For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

[roses2]

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

I'm afraid I think you mil is right. It's very distressing hearing a baby cry, that would ruin the meal due to knots in the stomach... Can you have baba in a sling while you eat or eat in shifts ( a pain I know)

OP you have the luxury of a DH, at least - many people take turns to hold the baby while the other eats their dinner etc.

I live on sandwiches and pizza and often my 'breakfast' is a hastily grabbed cup of tea, the only one I get all day as I can make ds1 hold the baby - and a few biscuits.

Having someone around to take turns with would be awesome. Please please make use of him and that way everyone can be happy.

and one handed ravioli out of the tin is not unknown here..! half of it goes on the keyboard/floor but at least the baby is happy...well he had better be

it's only for a short while. they do get easier.

4 months is way to young to do controlled crying, he hasn't intellectual capacity to be trying to manipulate you. He needs something, even if it is only comfort.

I often eat with my 2 month old in a sling, or I hold her and eat one handed. I wouldn't be able to get a meal down if she was wailing and distressed so I'm with your MIL on this.

YABVU. At that age DH and I ate in sittings. 4mo babies aren't able to manipulate people to get attention. Their need for attention is genuine and should be responded to.

I agree with your mil.

A crying 4 month old is a cuddle opportunity.

They grow up so quickly. He's not 14 months and so far too young to ignore like this.

Yabu. And cruel.
I am a lone parent to a 3 year old and a 5 month old. Sometimes dd2 has to cry while I'm putting dd1 coat on or in the car or if I desperate for the loo. These are 5 minute bursts I cannot do anything about. The rest of the time of course I don't leave her to cry!

Feeding schedules are bullshit too.
Why would you use a pushchair in the house?
What's the matter with you?

I'm with your mil on this, I never left mine to cry, I don't think I physically could.

My advice would be to talk everything through with your health visitor, we have made errors in judgment in parenting. Please remember there is no shame in getting it wrong, I screwed up feeding ds1 so much that he was readmitted at 7 days old with dehydration, I was horrified when I realised but it was easily fixed.

I agree with your MIL

Even when my fifth was a baby at that age I would only allow her to cry for longer than a minute or two if there was seriously no other choice. Sometimes it was inconvenient but that's parenting for you.

Baby is four months old, there is nothing wrong with them wanting attention and it's way too early to even think about them trying to manipulate people.

Bit late to the thread but I remember being highly strung when my first was a baby and worried about bad habits. Ridiculously so.

Looking back I had undiagnosed post natal depression. It was diagnosed but far far too late. I was so stressed with my first and obsessed with not creating a rod for my own back. I was so uptight.

You can't spoil a baby. I wish I'd spoken to the HV and the GP a lot sooner.

I hope you're ok OP.

"He cries more when MIL is there as he knows she will pick him up."

What rubbish. He is 4 months old. He doesn't know how to manipulate people yet. Arrange your meals around his sleep times fgs and let everyone get some peace while they're eating.

FWIW I judge you for leaving a tiny baby to cry. It was your choice to have him, your job to fulfil his needs I'm afraid.

You should be feeding on demand. How do you know when he is screaming he doesn't want food? He's 4 months old fgs, he needs food when he asks for it, not on some stupid schedule. Also it will effect your milk supply not feeding when he wants it...

As for managing to sit through a meal whilst your baby screams, I don't know how you do it... I also can't see what would possess you to think 'I'll plonk him in front of the TV, ignoring his crying, so I can eat my meal'. That seriously set off alarm bells for me..

There are times I think where its necessary to leave them crying FOR A MINUTE OR TWO but not whilst sitting through a meal... More like whilst you run to the loo or something. I had an exceptionally attached third child and its only been the past month or so that we've got our evenings back and she's almost 9 months. We've always eaten when the DC are in bed anyway.. Just easier that way. But before she would go to bed DH would hold her whilst I ate and then we'd swap. There were times he was at work so I had to either wolf down my food whilst I rocked her in the bouncer or i'd let it go cold so I could settle her first.. It's tough but nobody said parenting was easy! Babies cry for a reason, i'm with your mil.

I could sort of get it if you were alone but you have the luxury of a DH and mil to hold the baby so you can eat.. So yabvu. Hold the baby when he cries and feed on demand.

Yabu. Your mil is right.

Please pick up your crying baby.
I think we ate most our dinners with baby on our lap when they were that young.

They are too young to be "taught" not to cry when you are busy, some would call it neglectful or cruel parenting.

There is three of you. I am sure your MIL would hold the baby? Why not enlist her help and advice if you are struggling?

As the others have said, when baby nap, you do your chores. You shower when your bf can have the baby, and the other way around. He can cook while you bf the baby, etc. Share chores between you and ensure the bulk of the chores are done while baby is sleeping.

Personally am more inclined to think like your mil - and current advice and research points to not leaving a young baby (pre 6mths ) to cry.

