Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

I know paternity leave hasn't been around long- my DH also had just the day of the birth off. It just seemed an odd thing to comment on, that you actually preferred it like that without him being around so you could do things how you wanted. I just think many people would think about the child and the father and not just their own wants

According to the general consensus on this thread one parent working other sahp receiving tax credit. Parents receiving childcare subsidy. All are being funded apparentely

morethan - from this I take it you think the husband's tax pays the families benefits? 1. Tax is to pay for NHS, schools etc etc not just to get re-routed back into the same family by means of benefits and 2. As your husband is on minimum wage he's not likely to be paying much in the way of tax - not enough to cover your benefits anyway.

I'm not sure about your fact 2) there stepaway

Many women don't breastfeed for very long at all- it's not a correlation with whether they work or not. In fact, I suspect low breastfeeding rates are found more among unemployed women. And among professional women the rate is usually quite high. Anyway, as maternity leave is now up to a year long, the bf thing is not such a big issue as babies aren't exclusively bf at one year old

step I am commenting on you judging women and not men.

its double standards.

I honestly think the whole issue of women being the ones to give birth and bf is not the central issue some people try to make it

Goodness, I had dd1 in the days when you returned to work when the child was 3 or 4 months, and I didn't feel it was an issue even then. I bf for well over a year. So nowadays with up to a year off, there is no reason to feel that bf is a reason to not work. This isn't anti SAHM at all: do it if it suits everyone in your family, but it won't be because you bf, because frankly you could take 12 months ML if you wanted (and still bf when you go back to work if you wish)

Happy well then maybe mothers who put their kids childcare and ubject them to stress for the sake of their career or material gain should just accept that others will think they're selfish.

What a silly post.

I don't have to accept that others will think I'm lazy or work shy because like most sahp with kids at school I'm not.

Accusing mothers who use childcare of subjecting their children to stress is the lowest of the low.
There are good, loving parents and crap parents, regardless of whether they work or not. You can be a working parent who ensures that the high quality care your child receives is not in any way detrimental and indeed adds another positive dimension to their life. And you could be a non working parent subjecting your child to extreme stress through neglect/ arguing with your partner etc

I don't assume that a SAHM is the latter, so why assume that a WOHM is the former ?

I was using the breastfeeding example to explain why Xenia's idea of women returning to their desk once the placenta has been removed, is a flawed one. And also to explain why extended maternity leave exists and not extended paternity leave. In the vast majority of families it will be the woman wanting long term leave. You can call it sexist, I call it biology. If the same debate is going in in 100 years time, women will be saying the same thing. Carrying a child in your womb for 9 months, giving birth to him/her and breastfeeding, is an entirely different experience to that of the Dad. Of course dads are vital and should have longer and more flexible leave, but any comparison between Mothers and Fathers must recognise the fact that men can't yet give birth!

MumnGran

I had almost lost the will to live on this thread. I come back for one last look and find your eloquent voice of experience and reason.

It's all about choice. No-one should criticise or insult those who want to pursue their career, and no-one should criticise or insult those who want to stay at home. Both are supporting their families in the way that suits them and their families.

I think many people here on this thread need to understand that women now choose to be a SAHM or a WOHM. When I first started work it was grudgingly accepted that women could still work when they got married but only until they had a baby.

It was scandalous if mothers continued to work, "taking a job off a breadwinner".

It was a monumental advance for women to be able to choose to have paid maternity leave and return to work after having a baby.

It is not obligatory, nor was it ever meant to be.

It's certainly not anti-feminist to choose to be at home for your family.

you kindof do have to accept whatever people think of you. You have no control over what other people think

I dont understand why people care so much, about what others think of them, if they are happy with their choice

I have always supported the 6 weeks at 90% pay in the UK for women and not men. I believe that reflects recovery time. It also reflects the pathetic breastfeeding rates in the UK. As said above high earning middle class women breastfeed longer and are more likely to work than most stay at home mothers. I breastfed 5 children including twins for at least a year and expressed milk. I was back at work full time in 2 weeks for most of them.

Working gives children benefits. It does not subject them to stress. It means the family has a higher income which is the biggest indicator in the UK of child outcomes and it usually means a more equal happy couple of parents and a better life for everyone all round.

Stepaway

Xenia had a nanny who with each of her 5 children took them to her work at lunch time to bf, so she said. Obviously each when babies, i don't mean she had 5 at once , although there are twins I think.

Janey
I don't think my dh bonded any less with any of our dc, I think it was better for us as it would have felt harder to ask for a break if he had been there all day too. It was lovely to see them together after he came home. By the time dd came along he was working from home anyway so paternity leave wasn't needed as he was there anyway.
He has always been fortunate to spend lots of time with dc and now probably sees dd more than I do.

