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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lie to the church about our godparents?

368 replies

bumblebeesue · 03/05/2013 15:25

We're having our child christened, mostly at the insistence of our parents, but also because it's a nice day and (I suspect) it means more to DH than he is letting on.

I got the paperwork to fill in today and 'godparents' have to be christened with at least one being confirmed.

Even though I'm not sure what I believe, choosing godparents is still important to me as people who will be there for our children should anything happen to us... But out of our two best couple friends (one being my sibling and his wife, and the other being best friends of ours for 20 years) only one is christened. (and confirmed)

I don't want to have to choose other people just because they are christened. I want to choose the very best people for my child in the future. (plus I know that they all really want to do it and would be amazing.)

So AIBU to just tick 'christened' even though they aren't? And what are the chances of being caught out?

OP posts:
Joiningthegang · 04/05/2013 06:36

Yanbu

tholeon · 04/05/2013 06:48

I think you can be as agnostic as you like and go to church and do church stuff, but you need to show respect. Lying isn't respectful. Have a naming ceremony.

ivanapoo · 04/05/2013 06:52

My idea of a "nice day" is not one involving lies, disrespect and making my child do things I don't believe in personally, but hey. Don't let it spoil your enjoyment. Your poor friend being forced to say they bow to a god they don't believe in too (if they agree to be a godparent) - how hollow they will feel.

If God reads AIBU I reckon it's going to piss it down for the duration. Grin

exoticfruits · 04/05/2013 06:57

I would re think. The purpose of Godparents is not to be there in case anything happens to you. I would make your will, if not already done, and make them guardians. (Something everyone with children should do).
If you want a 'welcome them into the world' type party then have a naming ceremony. If you Google 'humanist naming ceremony' you can find out all about it.
The Christening ceremony is a very serious commitment and not something to do because your PIL want it. We had to choose our DCs Godparents according to those we knew could make the promises. We didn't ask some people that I would have had as first choice because I didn't want to put them on the spot of having to either say words they didn't mean, or refusing. I dare say you could lie but if it was me it would spoil the day for me, knowing that I had lied. If the lie doesn't bother you then I can't really see why you want a church ceremony.

exoticfruits · 04/05/2013 06:59

Have you actually looked at the wording that you and the godparents will have to say? Can you truthfully make the promises?

RubyGates · 04/05/2013 07:13

If you are happy to lie about it,
and your chosen GPs are happy to lie about it
then you clearly have absolutely no respect for the Church that you are hypocritically having your child accepted into.

The Church will be happy to accept your child into the fold, your child may one day decide to explore his/her baptismal faith one day.
But to surround your child with hypocrites and liers might not be the best start in life. If they and you are prepared to lie about that, what else might you be prepared to lie about?

RubyGates · 04/05/2013 07:14

liars even.

CheerfulYank · 04/05/2013 07:33

Yabu. And yabu for even asking, since you don't care what what others think.

lilystem · 04/05/2013 07:47

If you do go ahead I hope you respond extremely generously to the vicars normal request for a donation for the free services they are rendering to hour family in good faith.

TerrysAllGold · 04/05/2013 08:44

I thought I'd pop back and see whether it's just me who thinks the OP is out of order. Apparently not. It seems that most others on here do too.

This is interesting as the OP thinks I (an Athiest) must have "deeper issues" for being pretty disgusted at her lies and disrespect. I guess you guys must all have "deeper issues" too then. There must be an awful lot of these non existent "deeper issues" about. Hmm

Kafri · 04/05/2013 09:10

it made me laugh when I read the one where op said once she'd wheedled through all the posts that said she was BU and found the few that said she wasnt then obviously she knew she wasn't BU.

I've not long since had my ds christened but i think i fancy another 'nice day'. is it too soon to organise his bar mitzvah? Grin oh and can anyone think of any other religions i could gatecrash all for the sake of a nice day?

waits patiently for op to accuse me of BU (oh the irony)

NotMostPeople · 04/05/2013 09:25

I am an atheist and DH comes from a Catholic family, he doesn't believe but finds the whole thing hard as his parents very strictly adhere to their faith. When dd1 was born we struggled with what to do about a christening as I really didn't want to, DH wasn't bothered but his parents would have been very upset about it. In the end we spoke to his family Priest who was far more moderate than the PIL's and a really lovely man (sadly no longer with us). He said he'd be very happy to conduct a christening even though he knew our feelings if that was what we wanted and in the end I capitulated for the sake of the PIL's. I figured it was important to them and no skin off my nose.

Both of DD's godparents were christened but one was another atheist now, the Priest didn't even ask us.

So for all those who say you shouldn't do it what would you say to my PIL's who believe very strongly that if she hadn't been baptised then she would go to hell? We did it for them and for their comfort.

