to ask how do you do it?

[catgirl1976]

DS wakes at 5am - 5:30am every day.

Then I have to go to work all day, then come home, feed him, play with him, bath him, put him to bed, tidy the house, do laundry, finish off some work, eat, get ready for work, maintain some semblance of a beauty regmine (and mean finding time to wash my hair or shave my legs, nothing intricate) and try to have some quality time with DH.

DS is amazing. He's worth every 5am start, but I am so tired today and have a busy day ahead. I do get a lie in on Sundays but it feels so far away today!


How do you cope with it? Any top tips?

Coffee is my good friend, but I'm considering swapping sweeteners for speed.

[tethersend]

You need to stop doing stuff.

Things will get really bad, but then he'll notice and either start pulling his weight or moaning about the state of the place.

If he does the latter, then LTBing is looking like a good plan

[christinarossetti]

Side-stepping any judgement on your relationship, it doesn't make sense to me that there's still cooking, laundry and anything but the most superficial basic tidying left to do by the time you get home, given that there is an adult at home during the day.

I also don't understand why with two adults in the house, one of whom has time to rest during the day, it's the one who works full-time who gets up early 6 days out of 7.

If your main issue is tiredness, the very least that needs to happen is that you take it in turns to get up with ds, or your dh does on each day that you're at work.

[Exhaustipated]

Cooking most nights is absolutely not pulling his weight IMO.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to mention this but I saw a previous thread of yours about your DH and I have to say I think at least half of your problem is that he doesn't pull his weight.

The rest is the exhausting life of having a toddler, which I really empathise with. Early mornings should get better as he gets older though.

BUT your DH should be doing his share of early monings and housework in the evenings - then you could get more sleep!

Also I don't think it is impossible to do basic housework whilst looking after one child - most people have to! The laundry would be an absolute minimum.

Pulling his weight means doing the same number of working hours as you (paid or unpaid) - is he anywhere close to this?

[catgirl1976]

I take my hat off to lone parents. DH might not do much but I don't know how people do it on their own. Even if he's rubbish round the house, he's great with DS which does take of some pressure. Am slightly in awe of people like couthy

I can't even contemplate having more than 1 DC, let alone more than 1 and doing it solo.

[CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs]

I will also add that I am disabled too.

I'm actually getting quite on your behalf.

Your DH doesn't seem to give a crap that his laziness is leaving you exhausted. That's quite twattish behaviour.

[meglet]

Quite simply, I don't do that! My XP didn't pull his weight so I got rid of him.

Now, I'm not one for being able to do all the housework with small people under my feet but even I can manage some dishwasher loading, general tidy up and laundry. The thorough tidying + deep cleaning should be done as a team.

Your DH is taking the piss.

[Exhaustipated]

X posts... I am staggered that, with your DS in nursery all day 3 days a week, he does no housework. And that you put up with it!

[BornInACrossFireHurricane]

Bloody hell catgirl- you are going to run yourself into the ground. Honestly, your DH is completely taking the piss. With having 3 days at home child free the absolute bulk of cleaning should be done. Instead he leaves you to struggle?

[christinarossetti]

The other way to tackle tiredness would be to go to bed earlier. Yes, it means that you don't get any down-time, but that could be easily remedied if your dh got up earlier.

[StuntGirl]

catgirl, you're not going to like the answer here but your husband needs to do more. Way more.

He can't clean with a toddler? Ok, I understand that. He has 3 days without a toddler to distract him. He needs to be cleaning more then.

You need to at the very least alternate these early mornings, or he needs to be doing the bulk of them. On the mornings you're up early you could perhaps chuck a load of laundry in, or fold some washing that had been left out to dry. Other than that just get yourself ready.

In the evening I assume you wash up and clean down the kitchen since he cooks, but you should not be doing the rest of that list.

Your husband is taking the piss and you are letting him. But then you know that.

[CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs]

Thing is, catgirl, it's not 'awe inspiring'. I never planned to have 4 DC's on my own, it's just ended up that way.

Partly because I don't put up with the lazy behaviour you are talking about!

The way I've found it is that actually, without my Ex here, I'm doing exactly the sane amount of work as I was before, actually, less, because I don't have another adult to pick up after!

I do what has to be done. If I can do it because I have to, then so can your DH. He is just CHOOSING not to. Which is out of order IMO. He's leaving all this work to you, whilst creating extra work by not even doing the basics whilst he is at home and you are out at work.

