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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

417 replies

roses2 · 04/05/2013 15:51

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

OP posts:
MoominsYonisAreScary · 04/05/2013 20:33

It's not forever, in a couple if months he will be sat at the table chucking food at you! Sorry but until then there will be times when you have to leave what you are doing and pick him up.

Tell mil from now on you will be eating at a different time from her then she can hold the baby while you eat

Cloverer · 04/05/2013 20:34

I've never heard of "retreat and return", but assume it is a form of controlled crying? Are you trying to get your baby to sleep in front of the TV while you eat? A 4 month old has no concept that you will return or that you are trying to teach him something - he just knows he is upset and needs a cuddle.

Maryz · 04/05/2013 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moonstorm · 04/05/2013 20:36

A four month old dosent understand retreat and return, they just see you leaving and panic. You can't expect him to understand with adult logic.

I never left mine to cry, I couldn't bear not holding them and reassuring them.

YABU

maddening · 04/05/2013 20:38

have you tried a sling then op? Might be a good answer.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 04/05/2013 20:45

It's not like the mil is stopping op from picking him up though, she just doesn't like him being left to cry. Lots of people would feel the same.

Sounds like she's upset that your leaving him to cry and like you said in your op you just want to eat your dinner without having to attend to him crying because it upsets your mil.

Iwaswatchingthat · 04/05/2013 20:46

OP - please don't worry.

Crying was my dd2's hobby. Unless she was clamped to me she was bawling. Total Velcro baby.

If I had held her every time she cried I would have not eaten, washed, slept again.

And to all those who say 'that is what having a baby is like' I would disagree. Dd1 rarely cried. Dd2 cried non stop.

Just tell your mil you will eat after your baby is in bed.

Your baby will not be harmed by a little bit of crying. Think about the generations who were left down the bottom if the garden in a pram. Are they all in counselling now?

Good luck!

neunundneunzigluftballons · 04/05/2013 20:47

Blue skies 4 adults sitting around a table ignoring a crying child at the behest of its mother is not the same at one or even 2 people fire fighting against 3 under 15 months. Babies cry and sometimes you cannot respond but contriving a situation where noone responds so adults can have a cry free dinner is not dealing with the realities of a 4 month old.

RhondaJean · 04/05/2013 20:47

Em I have two very well balanced older children and I have never held one of them while I ate a meal or missed a shower because of them. Especially as I was breastfeeding, I felt looking after my own health was vital.

However I did used to eat with them - they would get brought into the room, clean well fed and comfortable, and would have a shoogle in the pram/rock or bounce in the chair, and would be spoken to by us if they were awake.

Some of you are being very harsh here - and there are lots of posts deleted which I can only imagine were worse.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 04/05/2013 20:48

OP said she doesn't want MIL picking him up when he cries Confused
I don't understand the idea of retreat and return either. For the daytime? Why?

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 04/05/2013 20:49

Yuk I'd have rather eat my own hair than use a sling.

1)they bloody hurt my neck
2)you get zero personal space

Maybe op doesn't want a sling.Hmm

Seriously op put him to bed first and no they don't need attention 24/7. Like all,of us they need down time.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 04/05/2013 20:49

That goes for the mil as well if she is not allowing 2 dinner sittings by the way.

plim · 04/05/2013 20:55

I don't agree with leaving a 4 month old to cry in front of the tv....I also don't believe you can follow a feeding routine when breastfeeding such a young baby. Feeding on demand and lots of close contact and cuddles worked well for my 3. One thing you could try is a pillow called my Brest friend - as you can feed the baby whilst eating your dinner and have two hands free!! I found it invaluable and whilst you might not want to feed the baby at the table with mil there - it makes life so much easier when feeding. Link here
www.mothercare.com/My-Brest-Friend-Maternity-Pillow/851037,default,pd.html

RhondaJean · 04/05/2013 21:00

Why the blazes would you want to feed the baby while eating your dinner????

My dd2 in particular was a preemie and spent several weeks in SCBU. All babies there are fed on schedule. She was fed on schedule till weaned and yes I breastfed and yes it worked perfectly well.

The trick though is to be adaptable with the schedule - if they are hungrier eg growth spurts make the feeds more frequent.

Op, if he is awake when you eat, have you tried involving him in the family meal without actually holding him?

MarjoryStewartBaxter · 04/05/2013 21:05

I suspect the op is now huddled in a corner crying her eyes out

Stick her in front of the tv until she stops?

plim · 04/05/2013 21:06

If you're feeding a baby on demand then you can feed them whilst eating your dinner. Sometimes young babies want feeding slap bang in the middle if dinnertime. Why is that so absurd? Far better than leaving them to cry and I've fed all of my babies wherever and whenever they've wanted to (apart from on the loo!). Each to their own of course ;)

Piemother · 04/05/2013 21:07

So it's not sustainable to care for a baby all day long?

Is retreat and return Gina or that fuck awful tizzie woman then? Or some other quack

pointythings · 04/05/2013 21:07

I agree with maryz that your living situation is the main problem. Your MIL needs to respect your family's needs, i.e. 2 sittings for dinner so that you can give your DS the attention he should have. She also needs to butt out about your choice to BF, which is clearly going well for you.

But your DS's need to be held does need to come first. With both my DDs I spent the first 4 months or so eating scatty dinners bit by bit, or taking it in turns with DH to eat so that one of us could hold our (unsettled in the evening) babies. It was a stage that passed. And they are now the most independent, confident non-clingy children you could wish for, so you will not be making a rod for your own back.

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 04/05/2013 21:07

[Hmm]

Jeez thank god MN isn't real life.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 04/05/2013 21:09

OP. the thing is, it's not forever. I have a 10 month old and i still remember the 4 month time. It was crap in many ways. Exhausting, constant. The jiggling, the pacing, the swaying, the bouncing, did i mention the jiggling?

I had my MIL staying with me. Bit different as i had more control but i still had the weight of judgement and doing dinner, lunch etc...it's hard and made me a bit irrational. Not saying you are irrational but i know i wanted it to get easier and more routine and would have seen the appeal of feeding regimes etc but go with your instincts and pick the baby up.

Eat after the baby is in bed. Let MIL hold the baby if she insists on one dinner time before baby is asleep. My guess is she'll get more flexible about this after a few cold, one handed meals!

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 04/05/2013 21:10

Pie thousands of babies have thrived on Gina,mine included.

So it's not your bag.Hmm

Original poster
roses2 · 04/05/2013 21:11

I've got the my Brest friend feeding pillow and I agree, it's absolutely amazing. However meal times are when my MIL has finished cooking, they don't revolve around the baby.

Slings don't work. He cries when I sit down because he wants to walk around and see things. So whoever is holding him has to walk around the whole time as he cries when sat down.

OP posts:
plim · 04/05/2013 21:12

Oh no, let's not open the gina can of worms....Wine

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 04/05/2013 21:13

So can't you push his bedtime forward and dinner back.

RhondaJean · 04/05/2013 21:14

Sorry plim I didn't mean that to sound quite as rude as it came across!

I have always been someone who has to have planned organised meal times and sit down to eat or I get indigestion/ end up very grumpy and it has a bad effect on my overall wellbeing.

I also didn't find breastfeeding a natural process at all and required full attention on it, and the thought of juggling feeding baby/trying not to lose latch/ juggling meal etc - good lord that is honestly my idea of hell.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one to feel like that...