To not know how to stop nagging DP?

[PassMeTheWino]

I really wish I could stop doing this, but I genuinely dont know how.

For example, DP was holding our youngest whilst in the kitchen and I was washing up. DP was talking to him in a excited, animated way and I thought man he's loud! Turned round and saw that his face was right my DC's ear and poor DC was rearing away from the volume. I said (evenly) "You're a little loud."

Dp puts on dc's coat, twists his arm back to get the second arm in, DC howls. I say "stop! You're twisting his arm!"

DP was doing dinner and was handling a food DC is allergic too, I set up some hot soapy water and explain that for damage limitation, he needs to put his hands straight in the water and wash the offending item off so's not to spread it to other places. I look back to the kitchen and see that he puts down the offending item and starts opening all the cupboards, and does he wipe down all the handles afterwards? No. This exact scenario has happened twice, so its not a learning curve apparently.

Because of this, two things happen - he gets pissed off with me 'criticising' him. And in fact, I dont blame him. This happens several times a day.

Second of all, it means I nearly always think fuck it, I'll do it myself. It'll get done properly and I wont be called a nag.

So Ive had words with myself. I told myself to just let him do it, whats the worse that could happen? But I just couldnt stop by and watch my sons ears hurt from bellowing, his arm twisted and pained, and allergens wiped over places that dc touches which equals an itchy, swollen teary child.

This is 3 of many things.

How do I stop? I dont blame dp for getting pissed off, Im sick of the sound of my own voice, and its not like he hasnt had years of practice!

I do agree with Marmalade but...The amount of times I have to bite my tongue when DP does something wanky I am bloody surprised I still have one in my head.

I have somehow learnt to shut up as the sulky fallout is fucking more annoying.

I was a single parent for years. Was so much bloody easier.

PassMeTheWino And he was told by the childs reaction that he wasn't doing the proper one, he did not need your "nagging" (as you chose to call it) if you don't actually think what you're saying is wrong, why did you start the thread?

Imagine there's something he is Better or more knowledgeable than you - eg gardening, and it needs doing regularly, and some parts are boring. You want to help and get invoked and everything you do seems to be wrong and met with a "suggestion" of how you should do it.

Think about how you would respond to never feeling it is ever right.

How could those suggestions be more helpful and les annoying? Would less suggestions about key things be better?

Would you like to know what is right vs what is wrong?

There are things dh does that winds me up so much (hanging out washing) i can't bear to either nag or gnore so never ask him to do it. But the dishwasher is all his (and I never comment - even when he is wrong!)

But in the example you gave sorry I have no idea as you seem very reasonable to me. If he was being that loud I don't think I would have been as polite as you!

So you're saying you can't stop nagging him, but you are also saying he deserves it all.
Not sure what you want?

Fine, i'll bite... What is its proper name then, if not nagging?

Well actually BBJ if a poster came on here and continually asked how to do something and then continually came back every week asking the same question, s/he'd get pretty short shrift.

Nice try at an attack there.

OP

I don't think that you think you are nagging him. I think you are worried about how he parents - whether he picks up cues to keep the DCs safe.

I don't know the reality of the situation - ie whether your criticisms of him are unfounded and undermining, and are not balanced by any positivity, or whether he just objects to any sort of questioning and attacks by calling it "nagging"

I nag, but I stick to my tagline of if you did it the first time I asked I wouldnt need too

I must admit that my first reaction was to think that he must be a bit of a twerp if he hurts his child by shouting and arm-pulling.

it is frustrating to see things done wrong especially so when it could hurt or make one of the dcs ill it would drive me demented. my nagging is more hey did the bin suddenly become the kitchen side nah didn't think so. bloody manchild

I at me evenly saying he was being loud was 'babying'. I found that a very strange thing to say.

And I explained that he he didnt take the babys howl as cue, and I had to step in.

Fred your post was rather unpleasant wasnt it? Did you mean it to sound that way? Arf

Yes I guess my issue in the OP is how do I stop nagging him when I believe these things need pointing out.

Does that really deserve a short shrift? If so then I guess this thread is done and dusted.

Jamie he wasnt shouting.

Why is it only nagging when women do it, alien? What would you call it if a man was complaining? Not nagging, I'd bet...

It's an effective way of shutting down women when they're not happy with something. No woman wants to be a "nag". It's a good one for men to level at us. There is no male equivalent.

Pass

Don't go. We are just trying to see it from his side.

