Football match or family holiday??

[helsbels03]

AIBU - dh's football team just got into the play offs to move into the premiership. If they get through the semi 's then the final will be the day after we go on holiday to Tunisia. He has just asked I would mind if he flew out 2 days later as he wants to see his team at wembly. I am vv annoyed and upset he would rather watch football than go on holiday with us, we are only going for a week so he would be leaving me 3 young dc and my elderly mum for almost half of the holiday. Please give me some perspective on this- am I over reacting?

The choice of whole holiday in Tunisia or couple of hours at Wembley? No contest. See you when you get back.

Do some people not understand that the, "Go for the whole holiday or not at all" thing might not be any use as a threat at all?

I don't see what all the fuss is about. If that's the threat, if that's the punishment the OP will mete out for "letting" her grown adult husband attend the match then so be it. If that's what the husband accepts I'm sure that there will be people who complain about that too - for some it appears to be a case of "either do as your wife wants you to or be castigated". The poor sod can't win.

I'm just about to see if I can book tickets for football. It will cost me around 600 Euro, whatever that means in real money, plus flights and accommodation, I'll be handing children, business and pets over to the care of my perfectly capable other half and I'll be off. No "permission" required. The situation will no doubt be reversed in the forthcoming months and I'll be the one running the home, kids and business.

The choice of whole holiday in Tunisia or couple of hours at Wembley? No contest. See you when you get back

. My DH loves me very very much but I think he may just choose the footie. [Hmm] He has done the most ridiculous trips to Euroupe to see games, ones involving overnight coaches, no sleep whatsoever etc etc. he loves every second. Good for him. I do things I enjoy too.

We can afford it and we spend lots of time together asa family. We can spare him for the regular odd weekend.

He talks about games he saw thirty and fourth years ago and will rewatch games endlessly. There is a bit of snobbery saved just for looking down on footie fans I think. My DH has a double first Degree from a super prestigious Uni, is an all round big wig, is an active member of The National Theatre and is very 'cultured' but he still loves his footie and rugby, and cricket and..... etcetera

iiiiiiiiiiii (however many of them there are), I think I might be a little in love with you. You've said it all. No-one's going to be saying to their adult son in 30 years time, "Do you remember when we got on the plane to Tunisia? You had your winter coat on, took it off when we arrived and had an ice cream". A football fan would be saying to their adult son, "It was fantastic, there were 80,000 of us, it was 1-1 in the 89th minute. And then, just as the ref looked at his watch, Nugent hit the back of the net from 30 yards. The whole stadium erupted, I hugged the bloke next to me, never seen him before in my life, we were both crying."

And snobbery about football on MN? Not much!

Why on earth would you treat another grown adult like this.

I'd have liked me saying to exP that he couldn't go off and do his shit.

Sorry Geezer but I think you're being a bit disingenuous. It's not about 'permission', it's about making sure that the kids are taken care of and neither partner is being unduly put out. Are you really going to jet off without making sure your partner is at least available to have the kids on his own (ie, doesn't have a business trip, or a once in a lifetime thing of his own already booked?) If he did have something booked, would you really just go anyway? Say there was something going on at that time that was important to your partner, like your anniversary, and he said he would be quite upset if you missed it -- would you really just ignore that, even if it wasn't that important to you?

That's what I don't get. It's not about 'letting' people do anything, it's about having consideration for other people's lives and feelings, not just assuming you can do whatever you want and the other person will just put up with it.

Football may be important but it's not more important than family. When you're old, it's not going to be John Terry taking care of you. When your kids graduate uni, Frank Lampard isn't going to give a toss. If you're sick and need help from your kids, will you be happy for them to say, sorry mum, there's a match on?

I'm not saying you should do anything differently, if your family is happy with it all -- knock yourself out. But other people aren't wrong to feel differently, and putting family above football does not make one less of a fan, it just means having a different perspective.

I can think of television programmes over which people are equally obsessed as some are about football - if not more so. To the point of believing they are real life, almost. I wonder if the same indulgence would be extended to someone whose holiday coincided with the season finale of one such programme?

(And if "you can watch it on TiVo/iPlayer" is the answer, then that's the answer for football too.)

I'm still uncomfortable about the whole "I won't let him" subtext. Ultimately, if he decides it's what he is doing, he won't be stopped - the price to pay will be extreme pissed-off-ness. Maybe he knows this and has already banked it.

