to ask how do you do it?

[catgirl1976]

DS wakes at 5am - 5:30am every day.

Then I have to go to work all day, then come home, feed him, play with him, bath him, put him to bed, tidy the house, do laundry, finish off some work, eat, get ready for work, maintain some semblance of a beauty regmine (and mean finding time to wash my hair or shave my legs, nothing intricate) and try to have some quality time with DH.

DS is amazing. He's worth every 5am start, but I am so tired today and have a busy day ahead. I do get a lie in on Sundays but it feels so far away today!

How do you cope with it? Any top tips?

Coffee is my good friend, but I'm considering swapping sweeteners for speed.

You will burn yourself out. If you don't have enough sleep and don't eat at reasonable times your body will let you down.

I am 26 weeks pg with dc2 me and dh work full time, three days a week I get up before 5. Dh and I work out who cooks dinner, cleans up etc and I'm normally in bed by 8. It's just the way it has to be. Our proper together time is on the weekend. We both spend our days off keeping on top of stuff.

He needs to support you better. It is not fair on you.

You've probably got it harder than a single mum! A single mum doesn't have an idle man child to look after and doesn't have to pay for unnecessary nursery fees!
Sorry to be harsh but why ask how people do it when you aren't willing to change your situation?
What purpose does your man child have? He cooks! Dear me!

Wow. If he has 3 days at home without DC then he HAS to start doing more housework. Is he working the other days?

I don't want to sound smug (though I know I might) but DP and I both work f/t and juggle the childcare around us and neither of us end up staying that late to do housework. Because we both pull our weight. Obviously as the DC get older it is easier to do housework with them as they find it fun, but even when they are younger you can get stuff done when they are around - do the washing up while they are eating next to you in their high chair, for example.

Your DH has to do more. Even an hour a day to sling in the laundry and run the hoover or duster around keeps on top of everything.

I don't often say this because I believe everyone's relationship is their own, but I'm not entirely seeing what you are getting out of having a DH around here. It sounds like you are doing everything yourself. Let alone not sharing the 5am wake ups when you are working!

... In how relationships work ... Is what I meant!

Surely, if you asked him to get up with DS on the days he was at nursery, there is absolutely no come back from that? And a cleaner?!?!?

I've got a manchild as well, which is hard because it takes the kiddy count to 4, but really?

I would have gone fucking supernova by now- that is just sooooooo not on.

catgirl

You know the answer. Come on now.

I get you're not ready to LTB, but why tiptoe around asking him to do more than he's doing? Cheerful is right, at the very least he should be getting up at 5.30 on the days DS is at nursery.

Why not push him to do this? What are you afraid he'll do? He's not going to leave.

You have already been ill because of this. Things need to drastically change.

Ok, and a more productive note that my last comment, here's how we manage the days to get things done and get some time off.

Luckily DD gets up after 7 so I get up before her, have a shower and warm her milk. If she's up, though, she sits and drinks her milk in the bathroom while I shower. Childproofing the bathroom has been a huge time saver, she can play while we get ready. I drop her off at childcare at 8 and DP picks her up at 4. He goes to the shop on the way home, gets in and maybe does a tiny bit of housework with her. She has dinner in the highchair while he washes up and tidies the kitchen from last night's dinner. I get in about 6.30 and do bath time and bedtime while he starts dinner. She's in bed before 8 so as DP is finishing the dinner I get mine and DD's clothes ready for the next day and make lunch boxes. Not long after 8 we have dinner. Sometimes there's odd bits of housework to do but not much, maybe 30 mins at the most. We spend time together until 10, 10.30 when we go to bed.

If anyone is in the house on their own they run the hoover around and steam the floors. Bathroom gets done sometimes while DD is in the bath (as in, I clean the toilet/sink etc) and other times when we are both in. Beds and laundry generally get done at the weekend as I find them easy to do with DD around, she thinks they are a great game.

We try and batch cook for DD's food, so for her lunches I just need to defrost something overnight. Don't really iron as I buy easy mix-and-match dresses and cardis for my work, and I buy DD cheap clothes (lets face it, they grow so quick and get them dirty anyway) so there's enough to easily get through a week for all of us.

