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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not normal?

168 replies

TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 16:07

My step sister (but we are very close) has been in a relationship with a guy for three years now. They have been living together for 2. Her DP lived a fair bit away but only a 45 minute train journey, he moved away to live with her.

In those three years she has never met any of her DP's friends or family. He goes home to visit his family regularly for a weekend but never offers to take her. He also goes down there for Christmas, New Year and Easter but yet again never gives her an invite. When he is with his family he never picks up the phone to my sister and will call her back a few hours later.

My step sister has asked to meet his family but he always says no and gets very defensive. Apparently his family is wierd?
It's all really dodgy, when someone from back home calls him he takes the phone call and if step sister or anyone is in the room he walks away and has the phonecall in the bathroom out of earshot.
He never talks about his family and if step sister or her family and friends ask him about them he becomes very guarded.

He is 6 years older that my sister if that means anything.

Is my sister and I right in thinking this is bloomin weird?

OP posts:
Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 16:08

They met on the Internet btw

OP posts:
Squitten · 15/05/2013 16:08

I would think it was really weird!

In fact, I'd be very concerned that he was hiding something very important. Like a whole other family or kids...

Spero · 15/05/2013 16:10

Not normal. Weird. If you had genuine reasons not to want to mix with your family, you would talk about it. Only thing I can think of is he has another woman and your friend is being kept secret.

Omnishambolic · 15/05/2013 16:10

blooming so.

assuming no mystery wife/etc, would think it's time for a serious talk about what if any future they have, because doesn't sound like he sees this as forever.

TidyDancer · 15/05/2013 16:10

Yanbu, and I would be extremely suspicious that there was a specific reason for the weirdness.

I suspect Squitten may be right, that there is another woman involved,

Floggingmolly · 15/05/2013 16:10

His "family" almost certainly consist of a wife and kids.

Why would anyone put up with this?

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 16:10

That's whit I think squitten although would never say that to my sister. I feel bad for thinking it because he is a really nice guy but its just this little kook he has.

OP posts:
Dawndonna · 15/05/2013 16:11

This happened to a friend of me. It went on for fifteen years. She had two dc with him. He was married with two dc elsewhere too.

Spero · 15/05/2013 16:11

Just re read your op. given the frequency of his visits, my money is on another woman and children. He probably tells them he is a lorry driver or in the SAS.

Sorry but. Think this is bad news. She should insist on meeting his family, if he refuses, she should end it.

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 16:12

But the thing is if he did have a secret family it can't be possible, he goes home 2 weekends of a month on average, not including bank holidays and the like.

OP posts:
Spero · 15/05/2013 16:13

Why does that meanits not possible? Sounds perfectly possible to me. He goes back for all significant holidays and won't answer the phone to her? Come on.

AmberSocks · 15/05/2013 16:13

i think she should follow him one of the times and see where it is hes going!with a disguise and everything!tell her to do it and report back to us!

Squitten · 15/05/2013 16:14

Does he "work away" or have any other excuse for disappearing for long periods?

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 16:14

spero she has demanded and threatened to leave and he has argued hthat what does his family have to do with their relationship. She really loves him and I can't stress enough how much of a good guy he is. I feel I can say that because we have no concrete proof at the moment.

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 15/05/2013 16:14

I didn't meet my DP's parents for 4 years!! Although i had spoken to them on the phone. He also wasn't living with me - again, long distance, well hours journey away. We have been together 20 years now.

quesadilla · 15/05/2013 16:15

It does sound fishy. If he were just embarrassed of them or they were dysfunctional I would expect him to at least talk about them with her. Another woman would explain that.

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 16:15

No he works at the local job centre as an advisor.

OP posts:
Squitten · 15/05/2013 16:16

x-post!

It can indeed be possible. Any wife/GF might think he's working abroad.

Is there any way she could get hold of his Mum's phone number and try calling her?

olibeansmummy · 15/05/2013 16:16

He goes home every holiday and EOW? Sounds like he has secret kids to me...

ENormaSnob · 15/05/2013 16:17

I'll show my arse if he's not married.

olibeansmummy · 15/05/2013 16:17

Sorry forgot to add, not sure why he's hiding them though.

Spero · 15/05/2013 16:17

Er because they are his family? Because he spends time with them? Because he should see her as is family too? Because he should be proud of her and talking about her? Because they should be keen to meet her to see who this great gal is that he is so in love with? Because it matters to her and she is upset?

He is emphatically NOT a great guy or he wouldn't treat her like this. She needs to find her self esteem and get rid of him.

wannaBe · 15/05/2013 16:19

I would say almost certainly living a double life. What does she know about him. Does he have a job? what does he do and where? etc. IMO it's not something he's likely to just disclose even if they have a chat and she gives him an ultimatum, so I would suggest that she thinks seriously about what it is she wants from this relationship. Something as serious as this I might even be inclined to hire something like a private investigator to find out more about him. And I am usually of the "if you need to go to those lengths then the relationship is over anyway" persuasion, but something as serious as this I would want to know. And if there were a wife and family out there I would want them to know so they were aware I wasn't implicated iyswim.

Spero · 15/05/2013 16:19

I will have a picture of George Osbourne tattooed on my arse if this man is genuine.

FJL203 · 15/05/2013 16:20

Two weekends a month? It sounds like he has an access arrangement to see his children.

That or he's still with another woman.

Mind you, in a way I can see the man's point. I would be loathe to allow some poor innocent partner meet my bloody family too!

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