Agree with dreamingbohemian. Unless you have taken the family calendar geezer and picked a weekend that you are all already committed to something together, then I fail to see what the relevance of you going off for your football jaunt is. I hope you enjoy it and it sounds like you and your DP have an equitable agreement whereby they can go off and do their thing at some point as well. All great and good but doesn't bear a huge amount of resemblance to the OPs situation.

This isn't about "letting" the DH go off and "do his shit". If there had been no existing plans already already made, or ones that could be gotten out of without financial consequence then I'm sure the OP would be fine with that. Or at least if she wasn't it would be a different thread and one in which I would probably support the DH in having his own interests.

DadonIce, maybe to get you over the whole "I won't let him" subtext it might help to think of it another way.

The OP's subtext to me is that I won't let myself be put into a situation where I'm on my jack jones looking after 3 very young children and an elderly mother for half of what is meant to be a relaxing family vacation.

She has found a solution that works for both of them by taking her Dsis instead, but apparently that's not enough for some folk. Apparently she shouldn't try to control her DH, suck up whatever solution he cares to offer and make it into steak and you know what night because the poor diddums supports a football team.

The kids are going to be taken care of in the OP's scenario, dreamingbohemian. They have their no doubt perfectly able mother with them plus another adult who, although "elderly" (what does that mean anyway? 60? 70? 80?), is not described by the OP as in any way incapable.

The OP's husband hasn't made plans without ensuring that the OP isn't available. She isn't unavailable. He merely wants to fly out to join her two- yes, two, not 22 days later in order to experience something he is highly unlikely to get the chance of experiencing again.

My point is about "letting" people. Several posters have said that they would or wouldn't "let" their husband's do this, that the OP should or shouldn't "allow" her adult husband to do this. Several.

Would I go and miss the anniversary in your example? You bet your life I would.

If I'm sick and need help from my kids etc etc - well for one thing this case isn't about the OP being sick and needing her husband there, for another I'm a very firm believer in my kids not being obliged to care for me in old age/ill health, for well thought out personal reasons so I would say FFS go and watch the match love and give the boys a cheer from me too, but that's going a little off-topic.

And I go back to what I said earlier - the person who has never got a babysitter in so they could go to the cinema instead of being home with the kids, who has never used the creche at the gym, who has never left their child with a friend while they went to lunch or shopping or to a wedding, who has never left the kids with their other half and gone out with friends, who is with their kids 24/7 rather than ever doing anything for their own pleasure which doesn't involve children, they might have a reasonable claim with the accusations of putting a personal interest and oneself before one's children. I don't honestly think there will be a lot of those about though.

And finally - what makes you think I'm not an Arsenal fan!! :P

How many grown men enjoy going on holiday with the MIL?

theoriginal, my other half's work is seasonal. I didn't look at the calendar, I just know that at this time of year, especially in this weather, there's going to be a lot of it. My absence may well cost us financially and be knackering for my other half but I'm sure that, in the forthcoming months, the tables will be turned.

Fair comment, Freddie. He may be daft in supporting Leicester, this OP's husband, but he's not so green as he's cabbage-looking, is he? Two birds with one stone and all that, yes?

YANBU. It's a poxy fecking game and he's not even playing in it.

The end of the football season and play off dates are well known to supporters. There is no way my DH would make plans that would include these dates; especially without saying, Aderyn how do you feel about missing another trip to Wembley, save yourself all the emotion. I hope helsbels and her DH work this out in a way that makes them both happy.

I think this allows the getting all excited to be fair.

Of course it's OK to get excited. I get excited watching certain sports. I even pay to go and see them sometimes. I clap cheer and smile and sometimes groan if something goes wrong for someone I want to see win.

There is a difference between enjoying seeing a person or team being successful and the ridiculous behaviour you see people displaying about football. I know men whose whole weekend/week is ruined (and that of their whole family) if 'their' team loses. They act like it is really important in a life or death kind of way and it is childish and ridiculous. I just don't understand why these people haven't grown up.

lol Geezer, if you're making plans to go to a cup final you obviously don't support Arsenal

Fair enough -- like I said, if it works for your family, great. It doesn't sound like the OP's family has the same set-up, so I don't really blame her for being annoyed.

