Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

[morethanpotatoprints]

Xenia.

What benefits do you mean? I see plenty of benefits in my 2 grown ds's and have never worked, I wondered what the difference was.

Mine are both employed. The eldest has nearly saved enough for deposit for house he is 21 and has been self sufficient almost from being 16, I am very proud of him. Ds2 is about to complete A levels and is also employed and beginning to pay his own way. Both are capable of running a home and will make a modern day wohm very pleased indeed. They are both well rounded individuals and content with their lot atm but eager to progress within their chosen field. I am interested in the comparison, not in a better v worse debate but the differences.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Handcream

There are times when my dh works away and the dc miss him. Even now at 21 ds1 is disappointed if he comes back and his Dad isn't here. Its right for dc to see both parents when possible. If dh is at home and dd needs a lift to a party, concert or rehearsal he will take her. He may stay and watch with the other parents, he can't do it when he's away.
If the washing up needs doing, washing going on or pegging out he will do it. I don't see the problem with this. He expects to do it as do all the other members of our family, we are a team. I expect him to do domestic stuff as I do things to help his business, there is a lot of admin that I enjoy doing. Its stops your life from becoming a drudge and one person isn't left doing all the shitty jobs, although I do my share of these too.

[handcream]

More than - in my dating years I met many men who had SAHM's who did EVERYTHING for them. It was unusual if they didnt. They were a nightmare - although I never got to do their washing (lucky me!) there was clearly an expectation that women were very good at cooking, and generally looking after men! I was rubbish at cooking (tbh - I wish I wasnt but just dont have the time now!). Perhaps when I retire I will do a cordon bleu cookery course, my DH says I should aim MUCH lower....

He does all the cooking (and I do the clearing up and the shopping which is much worse!)

[handcream]

If you are providing admin support to his job that is slightly different. I am talking about women who stay at home having no input into their DH role which is most women in my view.

Working with 80% men. Some say that their wives often show no interest in their role, just complain they are not helping at home, and that they should come home when they say they should. I think it a dangerous view to have. I dont mind if I am flamed for this but that's what the men I work with tell me...

Well,well paid roles often demand that you do at very short notice finish that report or resolve that customer issue rather than go home and take your son to his Beavers Club. Its just how it is.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Handcream.

I have never done much picking up after mine, but have taught them how to look after themselves. I think its because I have seen the above you mention and there really is no need for it.
We want our dc to be happy and for men especially their roles and what is expected of them is constantly changing. When ds1 was born somebody gave me a very old childcare book, not quite spock but almost. It was talking about ironing and it said "If the husband is agreeable ask if you can iron the front of the shirt only" Ffs I made my mind up then, they were all going to iron. The new baby mags were talking about modern man and how it was important to bond with baby, so watch mother and learn. Perhaps ask if she will teach you how to change nappies and bath baby. My ds1 is nearly 22 this wasn't centuries ago. Now men are just expected to get in there and get on with it.

[JenaiMorris]

handcream you need a flame proof suit, not a tin hat for that one

If dp was a SAHP I would expect him to do pretty much everything when it came to domestics however seeing as we'd share living space I'd expect him to tidy up behind himself and I'd appreciate his help here and there, just as I'm sure he'd appreciate my help in making up his packed lunch.

Also, being at home with children all day can be bloody exhausting. Being at home with anyone all day can be taxing. People rub each other up the wrong way - including children and their parents and even in those four or five hours between school end and bedtime. I wouldn't object if on my return at 19:00 he handed over the task of child-management before the two of them fell out irreparably, because I've been there

[AlvinHallsGroupie]

Totally agree with both your points there Jenai


In reference to Maternity leave its not only to do with breastfeeding as by law all employers must provide facilities to enable women to have privacy/facilities to enable them to express/store breastmilk .
In many cases including my own I would not have been able to physically do my job. To suggest a woman recovers from birth in 6 weeks is wrong.

[JenaiMorris]

AT home can also = out and about. "In the company of" would have been a better way of putting it.

[Saski]

Xenia, I find your posts interesting, and I always wonder if you are this direct in real life?

However, I do believe that your thesis "mothers going back to work> making more money > upgrading their class status --> increasing their kids chances of success" is reversal of causality. Kids from successful families do better because of the same factors that make their parents successful, not their success.

[handcream]

Am I on fire????

[racmun]

I haven't read the whole post literally the last dozen or so posts and the first few. It's amazing how it has turned into a bun fight over what is best which is exactly what the op said she didn't want!!! I think she was genuinely interested in what other SAHM's do when they children are at school.

for what it's worth I don't think you can have one size fits all as every family dynamic is so different.

Unfortunately we do live in a material world and children do need a certain amount of money to sustain them , exactly how much depends again on family circumstances. Saying that having 2 parents working is beneficial because it means more money is a bit of a one sided view in my opinion. For some families having two parents working may not be worth the additional stress if you are comfortable enough financially with just one parent working.

