AIBU to not allow my child to go to a football parade on a week night during SATs week?

[TheDetective]

I'm being called all the names under the sun by my ex, and DS1 is sulking and barely speaking to me.

I just found out tonight that Ex DP is planning to take DS1 to watch the Man United parade on Monday night. It is 6-7.30pm, and is 25 miles from home.

Any other school night I'd be fine with this. But not during SATs week, which it is next week.

I've said he can't go. He's worked hard for these exams, his sets for high school depend on the outcome of them. I just want to do what is best for DS.

I've rang my mum, his headteacher, to ask her opinion in case I am being unreasonable. She is furious that ex thinks this is even a good idea.

This is his dads reply by text 'you too are pathetic when he rebels against you youve only yourself to blame'. And 'Like I said pathetic'. Followed by 'just wait promise you he will rebel he already can't wait to get out of mums school I will laugh my ass off'. Those are his exact words by the way, not my typos.

I want my son to do well. I hope I am not being unreasonable.

It's not like utd don't have a fucking parade every season is it??

YABU to ask on a public forum if YABU, then ignore, or argue with everyone who says you are - that is the overwhelming majority of replies.

I would let him go. It's a bit of social / cultural history for Manchester, the NW, and football generally. I'm not a Man Utd fan but I'd go if it were that local to me. Also, even if he can take it or leave it, it's important to his Dad, and for that reason he should go.

I assumed you meant he would be back at midnight at first, but it sounds like he will be home about the same time as my dd (also doing SATs) will be on both Monday and Tuesday nights after her activities. Not sure what the problem is

I also wondered why you asked if YABU, because clearly you don't think you are Op.

TheDicktective Sat 11-May-13 22:38:24
"I agree about SATs being a waste of time. A lot of exams are. But the point is, they are there, he has to do them unless he is ill so why not do your best in them?

I just want him to have a good attitude towards education. He needs an education in order to succeed in life."

Yes, but he doesn't have to have that attitude fully developed and ready at the age of 10. I'd say that the one attitude re learning he needs to have now is that finding things out is exciting. The rest will come later.

And I'm a university lecturer: a good deal of my life revolves around exams. Even so I'd say that even at undergraduate level, the ones who do best in exams are not usually the ones who are wholly focused on the exam, but the ones who have a generally open and interested attitude towards life. The ones who get a shock are the ones who arrive at university thinking education is all about doing well in exams: they find themselves up against students who have a wide range of life experiences, who take part in things around them, who read for fun and not just for results- and they can't compete.

Good post Cory.
I too am of the thought that 'education' is a lot wider than school tests. SATS are to assess where the child "is" in narrow curriculum areas, at the end of Yr6. They get to where they are by working in lesson time. Evenings, weekends and holidays are for broadening your horizons and having completely different experiences.

I'm a teacher, and I say let him go. You're not going to be doing anything to help his attitude to education by forcing him to miss things in life because of school. It's not a healthy attitude for anyone, child or adult. I often have to have the discussion with parents at school that they are pushing their children too hard. Usually when they come begging for more homework. No, send them out to play instead. Take them the beach/museum/footy/whatever. No one ever develops a healthy approach to education by being forced.

Instead, use the parade as a way of teaching your son how to negotiate his activities and priorities. Sit him down, and tell him that you understand that he wants to go to the parade, but that his exams are important, so how can you reach a compromise together. Perhaps he could offer to go to bed an hour earlier the night before, or to stay in on sunday afternoon and have some quiet time instead of running around with his mates. Let him make the decision about how he will fit all of his choices in and which ones are important. As adults we all have to do it. I stayed up late last night to get some marking done so I can go out to dinner tonight. Prioritising and compromising are very simply part of life. You've got a great opportunity here to teach your son valuable life lessons, but I fear your hatred of your ex is getting in the way.

Sensible post from MidniteScribbler- I agree with it as a teacher.