Goldmandra, I agree entirely with your last paragraph. In my extended family and ILs, there are several people, all male, who make life a living hell for their wives and children after a 'bad' result for 'their' team of overpaid millionaires. I don't mean drink or DV but tantrums and extended sulks, after afternoons either glued to the TV or in the pub. It is very depressing to watch , and I don't see that kind of latitude extended to fans of anything else.

dreamingbohenian

"I get excited watching certain sports. I clap cheer and smile and sometimes groan if something goes wrong for someone I want to see win.
I just don't understand why these people haven't grown up."

Goldmandra, I just don't understand your version of "excited".

How glad I'm I that my DH is nothing like geezer! Loving and supporting your team is one thing, but putting a group of over paid millionaires above your family is just awful!! We can defiantly see who wears the pants in that relationship.
How truly sad I also have a feeling that geezers partner is not as happy he thinks she is either as he probably dosnt give two hoots about her feelings/needs or is oblivious as long as his football ones are met.

My kids would be devastated there dad did that but then again my DH wouldn't want to miss out on two days on holiday with his kids, his priorities are bang on. He is a family man, done men just can't fulfil that.

Ok Geezer so you didn't check the calendar, but I'm pretty sure you would be aware if a major foreign holiday had been booked for the same weekend as your football jaunt.

If you don't know and there is then I wouldn't bet on your DP being as sanguine as you think she might be. You could ask her and find out.

"Goldmandra, I just don't understand your version of "excited".

It seems like a pretty normal description to me. I understand the highs completely. I have been there.

The thing is, you don't have to tramp all over the needs and feelings of your nearest and dearest to prove that you're a die-hard fan.

There seems to be some competition to be the most committed, most enthusiastic fan who will go to the greatest lengths to be around the team and be the most traumatised if they don't win.

I honestly think that the hobby becomes more about extreme 'fan'ning than it is about what happens on the pitch. If you don't go to ridiculous lengths you don't qualify as a proper 'fan'.

When it comes down to it, it is all about the random movements of a ball and some blokes round a piece of grass. What happens to the fans is just mass hysteria and, at times, it escalates to the point where others have to intervene and introduce some common sense. Sometimes that is family members pointing out that they have feelings too and sometimes it is the police intervening to stop people smashing up property purely in order to demonstrate how much more upset they are than the next fan.

If you enjoy following a sport that's great. Go and cheer them on, scream and shout, cry, hug strangers if you want, whatever turns you on, but don't lose sight of the things in life that really do matter because football certainly isn't one of them.

The last two years I was extremely lucky and got to see Arsenal-Spurs at the Emirates, both of which times we trounced Spurs 5-3, and in one case had the added pleasure of seeing Adebayor sent off

I will never forget jumping up and down, hugging random strangers when we scored, the way we all sang for hours, walking in the streets afterwards feeling so happy -- and that was just a regular match! It really is a high, the best feeling in the world.

So I get the excitement, honestly I do. I still would not put that above my family's happiness.

I admit I may be biased in this because my DH never really asks me not to do things, so if he did ask, I would know it was extremely important to him, and I would not want to let him down.

"How glad I'm I that my DH is nothing like geezer! Loving and supporting your team is one thing, but putting a group of over paid millionaires above your family is just awful!! We can defiantly see who wears the pants in that relationship.
How truly sad I also have a feeling that geezers partner is not as happy he thinks she is either as he probably dosnt give two hoots about her feelings/needs or is oblivious as long as his football ones are met. "

My other half is perfectly happy, thank you very much. And here comes the football snobbery and jealousy - "over paid millionaires" - would my lifestyle be more to your approval if the team were on the National Minimum Wage?

You fell at the very first post, whatamadarse. You made an ass out of yourself with your assumptions. We're all no doubt glad that your husband is nothing like me. He'd look a bit silly with a pair of tits, a fanjo and wearing, as I am today, a skirt and high heels. My other half - he's the one wearing the "pants" today, as he does every day. He'd look silly in a skirt too.

This is not about putting a football team (or "a group of over paid millionaires", if you insist), above anyone. This is about having the freedom to take 48 freaking hours out in order to enjoy a one off event which can't be moved or replicated another time. Jesus, anyone would think some people are jealous.

theoriginal, you've done it too, but I think whatamadarse might win the prize.

dreamingbohemian, now I feel guilty about my Arsenal remark and that you knew they weren't my team due to lack of cup finals!