Kafri · 04/05/2013 09:27

OP - thought you might like to see the lies promises both you and the GPs will be making.

Vicar
'Parents and godparents, the Church receives these children with joy.
Today we are trusting God for their growth in faith.
Will you pray for them,
draw them by your example into the community of faith
and walk with them in the way of Christ?

P&GPs
With the help of God,we will.

Vicar
In baptism these children begin their journey in faith.
You speak for them today.
Will you care for them,
and help them to take their place
within the life and worship of Christ?s Church'?

P&GPs
With the help of God,we will.

Vicar
In baptism, God calls us out of darkness into his marvellous light.
To follow Christ means dying to sin and rising to new life with him.
Therefore I ask:
Do you reject the devil and all rebellion against God?
P&GPs
I reject them.
Vicar
Do you renounce the deceit and corruption of evil?
P&GPs
I renounce them.
Vicar
Do you repent of the sins that separate us from God and neighbour?
P&GPs
I repent of them.
Vicar
Do you turn to Christ as Saviour?
P&GPs
I turn to Christ.
Vicar
Do you submit to Christ as Lord?
P&GPs
I submit to Christ.
Vicar
Do you come to Christ, the way, the truth and the life?
I come to Christ.

RubyGates · 04/05/2013 09:29

So for all those who say you shouldn't do it what would you say to my PIL's who believe very strongly that if she hadn't been baptised then she would go to hell? We did it for them and for their comfort

No but OP could talk to the priest, tell him of her concerns and then tell the Grandparents what he said. Or better still take the Grandparents along to the priest with her.

Lies, deceit and hypocricy are hardly a good start are they?

GoldenGreen · 04/05/2013 09:33

Dn't know if you are still reading this OP, but if so have you thought about having one set of people as official religious godparents and another set to be unofficial guardians? As long as everyone involved understands why, that could be a way of being honest with the church but also having the godparents you have chosen.

I have been in a similiar situation but my culture is different from yours so my experience might not be terribly helpful - do PM me though if you want to chat about it.

Sirzy · 04/05/2013 09:39

I don't think "to keep grandparents happy" is a good reason to baptise. If grandparents were from 2 different religions would you do ceremonies from both to keep all happy?

Even so that doesn't change the fact that the Op would be very unreasonable to lie to the church (or to anyone) about the faith of godparents

Kafri · 04/05/2013 09:52

So for all those who say you shouldn't do it what would you say to my PIL's who believe very strongly that if she hadn't been baptised then she would go to hell? We did it for them and for their comfort.

I would say

'Im very sorry but this goes against my beliefs. If you would like to take dc to church each week then that is fine and dc can make up their own mind about being baptised when s/he is old enough'.

I had ds baptised in line with my faith and if he wishes, when he's old enough, he can choose to continue that faith and be confirmed or not. I certainly wouldn't be doing it for someone else (apart from DH, if it fell that way)
Your PILS had their say with their own dc.

TerrysAllGold · 04/05/2013 09:52

"So for all those who say you shouldn't do it what would you say to my PIL's who believe very strongly that if she hadn't been baptised then she would go to hell?"

Honestly? I would say "This is my child, not yours. I don't believe so I'm not doing it. I call the shots here, not you".

Alternatively, I'd say:

"Get a grip FFS".

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 04/05/2013 10:30

So for all those who say you shouldn't do it what would you say to my PIL's who believe very strongly that if she hadn't been baptised then she would go to hell? We did it for them and for their comfort

My parents or PIL wouldn't dare say anything like that to me and my DH Grin.

tholeon · 04/05/2013 10:45

I would think it was a terribly upsetting and wrong version of Christianity that would send an unbaptised baby to hell, and would have to speak to my in laws about it. Not ideas I would want my dc to grow up with or associate with church.

StuntGirl · 04/05/2013 11:23

My Uncle didn't baptise my cousin so my v. Catholic Granny baptised him in the sink when she was babysitting him one day, precisely because she was scared he'd go to hell Grin

tholeon · 04/05/2013 11:43

Tess of the D'urbervilles anyone? Horrible antiquated idea.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 04/05/2013 12:00

My mum's idea of 'limbo' is flying dead babies! BlushShock(mainly)Grin

Sorry. Am Catholic, follow the church but the image of flying angry babies still makes me giggle! Thinks of toy dolls in 99 pence shops.... Hmm Maybe mum was right....

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 04/05/2013 12:01

Or maybe Shock and if we had: [horror] would be a better descriptor of said toys.

exoticfruits · 04/05/2013 12:30

If they have the silly idea of the unbaptised going to hell I would get the vicar/ priest to speak to them.

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