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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accepting a caution while training to be a nurse

369 replies

burntoutteacher · 14/05/2013 21:42

This is a really brief synopsis, hope you guys can help.

My friend is training to be a nurse. Her mentally abusive ex has been harassing her via the authorities since they split. In 18 months he has taken her to court for access (Confusedbut doesn't show up ), and reported her to SS and she had to be interviewed twice. He won't work officially but does have jobs on the quiet, doesn't pay towards the children either.

Foolishly, she approached him at his place of work 6 months ago and argued with him over money. He started pushing her out of the shop and she lashed out and hit him across the chest. He called the police and wants her prosecuted. She has begged him not to, given the effect it will have on her career and the children, but he just laughed.

Police want to caution her instead but my understanding is that it will remain on her file for 100 years and will be just as damaging for her career. She has to sign the caution tomorrow and is devastated.

Is there anything at all she can do? Police have apparently tried to reason with him but he said he feels victimised ( don't get me started on that) and so she is to be cautioned.

She feels the career she tried so hard for is about to be shattered and he will then find new ways of beating her down. Please help:/

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 15/05/2013 15:52

Is it possible that both Suzanne and Celtic are both right, being that Scottish and English law is different?

SusanneLinder · 15/05/2013 15:52

Contrary to what you think OP, I do hope your friend doesn't accept that caution. And her ex sounds like a tosser.

I have a nasty feeling that her ex wants to pursue this as a form of control.Sounds like another form of abuse to me.

SusanneLinder · 15/05/2013 15:53

Is it possible that both Suzanne and Celtic are both right, being that Scottish and English law is different?

That could be possibe :)

Spero · 15/05/2013 15:55

Well speaking as a family lawyer, I can tell your friend that a judge would be incredibly unimpressed if he didn't have contact for that reason. Unless the court order specifically prohibits others attending handovers, or he has injunctions against named individuals, he is talking rubbish and there is no way your friend would be considered in breach of contact order.

I would advise handovers via 3rd party or contact centre as matter of urgency as I can't see this situation between them calming down soon.

msrisotto · 15/05/2013 15:56

Thanks for the update op. It kinda sounds like she needs a different solicitor though! The only way she got anything resembling good news was all off her own back and her solicitor doesn't even appear to be trying.

Yargg · 15/05/2013 16:02

Accept the caution and deal with it. end of.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/05/2013 16:17

I think what your friend also needs to do is have a very firm word with her family members to the effect that if they start going after the XP on her behalf they are actually doing her harm by playing into his hands.
Also, she needs a better lawyer, one experienced in dealing with abusive, controlling men. This man's hands can be tied, he is not above the law, but she needs to learn to ignore his provocation.

Original poster
burntoutteacher · 15/05/2013 16:22

SGB- totally agree. Her sis looks after the kids while she is on placement as it involves overnights so she is very closely tied up in it all but I was furious when I found out what she did. Friend has agreed to speak to entire family ASAP

Also, Spiro, that's good news. Will tell her.
Suzanne, thanks. He's a tosspot, left her when she had cancer and now continues to make her life a misery. I see no merit in her accepting her fate when she has children to feed and is still only 35 yo

OP posts:
Original poster
burntoutteacher · 15/05/2013 16:23

Also agree she needs a new sol- he sounds crap!

OP posts:
kungfupannda · 15/05/2013 16:23

Is she in England or Ireland?

Spero · 15/05/2013 16:26

Northern Ireland I think.

Yes, what SGB says. Family must stay out of this, they will only make things worse.

Bobyan · 15/05/2013 16:30

Are we reading the same thread yargg?

Original poster
burntoutteacher · 15/05/2013 16:32

Yes NI. Wish I was there right now tbh!

OP posts:
SusanneLinder · 15/05/2013 16:41

Yargg-she can't accept the caution.It will affect her fitness to practice. It could affect her chances of being registered by NMC.

OP- Can't Womens Aid recommend a solicitor? They usually have access to solicitors that are used to dealing with issues like this?

