To not know how to stop nagging DP?

[PassMeTheWino]

I really wish I could stop doing this, but I genuinely dont know how.

For example, DP was holding our youngest whilst in the kitchen and I was washing up. DP was talking to him in a excited, animated way and I thought man he's loud! Turned round and saw that his face was right my DC's ear and poor DC was rearing away from the volume. I said (evenly) "You're a little loud."

Dp puts on dc's coat, twists his arm back to get the second arm in, DC howls. I say "stop! You're twisting his arm!"

DP was doing dinner and was handling a food DC is allergic too, I set up some hot soapy water and explain that for damage limitation, he needs to put his hands straight in the water and wash the offending item off so's not to spread it to other places. I look back to the kitchen and see that he puts down the offending item and starts opening all the cupboards, and does he wipe down all the handles afterwards? No. This exact scenario has happened twice, so its not a learning curve apparently.

Because of this, two things happen - he gets pissed off with me 'criticising' him. And in fact, I dont blame him. This happens several times a day.

Second of all, it means I nearly always think fuck it, I'll do it myself. It'll get done properly and I wont be called a nag.

So Ive had words with myself. I told myself to just let him do it, whats the worse that could happen? But I just couldnt stop by and watch my sons ears hurt from bellowing, his arm twisted and pained, and allergens wiped over places that dc touches which equals an itchy, swollen teary child.

This is 3 of many things.

How do I stop? I dont blame dp for getting pissed off, Im sick of the sound of my own voice, and its not like he hasnt had years of practice!

basil unfortunately, he cannot help the shit stuff, its really, really crap stuff thats, I dont know, just huge, difficult life crap that you just got to get on with.

But you are right, I really shouldnt expect him to take any cue from that, for not only the reason you said but the fact that I was complaining about The Big Crap stuff, not the small things I need him to be better at. He isnt psychic, it'd be unfair of me to expect him to 'just know'.

You'll probably find that you will have fewer arguments, be able to share your responsibilities and be a happier partnership if you come across differently - there will be smarter ways to critisise without demeaning the other person. Im not sure what ways they are, but Im sure there are ways. A bit like a book Im reading called "how to talk to kids so they will listen"

I disagree that you shouldnt use the word nag, its not a gender specific word and I disagree that men cant be nags. For example in scenario 1 - you could divert to your son - "boy, daddy likes to talk loudly doesnt he?!" Being blamed and citisised all the time isnt fun and it will only serve to wear the other person down. Its obviously making you fee bad as well.

Id also say that you sound a bit controlling when you say when you go out with everything done for him so he cant put a foot wrong. Sorry if you think that is a critisism. Its a bit like when people at work say they dont like being micro managed by their supervisors. You need to let go sometimes to enable other people to prove themselves.

It is fair enough to ask how to help him hear you and take on board what you are saying.

Your current approach isn't working, so try some other approaches like visual cues. Like writing it down or sending a text (? not sure when that would be appropriate - maybe a text like 'We need to discuss what happened in the kitchen today when I asked you to wash your hands and you didn't.').

It does sound patronising, and it would be in some situations and people. But if the man's brain is wired so that auditory or social cues aren't picked as easily as written ones, sometimes you have to adapt even though it is a pita And really, your telling him over and over again obviously isn't working, and a child crying in pain is also not enough of a cue.

I have an allergic son and would be really worried if partner was not getting the seriousness of proper routines around this. I might be considering a serious sit down meeting with letters from the consultant in front of me, examples of what happened earlier, and putting the onus on him to say what he will do differently from now on, and then writing it down.

Sometimes, when messages are not getting through, I have found it necessary to have concrete consequences ready in my mind... like making him sleep in the spare room. I don't usually spell these out to him beforehand, but have them ready when promised changes fail to materialise.

Maybe this sounds like I treat my husband like a child but maybe that is our best workaround right now.

Don't we all? Go easy on yourself.

SAHPs are able to tell DP that if they don't do X Y or Z or do do A, B or C that child will scuff their knees or bump their head have a hissy fit because.......drum roll.........it happened to them at least once when they were looking after their child.

'DP, don't leave the new crawler in the kitchen unsupervised. She will climb in the cupboards and pull everything out'.

'How do you know that?'

'Because I had to put everything back in the cupboards 15 times this week so far'

Sorry Saidar. My dh and I BOTH work full time. He gets the breakfast dishes as I have a longer commute than him. He has more time to wash up/ load the dishwasher. I fail to see how it is disrpectful to leave a couple of plates on the side when you are rushing off to work.

BBJ - I don't know, that's why I asked

Maybe that's the way to go. 'Try not to do this. I did it and it did not go well'. That way it shows you make mistakes too. It's maybe more empathetic.

Yes, that is true, that IS how I know it'll go wrong because Ive made that mistake before, thats so true. He'd definitely take less offense to that.

Simlple but effective, thank you.

PasstheWino, if you speak to your dh in the rude and dismissive manner you addressed me on this thread, I can see why there might be an issue. You used the word "servant" with regards to clearing up, rather than viewing it as a division of labour

port its totally different if you both work. Of course that will happen now and then.

But if you leave dirty items out knowing your partners at home and they will tidy it for you is disrespectful.

And you saying "what the actual fuck?!" At someone is level and calm is it?

