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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 'sod it' and just have a baby anyway?

374 replies

KentishWine · 07/05/2013 19:32

We have no money, we live in a shit flat and I'm about to start a new job. It's a dreadful time to even be thinking about having a baby. But I'm 36 and the proverbial clock has been ticking for the last year. Its so bloody loud it's driving me insane. Our financial/housing situation won't improve until I'm at least 40. Not an ideal time to start trying for a baby (especially as my DM had an early menopause at 43). I want to do it now!

After rent, bills, debts etc, DH and I have about £500 left over each month for everything else. There's no way I can afford to be a SAHM, we'll both have to work FT so FT childcare is our only choice. This costs £1200 a month (London). We're short by £700! As far as I can work out, we're not eligable for tax credits etc as DH is subject to immigration control until 2015 (I'm British, he's Brazillian). We are eligable for £20/month child benefit, but that wouldn't even touch the sides.

It makes me so sad that we're too poor for a baby. By the time we're not too poor, it's likely to be too late. AIBU to just get pregnant and hope for the best? What's the worst that could happen?

OP posts:
MrsHoarder · 07/05/2013 20:25

Cloverer I thought they had to be registered if they were paid, but am happy to hear that they don't have to be.

Nettee · 07/05/2013 20:26

The OP is talking about having her first baby at the age of 36. It is not like she is having her 6th at 25 and already living on benefits. I think it is very hard of people to say she should remain childless due to money.

You will find a way - how would you feel in your 50s if you hadn't had a family for money reasons.

Look closely at the new job's maternity policy though - some places only have a good package after 2 years employment.

mrspaddy · 07/05/2013 20:29

I think if you know you want a baby.. have a baby.. move out of London. Fertility does decline after 36 so why not just go for it. You will regret it I think if it is in your heart and you don't start a family. Best of luck.

Original poster
KentishWine · 07/05/2013 20:30

Thanks for all the supportive replies. I'm going to investigate childcare vouchers at my new work - although I doubt they participate at the mo. we'll also do the maths for DH being a SAHD. He'd love that! As long as we can get the childcare costs sorted we'll be ok. The 'stuff' thing (prams, baby bedroom items etc) aren't a big deal as we'll buy second hand, accept gifts or do without. DH grew up without any dedicated baby stuff - he nearly had a heart attack when I told him how much our friend's bugaboo cost!

OP posts:
bigkidsdidit · 07/05/2013 20:32

I'm astonished so many people are saying 'just go for it'. You have no way of paying for it nad might be caught in the gap between eligible for benefits and able to afford it.

It would be really crazy to have one now. what would you do in a year's time?

you could spend 6 month planning it; moving cities, looking into compressed hours, that sort of thing.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/05/2013 20:33

I wouldnt in your circumstances. If you truly want a child then get saving, take on second jobs and pay off your debt.

Babies cost money, maternity pay can be hard to survive on and childcare costs are high in london. Sheer madness to proceed knowing your salary wont stretch and that you cannot afford to not work.

Original poster
KentishWine · 07/05/2013 20:33

Netee - yes, that's another issue. The new job offers 12 weeks full maternity pay (or something like this) so DC would have go to daycare at around 3 months.

OP posts:
BearsInMotion · 07/05/2013 20:34

So people who aren't well off enough should not have babies, even if that means never having a family of their own? Nice.

RubyrooUK · 07/05/2013 20:35

Also, OP, where about do you live in London? My full time childcare is cheaper than 1200 per month; it's closer to 1000 and there are other options around here that are around 800 pounds. We live in London and yes, you can pay a lot for extremely expensive nurseries here but you can also find more reasonably priced options (with perfectly good Ofsted inspections) for a lot less.

Obviously it is all still expensive but a lot cheaper than you mentioned in your OP.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/05/2013 20:35

Yanbu. Have a baby...there are ways to make it work on a low income. I know!

bigkidsdidit · 07/05/2013 20:37

That's not what people are saying Bears. But the OP herself says she has no way of affording childcare, adn no way of affording giving up work. What could she do? All this 'you'll regret it if you don't' doesn't mean anything if you end up hvaing to give up work and live on £56 a week.

