AIBU to not allow my child to go to a football parade on a week night during SATs week?

[TheDetective]

I'm being called all the names under the sun by my ex, and DS1 is sulking and barely speaking to me.

I just found out tonight that Ex DP is planning to take DS1 to watch the Man United parade on Monday night. It is 6-7.30pm, and is 25 miles from home.

Any other school night I'd be fine with this. But not during SATs week, which it is next week.

I've said he can't go. He's worked hard for these exams, his sets for high school depend on the outcome of them. I just want to do what is best for DS.

I've rang my mum, his headteacher, to ask her opinion in case I am being unreasonable. She is furious that ex thinks this is even a good idea.

This is his dads reply by text 'you too are pathetic when he rebels against you youve only yourself to blame'. And 'Like I said pathetic'. Followed by 'just wait promise you he will rebel he already can't wait to get out of mums school I will laugh my ass off'. Those are his exact words by the way, not my typos.

I want my son to do well. I hope I am not being unreasonable.

It's not like utd don't have a fucking parade every season is it??

OP I think you sound like a lovely parent who is trying to do the right thing by your son. Your ex is probably trying to do the right thing for his son in his style. (He is out of order being rude to you though). Regardless of WHAT the event is, sometimes you have to give a little to get the moral high ground. You could say something to your son and XP along the lines of - I've been having a think, and although education is hugely important, if DS has a quiet week and early nights the rest of the week, I could consider letting you have some Dad/son time at the parade if you GUARANTEE to be in by 10...

Might score you some points too!

YANBU

I think you need to stop being so controlling. I know you don't see it that way, but that is exactly how it sounds.

Is there a power struggle going on with you and your ex generally? There just seems to be a lot of hostility.

No, no power struggle. He never normally tells me what he is doing with DS, and I don't ask. DS will tell me after and I silently feel annoyed that he has done something inappropriate. But it takes a lot to get me to say anything. The 18 DVD's was one. The leaving him alone with a dog that had bitten him once already was another one.

I know I am being controlling, I don't see that as an issue. I am controlling the fact that I don't want DS going somewhere I feel is inappropriate. Any parent with what they believe to be their childs best interest at heart would be controlling.

My dd is going and she has SAT's next week. She is also sitting the level 6 papers.

Its isn't clear though why you feel its inappropriate. Its like saying my child might be a bit tired if they have a late night before an Ofsted inspection so they can't go out.

OP, it feels as if you and your ex are both guilty of using your DS to beat each other up with. That's very .

Yabvu he is ten and this will be a fabulous event for him to go to with his dad.

SATs are totally irrelevant in the big scheme of things, ,my ds2 is taking them next week as well and I have told him as much. I have said he should try his best as he should do every day at school but I wouldn't make him miss out on a treat because its SATs week.

If your ex can't see your D's Amy other night this week'ot also seems mean to make him miss seeimg his dad for a week as well. So he isn't a great dad iyo but he still deserves to have a relationship with his dad.

It is an issue, OP. :(

It's so sad that you're not able to see the value in this for your DS, and you think the most pointless part of the pointless sats (which probably won't be affected anyway) is more important than your DS having the evening out with his dad.

I gather since you control which nights your ex has your DS, this is not actually an issue of your ex just wanting to go and dragging your DS with him because he was there. It sounds like something he really wants to share with his DS.

I suspect you thought everyone would come out with a rallying cry of yanbu, so I'm sorry if you've been disappointed.

I really hope you are able to reconsider this, but I think it's likely you won't.

You're being horrible to your son. His father, who sounds a dick, wants to do something he sees as special with him and you're putting so many obstacles in his way because you don't like him.

Your name change seems perfectly appropriate.

How so pointy?

His dad doesn't pay much interest in anything about DS other than actually seeing him. He doesn't do his homework with him, or take any interest in parents evenings, reports, extra activities DS does etc.

Everything is left to me.

I don't talk to his dad other than a text saying 'can I have DS on X day' and I reply yes.

I had to force him to come to parents evening this year as DS was making no effort and being cheeky in class. I wanted him on board. Ex thought it was funny.

DS doesn't have 2 parents working together unfortunately. I tried, but it is easier to make all the decisions myself, and ex is happy with it that way it seems.

When I say I don't talk to him - he doesn't talk to me, so I gave up trying. It's been 4.5 years.

Ex didn't want anything to do with making a decision over high schools. He literally pays no interest in actually bringing a child up.

But he is taking an interest.
He want's to take him to the parade.
It's you that's putting your foot down.

YANBU to be unhappy about it, and I can't believe how unpleasant some posters are being. I'd be a bit unhappy about this on any school night, but it's really not great in SATS week and your ex shouldn't be being so vile to you.

Whatever anyone feels about SATS, it is certainly true that many secondary schools will indeed base their setting on them, at least initially. I have thoughts about SATS in the wider picture, but I knew set 1 in year 7 needed a level 5 at SATS, and so I did certainly care about dd getting one if she could.

You're not being nasty and you're not being unreasonable: I don't necessarily know what the right thing for you to do here is going to be, but if you do change tack, remember that your motivation and reasons were perfectly fair.

He takes an interest in the fun stuff. Not the boring parenting stuff. You know, the important decisions, doing what is best for DS etc.

Interesting name change, op!

I wanted to change it months ago, for a joke penis jokes. But it wouldn't change. MN have just fixed it for me, so I was checking it worked. It does .

Our school isn't doing the exams the day after because they are not stupid!

They don't have a choice, smudging - they have to do them on the day set, it's a statutory requirement.

YABU

My DS is in year 9.

When he was in year 6, his Primary school was one of many who boycotted the SATs in protest at the fact they're a waste of time and completely irrelevant.

He still ended up in exactly the right sets for his ability. Other kids who took the SATs at their Primary schools were moved about after the first half term, into sets that suited them.

This is normal. Schools don't need SATs results in order to know where the child should be.

A decent parent would have said to you 'look, I'm thinking about taking ds to this, but it's on a school night: what do you think? Are you ok with this?'. They would not go ahead and sort it and then make you feel shit for not wanting ds to do it.

It's all very well saying the tests are for the school not the child, but it's the child's sets next year, not the school's. A lot of arrogant complacency surrounds some people's notions about SATS, I think.

Secondary schools are also obliged to set GCSE targets from SAT results and are judged on whether students attain them. It's ridiculous to say they aren't about the child - you can't get much more about the child than that!

They are not going to leave him in the wrong set- it is only a rough guide anyway.

Btw, I'm a secondary teacher and I would let him go. Although the SATS set him up for secondary, he will thrive there regardless.

But this does seem to have much more to do with access arrangements and I can understand it must be tough.

I agree about SATs being a waste of time. A lot of exams are. But the point is, they are there, he has to do them unless he is ill so why not do your best in them?

I just want him to have a good attitude towards education. He needs an education in order to succeed in life.