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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Almostfifty · 17/05/2013 15:15

Gaaah! I get so fed up of these threads!

Everyone does what's best for their own particular family. End of.

That's not always what they want to do, but it's the best they can.

This rubbish about one way being the best rather than another way is a load of bollocks.

We're all different, we all do things differently and we're all trying our hardest to keep our families happy and looked after.

stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 15:31

the one thing Xenia's posts always leave me feeling, after reading these threads, is that it is a very good thing to be a sahp.

Cakebaker35 · 17/05/2013 15:33

Well said BegoniaBampot and Almostfifty

discotequewreck · 17/05/2013 15:35

I'm not defensive, I just can't stand beligerent views without sound reason.

Someone has to feed and nurture babies and children Xenia. Who?

Paid nannies? Usually women who are paid a much lower wage than career women like you.

What does that say about the importance of child care?

The only reason you have your money and career is because you could pay other women to do the grudge you feel is beneath you. Feminist my arse.

handcream · 17/05/2013 15:36

So, if your partner is paying YOUR share of tax etc, what am I paying for as we both work? Your option to stay at home perhaps?

stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 15:39

well said discotheque. Xenia had kids, went back to work almost immediately and thinks this should be blueprint for families.
no way!
Children need parents.
It's the oldest cliché on the planet, but why have the bleeders just to outsource them instantly to someone else?! Seriously, why?

FasterStronger · 17/05/2013 15:42

^Paid nannies? Usually women who are paid a much lower wage than career women like you.
What does that say about the importance of child care?^

it says nothing about its importance, it does say that more people can look after a child than do Xenia's job, hence her higher salary.

discotequewreck · 17/05/2013 15:46

I am not criticising WOHM. I just dispute Xenia's beligerent view that inequality for women can be solved if all women get out to work.

That all sahms are letting themselves and their children down.

Someone has to look after the children while the parents work don't they? The fact that it is usually low paid women says a lot about feminism and a society that values wealth above all else.

handcream · 17/05/2013 15:53

Whilst I do not necessarily believe you need to go back to work a few weeks after a baby is born (!!) Mumsnet is full of women (almost always) saying that they cannot get a part time or full time job because of gaps in their CV or stating that the partner has left them and they have been out of the marketplace for too long.

All of this is known. Choose to be a SAHM but please dont forget that it will be more difficult to go back to work if you have to. If you want to rely on your partner that's fine but in these days of high divorce rates, relationship break ups......

discotequewreck · 17/05/2013 15:53

'more people can look after a child than do Xenia's job'

This does say ample about it's importance. Teaching and nurturing children is not easy if done well but it doesn't make profit...

morethanpotatoprints · 17/05/2013 15:54

stepaway
Be careful you'll end up vilified eventually. Grin

I always wanted to be sahm too, although manage to get into a debate whether or not I am.
I don't think its for everyone, but if you want to you should be allowed to without prejudice. It's biological after all, men can't have babies yet.
That is not to suggest that men shouldn't pull their weight round the home, of course they should. If a man wants to be a sahp he should be allowed to without prejudice, although I think we are a long way from many men choosing to be a sahp.

Handcream
Just wondering, do you not have the option to sah?

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/05/2013 15:59

"SAHP do a job,a very valuable and worthwhile job.

If the wp had to pay staff to do what sahp do it would be a tidy sum.

Many wp wouldn't be able to do the job they do without the support and work that their parter does"

SAHP isnt a job, everyone with a child is a parent. You dont stop being one whilst you are at work or they are at school.

Apart from maybe childcare, what would WOHP have to pay for. They are likely to still do their own housework. Given recent debates on here SAHm believe they should purely entertain the children and the working partner should split the household jobs equally therefore no saving to the other adult.

A SAHP heavily replies on the support from the partner as they offload the financial resonsibility to them (or the state/combination) whereas working parents have seperate jobs. I can work without DHs support as he doesnt do my job for me Hmm

Being a good parent is a combination of many factors, being a SAHM doesnt automatically make you one just like working doesnt.

stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 16:02

being a good parent isn't about being sahm or wohp, but I'd say that someone who returns to work a couple of weeks after giv

soverylucky · 17/05/2013 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 17/05/2013 16:03

Handcream well then if we're giving out warnings as obviously all of us sahm are in precarious,shit relationships be careful that your childcare and lifestyle isn't damaging your children.Hmm

Would just like to point out too Hand as you seem obsessed if I did go back to work I'd pay zero tax,we'd get help with childcare from the taxpayer and dp would pay less tax as he'd have to get a less well payed job.That in turn would mean we got the CB we've just lost.

For me and millions like me working wouldn't benefit the tax payer in the slightest,quite the reverse.

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 17/05/2013 16:04

Sovery many families on 1 income are subsidising those earning the same split 2 ways soooooo.......

stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 16:05

a mother who returns to work a couple of weeks after giving birth, when there is no urgent financial requirement, might be a good parent, but not a very interested one. Especially in these days of generous maternity allowance. Even the self employed, of which I am one, can put aside work for a few months at least.

soverylucky · 17/05/2013 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 16:07

and working parents arn't immune to the effects of divorce.
Divorce fucks everyone over.
I earn a decent amount on a self employed basis, but it wouldn't be enough to run a house and life in the south east, as we do currently. We'd have to downsize considerably.

ihategeorgeosborne · 17/05/2013 16:07

I agree completely Blueskies. I've often said that if dh and I split work, we'd cost the tax payer more, as we'd pay less tax, get help with child care and keep 2.5k a year in child benefit. I'm not sure how this would be more beneficial to the tax payer, but hey, as long as I'm out there working, doing my bit for the solidarity of women right? Hmm

morethanpotatoprints · 17/05/2013 16:09

Soverylucky.

In fairness, to both sides. I don't think anybody expects to be funded but of course takes it if entitled /offered.
I don't expect to be funded at all, and took it just like many others have.

My decision to be a sahm was irrespective of support. It didn't exist apart from cb when my ds1 and 2 were born. Then one year I received a letter telling me to apply for Family Credit as we were entitled to it. I believe it was 1995 but can't be certain.

FasterStronger · 17/05/2013 16:09

Sovery many families on 1 income are subsidising those earning the same split 2 ways soooooo.......

yes high earners subsides low earners but that affects all working people in the uk so not relevant to WOH/SAH....

stepawayfromthescreen · 17/05/2013 16:10

just love the idea that if you work full time, you're fully protected in divorce! Perhaps if you earn well over 50k!
And obviously high earners will often get a lower award in divorce settlement. Sahm's sacrifice and lower income potential is usually considered when divorce settlements are finalised.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/05/2013 16:10

Soverylucky.

In fairness, to both sides. I don't think anybody expects to be funded but of course takes it if entitled /offered.
I don't expect to be funded at all, and took it just like many others have.

My decision to be a sahm was irrespective of support. It didn't exist apart from cb when my ds1 and 2 were born. Then one year I received a letter telling me to apply for Family Credit as we were entitled to it. I believe it was 1995 but can't be certain.

ihategeorgeosborne · 17/05/2013 16:11

In fact, I rather resent my husband's tax going to pay child benefit for families earning 80k a year, particularly since we are not entitled to claim it ourselves.