Additionally for you you have several cuddle opportunities for your baby but many parents do not leave their baby to cry and manage so it's not a case of having maids - maybe other things slide a bit but it isn't the end of the world :)

Tbh whatever you do as a parent will be judged by others - especially more extreme ends of the spectrum - ferber style/leaving to cry and at the other end attachment parenting will both attract judgement as they are more extreme. But you make your choices hopefully following reseaech and if you are happy then all is good and you can feel confident in the face of judgement.

Also, what's wrong with a baby wanting attention? Do you think his needs should go no further than food and sleep? What a strange thought.

Ps I could not sit in a room with a crying baby - my stomach knots - I think loofet's post is one to read.

Does your H help out OP?

Leaving a 4 m/old to cry while I ate a full meal never occurred to me tbh.
strange.

My stupid HV told me off for picking my 5lb prem ds up as I was making a rod for my own back! I listened to her for about 10 minutes and luckily my instincts kicked in.
I so wish I'd had the confidence and knowledge to tell her how ridiculous she was being.i

I feel a bit sorry for you Op and for your little one. There is so much parenting info out there and so much literature urging routines and not spoiling babies etc. It can be very confusing and I know I sort of felt guilty and felt I had to always explain my attachment parenting approach. I can see therefore how you might have ended up taking this approach.

But as people have said almost unanimously here, babies want love and attention and they deserve it. It is awkward to eat with a baby on your knee but far from impossible. The times when they want to sit with you constantly will be over in the blink of an eye. Embrace them!

I do feel for the OP in a way, but I hope that she does not stick to her rigid routines and actually listens to her MIL, because her MIL is right. Young babies need cuddles as much as they need food, warmth and clothing. Babies who do not get the cuddles they need end up having problems with attachment and are storing up problems for later life.

Right I op as mum of 3 I agree with you,they don't need to be picked up at every wail.

However the noise,light of you all having dinner is going to confuse him.

If it was me I'd get him into bed after a feed,bath change etc.Then have dinner.

Will take a few nights but he'll soon get to grips with it,then you'll be able to eat in peace.

I have been slated on MN before for mentioning that I had not picked my DCs up the nanosecond they start crying on occasion. But I think leaving a crying baby whilst you eat or shower is excessive. A few moments whilst you finish on the toilet, or whilst you answer the phone, however is not unreasonable IMO.

However, a lot of people (especially older generations) would and have left babies to cry for long periods. OP, if you are leaving your baby cry because you have been told to by well meaning friends/family/ health professionals, then you might want to rethink the advice, and find a middle ground.

A lot of the posts on this thread have been OTT, and I hope you will be able to find the measured responses within the hysteria.

I agree with Maryz, this thread is unpleasant. Some posters have a 'holier than thou' tone or appear to be engaged in some kind of martyr contest trying to show how far they have gone/ how little they have eaten, to ensure no baby whimper goes unattended.

Then there is the dangerous nonsense about ?damage?. Frankly, if you have more than one child, and if you spend any time parenting on your own, the baby will inevitably be left to cry in some circumstances. What happens when you are supervising older children in the bath and the baby wakes up and starts to cry? Unless your baby sleeps in the bathroom, you have to delay whilst you ensure the older children are safely out of the bath.

I also imagine that some poor new mum, who may have a colicky or reflux baby, or PND, getting to the end of their rope with constant crying. What happens if they feel they can never just simply put their crying baby down safely for 10 minutes and walk away in order to regain their sanity, because they read the irresponsible comments on this thread and think that if they do so it would be abusive?

Now I know the OP was talking about deliberately leaving a child to cry rather than doing it out of necessity as in the examples above, but surely the effect would be the same on the baby since they don?t understand mitigating circumstances?. Sorry I just don?t believe she has damaged her baby by leaving him to cry for short while when she is eating.

Here?s my constructive advice, to the OP . It can be terribly draining when you feel you don?t even have time to eat and you are not being unreasonable for wanting to eat your dinner. If you are breastfeeding you need to eat, you need to nourish yourself so that you can nourish your baby. Yes you can learn to eat with one hand or eat really fast ? but for a better way get a bouncer/rocker chair, place the baby in it by the table, talk to the baby, give the baby a toy to hold and rock the baby with your foot. This will give plenty of opportunity for you to eat your dinner whilst keeping baby happy.

OP are you finding things okay?

Yes babies sometimes have to be left to cry but you can do stuff and deal with baby too. I learned this with my second. By 4 months, she would be happy rolling on her play mat while I did stuff. I could eat while she napped in the sling or cot.

In fact I was more relaxed with dd than with my first baby, with whom I was obsessed with routine etc etc. dd naps anywhere, goes to bed well, eats well etc etc and I think me letting go a bit really made the difference.

Anyway OP, I'd ask yourself why you're sticking to such a routine.