To the poster who asked whether I have the choice to be a SAHM.

Of course, we all have choices, I could have given up my career and tried to go back later (and probably failed), I could have decided I didnt want private education for our children, nice hols and a comfortable house and gone for the state system (the school fees are our biggest cost per year!). We wouldnt have a mortgage now if we had gone state.

For me working sets an example to my children that women dont only stay at home allowing their partner to continue with their career without concerning themselves about pick ups, play dates etc. We share it.

Do I regret it - not for one minute. TBH, once the children start school I would have struggled to fill my day. I have my own pension, my own money once the normal bills have been paid.

Seeing my DM struggle with my father who never revealed how much he earned - it was the days when the MAN filled in the tax return on behalf of the woman (!!). She had the courage to leave precisely because she had her own job and was not beholden to him and his issues.

HappyGirl.

I answered the question of who receives funding. Or something similar. I don't really want to get into a debate about who pays for what.

Xenia, most people would be utterly horrified at the thought of returning to work 2 weeks after giving birth and trying to normalise it and justify it is undoing decades of campaigning for better maternity rights. As for middle class working parents being the only ones to breastfeed, lol! It is educated women who are more likely to breastfeed, not those who work. sahms often have degrees too, weren't you aware? I could quote statistics at you about divorce rates and couples who both work full time, but I won't get personal.

I also have the benefit of hindsight as my children are older - (one is at boarding schoo)l as to how they have turned out. I would be biased if I commented myself! What I would say is that the older one is a typical teenager but has stacks of confidence, the younger one fights for his position and is well able to hold his own.

So, do I think I made the right decision. Absolutely YES!

step many countries already have shared parenting leave. I doubt those people are biologically totally different.

And I think hand cream has hit on the nub of the issue. If we are raising happy, successful, confident and emotionally in tune children then THAT'S what matters. And plenty of children are like that whether their parents work or not.

Seems to me the problems arise when people seem determined to think their children must be happier or cleverer than other people's. ..

Handcream.

It was me and I was only interested, not judgemental at all.

I must add though that my dh works and still arranges play dates, does pick ups and drop offs and shares all domestic bliss.

I am not trying to invalidate your choice there just pointing out that some dhs of sahms do contribute a lot to the home and so they should

We too are not state school anymore, and come secondary will be looking at a private specialist school for dd, if she hasn't changed her mind by then

So do I. Three of mine have graduated and they will have the benefits children of working mothers have.

(With the first three I expressed milk at work. With the twins I worked for myself by then and our nanny just came to get me when they needed to be fed in the next room which was easier but I am huge breastfeeding supporter, written for LLL, ABM, NCT about it - loads of working mothers breastfeed).

I am a SAHM but my sister-in-law is a WOHM. We are both incredibly happy with out choices and it shouldn't matter. We manage really well financially as my dh has a good job whereas she works because she earns more than my db. Our children are very similar despite being brought up in different ways (childcare/home) and therefore it should not matter. I agree with Xenia in her final point and believe that to achieve this you have to not be sexist-men can be SAHD while the Mother works, if this increases your income.

Its interesting about partners working and SAHM's still expecting them to share all the domestic chores, pick ups etc.

I have my tin hat at the ready but isnt that your job? If I was a SAHM I would do all of that, surely that is point of staying at home. My case is different as I have one at boarding school so dont have to worry during the week but surely the point of you NOT working is so that your partner can continue their career or have I missed something.

Many many SAHM's say that is the reason they are at home. IMHO its risky to put all the financial burden on one person. My SIL is constantly complaining about her DH and what he doesnt do around the house!

He works and is VERY well paid, she literally sits around doing (well I am not sure what she does!). She has one child at school, a cleaner a few times a week, someone to look after the garden and no money worries. Always very busy though she says.....

I don't care what others think. I don't even care about where my taxes go. Well clearly I do care about my taxes because I vote, but I have never looked at another person and thought "my taxes are subbing you".

TBH over the past 40 years I've probably been a net taker anyway, looking at the education, healthcare and the odd benefit I've received, not to mention the benefit I've received from others education and healthcare, the fact we aren't living in a state of civil unrest and haven't been invaded recently... I suspect a lot of us overestimate how much of a contribution we've made in relation to what we've had.

Anyway, this was going somewhere but DP called and I lost my train of though

YES! I remember. I don't care what others think but I do care when others seemingly

a) seek to take the moral high ground and make other women feel guilty when they've not been entirely honest about just how they've managed to do what they do (SAHM or WOHM)

or

b) are rather unrealistic as to what your average Jo(anna) can achieve.