You asked how to stop nagging but it sounds like actually you feel a bit worried about how he handles the baby

X post

I was referring to him speaking loudly in the baby's ear, not shouting in anger. Sorry

No I don't mean you deserve short shrift PassmetheWino.

I mean that your DH deserves short shrift for not picking up how to parent without you having to "nag" him.

FWIW I think this is a well-worn technique to ensure that you do everything because it's quicker, easier and causes less conflict. Lots of people use it in all walks of life - just keep doing something so incompetently that no-one asks them to ever do it again.

I find it weird that you think you should stop 'nagging' DP when he is a) hurting the baby; b) screaming loudly in the house; or c) putting your child at risk of an allergic reaction.

I think these are perfectly good reasons for him to have it pointed out to him, but my reaction would be a) can't you see you're hurting him?; b) shut up bears breath!; c) you need to wash your hands. How many times do I have to remind you?

Hanging the washing out in your preferred pattern or stacking the dishwasher the right way - or even changing the bed once a week instead of a fortnight are not worth falling out over. The other three examples, IMO, are. It sounds like you are trying to be over-considerate as he is not considerate at all.

I got the wrong end of several sticks there didnt I? Apologies!

Basil I'm pretty sure he doesnt do stuff badly deliberately.

Although I am noticing that we are falling quite into the trap of it being all on my shoulders, for example we were going out the other day for an afternoon out. He put his shoes on and sauntered out the door all "Im alright Jack" whilst I was putting the babys coat on, getting his shoes, packing his toys, getting my bag, packing snacks, bagging up the babies meds, getting the eldests DS, asking him to getnhis scooter, getting the sun cream, asking the eldest if he needed a wee before we went, getting my own hoody together, my shoes on, stopping the baby escaping out the door, getting the buggy out the car, setting it up, plugging the baby in, then I look up and he's waiting at the end of the drive like a fairy had done all this.

Honestly, he has no idea.

Re the gender thing

If my dh went on and on about something I woul tell him to stop nagging me

It isn't a gendered word IMO

I don't thing the examples in the op fit my definition of nagging really

""Adults shouldn't need to be continually told how to do basic stuff like looking after their children properly"

That really is highly offensive to those that come on here asking for help on how to parent their children, as everybody knows instinctively what to do. "

There's parenting advice as given on MN like "try a sticker chat for pooty training" and needing to be told "don't hurt your child by pulling his arm like that" or "don't be so loud next to your child's ears to the extent that the child is physically uncomfortable".

I don't understand what can be done here. Either continue to allow a man to potentially injure your child or cause what sounds like it could be a serious allergic reaction, or be so worried about "pissing off" your partner and brusing his ego that you end up doing everything yourself for an easy life.

When doing everything yourself gives you the easy life maybe you'd be better off by yourself?

(side note, interesting question Marmalade, re: what would you call nagging if it was done by a man to a woman. I'd be tempted to say emotional abuse, constant putting down of partners actions, implying what they have done wasn't up to standard, belittling of efforts)

He wasnt screaming loudly round the house! Good lord, people take a lot from 'talking excitedly and animated' dont then!

He is sounding better and better.

I agree joining if DP was going on at me, Id tell him to stop nagging me.

Ive never considered nagging as a gendered thing, nagging is just nagging no matter who is doing it.

He does do a lot. BUT More and more we are falling into the trap of me doing it for an easy life.

Ive made him sound terrible, but he's not. We're going through a terrible time with ill health, child in and out of hospital and we are having problems in our relationship but he is supportive and brilliant in other ways.

I think the arm thing sounds worse than it is, sometimes I accidentally scratch the children with my nail, or rather pull them into an outfit in a way that makes them go owww or overbrush their tangles in their hair causing them to scream momentarily 'mum, that hurt'- if my husband then weighed in with 'don't brush it like that' I would be really annoyed. I can also be quite loud, my husband would say 'don't be so loud' occasionally but if he did it every day I would be upset. i sometimes say a tactless thing, or say a joke we've been having all day, then one of the children takes offence (not often but it does happen). I don't need someone telling me I shouldn't have said it or I should handle the children differently.

The allergy thing is a real concern and I agree that intervention is really necessary there.

What happens if you are not there, go out for the day, go to work, and he's in charge? My husband parents fine without me there and I find it a bit odd you really think him so incompetent you need to constantly intervene- if you really think he's that bad, would you ever leave him in sole care?

If he was deliberately nasty, it's different, but I don't get that impression although I wasn't there so can't see how bad these things were.