To not know how to stop nagging DP?

[PassMeTheWino]

I really wish I could stop doing this, but I genuinely dont know how.

For example, DP was holding our youngest whilst in the kitchen and I was washing up. DP was talking to him in a excited, animated way and I thought man he's loud! Turned round and saw that his face was right my DC's ear and poor DC was rearing away from the volume. I said (evenly) "You're a little loud."

Dp puts on dc's coat, twists his arm back to get the second arm in, DC howls. I say "stop! You're twisting his arm!"

DP was doing dinner and was handling a food DC is allergic too, I set up some hot soapy water and explain that for damage limitation, he needs to put his hands straight in the water and wash the offending item off so's not to spread it to other places. I look back to the kitchen and see that he puts down the offending item and starts opening all the cupboards, and does he wipe down all the handles afterwards? No. This exact scenario has happened twice, so its not a learning curve apparently.

Because of this, two things happen - he gets pissed off with me 'criticising' him. And in fact, I dont blame him. This happens several times a day.

Second of all, it means I nearly always think fuck it, I'll do it myself. It'll get done properly and I wont be called a nag.

So Ive had words with myself. I told myself to just let him do it, whats the worse that could happen? But I just couldnt stop by and watch my sons ears hurt from bellowing, his arm twisted and pained, and allergens wiped over places that dc touches which equals an itchy, swollen teary child.

This is 3 of many things.

How do I stop? I dont blame dp for getting pissed off, Im sick of the sound of my own voice, and its not like he hasnt had years of practice!

I lied he doesnt do a lot.

I dont know why I said that. I was just defensive for hi for a minute.

This post makes me sound like a horrible mum, but I'm mostly pretty nice, honest! I'm just trying to make the point that whilst we all strive to be good parents, sometimes we do fail a bit around the edges, and whilst intervening for dangerous things is fine, I think constantly commenting on someone else's parenting is really draining for them, the odd remark fine.

OK, I'll back off.

I relate to this so much...and so do so many others that it makes me think (AGAIN) that we'd all be better off without them! We could ship them all off to stumble along live together and then ship em' back in for a shag some company once a week or so!

Lovely that would be.

Marmalade - I didn't mean that. Pp said 'call it by its proper name' - I was just wondering what she meant.

God no he doesnt have a nasty bone in his body.

Presumably, its all ok when Im not there. I mean, I dont know for sure because Im not there.

However, and this is mortifyingly embarrassing, if I go out I set things up so he has to do nothing thus not fuck things up.

I make sure theres no food to cook for lunch, I will sort out what they need and set it out all sorted. I will make sure the meds are to hand and other things. I will make sure ALL he has to do is concentrate on playing with the kids and concentrating on them.

Oh God I cant believe I just admitted that.

The ear thing I wouldn't let happen in our house either because on our honeymoon DH crept up behind me and made a "cuckoo" sound in my ear to scare me which has left me with tinnitus in that ear. So if I even caught him near our children's ears talking loudly I'd do more than nagging.

I always have to tell DH what to do and how to do something. He sometimes retaliates and doesn't listen but the job always ends up wrong, so he knows its best to listen to my advice. When it comes to dealing with the children's baths and bedtimes, I never butt in, and normally slink away in a quiet part of the house.

BoneyBackJefferson is the pp im referring to.

"I always have to tell DH what to do and how to do something."

Why? DP is a SAHD, I work out of the home, he's the primary caregiver but I don't need nagging or telling how to do something for DS and vice versa.

I cook breakfast for me and DS at 6am as I'm always up first then I wake DP, swan out and leave them to it. Recently DP had a word as he found my leaving the breakfast dishes on the side disrespectful, he asked me nicely not to do it, I will make sure I do not do it. I was ashamed of myself for just expecting him to pick up my mess, but I'll make damn sure he won't have to tell me twice.

Point out to him that if he did it right, you wouldn't need to remind him.

What kind of insensitive arse ignores a child twisting away from his shouting, or grimacing as their arm is twisted into a coat? Why is he paying so little attention to the needs of others that a third party has to step in and protect them?

"Stop nagging me!" should be met with "Stop deliberately getting it wrong all the time!"

Otherwise you can only assume that he really is that stupid...

From Op's recent post - maybe don't worry about the stuff you said to him - it needed saying

But maybe possibly you are both having a guard time at the moment and need to be kinder to yourselves and each other.

Sometimes a bit of kindness once the kids aren't there and it is less stressful, can go a long way xxx

He isnt an insensitive arse. He's just not perfect.

Im a moody bitch who shouts when things get on top of me. It doesnt make me an insensitive arse, it makes me human and imperfect.

Can I assume purple that you get everything right, all of the time?

Saidar I had to point that out to him and he did listen. Although unfortunately the apparent fairy still finds and washes his mug up when left on the side.

Saidar, he is Sahd and fou d you leaving breakfast dishes "disrespectful"? WTAF!

