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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming

105 replies

bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 08:43

Dp and i live together and share childcare of our ds 17 months equally. We both have part time but quite high pressure jobs in education. When I'm working he's at home and vice versa. At play group yesterday, dp met a local childminder and was impressed that he thought she was nice and only charges 4ph. He has suddenly got all enthusiastic about leaving ds with her in some capacity so that he can go off and do his hobbies (extreme sports like kite surfing, paragliding) etc. on his days off. Am ibu to be fuming at this thought..... It is sickening and gut wrenching to leave ds to go to work (for me), and the thought of another woman getting paid to do what I am crying out to do (look after my son) because dp wants to be a man child and go off and do hobbies makes me livid...... I agree we all need time out, but surely that's what evenings and weekends are for.....

OP posts:

CheesyPoofs · 01/05/2013 10:53

No I'd be annoyed too.

I'd expect DH to work full time if he's not looking after our children or contributing to the house in other ways like housework.

The exception being of course if you're really well off - and can afford to both work part time AND pay for childcare.

But in that case any free time needs to be split evenly so you both get chance for time off.

alienbanana · 01/05/2013 10:58

Hmmm tricky one.

Presumably you talked about this and have both negotiated part time hours so that there is always one of you at home with your DS. If your DP has now decided that he doesn't want to do this and would rather be out doing something else and wants to put your DS in childcare then he's going against the original agreement?

If on the other hand you think your DS is going to be OK in childcare why does he need to be part time? Can you afford the childcare/hobbies?

What exactly about this is bothering you - is it that he should want to spend time with your DS and shouldn't be off doing things he wants to do during that time, because that's the standard you set yourself.... ?

raspberryroop · 01/05/2013 10:58

At no point has the OP said that they cannt afford it or that she wants free time to - the whole point is she doesn't want him to jhave any free time . And if they are both working in 'high pressure' teaching jobs - even part time they are not on skid row are they?

Mnetter111 · 01/05/2013 10:58

Sounds like two issues to me, you want to work less, DH wants more time to do things on his own, neither is unreasonable so you need to sit down and talk about how you can try and accommodate both things a bit. Can DH work more so that you work less but have a day at the weekend to do extreme sports every couple of weeks? There has to be a solution that would make you both a bit happier.

alienbanana · 01/05/2013 10:59

"Agree with others saying you should reduce hours instead of getting a childminder"

Why should the OP reduce her hours? just because her DP wants to go out and do hobbies?

alienbanana · 01/05/2013 10:59

ah, x posts - missed that bit.

melika · 01/05/2013 11:04

OMG, ras being here while my DC are at school is hardly indulgent, is it? It's free, innit? I'm not paying £100 to kite surf while I'm paying a CM £4 per hour to look after my beloved DS.

Or are all MNetters here being selfish?

L8tlyK8tly · 01/05/2013 11:06

I am a sahm - and I consider myself very fortunate to have been able to be this so far but I do think that - in my experience - it is good for children to be used to going to someone else. My children never did because I never had the excuse (no extreme sports for me!) but in hindsight (DC aged 10 and 4) I think they'd be less clingy, more self-reliant and I would be able to leave them more easily if they'd been going to someone else even one day a week. My DS goes to pre-school and the children who've been to a cm even 1 day a week are so much better able to speak up about what they want. I do get your point as I know I'd have found it hard to leave my children with someone else - especially the first.

ryanboy · 01/05/2013 11:08

'Why should the OP reduce her hours? confused just because her DP wants to go out and do hobbies?'

She doesn't have to, but she can't have it all ways .She either reduces her hours and looks after their DC or allows her DP to get a CM.The OP wants to spend all her non-working time looking after her DS rather than pursuing any outside interests , why should her DP have to feel the same ?