He's your Ex - you can't control him anymore. Let him parent the way he sees fit.

I think you're scared of what your Mum will say if you let him go.

I think all your reasons for saying no are totally flimsy and meaningless and It's ALL about your Mum.

I think it's rubbish you are making your din miss out on this. You say oh he's not that bothered about football anyway. Maybe he's starting to be, maybe he sees his Dad getting excited about it and wants to share it with him? Like most sons.

Stop worrying about your Mum and let your son have this. It's obviously very important to him.

I'd let him go on the proviso that they go for the beginning and are at the start of the route then leave. He'll need some downtime after tests all day anyway.

The big mistake your XH and DS have made is in informing you of their intentions.

They will be secretive from now on and share nothing with you. Is that what you want?

We actually can't tell whether he is a dickhead or not without knowing, verbatim, what you have said to him.

The tests are, what, an hour each morning for levels 3-5?
Do you seriously think he will be unable to manage that after going to bed a bit late?
TBH the way you come over, it wouldn't surprise me if he's completely wound up about the SATS already and won't be able to sleep anyway.

Excellent post from Midnite.

I think all you are doing is reinforcing the idea that you are the 'boring' one and your ex will love that.

I wouldn't.

It sets a bad precedence for future exam preparation.

Yes I'm a big one for education being wider than school work but sorry a football parade the first night of an exam week wouldn't be high on my list of priorities.

Say they get caught in traffic.

Sometimes as a parent you have to take unpopular decisions for the good of your child,this is one of them.

Your ex is a complete arse btw.

So his head teacher is your mum? Ah.

Let him go. He can be home by 8.30, in bed by 9.

And what's wrong with wanting to show off at school?

But some schools do use SATs for setting. And being in the wrong sets for even 6 weeks can be a very bad thing indeed. And even if they don't us them, doing the very best you can in any test is a good idea.

So yes, it is very silly to say that SATs aren't important, and it makes me cross when people do. Particularly when they seem to use them as a way of getting back at teachers.

But I think that a not particularly late night isn't going to make any difference, frankly.

They do. It use the SATs in isolation for setting.

Sorry iPad - they do not use SATs in isolation for setting.

They do at ds's school, exotic- they are set from day 1. Then reset after a term.

Seeing as 1/3rd of school opt out of SATs, I don't see what the bloody fuss is.

The information gleaned might be useful on day one of secondary school but it becomes apparent very quickly that SATs are usually over inflated to boost the primary schools in their own league tables.

CATS (Or similar) are usually performed within the first week, and set tweaking occurs very rapidly

www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/10005034/Headteachers-lack-of-faith-in-SATs-sees-pupils-face-barrage-of-tests.html

The only prob I see (and not read all the threads) is that the ex was fairly nasty and if ds goes he may use this in future to get his own way.
just saying!!
I agree about sats not being important to kids (have a thread about it) but I've been flamed in the past for dd having to prioritise her dancing over school which doesn't surprise me given this country's obsession with football.

The key phrase there, seeker, is that they are re set later.

I do the science setting. We use teacher assessed levels in science and the ones in English and Maths as a guide. but am very aware that it is a really bad idea to keep these in stone because of the way pupils change as they mature.

I don't use the CATs because we don't get those until the start of term and I need to set in the summer term before the kids have even joined. Cats can be used to add to the whole picture we are getting of the child through the first term.

Seeing as 1/3rd of school opt out of SATs, I don't see what the bloody fuss is.

What on earth do you mean? State schools do not 'opt' out of SATS - they are statutory, schools have absolutely no choice.

There was a boycott on 2010, in which schools had legal backing to boycott from the NAHT among other unions, but that's a very different thing, and very much a one off.

What a strange thing for a teacher to say!

I don't think any states school can opt out of SATs?

KS2 SATs only matter for the individual child wrt to setting future targets, I think? And good practice is to allow for targets to be revised along with sets.

Cross-posts. No, they cannot, they are a legal requirement.