to think 'sod it' and just have a baby anyway?

[KentishWine]

We have no money, we live in a shit flat and I'm about to start a new job. It's a dreadful time to even be thinking about having a baby. But I'm 36 and the proverbial clock has been ticking for the last year. Its so bloody loud it's driving me insane. Our financial/housing situation won't improve until I'm at least 40. Not an ideal time to start trying for a baby (especially as my DM had an early menopause at 43). I want to do it now!

After rent, bills, debts etc, DH and I have about £500 left over each month for everything else. There's no way I can afford to be a SAHM, we'll both have to work FT so FT childcare is our only choice. This costs £1200 a month (London). We're short by £700! As far as I can work out, we're not eligable for tax credits etc as DH is subject to immigration control until 2015 (I'm British, he's Brazillian). We are eligable for £20/month child benefit, but that wouldn't even touch the sides.

It makes me so sad that we're too poor for a baby. By the time we're not too poor, it's likely to be too late. AIBU to just get pregnant and hope for the best? What's the worst that could happen?

[EasilyBored]

I'm not sure that's true bigkid I think most people have some things they would like to get sorted before having a baby. I didn't always have a strong urge to have a baby, but I certainly thought it was a possibility and knew that I wanted to have the stable relationship, decent job and own home first etc. There has to be a point where you stop just 'winging' it and actually act like an adult and do some forward planning.

[Cloverer]

How much should you be earning before you have children everlong? Average wage is about £26k, more than enough to raise a child on.

[Cloverer]

Children do not cost that much - evidenced by the fact that millions of ordinary people manage to bring up children without saving for 10 years and getting high paid jobs before hand.

[KentishWine]

aurynne I have been working my entire life, not really doing "whatever the hell I wanted". Far from it I'm not going to change my mind about having a baby. Priorities change. In my teens the priority was music and boys. In my twenties it was carving out a career (and music and boys). And now it's having a family with my DH.

[Purplehonesty]

What are your jobs? You say they are niche careers but in what?
I think moving has to be an option, move to an area where rents and childcare are much cheaper and take jobs doing something different if you can't find things related to your field.
It's not forever, you can get back into your careers later or start up on your own but as you say the time is ticking for a baby.
Where I live you can rent a perfectly lovely 3 bed family home for £600 a month and childcare ft with a childminder would be about £800
You'd be loaded!! Good luck, I hope it works out for you

[bigkidsdidit]

Oh yes Easily - what I meant was, most people sort themselves out, and start planning, when the urge hits them to have a baby. Not age 18.

[EasilyBored]

When you've got childcare fees in excess of £1000 a month, £26,000 a year isn't really going to get you very far.

[DontmindifIdo]

Can you move out in commuting distance of London?

Check if you would be allowed to claim WTC (if not your DH).

[Cloverer]

Really? Every child deserves big houses, holidays, driving lessons, house deposits, University?

Of course, that would be nice - but it's not going to happen for the majority of children.

Again - the initial outlay of baby stuff is not expensive at all.

I think some of you are living on a different planet. It would be lovely for all children to be brought up by affluent parents but that's not how the world works. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be born.

[Littlehousesomewhere]

Yanbu

I can't believe people are saying you shouldn't have a child as you are poor. Poor people are allowed a family life as well.

Start ttc straight away and then you can plan afterwards. People with unexpected pregnancies manage to change their living situation in that 9 months and you can too. Lots if ideas already given here.

I am surprised you are not allowed to claim benefits though?

i thought you were as long as the British partner did? This would mean that if you did have only one of you working it would have to be you. If this is not the case it is very discriminatory as if you were a single parent you would be able to claim so why not as a partnered parent if you still meet the eligibility income factors.

[brdgrl]

I apologize because I have not read all the replies (sorry, just a bit rushed) and maybe this has already been said.

