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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not normal?

168 replies

TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 16:07

My step sister (but we are very close) has been in a relationship with a guy for three years now. They have been living together for 2. Her DP lived a fair bit away but only a 45 minute train journey, he moved away to live with her.

In those three years she has never met any of her DP's friends or family. He goes home to visit his family regularly for a weekend but never offers to take her. He also goes down there for Christmas, New Year and Easter but yet again never gives her an invite. When he is with his family he never picks up the phone to my sister and will call her back a few hours later.

My step sister has asked to meet his family but he always says no and gets very defensive. Apparently his family is wierd?
It's all really dodgy, when someone from back home calls him he takes the phone call and if step sister or anyone is in the room he walks away and has the phonecall in the bathroom out of earshot.
He never talks about his family and if step sister or her family and friends ask him about them he becomes very guarded.

He is 6 years older that my sister if that means anything.

Is my sister and I right in thinking this is bloomin weird?

OP posts:
Livvylongpants · 15/05/2013 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 15/05/2013 18:51

Maybe his family is just properly crazy. He may be completely mortified of them and believe she'd run a mile if she met them.

Dps family is that sort of crazy and I could easily imagine him keeping a partner away from them out of sheer embarrassment...

It could just be a habit he's gotten into and he's just not sure how to break it

Or he could be a raving loon himself with another family on the go

MoodyDidIt · 15/05/2013 19:00

he has SO got another family

or at the very least another woman

keep us updated op

Lambzig · 15/05/2013 19:15

Really can't see a good outcome for this OP, are you sure you want to find out as then it will be your burden to tell or keep quiet. I don't envy you.

OTTMummA · 15/05/2013 19:26

Hate to break it to you but my step dad had another woman and whole other social life he kept hidden for 14yrs.
I can't even understand how he did it as he hardly ever went away and had a ft job, so it is definately possible he had another life considering the time apart.

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 19:38

Ok I went on 192 and am a bit Confused he is registered at an address in his hometown years ago, I've done the maths and it was when he turned 18- possibly when he first went on the electoral roll?

There are 2 older people (presumably parents), a man and a woman ( siblings?)

No trace of him after this but all other members of household still on there I think.

Can't find any trace of him.

He does have facebook but only 23 friends, which include my sister and her family and a couple of bloke mates from back home. I tried to look at his friends profiles but they are quite private. No wall posts from his mates back home just a few status comments and likes. He only has about 12 pictures on the account.

OP posts:
Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 19:40

Also no trace of birth records or marriage records. What can I do now for further digging?

OP posts:
Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 19:42

Fuck! It's so hard to find anything because he has a common name. He has however mentioned before that his family's surname used to be Irish (e.g, O'Leary) and they dropped the O'

Maybe worth looking him up under the previous O' surname no?

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 15/05/2013 19:44

Would hazard a guess it's a fake FB account. Well, a duplicate he has made for the benefit of your sister.

Bearbehind · 15/05/2013 19:46

It really does sound like he has another life somewhere. It amazes me how little some women expect from a relationship so the OW might well completely accept his every other weekend and holiday only presence.

I wouldn't bother with checking the married man's tax code as suggested up thread though, it only applies to people born before 1935 and I'm guessing if he has the energy for 2 lives he is under 78 Grin

Nux · 15/05/2013 19:46

Someone upthread suggested using ancestry.com which has details of marriages, census records etc - she suggested to PM her - worth a try?

quoteunquote · 15/05/2013 20:04

well there is always a way of finding out where he is going,

He may be from a Plymouth brethren family or similar, and once he comes out with his relationship, he will be shunned.

If she has committed so much time to the relationship, she really should find out what is going on, before she commits any more.

Is she sure he is using his real name?

noseymcposey · 15/05/2013 20:13

is he friends with any of his family on facebook? If not, then very strange. Next thing I would try is looking up his possible brother/sister on facebook... maybe their settings are not so secure?

noseymcposey · 15/05/2013 20:14

I think even if you aren't friends with someone you can see their friends list? Might prove interesting?

OnTheNingNangNong · 15/05/2013 20:17

Are there any Fb profiles of a similar name/location? Have his parents remarried?

This does sound suspect. What about googling his full name and hometown?

flamingtoaster · 15/05/2013 20:32

You could try doing a Google Image search if you have a photograph of him. It's described here websearch.about.com/od/peoplesearch/tp/googlepeoplesearch.htm

DontMeanToBeRudeBut · 15/05/2013 21:07

This is very weird and will not turn out well. I'm not doing any forfeits if he turns out to be a harmless weirdo who goes off fishing or something though :o

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 21:14

Wow it's like I'm talking to MI5 Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 15/05/2013 21:15

Have had a message from a kind mumsnetter to do a search for me, I'm going to find out what she can find and then ask for her help

OP posts:
claudedebussy · 15/05/2013 21:21

i'd be soooo tempted to follow him when he goes home.

some espionage is definitely required here.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/05/2013 21:22

Can you/your sister afford a private detective? Sorry but this is weird - this guy definitely has anther life elsewhere. His behviour practically screams this. My ex was living a double life and at the time I never knew but looking back now, the signs were all there. This is so similar. Will she listen if you talk it through?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/05/2013 21:26

I turned PI on my ex, OP. I found out who he was seeing, where she worked (with him Hmm), her age, phone no etc, and this was before the days of FB etc. I'm quite a good researcher, so give me a shout if you need any help. BTW, if anyone's wondering what I did with all that info, it was nothing. Well, except confront it with the truth, that is.

BlackMaryJanes · 15/05/2013 21:59

Goodness me. What an interesting thread. I'm on tender hooks!

AnAirOfHope · 15/05/2013 22:56

Shamlessly waiting for an update Grin

pastmyprime · 15/05/2013 23:33

There is always the possibility he's just embarrassed by his family. Maybe there are mental health problems. Or in prison. Or something else that he himself has a real problem dealing with and admitting to.

Of course big chance he's also a duplicitous toe rag. But other people's life are often stranger than fiction..

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