For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

[roses2]

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

'Some posters have a 'holier than thou' tone or appear to be engaged in some kind of martyr contest trying to show how far they have gone/ how little they have eaten, to ensure no baby whimper goes unattended. '

No, just trying to make it clear in case the OP doesn't realise, that this is NORMAL - that most people's lives turn upside down when they have a baby, unless of course they do have a live in nanny.

We're trying to show her that she isn't a rubbish parent if she has to alter her routines to cater for a small crying person.

However I do think there are two issues here - one is how the OP is relating to her baby, the other is how the MIL is behaving and perhaps both need addressing a bit separately.

I think the mil is rightly concerned

Erm not everybody runs and drops everything the minute their babies cry.In RL I don't know anybody who did,it's just on MN.

Op get a book on routines if you want to go down that route.A tried and tested version is far easier imvho than trying to reinvent the wheel.

Op I had twins and believe you me they had to wait a lot. Perfectly happy babies.

Oh and don't listen to the damage bollocks,babies produce cortisol all the time. Imvh most babies would produce far more being left day after day at nursery yet many,many mothers do it daily.Babies are tough and you need to look after yourself which means having a few minutes peace to eat your meal.

Routine,bath,feed,change,bed in a quiet,dark room.After a few months he'll be doing it regardless and you'll all be happier.

I also agree with your Mil on the crying and think you are being unreasonable definitely consider offering boob. Anyway since unsurprisingly I jgjdwdtdpwmmd else made many mistakes on all my children I would chalk it down to experience and maybe look for some more advice and tips on the baby section.

Stupid phone I have no idea what that says but it should say like everyone else

YABU - 4-6weks is a growth spurt. Stop feeding to a schedule and listen to what your baby is trying to tell you.

RooneyMara, perhaps some posters may have intended to show the OP that new babies mean big changes and sacrifices in life. However I feel that what is behind some of the posts is a desire to castigate her for having her own need to eat properly as if this is somehow optional.

I would guess that either consciously or unconsciously, because OP is living with the PIL's, she feels she is in a position where she is not getting to make decisions (who chooses meal timings for example?) and this is added to usual feelings of panic and being out of control that new mothers can feel. She is responding to this insecurity by sticking to rigid rules i.e not picking up the baby at meal times, and feels her MIL is picking the baby up not out of a desire to help, but a desire to criticise. So telling her her MIL is right in parts is pretty unhelpful to be honest, even if it is true, it is probably the last thing she wants to hear.

I haven't posted again because I was hoping that the thread would drop down and vanish- but it hasn't.

Can I beg people not to post? The OP has got the message by now- nobody is saying anything new. Let's just leave it.

OP- please read the sensible advice you've been given and ignore the hurtful stuff. Tomorrow is another day.

Agree with Miaow and Sand.

Good post miaow to be honest though I do think the point needed to be made and emphasised about not leaving a 4 month old to cry so frequently. When my first was a baby my mother was first to say not to leave her to cry unless you absolutely had to but when sister in law left her little boy in another room to cry it out between scheduled 4 hourly feeds she did not feel it would be appropriate for her to comment and I would love if sister in law came on here instead.

I don't think I would enjoy my dinner with dd2 screaming
I've just had a lovely dinner though. Dd2 was lying next to me chewing a toy and cooing.

Hope you're ok op.

If you want to start another thread in order to get some constructive advice instead of petty vitriol feel free.

Pie that is you and Neu no I don't think any point had to be made. Not all of us want to pick up a baby 24/7. I had 3 under 15 months so it wasn't even possible.

Many mothers have other siblings who need and are entitled to attention and a mother not continuously fussing over a baby. Most of us have other kids,houses to run,some even have jobs.

In real life babies cry.They survive.

Sorry but I'm judging you for leaving your baby to cry.

Leave a 4 month old to cry?? Horrendous, no wonder your MIL is stressed. Why would you behave like this?

I couldn't live with someone who let their four month old baby just sit and cry, it would upset me too much, it really would. I think everyone has different tolerance levels, perhaps your MIL is really sensitive to it.

I've got nothing to add OP, there seems enough venom here already but at least some of the posts have been kind. I hope you've not been too hurt by some of the vile comment made. Stay strong, little babies are only little babies for a while x

OMG, I so did not expect this reaction. You're all making me out to be a child abuser.

Firstly, DS is cuddled all day along except for a few times when we want to eat & shower. And that is because MIL wants us to all sit at the table and eat as a family. She won't have her & PIL eat then me & DH eat later.

We've tried sitting him on our knee and bouncing him up and down but he still cries. He wants us to carry him and walk around so he can see things. When he cries, I always check for hunger, pain & nappy change. Once he's picked up and walked around, it's clear that all he wants is attention.

And it's not abandonment, the theory is called retreat AND RETURN - which I always do.

Sorry, it's just not sustainable to do this all day long every day.

The thing I always think about on this type of threads is when my ds was in intensive care at four months, attached to a load of machines so I couldn't hear him when he cried, let alone pick him up. Heartbreaking at the time but I don't think it has scarred him for life, he is a very happy and well adjusted four year old now. Sense of proportion, people.

I think you need to explain to your MIL that you either have to eat when he naps/gone to bed or she will have to accept for now eating in turn with someone looking after the baby.

With 4 adults around there really isn't a need for him to be left to cry at all.

Tho - that is different, I have been in the same situation and it is heartbreaking but its out of your control, and I know I still did everything I could do to comfort DS when he was ill even when that was just holding his hand or rubbing his head.

Babies need attention roses, I'm afraid that just comes with the territory.

You need to tell your MIL that you can't eat until later as your DS needs to go to bed first. Leaving him in distress so you and the PIL can "eat as a family" is not reasonable.

If MIL is dictating dinner times, and this is causing problems related to how you handle your baby during the meal, can you move?

Is there a special reason why you cannot live on your own as a family?