AIBU to not allow my child to go to a football parade on a week night during SATs week?

[TheDetective]

I'm being called all the names under the sun by my ex, and DS1 is sulking and barely speaking to me.

I just found out tonight that Ex DP is planning to take DS1 to watch the Man United parade on Monday night. It is 6-7.30pm, and is 25 miles from home.

Any other school night I'd be fine with this. But not during SATs week, which it is next week.

I've said he can't go. He's worked hard for these exams, his sets for high school depend on the outcome of them. I just want to do what is best for DS.

I've rang my mum, his headteacher, to ask her opinion in case I am being unreasonable. She is furious that ex thinks this is even a good idea.

This is his dads reply by text 'you too are pathetic when he rebels against you youve only yourself to blame'. And 'Like I said pathetic'. Followed by 'just wait promise you he will rebel he already can't wait to get out of mums school I will laugh my ass off'. Those are his exact words by the way, not my typos.

I want my son to do well. I hope I am not being unreasonable.

It's not like utd don't have a fucking parade every season is it??

I don't think your ex should have spoken to you like he has.

Notwithstanding that, i do agree with him and OPs that there is a real risk here that your DS will simply just opt out of working

You cannot force someone to work hard or try their best. You need to engage with DS to make sure he understands the consequences and benefits of putting the hard work in.

But you and your mum also need to be honest with him so that he'll trust and listen to what you have to say. I know nothing about SATs. However, if it is the case that they are not as material as you seem to think, I agree with poster above who said you need to discuss and agree with him a workable way of letting him attend. The bargain is that he works hard and makes up the rest (and let's be honest, he's not a new born baby. He can manage a slightly later bedtime as a one off) if you let him go. Explain that you feel that if he puts the effort in, he'll do we'll in the exams and you are letting him go as a pre-reward for that. As he's growing up, you're trying to reach a middle ground with him. However, if he lets you down, you won't be able to do that in the future.

Separately, I don't really like how you seem to be rubbishing something that is important to his dad and to DS. My DS is only 5 months old and my DH is a huge sports fan. I don't think it would be very fair in the future for me to stop him taking DS to sporting events on the basis that DS isn't keen.....er, he won't be as he's never had the chance to go!

How keen in sport etc are you in your house? Has DS been genuinely exposed to it so you can say with surety what team he does or doesn't follow?

My DH was sports mad as a little boy but his parents weren't interested. It was only when he went to uni that he really go the chance to go to matches etc which I think is really sad. It really annoys me when MIL keeps saying now that it's so surprising that DH loves sport do much. that'll be because you never let him watch any when he was a little boy or took him to any games you selfish fuckers

I think the greatest educational mistake you can make as a parent is to let your child get the impression that ending up in a certain set, or doing badly in one exam, defines you forever.

Sets are flexible by their very nature. But they are only flexible insofar as the child's own attitude is flexible- and that attitude will to a great extent be determined by their parent.

If you decide that you are defined forever by one set of exam results then even the most encouraging and flexible teacher in the world can't help you.

It's not that working hard isn't something that should be taught. Of course it should. But teaching a young child that "you have to work hard because if you miss this one chance that's it" can end up terribly counterproductive.

I would let him go

They do at ds's school, exotic- they are set from day 1. Then reset after a term.

They are still reset. A term seems a rather long time to leave them in the wrong set. DS's primary had very close liaison with the secondary and I'm sure that teacher assessment goes a long way. e.g. they are going to say 'this DC had a fluke result in the SATs and is working at a much higher level'. I don't have much experience of secondary level but I know that in key stage 2 they like to make their own assessments and not go by key stage 1 tests-even if accurate they may have gone backwards over the long summer holiday.

I don't get the prediction at all. They have several years before GCSEs-what the DC got at 10 yrs (or 11yrs) isn't really relevant.

Exams don't matter to the DC until the GCSE's -then it is scary waiting for the results!

I've just a seen your post where you say you don't think you're BU in any event so my earlier post was as waste of time in any event.

However, how do you think this approach is going to "drill out" your DS's attitude? Is this advice your mum's giving you? If so, it seems counterintuitive.

The GCSE's are necessary for the 6th form and also predictions and UCAS forms. The results of the A'levels are vitally important for what you do next, university places, future job applications etc.
The SATs results do not matter. They are vitally important to the school-they are judged by them-by OFSTED, future parents, LEA, the community-therefore it is no wonder they drill them, want them in school with a good night's sleep-some even serve breakfast!

I also feel uncomfortable with the OP's decision that something can't be important because it matters to her ex but not to her.

I grew up in a family with terribly well defined views on what mattered (languages, humanities and classical music= good and worth making sacrifices for; natural sciences, modern music, animals= a useless waste of time) and I do feel it has limited me in life. There was endless support for the things that my family felt mattered, they would travel to the other end of the country to supply violin lessons with a maestro and take out a new mortgage to send us abroad, but nobody would even follow me down the road in the early morning hours to go beaver watching.

The result was that I never really felt I could let on how much these things mattered to me, because it made me feel awkward and undiscerning. So my mother would probably have said like the OP "oh she doesn't really care about those things, she just wants to be like her friends". My enthusiasm for dead languages and ancient history otoh was palpable because showing (my quite genuine) enthusiasm for those things did not make me feel awkward or wrong.

If the OP is anything like my mother, it is unlikely that she will get a straightforward impression from her son about what he really would like to do.