Can I assume purple that you get everything right, all of the time?

Bwahahahaha course not! But i know how to read body language enough not to make the other person uncomfortable. So if i were talking so loudly that the other person was twisting away, I'd moderate my own tone and volume. Etc.

I'm a moody bitch who shouts when things get on top of me.

Not surprising seeing as you appear to be doing 99% of the domestic chores, plus full on emotional support to all dc and your P. That's a lot of giving, when is it your turn to receive?

"When is it your time to receive" good question.

Port I fail to see how it is disrpectful to leave a couple of plates on the side when you are rushing off to work.

You both work full time. My DP and I do not. Different situations. In our house I'm the early riser and I make either porridge or a cooked breakfast, if I have time to do that I have time to scrape a plate and make sure that the kitchen my partner cleaned the day before isn't a mess before he even steps out of bed (he get's up early enough he's not lazy, I'm just up at dawn)

DP does the school run, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and I come home to dinner, homework done and very little needs doing on my return. Picking up after myself kind of pales in comparison to the work my partner puts into making the house a nice place for us all to live. I have it very easy at home.

It would be like you coming home from work and saying "Well I've been at work all day, you crack on with those dishes" even though your partner has been at work too. Even though just in a different place of work.

Feel like I'm hijacking now, maybe we need a thread about how homes are run and divisions of responsibilities. Would be an interesting topic.

OP I could have written your post about a year ago.

DH & I were stuck in a cycle where we were both unhappy. I felt I was nagging, disrespected etc. Under it all we loved each other but just needed the skills to get through a difficult time (new DC, huge lifestyle changes)

We went for counselling. I do really feel it has saved our marriage.

We both do things that upset the other still(less so) unintentionally, which I think is probably usual when living together. The difference is we now COMMUNICATE.

I try and explain why I feel upset and what would have made it better. DH realises I am not criticising him.

It's not about blame. It's about realizing you have different expectations. When you said about going out, yy! Could you say to DH, this is what you need to do and then trust him to do it. It may not be how you would do it but let him find his way.

The serious stuff, allergies etc sit down and calmly discuss it. Say you are not nagging but feel xxxx when dh does xxxxx because xxxx. The key is he may not agree, but needs to acknowledge what you feel is valid and try to act in a manner that achieves that if it is a reasonable ask.

We are still v much a work in progress but are much happier than before.

What does your DH think? Do you think counselling would be an option?

Hijack away Saidar, Im reading with interest and Ive had some excellent advice with my OP which Im very much takingn onboard. (Thanks everyone by the way!)

Honestly I would do all the things he normally fucks up, like the coat etc
take a calmer tone when you absolutely MUST comment (i.e the shouting)
and otherwise, if it doesn't matter quite so much, just bite your lip.

Twinkle yes definitely. Im seeking counselling myself first, I think I need it. Id like us both to have it too, but theres no one to look after the kids so I'm not really sure how we'd go about it but we'll cross that bridge when it comes to it.

I think its about having a bit of respect for your partner really. Think of someone who you really respect and how you'd speak to them.
there are ways of getting your point across or asking that dont sound naggy. I really wouldnt have said anything at all about being loud.
I would maybe have said "ooh careful his arm" but not gone on about it.
Not nagging doesnt mean not having dialogue. its just about working as a team. imagine a colleague keeping on exasperatedly correcting you. you'd hate them before long

You need a whole shift in attitude about his and your roles in parenting and housework.

II too had the attitude 'well I might as well do it myself' I was never a nagger though as I'm not a very verbal person but internally I had the annoyance (and the passive aggressive body language) and I ended up taking on most jobs to my detriment.

Then I go so worn out and tired I told dh he had to do more and we split the chores again and I made sure I had enough time for myself again and he does a lot more parenting now even though I'm a sahm and now it doesn't seem to bother me as much.

Sorry that is probably unhelpful.

But I am happy and less busy and worn out.

Also they only thing I would have commented on in your example was the allergies. Has he been involved in speaking with health professionals about minimising effect? Has he read info about it? You shouldn't have to be the one to educate him about it

"Of course that will happen now and then" um no. I have to leave the house before 8am with dd, and we get back at 6ish. Dh has a 5 min commute so he gets do dishes/ load dishwasher. It is not disrespectful it is fair division of labour. It would be disrespectful if I trashed the kitchen/ used a huge number of pans every morning.

How you getting on, OP?

This could be one of those cases where you "can't change others, you can only change yourself"...
So work on appreciating the fact that you have a partner - plenty of single mums out there; appreciating that he wants to do stuff - lots do far less; take risks with trusting him; trying not to worry if things aren't done right - very difficult with medical needs; acknowledging your own anxiety - understandable if there are medical needs to cope with but this is what is causing you to project a fear of what will happen if things are not done 'properly'; using humour instead of criticism; taking deep breaths and just mentally backing off. It's a sort of mental re-positioning of yourself in relation to the difficulty. In other words - ommmmm.
But I know how hard this is because my brother would fly into violent rages if I made any sort of comment or instruction on the rare occasions that he came to help with DTs... End result that he has been in their lives very little... But that's a thread in itself...
With my brother, there is an is an issue of low self esteem, which means he can't process criticism of any kind. Do you think that this could be a problem for your DP?