I do get confused when people seem to have two hours of housework a day to do though, so I'm probably a slattern and don't do enough

Surely there's not much your DH needs to do if you have a cleaner? At the very, very least, if you are getting up at 5am - and I understand you might want to for time with your DS - then he needs to do any jobs you'd do in the evening, so you can eat at 8, watch a film and still be in bed by 11 at the latest.

Otherwise everyone else is right and you will just completely burn out.

I've read a few of OP's threads, and they are always exactly the same. She is running herself ragged, burning the candle at both ends, and her "D"H does next to nothing. And to top it all off, she pays for it all, and for nursery, for him to do absolutely sweet FA 3 days a week. In every thread she emphasises how much she loves her DS as if that means she shouldn't complain at having to parent on her own, as well as appease the Manchild (dinner at 10 pm? Then "quality time"? WTAF?) Go to bed, woman! In the kindest possible way, you remind me of the nice, normal girl that the most popular boy in school chose to be his girlfriend. And you couldn't believe your luck, so you put up with all sorts of shit, just to keep him. But it's 20 years on, and you're still doing it. And again, in the kindest possible way, you need to grow up, cos your son needs at least one parent. And at the moment, the behaviour being modelled in your home is not something to emulate.

Oh catgirl why are you putting up with this?

Like PP said...he won't leave, just at least tell him on the 3 days DS is at nursery, he must do the early start.

TBH you will make yourself ill, really ill, possibly have a breakdown, and then where the fuck would your Ds be with that sorry arsed excuse for a human taking care of his every need?

You have a cleaner in Tuesday, and the place is trashed by Wednesday?? When he's been at home all day? I'd throw the fucking computer games in the bin and him

Sorry to be harsh love.

I'd be tempted to stop doing anything for your DH. Do yours and your DS's laundry. Don't even go in to the room he uses for his PC/gaming, if he has one. Say you'd like dinner at 8, and if dinner isn't even started by then, make your own just for you.

He is doing nothing for you; don't do anything for him.

I know this probably isn't what you wanted from this thread but auntmargaret is right, you're just enabling him to continue to be a child. But he's not a child. if he doesn't want to help you, don't help him. And if you are giving him any money (I don't know the full background, but I'm not sure where he is getting any of 'his' money from) then don't give him any.

SAHP's should in no way get a 'wage' for what they do, but for 99% of couples the understanding is that one parent works and one stays at home because they believe that is the best set up for them. So one parent does the bulk of the housework and childcare, and the other has a salary-paying job. Jobs v childcare/housework are almost impossible to really compare in terms of who is doing the most, but time off is the easiest way to work things out. If you don't both have equal time off, then something is seriously wrong.

Sorry if I've got this totally wrong, Catgirl, but have you previously mentioned that your dh is depressed? If so, do you both feel he isn't up to an equal share of housework, early starts etc? I was just wondering as I can see how it's easy to get into a slump and finding the motivation to change is very hard - however, from personal experience I think it's demoralising to achieve so little day after day. I personally feelmuch better both physically and mentally on a day when I've done something productive even if it's just cleaning the bathroom or hoovering the house. If I have a day or two where I sit around wasting time on the internet, putting tv on for ds and not actually achieving anything I feel more tired and low in general. If your dh is wasting day after day doing nothing, getting nowhere whilst you race around being superwoman I can see how he might sink into a bit of a vicious cycle. So you might be doing him a favour as much as yourself if you force him to start pulling his weight a bit more.

And to echo previous posters - it's easy to be a 'great dad' if what you mean that is having a good rapport and lots of fun with your toddler - especially if you don't spend any time on boring chores! - but there is more to great parenting than that; namely setting your child a good example of taking responsibility, contributing to family life and treating others with love and respect. Your dh is not doing that.

Catgirl, this is the exact same thread you posted a few months ago. You are looking for an answer, any answer, that isn't "your H is a lazy, freeloading wankstain". The reason you keep posting the same thread is that there is no other answer.