Sounds like you need to talk to him about what you both expect to happen.

portofino why WTAF?

Do you really eat your food and leave your dirty plates lying around for your partner to clean for you? Is that not what servants are for? Its a disrespectful assumption that muggings will clean the plate.

What will it stretch to, wet towels left on the floor, dirty clothes left lying around?

Its not ok.

Yep Port, just because I work outside of the home doesn't mean I shouldn't do my share in the home. How hard was it for me to scrape a bowl and give it a rinse before leaving it in the sink. I wouldn't like to wake up and have to come down to congealed porridge in a bowl just left wherever I was last. He's a SAHD not my servant. Like I said, I was ashamed of myself.

Ah, the mug fairy Pass . "He isnt an insensitive arse. He's just not perfect." No one is. I also emphathise with the feeling like a moody bitch. Have you had a sit down and chat about it all with him yet?

BasilBabyEater

"Well actually BBJ if a poster came on here and continually asked how to do something and then continually came back every week asking the same question, s/he'd get pretty short shrift.

Nice try at an attack there."

No attack at all, He is doing something and being continually told that its wrong to the extent that he doesn't do anything anymore.

Saidar, we have spoken yes. Today in fact, I got a bit shouty . I wasnt shouting at him, I was just loudly proclaiming that life was utterly shit at the moment, and Ive got far too much on my plate. I didnt point out that hes being crap at stuff and he needs to pull his finger out, but Im just really, really hoping that he takes that as a cue...

If you are the main carer then you have had so much more practice at handling children, and handling your particular child. So when your partner is doing stuff they're learning stuff you already know through doing it every day, many times a day. and the child is used to your way of working too.

Baby cries and he tries to comfort and baby doesn't calm so you take baby from him because you can settle baby quicker and who wants to listen to baby crying longer than necessary. And so it goes on.

So you are tired, you want a break, he steps in, he's not as practised, you give him pointers, he sighs, you do it because it's quicker, he steps back a bit, you complain he doesn't do enough, he tries to do more, he makes the same 'mistakes' you made when you first tried doing that particular task, you give him the benefit of your experience, he feels nagged, you'll just do it yourself, daddy is doing it wrong, not like mummy does it, wahhh, mum takes over, dad feels he can do nothing right.

Anyway what I think I want to say is pick your battles and let him do more even if it takes more time, the kids gripe a bit, he does it 'wrong' and you have to bite your tongue. He'll only get better with practice and he likes being told how to do it about as much as you would have/did if your MIL moved in after the birth and started following you around giving you the benefit of her experience.

Also I think men are a bit more rough and tumble with the kids than women. (science - studies show that adults are more rough and tumble with babies in blue babygros than pink babygros) they are socialised to be from early on.

Are you a SAHM Pass?

I have to admit when I'm working shifts it's easy to forget DP has had a full day too. I come home to a cooked dinner, a bathed child in his jammies and a fairly clean home.So easy to take that for granted. I'm not expected to do much other than pick up after myself and join in any jobs that are still to do.

We try to work on the basis that we should both have equal leisure time. I have to work on understanding DP has had a day or work too, albiet in the home and DP is working on understanding that bombarding me with questions or requests in the first 30 minutes of me coming home will be met by my snapping at him (my job involves high stress and shouty angry demanding people for 8 hours a day and switching off isn't easy).

It's taken a few shouting matches for us both to realise this and will still fuck it up every now and then.
We often have to step back and sit down with a cuppa later to work things through. Hopefully your DP will take his cue.

Yes it was an attack BBJ. To call me offensive and pretend that I'm criticising everyone who ever asked for help (and then listened to the advice and acted on it!) is an attack.

She keeps telling him he's doing it wrong, because er, he keeps doing it wrong. If he stopped doing it wrong, she'd stop telling him!

Passmethewino, you know that hoping someone will take a cue from you generally saying life is shit, is not really a good way to approach a problem don't you?

You need to state why life is shit and how he can help it not to be.

Oblique whingeing is not a good communication technique, sorry.

Waffly yes!! That is exactly it, just like you said! Wow that was a bit of an eye opener seeing it written down like that, thats really made me think.

Saida Yes I am a SAHM, thank you for your advice, Ive really appreciated seeing it from the other side.

BBE

He keeps doing it wrong because he never gets a chance to learn to do it right.
As for the "attack" if you feel that way then so be it.

Alien

Try calling it continually undermining someone until they have no confidence and have to walk on eggshells for fear of doing something anything wrong. What do you then get?

Doesn't sound like nagging to me. Sounds like you're trying really, really hard to not nag, but instead you're tying yourself up in knots trying to point out painful/dangerous stuff that he's doing to or re: your DC's, and he's getting angry at you because he's not the SuperParent he thinks he is and you've noticed.

I'm all for letting people parent in their own way, but not when it endangers children, and especially not when they have to be told multiple times. Because that comes across as not really caring that much.