ClaraDeLaNoche · 01/05/2013 11:09

YANBU. If he doesn't want to care for his child, he should up his hours at work and give you the chance. A couple of hours maybe but he is taking the piss otherwise. Even if you forget about the kid- if DH said actually I'm going to take a few days off a week to do some sport I would say No you're not we've got a mortgage etc.

raspberryroop · 01/05/2013 11:14

Melika - I don't think any MNetteras are selfish - but you are doing something other than child care or work - the op at no point has said they are short of money - if they are I have said then what he wants is totally unreasonable. Why is unreasonable for him ( qualifies again IF THY CAN AFFORD IT ) to do something he wants to do with a bit of bloody child care to facilitate it - just because she wants to be with her child 247 does not mean he should have to.

alienbanana · 01/05/2013 11:17

ryan - but presumably they had an agreement that DS would be looked after at home. And why is it that the woman always has to cut down her hours so the man can go off and do whatever he wants?

raspberryroop · 01/05/2013 11:22

He want to use a child minder - he's not suggested she cut her hours. So what if they agreed that he would be looked after at home - he's 15 months things change. If she was a SAHM and wanted to get a job would you say she can't because they 'had an agreement;??

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 01/05/2013 11:23

I think yabu. I can't see why it's "sickening and gut wrenching" unless you're SO unhappy working instead of being a SAHM.....you should discuss this as an option instead with your DH....he could work full time and you could stay at home instead.

NotTreadingGrapes · 01/05/2013 11:23

The only thing I find odd to be honest, but that's me, is that you share the childcare thing. It just wouldn't be for me and dp and our family set up, so it is unfair perhaps to comment on that aspect, it's just the first thing that hit me.

The second thing that hit me is your terminology, you feel sickened, you hate the idea of anyone else having your child because you have to work etc etc, you don't like seeing other children around when you are working because you miss your child so much.

Would it not be more feasible for him to work full time and you to take some kind of sabbatical?

You sound terribly unhappy, and, recognising your MN name as familiar, I looked at some of your recent posts. (we fell out on the child biting thread ) but you seem terribly anxious, and as I just said, unhappy about lots of things. (I was also on your thread about having another child)

I think maybe you and dh need to have a good talk about how you are feeling, and not just about the work thing.

MikeOxard · 01/05/2013 11:24

Yanbu. If he doesn't want to be with ds and you do, then he can go to work and you look after ds. Everyone's a winner. I'd be upset too if my dh was thinking this.

alienbanana · 01/05/2013 11:24

Oh don't be ridiculous.

CheesyPoofs · 01/05/2013 11:24

It's more about the balance of responsibilities in my opinion.

Each partner should contribute to household equally, whether they want to or not

OP's DH shouldn't have the luxury of working part time and spending his days off out of the house pursuing various hobbies, when OP has to work, provide childcare, and I assume there's housework and various other chores that need doing too.

That can only lead to resentment IMO. Especially as it's against the original plan and OP doesn't agree with it.

And YES it does sound like OP is putting her DS first. I'm sure she would love whole days off to piss about, but she's thinking about her DS and what she considers is best for him. OP's DH is thinking about himself first.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 01/05/2013 11:25

The OP should reduce her hours because she is sickened that her DH wants to use a CM when SHE wants to be with her son. It''s obvious!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 01/05/2013 11:26

Cheesy you've put it well. I think I understand better now...OP you would not be wrong to insist that no..DH doesn't do this. If he wants more time alone, he's only got a couple of years and DS will be in full time school

cantspel · 01/05/2013 11:26

Plenty of women put their dc into childcare so they can have some me time so why should a man not be able to do the same?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 01/05/2013 11:27

OP do you want to be a full time SAHM?

CheesyPoofs · 01/05/2013 11:27

And I agree with mikeoxford if he doesn't want to look after your DS why doesn't he go back full time and you become a SAHM?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 01/05/2013 11:28

Cantspel I belive in this case, the OP is upset as the balance they had before was well thought out in a way that both parents wouldn't be slogging their guts out with a child in a nursery...and so both got time with their son.

Now her DH wants to use THEIR money to hav someone else care for their child when the OP would like to be in a position to do it herself.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 01/05/2013 11:29

That's what I thought too Cheesy.

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