this. If you could have got an extra ticket, then he should have got it. I also really do think that one of the parent combo should do the decent thing and let him attend.

DoJo · 17/05/2013 20:35

Unfortunately you have broken the cardinal rules of writing an effective complaint letter: you have included irrelevant information, you have allowed your emotions to overspill, you have asked for something which can not happen and you haven't suggested a solution which is in their power to offer. I can understand your upset and frustration, but this letter has probably made the people that you need to help you feel less inclined to if anything.

rainbowbrite1980 · 17/05/2013 20:45

YANBU. Not at all. Prioritising parents over husband isn't a decision I would have made but I'm sure you have your reasons. I can imagone how you've struggled to graduate given the obstacles and how much the graduation ceremony means to you and your parents. I can also imagine that you might feel forced to choose between father and stepfather, with the connotations as to who has been more of a father - horrible situation.

Here's what I would do: explain the situation to parents. Explain that you don't think it would be fair to exclude one or choose between them, so your husband and daughter will be going into the ceremony. Invite all 3 parents to watch the ceremony on the big screen (There's usually that facility) - then go for a slap up meal and some champers afterwards. And don't let this take any of your joy away whilst you celebrate your achievement.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 17/05/2013 20:46

It's the fact that I will be made (by family) to pick which of my parents doesn't go which, in my family, will be seen as though I love that person less. This is the difficult bit that made me emotional

This is the root of the problem. OP - I genuinely feel sorry for yiu. My DH has parents who emotionally blackmail him like this including having to have 2 best men at our wedding so his dad coukd be on. Yes. Really

It's so unfair. I'm so glad that my parents approach everything with open hearts and, even if they were upset, would never, ever spoil my special day.

accordiongirl · 17/05/2013 20:50

You're bonkers. That letter's way too long.

rainbowbrite1980 · 17/05/2013 20:51

Also, you could try putting a request on the university intranet that if anyone has a spare ticket you'd like to buy it. Some people will inevitably decide not to attend th graduation / people won't make it at the last minute.

dementedma · 17/05/2013 21:31

This is a problem which will affect hundreds of families. My colleague min work is trying to resolve a family feud over this very issue, my sis is complaining that she will have to sit next to ex-dh and be civil ( get over yourself you selfish bitch).
Seriously, do you know how boring graduation ceremonies are? I am secretly hoping that dd will only get 2 tickets and I will graciously stand down so dh and grandma can go and sit for hours to watch her cross the stage for 30 seconds and I'll will meet them in the pub after

Wossname · 17/05/2013 21:40

Why did you name change, op ?

ilovecolinfirth · 17/05/2013 21:43

You can't spell 'disappointment'. First paragraph of your letter.

80sMum · 17/05/2013 21:50

Perhaps the best thing would be not to attend the ceremony at all but simply pick up your certificate from the university.
The most important thing is that you have completed the course and have your qualification. Many congratulations, by the way.

MisForMumNotMaid · 17/05/2013 21:56

I went to my (big) sisters graduation with my mum and dad. We were all really proud of her, she nearly died in her first year and missed a term and a half recovering.

Tickets for the ceremony bit were in short supply so I didn't do that bit. It was a short part of the whole day. We met in the morning, collected her gown, chatted to her friends and their parents, went out to lunch with a big group of other graduates and their families, some of whom I had coffee with whilst those that had tickets went to the ceremony bit.

We have family photos with us all in.

I know that its a different dynamic with parents/ step dad but if they can all be in the room together is there a way you could work this and involve your DH too?