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Original poster

For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

417 replies

roses2 · 04/05/2013 15:51

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

OP posts:
Cloverer · 04/05/2013 21:14

roses - sometimes you can't stop them crying, but you can still comfort him. Leaving him to cry alone in front of the TV while you ignore him is unnecessary, and it is understandable that your MIL finds it distressing.

Do you think you might be depressed?

plim · 04/05/2013 21:15

Op could it be that he's hungry maybe? Could you have your dinner later when baby is asleep? In my house dinner did revolve very much around the babies.

Sirzy · 04/05/2013 21:16

Does she cook meals for the same time every day? If so can you try to change nap/bedtimes? Or just aplogise to your MIL and say you will cook yourself something/heat yours up when the baby has been sorted?

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 04/05/2013 21:16

What because she wants to eat one meal in peace?Hmm

plim · 04/05/2013 21:16

No worries rhondajean :)

Cloverer · 04/05/2013 21:17

Also agree that life does have to revolve around the baby for a while when they are little. Soon your baby will either be more settled in the evening and going to bed earlier so you can eat afterwards, or you can all eat early together.

Sirzy · 04/05/2013 21:17

When he is able to sit up you may want to consider putting him in a high chair at the table with some toys so he with everyone and part of the meal.

AmandaPayneAteTooMuchChocolate · 04/05/2013 21:18

OP - Retreat and return is a settling technique for sleep isn't it? It's not something you do to make a baby sit on its own during the day.

Controlled crying is a similar technique to retreat and return. And whilst people on here feel strongly about it, the thing is that, if done at the right age and the right way, it should only be a couple of nights, maybe a few, of upset. It isn't for me, but it is a way, and it generally works.

You cannot do retreat and return for making a baby sit by themselves in a pushchair in the daytime (and by 'by themselves' I mean not being held, not being alone in a room). A baby in a cot, in a gro bag, in a dark room on their own and with a mobile can understand what will happen when all those circumstances are replicated. A baby sitting in a room full of people just isn't going to understand why sometimes they are picked up and sometimes not. If your DS has stopped crying when you are on your own, I can only assume he's starting to think you'll never pick him up. Which isn't a fab message to send to be blunt.

I think personally I'd eat with the baby on my lap even if he still cried. A baby crying in your arms is experiencing something rather different to a baby crying and being intentionally left. Yes, there are times a baby needs to be left. DD2 screamed through many a shower when she was small. I couldn't wait because I had DD1 to get out to places, but I'd put her in her bouncy chair and talk to her and comfort her the whole time, and stick my head around the shower curtain. The 3 minutes didn't hurt her I don't believe. But making a child wait whilst you sit and eat a meal is, IMO, too long and unnecessary.

IsItMeOr · 04/05/2013 21:19

roses I agree with others that this seems to be more about your frustration with having to live with your PILs.

Unfortunately, that seems to be prompting you to act in a slightly confusing way. It sounds like MIL is happy to hold your DC at mealtime, but you don't want her to. Yet you go along with her insistence that you all eat together, and rather than let MIL hold DC, you prefer to let them cry while you all eat.

I'm sorry if that is not what actually happens, but that is what I think you have described, and it sounds unhealthy for you and your DC.

Hope it's not the case, and that you get any issues with your living situation resolved soon.

Cloverer · 04/05/2013 21:19

Wanting to eat a meal in peace is one thing, but being able to just ignore your baby when they are distressed/crying is an unusual response in a mother. The fact that the OP doesn't understand why the MIL finds it upsetting suggests maybe a bit of disconnection.

TwinkleTits · 04/05/2013 21:19

All the same OP id rather hold my crying baby, the have him sitting alone in front of the tv at 4 months old.

Quite understandably, your latest post is very different from your OP. I hope it is because you have realised its probably not the best thing to leave your baby, and that your MIL is right. They do cry for a reason.

So he keeps crying when you pick him up. If you were sobbing would you rather sob in your husband/mothers arms? Or be left by the, to sob alone?

AmandaPayneAteTooMuchChocolate · 04/05/2013 21:21

Sorry - the eat with him on your lap bit was assuming you can't move the meal until after he is in bed, or move his bedtime forward.

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 04/05/2013 21:23

Oh for goodness sake hoards of mums have to and do ignore crying at some point.

If you have picked up and dealt with a crying baby all day sorry but by the evening I know plenty who could happily ignore a grizzling baby for a short period of time.

Piemother · 04/05/2013 21:25

I'm all for passing over gf. There are far worse baby trainers these days!

Cloverer · 04/05/2013 21:25

A baby "crying a lot" for the duration of a meal is not the same as a little bit of grizzling for a few minutes.

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 04/05/2013 21:28

Grizzling/ crying whatever.After a whole day bfing and dealing with a cranky baby sorry but I for one would have had a bellyful by tea time.

Original poster
roses2 · 04/05/2013 21:28

Who said I said MIL couldn't pick him up? I certainly didn't, she's welcome to cuddle him whenever she wants but at meal times she doesn't want to pick him up and she doesn't want him crying at the table while trying to eat.

I'd rather have him crying at the table. I don't like putting him in the other room but MILs comments are very upsetting.

I wasn't depressed before but after reading this thread, now I am.

OP posts:
AmandaPayneAteTooMuchChocolate · 04/05/2013 21:31

You said he cried more when your MIL was at table as he knew she would pick him up. That's where people have understood you as meaning she would pick him up and you don't want her to (as you don't, so he doesn't cry so much when you are on your own)

Cloverer · 04/05/2013 21:31

Your living situation does sounds stressful, but I think you have to prioritise your baby's need to be comforted over your MIL's desire to have everyone eat at the same time.

Your comments about not wanting to give him attention and the baby knowing you won't pick him up makes it sounds like you've struggled to bond a bit?

plim · 04/05/2013 21:32

Roses I would just eat later / earlier, whatever works best for you and the baby not mil.

Cloverer · 04/05/2013 21:32

What time are you having dinner? If the baby is miserable and hard to comfort by that time then maybe he needs a feed and bed?

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 04/05/2013 21:33

Cloverer bollocks.

Iwaswatchingthat · 04/05/2013 21:33

Blue skies - I could not agree more.

All the mums I knew in real life when they had small babies felt the same too.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 04/05/2013 21:33

That makes it more clear to be honest. It read as if she wanted to pick him up but you didn't want her to (re read your OP, it's there)
You are going to have to put your foot down. Your MIL wants you to sit down to dinner together, but won't tolerate your baby crying, and won't tolerate either of you eating at another time so you can entertain the baby while the rest eat? That's not fair. You have to find a way that works for you and if that means you and DH eat later then insist. It isn't sensible to try to eat dinner before the baby goes to bed if you have a choice in the matter.

Iwaswatchingthat · 04/05/2013 21:34

I meant I could not agree more about having a bellyful of a baby crying.

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