When DH and I had our DD, I was subject to immigration control. That meant I was unable to receive any benefits. My DH, however, received child tax credits for both my DSCs and our DD. You should be able to get those. You will also be eligible for all maternity benefits. Your child will of course be eligible for benefits as he or she will be a citizen and not subject to immigration control.

I will say that "how much does a baby cost?" is a question akin to "how long is a piece of string?" It can cost very little - aside from, as you already know, child care.

I was in a worse place financially then what you describe, when I decided to have DD. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been so hard, either - and I have no regrets about doing it when I did.

[brdgrl]

obviously, I think YANBU!

[NoSquirrels]

OP, I am presuming that you're North London from your username (could be wrong!) If so, there are loads of cheaper (and greener) places to live in London. Sarf London, for example. . .

Why can't you move? Do you own, are you in negative equity?If not, you can definitely move! I bet you could find somewhere you'd be as, if not more, happy with in a cheaper area of London.

Also, £1200 a month nursery fees is a lot, but nurseries are not the only form of childcare... Childminders are cheaper, some considerably so, I would pay much less than that for a full-time spot with my wonderful childminder. And I'd choose her over a nursery anyway even if twice the price!

Consider if you and your DH can juggle working hours with some flexibility from your employers (i.e. both do 4 day weeks,thus needing only 3 days of paid childcare, working fulltime in compressed hours i.e. 5 days over 4, working from home one day etc) and can prevail on your siblings if possible then you may find it is actually not so bad.

Look really really hard at your budget now. If you are serious, see if you can actually find an extra £100+pcm to throw at your debts or to save. 'About £500' is quite vague, I bet if you tried you could cut out some non-essential expenditure you've just got used to having, rather than need. Coffees, Sky, whatever. Gym subscription. Look hard and see if there's something in your expenditure that would be better off sacrificed to your goal for a child.

Make it a challenge for 6 months while you get established in your new job. You need to concentrate on that for a bit anyway, and as that will involve a change in routine etc perhaps you can capitalise on that.

[Cloverer]

I would rather get by and have a child, than be well off and childless.

I doubt many people on £26k are paying £1000 a month in childcare EasilyBored. Us poverty-stricken plebs work part time, share childcare between us, have evening jobs, or a stay at home parent.

[brdgrl]

If you don't mind answering - have you only just gotten married? Because after two years of marriage, your DH ought to be able to apply for ILR.

[expatinscotland]

Or those saying yes have one are you happy for the OP to stay put in her shit flat with no money bringing up her baby in a dire situation?

What's so dire about it? Loads of people come on here with unplanned pregnancies, they're single and on benefits or in poor financial circumstances and no one jumps on board saying, 'Nah, I don't think your child should be born.' How is this different?

She's married, they both have jobs, they can move to another flat.

I would be gutted if my daughter, my only daughter now, didn't have children because she couldn't afford driving lessons, university fees and house deposits for them! None of mine would be born at all if I'd not had them due to that.

[expatinscotland]

sorry, missed quotation marks on that.

'Or those saying yes have one are you happy for the OP to stay put in her shit flat with no money bringing up her baby in a dire situation?'

[Fairenuff]

aurynne op was working for a charity, give her a break, she wasn't just frittering her money away.

However, I was on another thread about school trips and there were loads of posters saying that they couldn't afford £5 a month, or whatever. Some people really are on a very tight budget and it can be extremely difficult to manage sometimes.

Lots of us have suggested moving, you haven't responded to that yet, what are your thoughts on living somewhere cheaper?

[Cloverer]

How on earth do all these people on average wages manage to feed and clothe their children everlong? It's truly a mystery.

[EasilyBored]

Every child deserves to have a decent roof over their head though, and enough food to eat and for their parents not to be on the brink of financial ruin every time a big bill comes in. That isn't the case for a huge amount of children, and while I think we should be helping people, I think knowingly going into a situation like this is just stupid.

[brdgrl]

Birthdays and Christmas presents actually are a luxury, you know. Just saying.