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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 16:11

it's not as black and white as some like to argue. ie. work full-time, never have a career break and life carries on as normal if you separate.
Just untrue.

soverylucky · 17/05/2013 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/05/2013 16:21

Sovery

I do agree with what you are saying about choice, but surely the choices should be easier to make. In the past if you wanted to be sahm your dh wage was enough to allow this. Nowadays it isn't and people rely on tc cb and childcare breaks.
If it were that we had no support then the country would be in a worse state.
I do believe though that it is unfair to fund one lifestyle choice and not another.

FasterStronger · 17/05/2013 16:22

stepawayfromthescreen Fri 17-May-13 16:05:36

a mother who returns to work a couple of weeks after giving birth, when there is no urgent financial requirement, might be a good parent, but not a very interested one. Especially in these days of generous maternity allowance. Even the self employed, of which I am one, can put aside work for a few months at least.

does this apply to men? surely most men could take much more time off work if it was important for them?

and why are you judging women and not men?

FasterStronger · 17/05/2013 16:25

morethan I do believe though that it is unfair to fund one lifestyle choice and not another.

who is being funded?

justmeunderanothername · 17/05/2013 16:29

"In fact, I rather resent my husband's tax going to pay child benefit for families earning 80k a year, particularly since we are not entitled to claim it ourselves."

oh my gosh! Do you mean Child benefit?
Or is there some other benefit I could be claiming?
Me and my husband earn half that and apart from child benefit we don't claim anything else, could we be?

stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 16:31

because one parent should/could spend more than a fortnight and the default is always the mother who gets pregnant, gives birth and breastfeed. When men can do those 3 thins, they'll probably get proper paternity leave!

MumnGran · 17/05/2013 16:32

This thread actually made me want to weep.

I have lived, and raised children, through the struggle for women to achieve "equality", break through the "glass ceiling", and have freedom to make of their lives what they will ....married or single.
I cannot believe that today there are women (not people ...but other women) who take judgemental stance on what other women choose to do with their lives. My generation fought for women to have freedom to choose for themselves. Have we truly swapped men telling us we only belong in the kitchen, just to let WOMEN tell us either that we belong in it full-time, or are letting down our sex if we are not combining it with a career.

There is no place for women to make harsh comments on the life choices of another! Our only real freedom comes when society says that working is a good option and so is staying at home with children (I appreciate that for many, work is a necessity. but that's not what we talking here) ......and women can do either one without condemnation or comment from their peers.

Perhaps the parents of today are victims of feminist success ....... they do not remember the days when leaving your husband meant that you couldn't take your children with you, or when it was still OK to beat your wife if she needed it (and, trust me, police in those days did turn a blind eye to domestic violence). Breaking those barriers was a fight and we won the right to be "equal". When did we start turning on each other?

OP .... stop listening to the pressure exerted by people who assume that you cannot be either fulfilled or a wholly functioning woman unless you do something else with your life. YOU will know when you are ready to look for external interest. It may be that when the children have gone to school, you will feel the need for something else and choose to look for a part-time job. Or you may find yourself running manically between non-paying things which become part of your life. It is your choice ...... stop feeling you have to justify it to anyone.
Your freedom of choice is part of what women fought for in the second half of the 20th century...... please don't throw it away by letting yourself be pressured.

FasterStronger · 17/05/2013 16:41

step always the mother who gets pregnant, gives birth and breastfeed. When men can do those 3 thins, they'll probably get proper paternity leave!

what a silly thing to say.

BiscuitCrumbsInBed · 17/05/2013 16:42

I've read nearly all of this thread and am only commenting now to give a MASSIVE standing ovation to MumnGran for sticking up for feminism, women, and general good manners! A brilliant post. Thank you.

handcream · 17/05/2013 16:42

What I am saying is in these days of high divorce rates and relationship break ups please protect yourselves. There was one thread running where a women has been bullied by her husband for years and consequently has no self worth. She states she has always be a SAHM and feels she has no where to go and doesnt have the guts to leave.

Of course in the event of a divorce you arent fully protected but it will certainly give you some confidence that you still have your job.

