to think 'sod it' and just have a baby anyway?

[KentishWine]

We have no money, we live in a shit flat and I'm about to start a new job. It's a dreadful time to even be thinking about having a baby. But I'm 36 and the proverbial clock has been ticking for the last year. Its so bloody loud it's driving me insane. Our financial/housing situation won't improve until I'm at least 40. Not an ideal time to start trying for a baby (especially as my DM had an early menopause at 43). I want to do it now!

After rent, bills, debts etc, DH and I have about £500 left over each month for everything else. There's no way I can afford to be a SAHM, we'll both have to work FT so FT childcare is our only choice. This costs £1200 a month (London). We're short by £700! As far as I can work out, we're not eligable for tax credits etc as DH is subject to immigration control until 2015 (I'm British, he's Brazillian). We are eligable for £20/month child benefit, but that wouldn't even touch the sides.

It makes me so sad that we're too poor for a baby. By the time we're not too poor, it's likely to be too late. AIBU to just get pregnant and hope for the best? What's the worst that could happen?

She's not exactly living in a homeless hostel and relying on food banks to eat, though.

expat it's different because for whatever reason, those people are already pregnant and the choice not to carry on with the pregnancy is more complicated. The OP isn't pregnant. She would be making a conscious choice to do this, not end up 'accidentally' in this situation and try and figure it out.

yanbu

good luck

x

I am so anxious about this bloody government though. It wouldn't surprise me if they suddenly announced spouses of immigrants weren't allowed to claim tax credits on their behalf, or some other shite like that. And the threshold for help is so low now. It's really tough.

If you were 26 I'd say wait but at 36 you should go for it. Would be a massive regret for your whole life if you left it too late.

I'm a big believer in 'there is NEVER a right time to have a baby'. There will always be something that could hold you back - time, money, childcare etc.

Go for it!!!

'expat it's different because for whatever reason, those people are already pregnant and the choice not to carry on with the pregnancy is more complicated. '

No it's not, because if we're talking responsibility then if you're in a truly dire situation, you should double up on contraception every time to avoid pregnancy.

According to the judgey pants on here, a lot of us shouldn't have had children. Including me.

yanbu, babies don't need to cost that much. Although I would say if you can't afford to stay in London is there a possibility of moving somewhere a bit cheaper to live?

I'm pretty sure that before I had a baby I couldn't have 'afforded' to pay the fulltime childcare costs on top of our regular living expenses.

Never in my life have my DH and I had that kind of cash 'spare' every month.

And yet somehow we have managed to have DC and pay for their childcare.

To those who are saying she's too poor, and on the breadline, and how irresponsible etc. I truly don't think that's the case here. They're not rolling in cash, no, but they have £500 left over after rent and bills every month. That's not nothing.

It's the now or never bit that makes this different, if you were 26 and in this situation then of course you'd be better off waiting. Full time childcare costs are only for a few years (yes, wraparound care is expensive even once they're at school but not as bad) and it sounds like other parts of your situation may also improve in that time, biologically things aren't looking hopeful for waiting a few years though.

If you're going to spend your child's early life being stressed and miserable, making your child's life miserable then maybe it's not worth it. If you can provide a loving home and a happy childhood, even if it's short on material possessions, then go for it.

That's why I'm saying she should really do her sums and figure out if it's actually possibly. I just hate the kind of blind enthusiasm that says 'just go and have a baby, it'll be fine!'.

expat that's why I said 'accidentally', not just accidentally.

ever the OP is not your son. She is THIRTY-SIX, married, living on her own with her spouse and they are both in employment.

'Ds has a job and is supporting the baby but she is still living in a small, flat in a pretty rough area with no garden for the baby.'

When I had DD1 we were living in a very rough area in a one-bed council flat on the 2nd floor.

Excepting for 2 years out of the 9 years of her life, DD1 lived with us in HA and council flats with no garden.

Even now, we live in a HA maisonette with no garden.

We are surrounded by families in this block, nearly all of them in employment.

Guess we shouldn't have had any of our kids.

She's not exactly living in a homeless hostel and relying on food banks to eat, though.

Exactly expat!

At worst, the OP will need to move somewhere cheaper, find a job earning over £18k, and her DH will be SAHD. That sounds absolutely fine and doable to me.

You're in debt. You have £500 left after paying your rent, bills and debt each month. Does that include groceries, living costs, clothes, visits to family abroad etc?

I suppose "borrowing" off your parents isn't quite the same - but is more debt the answer? What if they need the money back?

You need another £700pm just to pay for childcare - and then live on what exactly?

