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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow my child to go to a football parade on a week night during SATs week?

474 replies

TheDetective · 11/05/2013 19:28

I'm being called all the names under the sun by my ex, and DS1 is sulking and barely speaking to me.

I just found out tonight that Ex DP is planning to take DS1 to watch the Man United parade on Monday night. It is 6-7.30pm, and is 25 miles from home.

Any other school night I'd be fine with this. But not during SATs week, which it is next week.

I've said he can't go. He's worked hard for these exams, his sets for high school depend on the outcome of them. I just want to do what is best for DS.

I've rang my mum, his headteacher, to ask her opinion in case I am being unreasonable. She is furious that ex thinks this is even a good idea.

This is his dads reply by text 'you too are pathetic when he rebels against you youve only yourself to blame'. And 'Like I said pathetic'. Followed by 'just wait promise you he will rebel he already can't wait to get out of mums school I will laugh my ass off'. Those are his exact words by the way, not my typos.

I want my son to do well. I hope I am not being unreasonable.

It's not like utd don't have a fucking parade every season is it??

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/05/2013 22:38

The SATS results won't effect his GCSE grades though!

Picturesinthefirelight · 11/05/2013 22:38

But high schools rarely use Sats for sets.

Dd's school doesn't do data at all and several children go on to state secondaries each year.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 11/05/2013 22:39

YABU .

Seriously - your stressing your child about SATS ?!

Feenie · 11/05/2013 22:39

But they will affect which grade his teachers expect him to aim for.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 11/05/2013 22:39

No, they're probably not going to leave him in the wrong set: but why start out in it, if you needn't? And yes: GCSE predictions also use year 6 SATS, amongst other things.

Feenie · 11/05/2013 22:39

That said, I would probably let him go - it's only the SPAG!

ParadiseChick · 11/05/2013 22:40

Yabu

Let the poor boy go!

Feenie · 11/05/2013 22:41

Dd's school doesn't do data at all

Unless it's an independent school, it won't have any choice.

TheDicktective · 11/05/2013 22:41

No, I'm not stressing him, I'm just asking him to do his best?

He's not sat here working 24/7 on them. He's not chained to the chair revising.

I just want him to be well rested and prepared for next week. That's all. A cup and football team are not the priority to me!

exoticfruits · 11/05/2013 22:42

These things are not set in stone- they can make new predictions about grades, and it is what he gets that counts- not what he is predicted.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 11/05/2013 22:46

Yes, but what you are predicted matters quite a lot in terms of what is expected of you, IME!

Not that I am saying, y'know, if you don't let him go the he will be put in set 3 and predicted a d and his life will be in tatters. That would be silly. But I do think that a) OP is trying to do the right and responsible thing and b) it is complacent and arrogant and wrong when people go on about SATS being irrelevant and only for the school.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 11/05/2013 22:46

If you do let him go, I mean! Sorry.

TheDicktective · 11/05/2013 22:48

Thank you.

All I want to do is what is best for my DS.

Hummuschocolate · 11/05/2013 22:48

Do they really use SATS to predict GCSE outcomes, even though theres a whole 5 year gap!?

NonnoMum · 11/05/2013 22:55

OK - OP, I feel pretty ambivalent about football. BUT you want to keep DH in your son's life, and maybe the thing they bond over is football... Some parents aren't that interested in Parents' Eves etc etc but LET him parent in his way and you parent in yours...

NonnoMum · 11/05/2013 22:55

HAve you read Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby?

exoticfruits · 11/05/2013 22:56

A rough guide- of course they have to change their minds! DS1 came on in leaps and bounds in year 7- in maths he went from set 3to set 1 within 6 months- of course they had to change predictions.

cardibach · 11/05/2013 22:56

SATs are used to set the official target grade on which the school will be judged at GCSE, yes. It is nonsense, especially when pupils are crammed for SATs and not showing their genuine level of achievement. However, the official target will not influence a DC's teachers' view of their potential. They will judge that for themselves what with being, you know, education professionals...
I am a secondary English teacher.

AliceinSlumberland · 11/05/2013 22:57

Teaching your son that in order to 'do education' he has to sacrifice things he wants to do is not going to produce the attitude to learning you want. It's the same as saying you can't have your pudding until you've eaten your main, you imply that the main is a bad thing. Saying he can't go because of the sats implies to him that a. You think they are very important and b. he must sacrifice fun to do well. Whether that is how you see it or not, as someone with a degree in ed psych, please let me tell you, this is absolutely not the way to produce a good attitude to learning!

If he has a 'cant be arsed' attitude already, the idea that he had to miss out for school is not going to improve that at all. You need to show him that learning is fun, not constantly hard work, and if you value your sons education then you should be doing everything you can to avoid him having a negative attitude towards school. I'm begging you please reconsider, you are doing the opposite of what you are intending through the implication that you cannot have fun whilst in education.

He won't remember his sats, but he may remember the time he missed the parade for his sats, and have a negative attitude towards exams as a result. Please reconsider.

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2013 23:02

Getting to bed a bit late after spending a great evening with his Dad isn't necessarily going to stop him from doing his best.

Anyway, how do you know that being forced to stay home while his Dad gets to enjoy the parade isn't going to piss him off so much it affects his ability to concentrate?

Being over strict about these things can backfire massively and put kids off school/trying their best. I hope this doesn't end up being the case.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 11/05/2013 23:04

Exactly getting a cup is not a priority for YOU ...
What really truly is in your sons best interests from a wellbeing point of view.

exoticfruits · 11/05/2013 23:06

I would have thought that if he went he would be out to prove it made no difference to his results, but if he is resentful he is hardly likely to do his best.

pointythings · 11/05/2013 23:07

DD1 has had her grade expectations in maths and English adjusted twice this year (upwards both times) so I'm thinking there is plenty of flexibility in setting targets after SATs.

And I do totally get you OP - yes, you are stuck with the hard work part of parenting whilst your exH gets to swan in and spoil your DS and not do any of the tough stuff. I totally get that. It's bloody unfair, so many of my divorced friends have to put up with being 'Mummy who always says no' whilst Dad gets to live the bachelor lifestyle and be 'Fun Dad' when it blinking well suits him.

But on this particular and pretty damn unique occasion I still think YABU. It's a special year. This one event is not going to set his attitude to education in stone, only you can do that. It's utterly shit that your exH is hindering that, but I really think you need to be more flexible here. As Feenie says, it's only the SPAG, for which your DS is being used as a guinea pig. And if he doesn't know his adverbs from his prepositions by now, one night out is not going to change that.

Picturesinthefirelight · 11/05/2013 23:10

It is independent. But not all children go on to Indy secondaries.

Dd is in year 6 and will be spending all day tomorrow in show rehearsals.

landofsoapandglory · 11/05/2013 23:12

Our school use the Fisher Family Trust to predict GCSE grades. However, the predictions do alter throughout years 10 and 11.