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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming

105 replies

bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 08:43

Dp and i live together and share childcare of our ds 17 months equally. We both have part time but quite high pressure jobs in education. When I'm working he's at home and vice versa. At play group yesterday, dp met a local childminder and was impressed that he thought she was nice and only charges 4ph. He has suddenly got all enthusiastic about leaving ds with her in some capacity so that he can go off and do his hobbies (extreme sports like kite surfing, paragliding) etc. on his days off. Am ibu to be fuming at this thought..... It is sickening and gut wrenching to leave ds to go to work (for me), and the thought of another woman getting paid to do what I am crying out to do (look after my son) because dp wants to be a man child and go off and do hobbies makes me livid...... I agree we all need time out, but surely that's what evenings and weekends are for.....

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 08:45

P.s. we had a slanging match this morning about it.... And now I feel even worse about leaving ds in the hurried and upset way I did Sad

OP posts:
ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 01/05/2013 09:20

Think yabu to be fuming. It might not be what you would choose to do with your time with your son but not everyone finds small children as much fun to be around. If you can afford it and you trust her then I wouldn't be angry at his choice.
It sounds as though you aren't happy with the amount of time you get with your son though so maybe talk to him about that.

diddl · 01/05/2013 09:31

I think it's the thought that he would rather be off doing hobbies that with your son-and you would obviously like more time with your son!

Being a SAHP isn't for everyone-and if he doesn't want to-wouldn't the first thought be inceasing his hrs so that you can be a SAHP on more days-not off to do a hobby??

maddening · 01/05/2013 09:34

As long as he funds it himself out of his spare time - so maybe he could take a Saturday job to raise the extra funds to put dc in childcare and his new hobbies as they sound expensive.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 01/05/2013 09:38

If he's willing to pay more for chidcare, could you reduce your hours a bit instead? That way you'll both be happy: your DP gets to go out and do the hobbies he loves (not sure why that makes him a man-child, to be honest) and you get to do the thing you love (looking after your son more).

IHeartKingThistle · 01/05/2013 09:39

But with a Saturday job he'd be away from ds even more!

Yeah I wouldn't be happy either. An hour or two every so often wouldn't overly bother me but these are hobbies that take longer than that, aren't they?

raspberryroop · 01/05/2013 09:48

Having a hobby is not being a manchild - just different from what you want, I think its actually very childish of you not to understand this. As long as its not an outrageous amount of time.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 09:52

Rhasberry of course hobbies don't make you childish.... But it's the pursuit of them at all costs that I think is a bit neglectful to those around you. I'd love to have more time to indulge myself in all sorts of hobbies.... Unfortunately I am the sensible one that ends up doing all the practical stuff

OP posts:
CajaDeLaMemoria · 01/05/2013 09:58

But he doesn't need a Saturday job?

Presuming that he's actually done the maths, he clearly thinks you can afford both for him to go and do his activities, and for him to be paying £4 p/h for someone to be looking after your son while he does so. I'm going to presume that he knows the finances of your household, and that this is true, because that's a whole other ballgame.

Therefore he can go and do his hobbies, but you can reduce your hours so that you are looking after him, rather than the childminder. Which is what you said you wanted.

I get the feeling you object to this without really knowing why, though. Do you just not want your son in any type of paid childcare?

If you want more time to indulge in your hobbies, book a morning with the childminder on one of your days, too. Your son will be happy and well looked after, and get to socialise with other children, and you can enjoy yourself and then pick him up and spend the rest of the day with him.

But like I said, from your comments and your argument with DH, it's really hard to see where you are coming from.

LessMissAbs · 01/05/2013 10:01

I think having hobbies is healthy, as long as you also get time for them. I don't think refusing to give up all hobbies on having children is childish.

Did he do these hobbies (or similar) before you had children?

raspberryroop · 01/05/2013 10:02

As Caja I cannot see what your objection is except that you think its being a manchild. If you can't afford it then that's a different matter but that's not what you have said. And how are you being the sensible one? Most 'adults' can maintain interests outside of their work and child without becoming irresponsible feckless wasters. If he doesn't do his fair share of housework that is a totally separate issue than having a hobby.

melika · 01/05/2013 10:03

YANBU, it makes you feel he doesn't want to spend any time with your DS. Why is it socially acceptable for the man to do this, but if you paid the childminder while you went to the spa it would be a different matter altogether. I think I would be mad too.

raspberryroop · 01/05/2013 10:10

Melika - I pay for childcare to go to the Spa and to the gym - Nobody I know has a problem with it and I Home Ed one of mine and am pretty AP but still recognise I need me time. And if anyone did have a problem - I wouldn't give a shit anyway.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter · 01/05/2013 10:21

As long as you also get the same amount of time to do what you wish. If he is not ok with that, then he is being vvvunreasonable!

melika · 01/05/2013 10:24

Well, good for you, but I never dreamed of doing this and didn't. I find it strange that a father would go and do this rather than spending time with his child.

ryanboy · 01/05/2013 10:24

YABU.He is allowed to be different to you!!!

Crinkle77 · 01/05/2013 10:32

I do agree with you a bit OP. Of course he is allowed a hobby but if he wants to leave your son with a childminder cos he can't be bothered with doing the child care then that is a bit off. It all depends on how many hours off he is talking about. If it a small proportion of the time then that's not too bad but if it's the majority then he is being selfish. I am sure you would like to go off and do your own thing but you are putting your son first.

LEMisdisappointed · 01/05/2013 10:34

Have im walked into a parallel universe? Of course yanbu im cant believe people think its ok he is being selfish and needs to grow up those sports are expensive. I assume ypur arrangement was so your ds had parental childcare if he is finding thats unfulfilling letzte hime work fulltime. If its an occasional thing id feeld differently

melika · 01/05/2013 10:34

Crinkle77 exactly, I rest my case!Wink

fedupofnamechanging · 01/05/2013 10:38

YANBU - leaving a child in paid childcare should be a joint decision, not one he decides unilaterally. If you are not happy with the idea, then he should respect your wishes.

Presumably you discussed child care arrangements before you had a child - if he finds looking after his own child to be be boring, then he shouldn't have had one. I get that sah is not for everyone, but he is not sah on a full time basis and does have free time at evenings and weekends.

Crinkle77 · 01/05/2013 10:43

Plus the child minder only charges £4 an hour? Why that cheap? Would set alarm bells ringing for me

loofet · 01/05/2013 10:43

Agree with others saying you should reduce hours instead of getting a childminder. Best of both worlds really- he gets to do his hobbies and you get more time with your DC. He isn't childish for wanting to pursue hobbies btw and I gather you can afford to do it so he's entitled to do it. If you can afford a childminder I gather you can afford to reduce your hours, no?

KansasCityOctopus · 01/05/2013 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LastTangoInDevonshire · 01/05/2013 10:49

I used to pay a childminder one day a week to look after my son so I could have some 'me' time, and I wasn't working. Can't see your problem, except you obviously think your DP doesn't love your son as much as you do or he would want to be with him as much as you do.

Some people just DON'T.

raspberryroop · 01/05/2013 10:49

melika - just because YOU wouldn't do it doesn't mean its not a reasonable thing to do - but then I'm surprised you are on here should you not be adoring or otherwise being with your child/children or if they are at school why are you not working ? Oh yeh - you are doing something YOU want to do . Same thing to OP actually.