Original poster
burntoutteacher · 15/05/2013 16:47

Will tell my friend to as them Suzanne, good idea

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 15/05/2013 16:51

just popped back - i was in the middle of catching up with this thread in the loos at work on my mobile when our own CPS very rudely interrupted me with questions about a case im on (i cant even escape to the loo!!) Smile so i never did get to the end until home.

i have every sympathy with your friend, but from a police perspective their hands are well and truly tied. Thats why its a hard job - you need empathy, but you also have to do what you are paid to do - and thats shovel all the evidence up and sent it to someone else to make decisions on. Our own feelings cant come into it.

I hope the outcome for your friend is a good one. keep me posted.

Original poster
burntoutteacher · 15/05/2013 16:58

Hi vicar, did you read my update below? Do you think it looks better for her? Thanks for coming back to the thread by the way!

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 15/05/2013 17:18

I was reading this thread this morning and wondering how your friend got on. I'm glad she managed to resolve the problem for today, and I hope this has bought her some time.

Her family need to understand that as angry and upset as they are they must stay completely out of it.

She needs to do her best to stay the hell away from him too. Working with women's aid to arrange 3rd party handovers etc sounds like a good first step.

I know this man probably boils her piss but look how much damage has been done from her rising to his provocations. As hard as it is her future will be harder if she allows him to manipulate her like this again. I hope she can put some plans and strategies in place to avoid a situation like this again.

Original poster
burntoutteacher · 15/05/2013 17:36

Thanks stunt, she is going to do everything she can to stay away. He said he won't deal with contact centres either ( the row with her sister started because he demanded to know where my friend was when he called to collect his dd from sister)

He wants to get at my friend so bad, I've just heard he sent her sister a letter this morn saying he will be pushing for court proceedings against her? Wtf? How is he getting legal aid for this crap?

OP posts:
LetMeAtTheWine · 15/05/2013 17:46

He sounds like a first class tosser. I really hope your friend manages to get this sorted and is able to move forward with her future. I will never understand how someone can want to destroy the life of the person who is raising their children. It beggars belief.

I hope her family do stay out of this given the situation she has now found herself in, hard though that will be.

Thinking positive thoughts and will be checking back with fingers crossed for a good outcome. Here's hoping....

50shadesofmeh · 15/05/2013 17:54

Just to point out you can only use assault as self defence when it is proportionate to the threat you are under, the fact she actively went to seek him out at his place of work doesn't make your friend seem I intimidated by him at all.

StuntGirl · 15/05/2013 17:57

I don't think he gets to choose does he? Forgive me if I'm wrong, I know feck all about it. But your friend is dealing with Women's Aid due to the abuse she suffered during their relationship, I'm fairly certain she can organise contact and hand overs to happen at contact centres and there's fuck all he can do about it?

Your friend needs to talk to Women's Aid again and tell them the poison he's been telling her, they can set her straight. I think contact centres and third party hand overs are probably what's best for the future, even if he doesn't like it (because it's one less way he can control her probably).

SolidGoldBrass · 15/05/2013 18:03

This might sound a bit silly but is your friend sure that she is hearing from the actual police? I do remember a thread some years ago where an abusive man got some equally shitty mate of his to pretend to be a police officer or lawyer or something and tell the OP of the thread that she had to sign some form giving him rights to the house/the DC or she would be prosecuted, and it turned out to be bullshit.

Original poster
burntoutteacher · 15/05/2013 18:08

He was even offered to choose a third party from how own family and rejected that as well. He wants to create trouble for my friend.

I wouldn't say my friend is physically intimidated by him ( he isn't violent) so seeking him out at the shop wouldn't have led her to think he would hit her ( or her himConfused). I agree it looks bad

OP posts:
Spero · 15/05/2013 18:08

Any man who will refuse to see his child because he can't dictate handovers immediately reveals himself to be an idiot and family court will be unimpressed.

Given this really awful history of antagonism and the family joining in frankly the only safe option for the child would be handovers at contact centre or with neutral third party so parents just don't meet.