To not know how to stop nagging DP?

[PassMeTheWino]

I really wish I could stop doing this, but I genuinely dont know how.

For example, DP was holding our youngest whilst in the kitchen and I was washing up. DP was talking to him in a excited, animated way and I thought man he's loud! Turned round and saw that his face was right my DC's ear and poor DC was rearing away from the volume. I said (evenly) "You're a little loud."

Dp puts on dc's coat, twists his arm back to get the second arm in, DC howls. I say "stop! You're twisting his arm!"

DP was doing dinner and was handling a food DC is allergic too, I set up some hot soapy water and explain that for damage limitation, he needs to put his hands straight in the water and wash the offending item off so's not to spread it to other places. I look back to the kitchen and see that he puts down the offending item and starts opening all the cupboards, and does he wipe down all the handles afterwards? No. This exact scenario has happened twice, so its not a learning curve apparently.

Because of this, two things happen - he gets pissed off with me 'criticising' him. And in fact, I dont blame him. This happens several times a day.

Second of all, it means I nearly always think fuck it, I'll do it myself. It'll get done properly and I wont be called a nag.

So Ive had words with myself. I told myself to just let him do it, whats the worse that could happen? But I just couldnt stop by and watch my sons ears hurt from bellowing, his arm twisted and pained, and allergens wiped over places that dc touches which equals an itchy, swollen teary child.

This is 3 of many things.

How do I stop? I dont blame dp for getting pissed off, Im sick of the sound of my own voice, and its not like he hasnt had years of practice!

I have no idea but will wait with you because I'm guilty of this and I give myself a headache

Oh god, I do this too. I try not to, I can hear myself bitching at him. I don't know why I do it!

You need to pick your battles carefully. The handling food that DC are allergic to and not washing his hands is worth a "nag". Smaller things can be let go.

Same^

Don't use the word "nagging" for a start. It's never nagging if it's men doing the complaining. It's only nagging if a woman dares to. And why shouldn't you? If your DP is doing something wrong, you should be able to tell him without worrying about damaging his ego.

Sorry, meant same as Glitter and alien

Sometimes you just have to let them get on with it or they'll never learn for themselves. Hard but true!

Does your husband get pissed off with it?

Ive ended up being, dare I say it, controlling in many ways because its literally the only way it gets the job done. And its not like I havent tried to share the load, many, many, many times.

Marmalade, he is DP, not DC

I think he should stop doing the things which provoke you to nag him.

Adults shouldn't need to be continually told how to do basic stuff like looking after their children properly and ensuring they don't get allergic reactions.

You shouldn't have to nag. He should just be an adult.

Is it possible not to have food stuff in the house that DS is allergic to? Tbh you have to be that careful around I don't understand why you would buy it?

Im not sure my dc would agree that having their arm twisted painfully is a small thing.

The thing is, I do let stuff go. This something he scoffs at, thinks I like criticising him.

If only it were that simple Donkey. There are currently 3 food items in the whole world that he can eat right now. Yes, seriously.

Hmm picking your battles sounds like good advice. I do try and do that, rather than moaning about thr order laundry gets hung up..hmm.

He hates me doing it, especially if its about driving. I frequently have to ask him to slow down (doing 60mph in a 50 limit for example) but he just says I'm nagging and controlling

MarmaladeTwatkins But talking animatedly to your child is not doing something wrong, it's something good! Equally the howl with the arm mistake was enough information for the dad to know he was twisting the arm too much, it didn't need more.

Babying the dad and getting in the middle of the relationship isn't going to help, to me it's more likely to infantilise the entire family.

basil pretty much what happens. I do everything. Literally. He'll put the eldest to bed, to be fair. But thats about it.

He'll jump at the chance to help if I ask, he doesnt want to be doing nothing. But I stop asking because its too painful, I have to re do it, or tell him now to do it right.

Agree about pick the battles.

Also praise, praise, praise for everything that is good that he does. There is one theory that the good to bad ratio needs to be 7 :1 to be heard as equal.

That way your suggestions are less likely to be seen as negative and positive training does get through.

And can you make the comments suggestions or questions rather than negative comments or demands?

Lest this sounds smug, I ought to say that it has taken me 20 years to try to do this, but it is worth a try, as DH found me undermining and disempowering, and I had to do everything. He was/ us inept, but at least he tries.

Agree about 'nagging' as a word to demean a woman who is making a valid point. Hate it.

You can leave the room, but then the potentially dangerous/ damaging thing would continue. So you need to tell him.

The counselling woman told me that in order to stop criticising, and acting out, I should say

the facts
what you think
how you feel
what you want to happen

so she doesn't advocate that I just STFU about the stuff, just that I choose a way to talk about it that isn't snapping.

I don't know if it's going to work, but I've got to try to do it. Maybe this would help you too?

Saying "Youre a bit loud" is babying? Really?

As for the arm twisting, he carried on bending it awkwardly to get it in, unfortunately the howl wasnt enough to show him it was wrong.

Nah you're not nagging at all, its called constructive criticism, and you're mild compared to me haha
My dp can't do anything right (apparently). I go hell for leather over the slightest thing, I just can't help myself because some of the stuff he does is just plain stooopid. Falls on deaf ears though, doesn't stop me hehe

"He'll jump at the chance to help if I ask, he doesnt want to be doing nothing. But I stop asking because its too painful, I have to re do it, or tell him now to do it right"

Are your ideas of "right" fair ones though, or are they just your particular views, few things have an actualy right or wrong, people just have ideas they like to live to. It sounds like yours and your DH's are very different, and you're unwilling to accept that his rights are ever a valid way of doing it. Would a 3rd party always agree with your view on what's right? If not, then you need to learn to accept his "right" on some of these things.

I laughed then Marmalade, how do you praise an adult without being patronising? Genuine question, a sarcastic one.

Im imagining "you got DC's coat on him! Nice one!" Or "You washed your hands before you touched anything, good going!" As very patronising.

I knew someone would jump on that fred. Yes there is a right way and a wrong way to put a babys coat on, the wrong way hurts. The right way doesnt. Perfect example.

My approach to this problem - I want equal contribution in the house from both myself and DH more than I want things done my way. So I keep my mouth shut. Since the house isn't my sole responsibility I refuse to project manage it. DH reacts incredibly badly to being told what to do anyway, so it's better if I don't!

Yes, I find it frustrating sometimes when he does things differently to the way I would do them, but on the other hand I'm not perfect either so I appreciate him not telling me what to do in return...

*not a sarcastic one.

MarmaladeTwatkins
"Don't use the word "nagging" for a start. It's never nagging if it's men doing the complaining"

Yup, we should stop calling it nagging and think about what continual nagging is and give it its proper name.

BasilBabyEater
"I think he should stop doing the things which provoke you to nag him.
Adults shouldn't need to be continually told how to do basic stuff like looking after their children properly"

That really is highly offensive to those that come on here asking for help on how to parent their children, as everybody knows instinctively what to do.

In fact if that was really the case then this site wouldn't exist.