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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming

105 replies

bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 08:43

Dp and i live together and share childcare of our ds 17 months equally. We both have part time but quite high pressure jobs in education. When I'm working he's at home and vice versa. At play group yesterday, dp met a local childminder and was impressed that he thought she was nice and only charges 4ph. He has suddenly got all enthusiastic about leaving ds with her in some capacity so that he can go off and do his hobbies (extreme sports like kite surfing, paragliding) etc. on his days off. Am ibu to be fuming at this thought..... It is sickening and gut wrenching to leave ds to go to work (for me), and the thought of another woman getting paid to do what I am crying out to do (look after my son) because dp wants to be a man child and go off and do hobbies makes me livid...... I agree we all need time out, but surely that's what evenings and weekends are for.....

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 11:33

Hiya thanks for these posts, they seem pretty evenly split.

Just a quick reply as I'm between meetings and will answer properly tonight.

At the heart of it, I'm gutted he won't pay me, the MUMMY to look after my own child as he thinks we both need to work financially (and he reckons there's no prospect oh him getting more hours- in reality he doesn't want them). So he will pay another woman peanuts to look after my child.

I see the benefits of socialising with other kids etc... I really get that point, but I take him to loads of activities and groups on my day off, so he gets some of that...

Some more info- dp does lifeboat training every Sunday (part serious, part social), goes out mountain biking most Friday Eve's and kayaking every couple of Thursdays. He's also free to do what he wants on a sat, as I'm there with ds. All I'm asking is as I've carefully negotiated hours to work round his work days, he can look after his son 2 and 1/2 days a week. He just sees windy conditions and thinks.... I could be kite surfing, even though he loves ds.... I literally cry going to work, and the thought of palming him off would not enter my mind (ok except when I'm really exhausted and want to sleep). Dp really doesn't have an onerous life!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 11:34

Yes I would love to be a sham....

OP posts:
Mnetter111 · 01/05/2013 11:42

Ok, if DH is already doing all that and won't assist you to be at home more then yanbu at all. I think you should talk to him about how you feel, crying while going to work isn't how it should be. Dd goes to nursery and she loves it, it makes me glad as she really enjoys herself so at least I have the comfort of knowing she is having fun.

NotTreadingGrapes · 01/05/2013 11:46

Blimey, he sounds like he has enough him-time as it is!

Mnetter111 · 01/05/2013 11:48

Yeah I'm shocked at how much he can squeeze in!...I thought it was a question of him wanting the odd day here and there. My DH is clearly hard done by :)

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 13:16

I thought this would be the perfect, modern solution - however in practice it feels so hard. Neither of our employers have reduced our workloads so we are still doing full time work in half the time and for half the pay (stressful). There's a bit of jealousy too if one of us has a sunny day off with him and the other rain (petit I know)... I always feel like I'm trying to spend quality time with ds and never bum around. I'm still the one up in the night and do most of the chores (though we have a cleaner 2 hrs a week)....

OP posts:
diddl · 01/05/2013 13:22

So what does he do with your son on the two and a half days that he has him?

If not much-that could be why he's bored!

diddl · 01/05/2013 13:24

Forgot to say-will you get a free/subsidised nursery place?

Maybe he could wait until then?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 13:26

Diddl he does do good things on his days off. Yesterday he claimed a hill / mountain with him.... Today he threatened to go canoeing with him Shock bit young IMHO but anyway.... I guess their not 'extreme' enough man......Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 13:27

I think we get a free nursery place in a year at 2 and a half I think???

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 13:28

I mean climbed a hill!!

OP posts:
Littlefish · 01/05/2013 13:41

You may get a nursery place at 2 and a bit (I think the age range has changed recently to the term after a child is 2), but it depends on you being eligible for certain benefits. To find out, contact your nearest children's centre.

raspberryroop · 01/05/2013 13:46

bordellosboheme - I do wish you had included everything he does do in your original post !!! He has lots of ME time and I apologise

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 13:49

Sorry rhasberry, it only occurred to me the more I thought about it!

OP posts:
Whatalotofpiffle · 01/05/2013 14:02

I am a childminder and one of my mindees comes once a week to give mum a break so she can do fun things... Not as odd as you might think!

diddl · 01/05/2013 14:09

But is she the main carer?

My PFB went to playgroup to give me a break-although by then I also had PSBHmm

But this guy only has his son for two and a half days a week!

Mnetter111 · 01/05/2013 14:09

I'm all for having me time but in this case imho DH isn't being reasonable re his demands imho. Fwiw you might also want to talk to your employer about more flexibility/reducing workload, is there any chance you can do more once dc are in bed from home? Not sure how feasible that is.

Inertia · 01/05/2013 14:20

So it would seem that the reason he cannot spend evening and weekend time to fit in this extra hobby is because he is already spending almost all his weekend and evening time doing other hobbies.

He isn't unreasonable to want to spend some time out of the house doing hobbies. He is unreasonable to expect to do it up to 5 times a week, and he's definitely unreasonable to tell you that you can't cut your hours to be at home with your child more, when he has the opportunity to be with his child but would rather pay someone else to do it. If he doesn't want to be at home with his child, then he should work that day so that OP can do the child care.

whois · 01/05/2013 15:01

And I agree with mikeoxford if he doesn't want to look after your DS why doesn't he go back full time and you become a SAHM?

Because the OP will be earning much more than £4 per hour!

I think tags it enough if he wants a morning to go off and do a hobby. Many SAHMs get that.

OP I think you need to chill, sounding pretty strange and anxious about the gut wrenching stuff.

whois · 01/05/2013 15:04

Oh I didn't see your second post OP!

So he actually gets loads of time for his hobbies! I can see why you don't want DC in paid child care when there isn't really a need.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 15:33

Re gut wrenching stuff I thought a lot of mums felt like that!

OP posts:
nightowlmostly · 01/05/2013 15:58

Yanbu OP, I get where you're coming from I think. If he wants to go off and do stuff when he's off and you're at work, then he could work that time instead and let you take care of your son. If he doesn't want to be at home, which is fair enough, he should make it easier for you to be seeing as its something you obviously really want.

Personally I work ft and my DH works part time, and I don't feel the same as you about gut wrenching etc. I enjoy going out to work and he likes staying home. If the current arrangement you have with your DH isn't working for you then you both need to have a talk and change it. If you can afford to both work part time then surely one of you could do full time and the other stay home?

diddl · 01/05/2013 17:41

If he works f/t, he still can't do his hobby in the week!

GiddyStars · 01/05/2013 17:51

YANBU!

maddening · 01/05/2013 23:34

I would suggest waiting till dc can go to preschool and dh can have free time then whilst dc gains a different experience from preschool.