You can't give up your job - or even take anything but the minimum maternity leave because you need to be earning £18400 gross pa to meet your husband's visa requirements. Which means you can't claim WTC.

Great idea for your DH to be a SAHD, but a word of warning - it's not everyone's cup of tea.

If you move to a cheaper area then you will have the cost of commuting which will account for most of what you will save on accommodation. Tell me a cheap area where you can move to within cheap and easy commuting distance of London?

I'm sure you both love your jobs but if you've chosen a low paid career and worked for 16 years, it's a shame you didn't start thinking about this 10 years ago and saved some money.

You have no assets, only debts, and an uncertain future. Everything depends on you working full time with no drop in earnings or loss of employment.

I really can't see how you will realistically manage the additional expense of a baby in these circumstances.

Another poster mentioned the MSE website - you might want to take a look at the budget planner.

You might also want to have a look at StepChange with regard to handling your existing debt.

Another good site relating directly to the cost of having a baby in the first year only (it doesn't get cheaper after that, either - quite the reverse) is The Money Advice Service.

But then, after all that, I notice you've said I am encouraging DH to take a banking job in the city ! He's not keen!.

Is that right? He could take a well paid job, get you out of debt and out of this mess, carve out a career to assist his visa application - and he's not keen?

I hope that was a joke!

When DS was small XH was on a settlement (no recourse) visa. We got housing benefit and tax credits. Because they are claimed jointly it is effectively you who would be claiming with his income also taken into consideration. Every benefit agency saw his passport and visa so it was definitely correct.

There was no reasoning with them, no explaining how hard it was going to be. They knew best. Guess who has bailed them out time after time? They've split now.

So? When I had DD (planned pregnancy), I was a mature student with a VERY small income from part-time teaching. For the first six months of her life, I lived separately from my now-DH, in a 'rough' neighbourhood, in a small place with no garden whatsoever. I had no benefits apart from statutory maternity pay. I had absolutely no idea if I would get work in my field after finishing my degree. I did have years and years of supporting myself behind me, and some common sense.

It has worked out for me. Anecdotal evidence goes both ways.

I'm with expat.

I think OP should go for it.

Look into childminders OP - i found they were generally cheaper than the nursery option, and i preferred the idea of a home from home setting anyway.

I was mid 30s living in a tumble down house in London with no central heating, holes in the floorboards, cupboards falling off and with no job when I found out I was pregnant. That wasn't planned. I got a job, got the house renovated, learned to live off the smell of money when the baby was born so I could stay at home.

When you're not working, you have the time to shop in a variety of different places to get the best bargains. I scrimped and penny pinched, never bought baby wipes, disposable nappies or bin bags, it was back to basics. No cot, no nursery, no processed organic baby foods.

I say, put aside what money you can now, start trying, if you conceive tomorrow, you are still not going to be paying nursery fees for at least a year. That gives you just 7 months until it's 2015! If prospects are looking up from when you are 40, that's before your child would even hit school age.

Life is good for us, I'm now a single mother, we have a pretty good house, a couple of holidays aboard each year and plenty of fun adventures. I no longer have a car (huge saving) and work full time so am still paying for childcare even though DS is at school so it has reduced considerably since I went back to work when he was 2.

Sounds like you have prospects so unlikely to be stuck poor for ever. Your call.

I didn't save until I was pg, like you I didn't really consider children when I was younger. We have 2 now, I'm shocked at how much money we frittered before. Things are tight, I can't see a time when we won't be private-renting, and there is some instability in that, but we get by, I wonder about the less stressful, more financially secure life I would have had if we hadn't had children, they are very expensive. I honestly don't know if I could have my time again what I'd choose to do, but as the children get older and things get a little easier I more inclined to believe we did the right thing.

Go for it, but be under no illusion that it won't be very difficult.

We won't be as 'poor' as we are now forever. Things will get better so I imagine in the future we'd be able to send a DC on a school trip and buy a birthday present. I absolutely don't want to claim benefits, not necessarily because of any moral objection, but because I'm not sure how it would look on DHs next visa application. Especially if the recent UKIP support encourages the gov to be even harsher on immigrants. The gov have already made the road to permanent residency (but not citizenship) 5 years insteas of 2. I have to support DH with no third party support. And I'm sure it'll only get tougher.

Another vote to go for it. Good luck.

In answer to everyone telling you to move - please don't be so shortsighted. My husband and I are also in niche careers with few prospects outside of London. We could maybe afford a better flat etc if we moved and took any old job - but we are carving out careers and taking a few years out would dump us right back at the bottom of the pecking order, so longterm it's not a great option.