If you feel that your relationship is 100 rock solid - great, just like my good friend who has just been left with 2 young children by a partner who finds her boring as she doesnt understand his work and only talks about the children.....

No one has answered my question re tax paying either. If all SAHM's are getting 'their' tax paid by their partners who I am paying for!

fromparistoberlin · 17/05/2013 16:44

MumnGran

hear hear sista!!!!!!

stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 16:45

why is it silly to say that FasterStronger?
Have you an actual argument to back up that assertion?

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 17/05/2013 16:45

What a silly question.

The tax families contribute will vary,some pay large sums,some smaller.

You have a tax allowance,surely you're not surmising you shouldn't pay any tax.

ihategeorgeosborne · 17/05/2013 16:47

Not all stay at home mums are getting their tax paid by their partners handcream. Probably only those that earn a single income of 50k+ are paying for their partners to stay at home. If you are earning 25k and your dh is earning 25k, then you are paying for yourselves. If you and your dh are earning in excess of 25k each then I would say you are paying for others' as well as for yourselves.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/05/2013 16:50

Faster.

According to the general consensus on this thread one parent working other sahp receiving tax credit. Parents receiving childcare subsidy. All are being funded apparentely

EglantinePrice · 17/05/2013 16:53

YES what mumngran said.

Stop the infighting ladies its unhelpful, its ridiculous.

Instead try to remember that there is more than one 'right' and what works for you may be different totally different to the family next door. And shock horror, you may even change your mind as circumstances/life change. That's ok too...

morethanpotatoprints · 17/05/2013 17:02

My dh didn't have paternity leave, he had the day off and went back the next day.
I wouldn't have wanted him there tbh, far easier to get into a routine and recover from birth without him about. I was always happy for him to come home and take over though.
I would be interested to see how men in general feel about being feminised in the way society expects now. Whether they feel less like men and if it makes them happy or if they do it to keep their wife happy, secretly feeling suppressed. My dh has always been hands on from own choice, I'm not sure I would have ever wanted him to be anything other than who is is though, not sure I'd have pushed him for more. Personally it felt natural for me to be the main care provider but I wouldn't have wanted it solely, obviously if dh works away a lot there isn't a lot of choice.

FasterStronger · 17/05/2013 17:03

step so is it because women give birth you judge them? you are not judging men.

janey68 · 17/05/2013 17:08

Surely paternity leave it about the father having time to bond with his child, rather than being hurried back to work so that the mother can sort out a nice routine to suit her? Hmm
Seems to me some people on here think in terms of one parent being superior to the other. It might suit the mothers needs to feel like that, but hey, shouldn't the children be at the centre of this?

FasterStronger · 17/05/2013 17:11

It might suit the mothers needs to feel like that, but hey, shouldn't the children be at the centre of this?

YES.

HappyGirlNow · 17/05/2013 17:11

Oh FFS, if you can afford to be a SAHM after the kids go to school then do it and accept that some people will think you're lazy/entitled/work shy/ unmotivated etc etc but at the end of the day you're not hurting anyone..

BUT, if you can't afford to be a SAHM and manage financially without state help then take some responsibility and get out to work!!!

I can't see what's so difficult about that.

stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 17:12

I can't answer your question Faster because you haven't read my post properly. Now, there's a first for Mumsnet, eh?!

morethanpotatoprints · 17/05/2013 17:14

Janey

For ds1 and 2 men weren't entitled to paid paternity leave. He had plenty time to bond when he came home and did everything child related, and on the weekends he wasn't working or away.
There wasn't any choice for him to go back to work.
Ds2 was quite funny mat ward was opposite a school where he worked, so he went across at 8.30 and said won't be in today, I'm a Dad. he went back (another school) the day after.

stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 17:16

Jesus, are people now seriously suggesting that men and women should get the same amount of leave after a baby is born?

  1. women give birth, not men. They need time to recover physically and emotionally, especially if they've had an instrumental or c section delivery.
  2. women breastfeed. This takes time to establish. Often expressing at work is possible, but the majority of women stop breastfeeding exclusively when they return to work.
  3. most women don't work right up till the day they give birth because working (especially full time) can be hard when heavily pregnant.

Sigh.