[Blueskiesandbuttercups]

Janey it was in retort to the sahm should just except people thinking they're lazy post which was the lowest of the low imvho.

Seems to me some think it's ok to dish out pretty nasty comments re sahp but not vice versa.

For every nasty sahp comment there are a shed load of nasty wp comments- and vice versa.Pretty pointless but I'm damned if I'm going to sit on my hands every time shite is pouted re sahp.

[janey68]

Racmum- hear hear, of course a one size fits all wont fit everyone

The only thing I'd add to what you say is that of course for many people working isn't just about money, they get all sorts of opportunities and experiences from their work life which they want

(Disclaimer: and of course there are other experiences outside of work and home too!)

[Xenia]

Money is only one of the advantages of women working full time. It may mean that the children then go to private schools, good universities and get good jobs. It also means girls are ambitious and see that women work rather than exist to serve male needs.

There are many other advantages. It means couples often get on better as they have more equality and a happier life.

Most adults get a lot of out of their working life and that benefits the community, the state's revenues (and thus helps the poor and needy) and enhances the lives of all those around them.

On this.....

"Mine are both employed. The eldest has nearly saved enough for deposit for house he is 21 and has been self sufficient almost from being 16, I am very proud of him. Ds2 is about to complete A levels and is also employed and beginning to pay his own way. Both are capable of running a home and will make a modern day wohm very pleased indeed. They are both well rounded individuals and content with their lot atm but eager to progress within their chosen field. I am interested in the comparison, not in a better v worse debate but the differences."

We don't know what careers those boys will choose, which kind of university they have been to or will go to and whether they will in their turn impose housewifery and sexism on their future wives because they see women as serving male needs as the cultural norm and expect their wife to become the domestic drudge when babies come along. I don't comparisons tend to help although we could compare university grades and universities got into and competence in other areas of our respective children I suppose. My older ones are little older so the wage comparison we could do would not work. However in general children of working mothers do tend to do better in life.

[wordfactory]

xenia I think the DC of richer families tend to do better in life .

Now obviously having two working parents might well lead to being wealthy...but some families do it on one wage!

We could certainly live comfortably on DH's silly money. And we could live rather well on mine alone if we wanted to...

[AlvinHallsGroupie]

Blueskies
The problem is that for every lazy sahm comment the answer is always uncaring,selfish wohp comment - its like a tennis match - bash,bash bash,bash.points scored.

The underlying issues about how some women are still suffering financially and in the workplace simply because they are parents are still there.The lack of choice is still there.
I dont have an agenda to push, I am a WOHM and share 50/50 with my DH . We do both roles ,once you move away from the defensive reflex you can see the value in both roles and the importance of equality in parenting and life choices.

[ihategeorgeosborne]

Generally, children from 'richer' households do tend to do well, whether they have SAHPs or WOHPs. This could be for a number of reasons though. It might be because they have more opportunities to pursue activities, education, etc. It might be because the parents have higher aspirations and push their children to do well. It might be because of their values. Children from parents of less wealthy means can and do also do well if they have intelligent, educated parents who bring them up well. My parents weren't rich and my mum was a SAHM, but I was brought up well by intelligent parents and I wanted to go to university so I worked hard and I went. Incidentally, paying for private school is not necessarily the best thing to do for your children anymore, as successive governments are trying to discriminate against children from private schools in favour of those from the state sector, i.e. making universities take certain numbers from state schools, lowering grades for entry requirements to university for state school pupils compared with their private school counterparts. In many ways, I think a good state school is now probably the best way forward, which is a good job for me as we couldn't afford to do the other anyway

[FasterStronger]

But two parents working often increases household income, so increases opportunity.

[Noorny]

If your kids are at school surely this means during that time you are not a stay at home MUM but a stay at home DOSSER.

[janey68]

Now now naughty noorny. That's hardly contributing to the debate

[ihategeorgeosborne]

Noorny, if you read this thread it might give you some insight.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1757768-To-think-actually-WOH-gets-harder-as-they-get-older

[Noorny]

It is not. People who use the SAHM label to sit on their arse and do jack are the people not contributing anything. My mother who was too lazy to work referred to herself as a SAHM when I was 23, my sister was 21 and we were both not even living in the house.

[AlvinHallsGroupie]

Noorny

for you

[BegoniaBampot]

Xenia - many parents have ordinary not well paid jobs, they mostly do their best for their kids that that can given their circumstances, intelligence, education etc. most parents probably hope that their kids do better than they did and will feel that they did a good job if they do. Every time you spout your nonsense it's like a kick in the teeth to normal families (remember you are not the norm with your private education and priveleged) who are just doing best they can without you making out anyone who isn't you is a failure.

[StealthOfficialCrispTester]

Noorny, are you ever in the house alone without your children? Do they ever spend a night at grandparents?