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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how do you do it?

294 replies

catgirl1976 · 08/05/2013 06:59

DS wakes at 5am - 5:30am every day.

Then I have to go to work all day, then come home, feed him, play with him, bath him, put him to bed, tidy the house, do laundry, finish off some work, eat, get ready for work, maintain some semblance of a beauty regmine (and mean finding time to wash my hair or shave my legs, nothing intricate) and try to have some quality time with DH.

DS is amazing. He's worth every 5am start, but I am so tired today and have a busy day ahead. I do get a lie in on Sundays but it feels so far away today!

How do you cope with it? Any top tips?

Coffee is my good friend, but I'm considering swapping sweeteners for speed.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 08/05/2013 14:09

nice and patient

FoundAChopinLizt · 08/05/2013 14:11

Catgirl

That sounds like a more positive attitude.

If you do all those things, you will feel better and have the mental clarity to make more changes.

Report back Grin

LibertineLover · 08/05/2013 14:12

So, his depression is his reason for his lameness, yet he still hasn't been to the GP to try and get better? Very handy.

Sorry catgirl I feel like I'm getting at you, but you seem so nice, and he ....doesn't :)

MrsOakenshield · 08/05/2013 14:36

if you can get yourself fed and to bed earlier I think that will help immensely. I personally think 7.30 is OK for your DS's bedtime as long as you eat straight away. So, if nothing else, task your H with getting the dinner ready for then.

Might I suggest that you stop posting in AIBU and start posting in relationships, or even mental health - I think you would get a lot of support and advice over there, and perhaps fewer abrasive opinions from people like me. Your H is depressed. YOU have had a breakdown. Not things to be taken lightly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2013 15:32

catgirl1976 I had an early waker so I feel your pain. We had the thread running in Sleep for a long time. Now, at 2.4 DD wakes after 7am every day so the pressure is off a bit.

However, the real issue is your DH. If DH came home from work, played with, bathed and put DD to bed, I would be doing the tidying/laundry while he did. You DH sits at home all day (when DC is not in the house) then presumably sits around while you work, look after DC and do housework in the evening. He may be very depressed but drinking and doing nothing is the worst possible thing he can do for this. No excuses, he has to get to the GP.

BTW you know people hassle you because you are a lovely poster and they want you to be happy, right? That's why I'm on here ranting.

Dahlen · 08/05/2013 15:44

I've obviously missed the history behind this, but what is it about your SH that makes you want to hold on to him so dearly? I can't see much of any merit. In your position I'd feel like I was having the piss taken out of me and my self-respect would disintegrate.

I don't mean that passive aggressively BTW. You obviously have strong reasons for wanting to stay together, I'd just like to know what they are. It might help me come up with some suggestions.

JackieTheFart · 08/05/2013 15:46

Catgirl, you sound so lovely. Ask DH to go to the GP, and write himself a schedule of things to do on a daily basis. Even if it's just 'Monday - ensure dishes loaded into dishwasher; Tuesday - put a load of washing on etc'

That's the only thing I can imagine right now, because what with your breakdown (and I'm sure you had pneumonia early this year as well) I would have had a screaming fit by now and thrown him out.

Dahlen · 08/05/2013 15:48

SH? DH obviously. Blush

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2013 15:52

Dahlen I thought that was on purpose. Shit Husband, maybe?

Pilgit · 08/05/2013 15:59

the depression angle; I can totally get that - I am bi-polar and when I am low it is really hard to get moving, housework is a real difficulty and everything is just too much like hard work. Jobs don't get started because they seem endless. However I also have a responsibility to my family to recognise it and deal with it. For example - getting to the doc/shrink when a downturn happens; employing my strategies for coping - my life is timetabled (washed and dressed by 9, tv off, radio 4 on) then there are rules - no tv back on before 4 (unless me and DD1 have planned a film afternoon) I have to get out if the house every day; some housework gets done everyday, only allowed on mumsnet before 9, after bed time or when feeding dd2 (now!) etc. I do believe that work/activity help relieve the symptoms and as the depressive it is my responsibility to minimise the impact on those I live with. But its also worth noting that my first visit to the docs was because my mum frogmarched me there and yanked my head out of the sand! That was 13 years ago and I thank her everyday for it (loathed her at the time!)

StuntGirl · 08/05/2013 17:16

If depression is his excuse then I have no sympathy until he starts doing something about it. And this is coming from someone who has previously suffered depression. It doesn't get better by itself, and he's dragging you all down with him while he fannys about. If you stepping away from him and stopping enabling him until he's ready to tackle his problems is what it takes then its what it takes.

sunnywindysunday · 08/05/2013 17:26

Sorry Catgirl, I was very harsh on you earlier. You seem like a really nice person, a bit like my sister.

You've had really good advice on here and I'm quite rubbish at giving it. Hope things continue to improve.

LadyintheRadiator · 08/05/2013 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crashdoll · 08/05/2013 18:01

LadyintheRadiator No need to be a complete bitch.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 08/05/2013 18:14

If I was in your position, Catgirl, I would be telling my Husband a few things.

  1. That he has a time limit of two weeks to go and see the GP about his depression.

  2. That he sticks with whatever treatment plan the GP gives him.

  3. That he starts doing his fair share - as he is a SAHD, that should actually be the majority of the housework.

  4. That if he is not working or studying, he looks after your DS while you are at work, which will save you money.

If he didn't meet these, I would seriously think about LTB.

Can I ask why you are now paying for another day at Nursery for your DS when his father is sitting at home scratching his arse? Because I really don't get that.

Write a list of what you get out of your relationship. An honest list. Wrote another list of what would need to change for you NOT to feel so exhausted.

And stick to it.

You need to tell him straight that this can't go on, and that you will have to reconsider your relationship if he can't show you the care that you deserve.

I have been there, where you are now, and I KNOW how soul destroyingly knackering it is. And I know that it took me a good long while before I realised that I couldn't go on like that, for my own health and sanity.

And I am two years down the line after LTB. The difference in my life has been huge, and tbh the majority of it has been for the better.

If you want to PM me, feel free!

(((Hugs)))

scottishmummy · 08/05/2013 18:31

ok you've clarified h has depression.has he seen gp for treatment?what was outcome?
you must encourage him see gp,his quality life is limited and you're struggling
he can ask bout medication,activity,community team.depression is a treatable illness

CheerfulYank · 08/05/2013 18:31

Pilgit is so right. When i had PND it was soooo helpful to keep myself to a schedule.

He will honestly feel much better if he does. How long is DS in nursery every day?

Thurlow · 08/05/2013 18:48

Couthy has some great suggestions.

Yes, if your husband is depressed then he is ill and he needs help and support.

But there does sadly come a point where, if he repeatedly won't accept that he needs help and he won't ask for that help, and it is making you ill too, that you need to think about yourself and your DS too.

Doing everything will give you another break down. By the sounds of it, honestly, at this point, if your DH wasn't around you would be in bed by 10pm and getting a decent night's sleep. And that is better than you have at the moment.

From the sounds of it, you have reached that point. Your DH needs to understand this.

Mumsyblouse · 08/05/2013 18:49

I'm sorry, I don't think your DH is serious about change whatsoever, he still drinks, he still spends the majority of the time on online gaming, he only does childcare one day a week, he watches you have a breakdown/be seriously ill and still can't get his arse to the doctors?

I have a very good friend who suffers with depression, and those times are terrible, but when she feels a bout coming on do you think she a) does all of the above b) goes to the doctors, pays for counselling, continues her ordinary life looking after her son even though she feels very down. Millions of women with PND or depression feel awful but still get up every day and care for their children and try to do at least a bit of housework. Single mums don't have the option- they just have to do it.

I'm sad for you that this is the 'better' version and that the only way yoou can cope with your husband is to take anti-d's yourself and risk your health, but that is the truth of the matter. I also wish for change for you, you sound lovely (if with a rather large blind-spot).

NotWilliamBoyd · 08/05/2013 19:12

Oh you sound so lovely and keen to make it all work, but honestly are you happy for your DS to grow up with this model of a relationship?

And how can your DH be great with your DS when he treats you like this? Where is the respect for you?

Exhaustipated · 08/05/2013 19:22

What mumsyblouse said.

I have had PND, there is absolutely no way that I - or my DH - would have let it go on untreated. Depression really really really affects everyone around you, and whilst the illness itself cannot be called 'selfish', refusing to have treatment whilst those around you pay a huge price is selfish and utterly disrespectful.

Whilst depressed, I have had to look after not one but two babies, and do housework, cook, shop, be there for my kids etc etc. It was extremely hard, but I did it so that my family didn't fall apart. I sought treatment quickly, slowly got better and DH supported me throughout.
If I had not sought any kind of treatment, relied on him to be the breadwinner, not done any housework, put our children in nursery unecessarily, and continued to do this whilst he had a breakdown, I think he would have been justified in leaving me. Not because I was depressed, but because I didn't even try to get better for the sake of my family.

Phew, sorry but this upsets me tbh. Good luck to you all, I really hope things get better for you.

scottishmummy · 08/05/2013 19:49

depression is treatable illness.but he needs to see gp,get treatment
erratic sleep,lack of routine,isolative behaviour symptomatic of depression
this is affecting you,him and eventually will be apparent to your child too

StuntGirl · 08/05/2013 19:52

"If I had not sought any kind of treatment, relied on him to be the breadwinner, not done any housework, put our children in nursery unecessarily, and continued to do this whilst he had a breakdown, I think he would have been justified in leaving me. Not because I was depressed, but because I didn't even try to get better for the sake of my family."

This is a very good description of your relationship as you've informed us all here. Does seeing it down like this make you realise how much things have to change? And by that I mean he has to change, not you.

Couthy gave some excellent advice upthread as well.

angeltattoo · 08/05/2013 19:55

I have read this, and your other threads. My response would be along the line of the one posted by a PP that mentions 'wankstain' so I won't add to the great advice already given.

I will add though, that my DH would never let our DD go to nursery 4 days per week whilst he dic nothing. In fact, my DH works and would love to be at home and spend time with his DD. Because he is a good Dad; a loving father who puts the needs of his child first, not a poor excuse of a father who, given he chance to raise his child, would choose to send his child to nursery.

This is not me nursery bashing, BTW, nurseries are great, and serve a purpose, but Catgirl, ask yourself, would you send DS to nursery 4 days per week if you were a SAhM? If the answer is no, then why should your DH?

scottishmummy · 08/05/2013 20:03

no.nursery isn't the issue.lets not digress into nursery.issue is seeking treatment
her h has an illness impacting upon sleep,daily routine,perhaps ability to adequately cope
actually nursery use is v responsible if her dh cant cope.what remain unaddressed is seeing gp