OP I left London to afford a second child and it has been great. I'd investigate that first.

Original poster
KentishWine · 07/05/2013 20:38

RubyRoo - I spent a really long time looking at nursery costs and all the ones near my home and my work cost around £1200/month. There were some more expensive ones too! I will look at others in different areas now though.

OP posts:
everlong · 07/05/2013 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curryeater · 07/05/2013 20:41

the people who are saying: I can't believe you are considering this.

  1. do you have children?
  2. how would you feel about being told you could never have children?

The OP works, her husband works, she has spent 16 years of her life (guessing) getting a career together. It is unbelievably brutal that people are saying working people shouldn't have children because their money doesn't go far enough.

OP, good luck.

TSSDNCOP · 07/05/2013 20:41

Do nursery fees stay fixed? Would you need to account for them going up? Also does your current £500 include food too? If so your further out than £700 I think.

FourLittleDudes · 07/05/2013 20:41

I would say just do it too.

When I had my first baby I was married, had a house, we both worked etc etc perfect timing.

Now I've recently had my 4th child, I'm divorced, renting, lost my job.

There are never perfect circumstances and at least you are going into
It eyes open. You'll never regret having your child, but you might regret not having one.

Viviennemary · 07/05/2013 20:42

I agree that you should just go for it. You sound caring and responsible so what more could a baby need. There would be options like one of you could go part-time to cut the cost of childcare. Or as someone else suggested your DH could stay at home and you could work then you might get help.

lagoonhaze · 07/05/2013 20:43

Yanbu you will never regret having a baby but regret it forever if you don't .

You Will find a way

jollygoose · 07/05/2013 20:44

just go ahead and do it - things have a way of sorting themselves out, gl

everlong · 07/05/2013 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BearsInMotion · 07/05/2013 20:45

Because what's the alternative? Leave it too late, realise you can't have children and regret it for the rest of your life?

Fairenuff · 07/05/2013 20:46

I left London to have my first dc. The wage difference wasn't that much but cost of living was almost halved. It meant that I could give up my job. I know you said your work was specialist but how about a change of career? Or just get any old job to start with, until you can find something more suitable.

It's easy to say just go for it but what you have to remember is you won't just be having a baby. You will be creating and shaping another human adult. The financial commitment is massive. You can get lots of baby stuff secondhand and cheap (apart from nappies, which cost the earth) but the child soon grows and has many more needs. Childcare would always be a big cost, at least until they start school.

It would make more sense to use the next year to find another job, in a cheaper area, a suitable property to rent and save, save, save. Then you will be in a position to start ttc.

Mumsyblouse · 07/05/2013 20:52

I don't really understand what you mean by 'shit flat'? Millions of people around the world live in small flats, or apartments with no garden, or all share a room- some cultures even prefer to share a bed than have separate bedrooms. I am not talking people in desperate poverty, just people not all living in large separate houses in the country-side. You are better off than pretty much all these people, and have a good wage coming in (not your fault that childcare is higher here than pretty much anywhere in western europe).

I would go for it, you can change jobs/downsize/rejuggle caring responsibilities/investigate tax credits along the way. It is absolutely ridiculous for someone to start to believe they have to be in a perfect large house with a guaranteed job for life (what, in the recession) to have a child- children need love, care and attention and if you go halfway to providing that, then you will be offering more than many parents do, big house or no.

Original poster
KentishWine · 07/05/2013 20:52

I have worked since leaving Uni. I've worked really hard! DH works too. Neither of us are in very high paying carers, although I am encouraging DH to take a banking job in the city Wink! He's not keen! We're a happy, loving couple and we just want a baby!

OP posts:
hellonewworld · 07/05/2013 20:57

I would go for it, yes it might not be the best of circumstances but your more likely to regret not having the baby than regret having it and whatever happens you will always have your family x

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