I took my son to the Wembley stadium tour at Easter. I think football is a useless waste of time as far as I am concerned. But frankly, when it comes to ds's life, that isn't very far. I still remember that I lived nextdoor to a beaver dam for 6 years and never saw a beaver because my family decided that couldn't possibly be something I really wanted to do. And I was not in a position to disabuse them.

Cory, excellent points.

Op feel sorry for your ds. He seems to have 3 parents here. You, your ex and his headmistress/gran.

You want to piss off your ex and please your mum.

This really can't be about totally meaningless SATS tests because that just wouldn't make sense.

The worst that would happen would be the ds would miss a couple of hours sleep the night before one exam.
Poor ds, it's a one off evening with his Dad, with Op determined to put obstacles in the way.

No - I think he's actually got 2 parents here - The OP and her DM. The ex seems to be treated like some kind of older brother who doesn't get an equal say and it's within the OP's exclusive gift as to when and where her ex can see DS with granny getting the final say.

I do understand that ex might be a massive childish cuntychops and there will be a lot of water under the bridge here. However, I do think that being overly inflexible here will lead to (a) DS disengaging due to feeling hard done by. A feeling that will probably be fostered by the ex and (2) ex going to court to get a formal contact order

Looking at the later end of the educational spectrum, I have come to the conclusion that the thing that matters most in university students (apart from brains, which you can't do a lot about) is flexibility and resilience. I get students who collapse and never recover because of a bad mark in the first semester- even though they know that first year marks don't count for their final degree. And others who fail their finals due to ill health or family breakdown and then come back and get a First.

Have you thought about what would happen if, as your ex points out, your ds 'rebels' because of your strict attitude and starts refusing to work or go to school at all in the future?

We've all seen it happen, kids are stopped from doing things by overly strict parents so they eventually just do them anyway. Respect goes out of the window and relationships break down. Think about how your future relationship with your son may be affected by decisions like this op.

Let him go. He'll thank you for it. He'll probably work harder in return.

Yabu , can't see reason not to let him go. It's not going to damage his school career. Also think we would do well to ensure our children are resilient, flexible and not completely regimented..

I can't even remember what mine got- I know DS2 got his level 4 in English because it was a worry with his dyslexia- beyond that I have never needed to think about it.

Just remembered how a few years ago my mother tried to persuade me to throw out my fishtanks (which I use to breed endangered species for conservation) to install a piano, because she wanted my life to be enriched and didn't think I could be happy without live music.

It took all my strength (as a 47yo!) to look my mother firmly in the eye and say: "No mother, this is what I want". No way I could have done it as a 10yo.

Her motives were the very best, bless her.

To answer about him rebelling when older, this is one time I've said no. It isn't like he gets told no all the time!

I'm not an over strict parent. I am just a normal parent trying to do the right thing for my children.

He has his own interests. He isn't one of those children who likes doing loads of activities. He does Scouts and he dances. Both of which are his choice. I've never pushed him in to anything.

My ex will never take me to court. He doesn't have that kind of interest sadly. When offered the choice who to live with DS just says his dad said he can't live with him or see him more often.

Yes my mum has helped me bring him up. She is an important part of his life and has been more actively involved than his dad has.

That isn't my choice. I work full time doing shifts. I asked my ex to have him 3 days a week. He wouldn't. My mum stepped in where he buffered off.

I also had parents who didn't say no a lot and didn't push me into doing things. But who had such very strong views on what was worth doing that I felt wrong about liking things they didn't. Even more so my brother who was into sports and pop music. It wasn't brilliant tbh: he grew up feeling there was something wrong with him and I grew up feeling I'd be fine as long as I only admitted to liking the things that got you bonus points.

I think the issue maybe that he can't or won't look after DS for 3 days a week as he sees that as time mandated by you on your terms (rightly or wrongly). However, what could very well get him high tailing it to a solicitor is the fact that he seems to have no agreed time that he can see DS and you have a total right of veto in terms of what they do together - including withholding access if you don't agree

He could very well ask the court to fix one day a week for him to see DS and to be allowed to carry out whatever activity he sees fit to do as long as it is reasonable. As you can see from most of the posts, most people do think what he is proposing is reasonable.

I think you need to pick your battles here carefully. I can completely understand why this is irritating given his previous behaviour. However, it must be best for DS to have a relationship with his father and I think that has to be the overarching principle in terms of contact, however personally irritating that is.

He dictates the day based on his shifts. Hence why he will never agree to a set day. It suits him this way. I've asked for a set day. I've asked for more notice of the day. I've asked that he pays maintenance on a set date via bank. I've asked him if he wants him in holidays/christmas/birthday. He won't do any of the above.

It's always his way.

But if he wants it that way he has to accept that sometimes I will say no to his demands.

He will never go to court no matter what. I know this about him.

He walked away after 8 years with nothing but his clothes and playstation. I have the house, car, and everything else.

He's a strange character.

He is 11 or rising 11.A 7.30 finish + 25 minute drive home is hardly late is it?I suspect your DS is being used as a pawn in the great 'pissing off your ex' stakes!

why is everyone on Mn so UPTIGHT about SATS - why do they acutally count?

I am not at all interested in my son's, i have no idea what day they on and wont be beating the door down for the result.
I presume they are next week

It's not a 25 minute drive. I've said that several times.

It's a 1hr train plus 25 min bus ride plus walking and wait times.

Then time to get him ready for bed and to sleep. It takes him forever just doing that.