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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow my child to go to a football parade on a week night during SATs week?

474 replies

TheDetective · 11/05/2013 19:28

I'm being called all the names under the sun by my ex, and DS1 is sulking and barely speaking to me.

I just found out tonight that Ex DP is planning to take DS1 to watch the Man United parade on Monday night. It is 6-7.30pm, and is 25 miles from home.

Any other school night I'd be fine with this. But not during SATs week, which it is next week.

I've said he can't go. He's worked hard for these exams, his sets for high school depend on the outcome of them. I just want to do what is best for DS.

I've rang my mum, his headteacher, to ask her opinion in case I am being unreasonable. She is furious that ex thinks this is even a good idea.

This is his dads reply by text 'you too are pathetic when he rebels against you youve only yourself to blame'. And 'Like I said pathetic'. Followed by 'just wait promise you he will rebel he already can't wait to get out of mums school I will laugh my ass off'. Those are his exact words by the way, not my typos.

I want my son to do well. I hope I am not being unreasonable.

It's not like utd don't have a fucking parade every season is it??

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 11/05/2013 21:18

Well you asked if you were being unreasonable, you have been told by an overwhelming majority that yes, you were. It's fine that you won't accept this, but I do wonder why people even want to garner opinions if they aren't willing to be open minded.

I will say that I think you have made a very poor decision.

SauvignonBlanche · 11/05/2013 21:18

I feel sorry for your DS. Sad
Can't stay up 30 mins late, having fun, just because of stupid bloody SATS!

Original poster
TheDetective · 11/05/2013 21:18

I wouldn't say constant sniping. I've given one other example of his style of parenting.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheDetective · 11/05/2013 21:21

Not the exam, but his education in general.

DS has the attitude of 'it'll do' and 'can't be arsed'.

He's in for a shock in high school!

OP posts:
Panzee · 11/05/2013 21:21

Listen to the poster way upthread that said it is only the grammar test the next day. It's not being levelled in that this year. Your son is being used to set next year's levels. He has no chance at a 4 or 5.

Goldmandra · 11/05/2013 21:22

I agree that it isn't special because it's football. It is a night out doing something different and exciting though.

I don't think OP's are obliged to change their mind just because posters decide they are being unreasonable are they? I would ask to find out what others thought out of interest and perhaps to take into account next time. It's not always a good idea to give a child what they want when they are sulking to get it.

I don't think you'd be sabotaging anything by allowing him to be in bed 30mins to an hour late on one night but I can see that you could feel you weren't being seen to be supporting your DM by allowing him to go.

You're clearly very flexible about contact and your ex sounds like he's an immature, unsupportive twunt. You just need to be very sure that you're making decisions for the right reasons because it would be very tempting to stoop to his level at times like this.

Wallison · 11/05/2013 21:22

SATs aren't about your DS's education though. They are about getting the school through OFSTED. He won't actually learn anything from doing these tests. So your decision doesn't have any bearing on his education.

He will have an enriching and memorable experience if he goes to the parade though, which is much more important.

Still, you'd obviously made your mind up already before you even started this thread.

Sirzy · 11/05/2013 21:22

And you think making him miss out on things is going to change his attitude?

He is a 10 year old boy, that attitude is perfectly normal!

jellybeans · 11/05/2013 21:22

I would definitely let him go, wouldn't bother me at all. Let him go, he can still work hard the rest of the week.

cantspel · 11/05/2013 21:23

But it will all be counter productive and he wont learn for the love of it and will just resent it even more if he already has the wrong attitude towards school.
You are hardly fostering an environment that teaches that education and learning is fun if all he seeing is you putting it above things he also wants to do.

Original poster
TheDetective · 11/05/2013 21:23

He will be 25 miles away from home and relying on trains and buses to get home. I can just see it ending in disaster quite frankly. They will have to leave straight from school, so it will be a long day for DS, and they don't know what time they will get home for sure.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/05/2013 21:24

If he gets tired he can sleep on the bus and train.

It seems like you are just looking for reasons not to let him go.

Original poster
TheDetective · 11/05/2013 21:25

He's already got over it now anyway, so I think he can't have been so bothered. He was fine about 15 minutes after I posted it.

He's sat here now laughing away and being his usual self.

OP posts:
jellybeans · 11/05/2013 21:25

'Ex wants to go, and because it is his night with DS, he is dragging him along. '

If it is his night though surely that is his choice? My DTs have SATS also and I won't be doing anything that differently..I wouldn't stop them going out, that isn't really a late time anyhow.

Original poster
TheDetective · 11/05/2013 21:25

Of course I would look for reasons he can't go. Otherwise I'd say he could go? That doesn't even make sense.

OP posts:
Hummuschocolate · 11/05/2013 21:26

You're not putting his education first you're putting the school's performance first, which is something completely different. In terms of attitude to education, its quite possible to value education and still enjoy other things in life. When I was doing my A Levels and and University exams I always made sure that I DIDN'T revise the night before and that I tried to have as much normality as I could around the exams whilst also being able to revise. Its tricky but cramming doesn't work and an important part of education and growing up is about learning to have balance in life. I have a 2:1 degree and I have no idea what I got in my SATs, I can barely remember my GCSEs to be honest Smile

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/05/2013 21:27

You will regret not letting him go.

Sirzy · 11/05/2013 21:27

But none of your reasons have any logic to them. You seem to be looking for problems that don't exisit and certainly don't seem to be thinking about your son.

Like I said before I hope his dad ignores you and takes him anyway. You still haven't answered why you feel you can dictate what he does when looking after his son.

SauvignonBlanche · 11/05/2013 21:28

"Twenty five miles" sounds pretty local to me, that's less than I drive to work everyday. Hmm

Viviennemary · 11/05/2013 21:29

Let him go. If you don't you are being a total spoilsport for no good reason.

Original poster
TheDetective · 11/05/2013 21:29

He isn't revising at home - he won't be doing any over the week, and is attending his usual activities. But I don't think going to something which happens every year several times 25 miles away, on public transport in the evening during SATs week is the best idea in the world.

Our town have just won the FA cup, if he wants to go to a good parade, our home town one will be just as good. As I say, he hasn't got a 'team'.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheDetective · 11/05/2013 21:30

I can dictate what he does by not letting him go. I never have, but I can do. He has no access arrangements. Everything is done ad hoc to suit him.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/05/2013 21:30

So we are taking Wigan to Manchester then. Thats a nothing trip!

Goldmandra · 11/05/2013 21:30

You still haven't answered why you feel you can dictate what he does when looking after his son.

I guess that's because the OP usually lets the ex choose which night he has their DS. She probably doesn't have to do that.

Original poster
TheDetective · 11/05/2013 21:30

25 miles isn't local at all! Local is in the same town or next town.

OP posts: