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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lie to the church about our godparents?

368 replies

bumblebeesue · 03/05/2013 15:25

We're having our child christened, mostly at the insistence of our parents, but also because it's a nice day and (I suspect) it means more to DH than he is letting on.

I got the paperwork to fill in today and 'godparents' have to be christened with at least one being confirmed.

Even though I'm not sure what I believe, choosing godparents is still important to me as people who will be there for our children should anything happen to us... But out of our two best couple friends (one being my sibling and his wife, and the other being best friends of ours for 20 years) only one is christened. (and confirmed)

I don't want to have to choose other people just because they are christened. I want to choose the very best people for my child in the future. (plus I know that they all really want to do it and would be amazing.)

So AIBU to just tick 'christened' even though they aren't? And what are the chances of being caught out?

OP posts:
FannyMcNally · 03/05/2013 19:29

Right. Have a christening with baptised Godparents who can be responsible for their religious path in life. Then have a naming ceremony with unbaptised Oddparents who will be the friends who you want to do those duties that you think GPs are supposed to do.

DeskPlanner · 03/05/2013 19:29

I am utterly shocked that you can think It's ok to lie like this. Shock I'm also baffled as to why your bothering at all, since you don't belong to the religion. Children should not be christened, because, its the done thing, to please grandparents, to get into a certain school or any other stupid reason. That's just not what its about. Sad
Tell the lie if you want, you sound like you will anyway. You probably won't be caught and nothing will happen. But this is totally the wrong way to bring a child into the Christian faith. Well, thinking about it, you won't care about that, will you ?

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 03/05/2013 19:30

If you are going to do it, then do it properly. If you dont want to do it properly, then dont do it.
I also feel that your take on this is insulting. I watched my adult cousin and his GF being christened at the same time as their DC a while ago. Turns out it was an excuse for a party and presents! What a piss take!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 03/05/2013 19:31

Choosing a guardian for your child should be much more where it's at than being a godparent anyway IMHO. Who would look after your children if you were gone, now there's a real question to ponder ? But godparents have tradition behind them don't they ? And I think historically there might have been a link with guardianship, some people certainly seem to make those links .... Anyone know more about that aspect of things ?

SugarplumKate · 03/05/2013 19:32

We had to provide details such as the Parish/Church our GP were Christened at and the date. If they and you would really like them to be Godparents, with the religious role that it implies, then why not suggest they get Christened at the same time? (I've been to a Baptism where this happened). Or you could choose a non-religious naming ceremony and have an equally lovely day?

thermalsinapril · 03/05/2013 19:34

YABU. I can't see the point of arranging something you don't want, and invalidating the requirements for godparents by surreptitiously ignoring them Confused Doesn't seem in the spirit of things really.

QuintessentialOHara · 03/05/2013 19:59

Well, in all honesty, it is a pretty pathetic excuse for a party!

I assume you will add a "gift list" with the invites? Wink

Original poster
bumblebeesue · 03/05/2013 20:22

No, no gift list. It's not about that and she already has a money box and my grandparents have a bible for her, so nothing she needs... But thanks for the input.

My conscience is clear. If there is a god, I'm pretty sure he'd be okay with my daughter joining his church despite her mother Wink

I'm also quite sure that my 'godparents' will get away with it. If I weed through the self righteousness on here that's pretty much the answer I find.

Cheers, we'll be sure to have a lovely day Wink

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/05/2013 20:22

You are obviously reading a different thread from me, the vast majority of people including plenty who aren't christian have said YABU!

TobyLerone · 03/05/2013 20:32

"I'm also quite sure that my 'godparents' will get away with it. If I weed through the vast majority of answers saying you I am being unreasonable at best and downright offensive at worst, and look for the few who agree with me that's pretty much the answer I find."

Fixed your post.

TobyLerone · 03/05/2013 20:32

Apart from the random 'you', which shouldn't be there.

ghislaine · 03/05/2013 20:44

At my son's christening, the priest's sermon was about the point of infant baptism. Why have a christening for a child who doesn't know what is going on and can't consent to it? He said that it was an expression of the parents' values and their hopes for the values their child would grow up with.

What are your values?

As you say, your daughter has a money box and a bible already so perhaps her godparents could chip in for a moral compass?

StuntGirl · 03/05/2013 20:45

Why ask when you don't care about the answers?

Personally I hope the vicar asks for proof, simply because if your husband and his family want to bring your child into the church deception is not the most auspicious beginning. Perhaps a conversation with the vicar would bring a compromise.

I would also look into what you want in terms of guardianship for your children should you die. Being a godparent will not make them guardians, you need to consult a solicitor.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 03/05/2013 20:47

In fact, maybe we could have a MN whipround for a moral compass!

Wishiwasanheiress · 03/05/2013 20:49

Re godparents carrying the torch, there's absolutely no basis for thinking that it will tie u or carry u along with ur presently bessie mates. It plainly won't.

AngiBolen · 03/05/2013 20:49

I would say YABU.....BUT, I found it very difficult to find a confirmed Catholic to be my DCs Godfather. I ended up with FIL, and a "freind" of DH who has paid no interest in DC since turning up for baptism, and CofE confirmed friends.

The people who would have actually picked up the DC and taken them to mass when we were ill...gone to school mass if we couldn't go, would help DD with her communion dress/cake, will actually turn up for their confirmation and who would have remembered birthdays etc, aren't' even christened / baptised, and so couldn't be considered for Godparents.If I could go back and choose again I would be tempted to lie.

ariane5 · 03/05/2013 20:53

We had this problem when wanted dd1 christened.

Neither dh or I had been so in order for them to allow dd to be christened I had to be done before her and also dsis and db who were godparents as they wanted proof of godparents baptism so we couldn't have lied!

ariane5 · 03/05/2013 20:58

Could you not be honest and just make them honorary godparents instead ? We did this with ds1 as dh brother and sister had not been baptised and di not want to be yet still wanted a role so the church said they could be honorary godparents.

thermalsinapril · 03/05/2013 21:00

I'm also quite sure that my 'godparents' will get away with it.

Very possibly. But is "we can get away with it" a suitable reason for doing something in church, or anywhere else for that matter? Hmm

Sokmonsta · 03/05/2013 21:08

I didn't realise until the day of our christening that one of our godparents was not christened. It would appear the church did not check and relied on honesty - it was after the ceremony when we were talking that we found out so we did not say anything. Whilst this may appear dishonest, this person was chosen with her views in mind and I like the balance the beliefs our godparents bring to our children.

Some churches may check. Ours did not. We were made aware that one of our godparents was not christened prior to the service and the vicar arranged a wonderfully intimate evening ceremony for her to be christened. Maybe this is something your chosen people would consider doing if their beliefs allow them to?

ariane5 · 03/05/2013 21:15

I thought all churches checked. Our 'godparents meeting' was a very formal affair held in the church office where the vicar set out very clearly what was expected and checked about the suitability of our chosen godparents.

It was a bit awkward 3 adults having to be christened before dd1 but it was the only way they would allow it!

Wishiwasanheiress · 03/05/2013 21:24

Whatevs.

Karma is a circle. What goes around comes around usually.... Or there's always the pearly gates and a big red book. That covers most faith persuasions I think.
:)

StuntGirl · 03/05/2013 21:37

Agree.

Can you? Probably

Should you? Probably not.

Permanentlyexhausted · 03/05/2013 21:55

If they care as much as you feel they do, these potential Godparents would surely be willing to sign up to anything they are willing to sign your child up for.

So, if they are happy to be a Godparent, why don't they get Christened at the same ceremony?

What could be nicer than your child and their Godparent learning and growing together in their faith? I mean if it's good enough for your child...

If they really don't want to be Christened, I would be seriously concerned about the mentality of someone willing to sign a child to something they weren't prepared to do themselves.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 03/05/2013 22:14

Sympathise with angibolen. One of the dd's godmothers is seikh. We told the vicar and agreed she would participate in saying only part of the vows. I felt like I was ostracising her and for dd2 she did the lot. We are least close to the evangelical gps at this point. I don't feel our dcs religious upbringing is compromised. In any case it's up to us to go to church. A good friend is getting a lot of grief over HOW MUCH her dcs gps go to church on a way that feels very invasive. Every vicar is different. Ours worked with us to find a solution to everyone we cared about participating but some won't.

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