If he wasn't there, your DS would be at Nursery while you work - and the house would be staying TIDY!

He needs to pull his weight before the resentment starts pissing you off to the point where it destroys your relationship.

Was he like this before you had your DS?

[meglet]

Oh goodness, if he's at home 3 days on his own he can do the bulk of everything then.

[CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs]

WHAAAAAT?! Your DS is at Nursery 3 days a week whilst your DH is at home. WTF is he doing, contemplating his fucking navel?!

That is the height of bloody laziness on his behalf.

[scottishmummy]

my god stop being such a doormat.your dh is walking all over you.youre martyr mum
you skelp about full pace,and he's not contributing same input
I see you're aware but not ready to challenge this discrepancy.so you're left to suck it up.until you and he change

[Itsaboatjack]

At the very least you need to start taking it in turns who gets up in the morning. If you start getting an extra hour or two in bed every other day you'll start to feel better. Then start working on redistributing the housework more evenly.

[FoundAChopinLizt]

You can't carry on like this.

At risk of stating the obvious, if you want things to change, you have to change things. Not all at once, but gradually.

Start by going to bed earlier, tell your dh you're too exhausted to stay up. If he wants your company in the evening he can do some of the jobs you are doing when you get in.

Next switch to eating your evening meal earlier, your health is important, you wouldn't feed your dd three hours late after making her tidy her room. Be nice to yourself, especially if your dh is not.

To repeat, start by going to bed early tonight.

[purrpurr]

Catgirl, it sounds like your relationship with your DH isn't really on the table for discussion here, so I wanted to ask what your life looks like from a zoomed out perspective. The daily toil, incredibly long days, they sound SO tough, but what does your calendar for the month look like? Do you have any leisure activities at all built in for you? Any personal time? Any socialising - even if it's just a coffee and a slab of something calorific with a mate on a Saturday? Essentially, do you have any silver linings planned to keep you sane, and if not, could you? Then at least life will be marginally more fun, even though you'll still be shattered.

[MrsMangoBiscuit]

If I were in your DHs shoes, there's no way in hell I could leave my DH to run himself ragged while I played games, because I love and respect him. Your DH is taking the royal piss. He has 3 days off, to himself and does next to nothing. He could get the house clean and tidy, do all the laundry, and bulk cook meals for the week in that time, and still have hours and hours to piss about. That would leave you time in the evenings for looking after yourself, watching a film and eating together, and getting to bed earlier. He's putting his own wants over your needs. :(

[Exhaustipated]

I think maybe (from this thread and previous) you see your DH's behaviour as useless, but not in an utterly replusive way? You don't usually seem that angry.

But I don't think what he's doing is merely incompetent. I think it's absolutely horrible and completely disrespectful :(

[scottishmummy]

op you facilitate you h being a lazy shit by cooing what a great dad he is
you're ignoring his complete lack of input which massively suits him but kills you
you have two babies.the adult baby who'll never grow up.and your wee baby

[mezza123]

I've only briefly had early starts with 2.5 DS - I would recommend blackouts and possibly reducing his nap length, as recommended by the lady we're not allowed to mention on MN. been great for me!
Re the useless DH - would u consider a breakdown, or at least floods of tears one evening? I find letting DH know I can't cope is often helpful

[OrWellyAnn]

Your DH should be getting up with your child, not you. The rest you can thrash out over time, but that should be sorted, today!

[scottishmummy]

no,you don't need to revert to stereotypical female crying,breakdown to make point
this doesn't require dramatic display emotion.it requires a calm allocation of tasks
you both need to change ideas,he's lazy,but you don't seem minded to address it

[ThereGoesTheYear]

LTB

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

I've also read your threads before and they make me very sad. My sister has a similar attitude to you and it's very frustrating to see someone work themselves into the ground for no reason. What I wonder is - does your dh know how unhappy and tired you are? How would he react if instead of the quality time, you said that as you're exhausted and will be up at 5 you need an early night? If the fundamentals of your household arrangements aren't going to change, that's the only thing I can see that would marginally improve your life. The only other suggestion I have is to change/increase the cleaner's hours? But really, truly, honestly - does your husband actually understand what your life is like (I don't see how he couldn't but maybe he needs it spelling out calmly and factually) - and does he just not care? I'm very lazy about housework but I could never watch my husband struggle as you are struggling.