Here are your options:

• make him behave like a caring human being/LTBJ

• change the way you live, e.g fuck off 'quality time', eat earlier, do less

• have a complete mental and physical breakdown.

Sorry for random J, that should be LTB obviously.

MrsOakensheild she can't get ready for work in the morning at 5am I assume because she's got the DS under her feet as "D"H is lying in bed.

Jelly is right, he will feel so much better once he starts accomplishing things.

When I wasn't doing much I just sort of drifted through the day aimlessly. It's no way to live, everyone needs structure. Get him on here and direct him to the FlyLady threads. He can change, I did! But he has to want to. And if he doesn't you either need to LTB or have a breakdown as Mexican says.

Did you want an only child? Or are you saying you can't imagine more just because you're doing abso-bloody everything? Is this the life you want?

Come on now, darlin! You're a lovely, intelligent woman. PULL HIM UP.

Great post MexicanHouseThief

I mean, it's very sad, but very accurate. 'Great' was perhaps not the right word.

Does you DH know how utterly exhausted you are OP? If so, why doesn't he care? I don't know how anybody could live like that.

He's a lazy arse who needs telling. Maybe even make a rota for him so he knows he needs to do X, Y and Z during the days he's on his own in the house although he shouldn't need one some men are just like children

The op is on a wind-up. Nobody lives like this, esp when you're making your own money. How can you look at him and have respect?

You would be less tired if you were on your own - just you, your son and the cleaner. Sod his crap cooking, he needs to cook himself in empathy for his wife. Why do you women on mumsnet love men like this?! Be better parents and kick these wusses who are teaching your children nothing but contempt for their mother. Don't kid yourself. You can do bad all byself, you don't need company.

Leaving aside your DH's contribution, there are 3 things you can do immediately:
Stop getting up so early - my dc are often awake at 5.30 but stay in their room. I might check if dirty nappy but otherwise they can amuse themselves for up to an hour. Tell her its still night and take back to bed if necessary.

1. Put your dc to bed earlier - 7pm at latest.
2. Eat earlier -8pm a latest and go to bed earlier yourself, unless you are Maggie you can't survive on 5 hours sleep a night. I am tucked up in bed by 10 most nights.

I work full time 24/7 shifts so does my DH, we have a very lively 11 month old DD too... I tell everyone who asks "how do you do it"..... red bull and chocolate!!!

Nothing much to add apart from LTB.

You say he is great with DS, but is he? What kind of example is he setting - that you can spend your day arsing about online, not helping out and treating someone you're SUPPOSED to love and respect with none of either. He's not great with DS - he's being a TERRIBLE parent.

How do you know he's not arsing about online a lot when he's "looking after" DS on the days he has him?

Ahhhhhh sorry, now I feel like Ive done 'Catgirls Monthly Rant about her Cocklodger DH' :(

Things have got a bit better since my last one.

Mind you, I had a breakdown and had 7 weeks off work, ended up on anti-ds and seeing a counsellor so they needed to.

DH now has DS 1 day a week instead of 2.

He now cooks dinner
He now doesn't drink 3 or 4 nights a week
He comes to bed earlier (it was 2am / 3am its now more like 12pm and at least twice a week he comes to bed at the same time as me.

Small steps but they are something. He went for a walk yesterday too which I was randomly really excited about (He is depressed - he never does stuff like that so it felt like a good step)

He has promised me he will go to his GP and take some action on his depression.

I will start having dinner earlier, I will start going to bed earlier and I will try putting DS to bed at 7pm (I just terrified he will then wake up at 4:30 instead of 5am.) I can't leave him in his room as he doesn't babble away to himself he howls and cries :(

I don't know that you should put DS to bed earlier, I think you are right and he might wake up earlier.

Your post is full of all the things you will do differently, what about your DH? Progress is great but it's not enough. When is he going to the GP? You are both dealing with depression now, how is it that you can get things sorted but he can't?

I don't know how you can live like this. He doesn't deserve how nice you patient you are being with him.