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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming

105 replies

bordellosboheme · 01/05/2013 08:43

Dp and i live together and share childcare of our ds 17 months equally. We both have part time but quite high pressure jobs in education. When I'm working he's at home and vice versa. At play group yesterday, dp met a local childminder and was impressed that he thought she was nice and only charges 4ph. He has suddenly got all enthusiastic about leaving ds with her in some capacity so that he can go off and do his hobbies (extreme sports like kite surfing, paragliding) etc. on his days off. Am ibu to be fuming at this thought..... It is sickening and gut wrenching to leave ds to go to work (for me), and the thought of another woman getting paid to do what I am crying out to do (look after my son) because dp wants to be a man child and go off and do hobbies makes me livid...... I agree we all need time out, but surely that's what evenings and weekends are for.....

OP posts:

maddening · 01/05/2013 23:36

Ps you can pay to attend preschool from 2 you don't have to get a free place so it doesn't matter if you don't fit that criteria (well only fiscally)

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 02/05/2013 07:26

Thanks all I agree waiting til preschool would be better as he will be settled in one place...

OP posts:

TerrysAllGold · 02/05/2013 07:57

YABentirelyU. Just because you find being a carer for a small child satisfying and a pleasure doesn't mean everyone does. You're trying to project your own desires and emotions onto your partner but it doesn't work like that! Some people, male and female, do use childcare in order to pursue hobbies, be that hang gliding or going to the gym and sauna.

Your partner's an adult. No adult should be dictated to - after all, he's not doing it to you. If he said that you must care for your son while he went about his hobbies it would be reasonable for you to object but he isn't, he's come up with a professional, experienced alternative to doing it himself.

Smartieaddict · 02/05/2013 08:01

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but from your OP, the ideal solution seems to be you cut your hours slightly, so he can do his hobbies, and you have the extra time with your DC. That way everyone wins!

MortifiedAdams · 02/05/2013 08:03

Love how some are sayingOP is NBU. I can just imagine an alternatice thread....

"DH and I split childcare entirely. I need a little bit of 'me' time so am considering using a CM for one day a week so I can run/sew/climb/bake/read. DH is dead against it and is calling me selfish to put DS is childcare. What do I do?"

To.which the resounding replies would be "you need some you time......he is a dick........HE is the selfish one......leAve the bastard"

The double standards on here baffle.me sometimes.

flipchart · 02/05/2013 08:09

I agree wth you Mortified.

diddl · 02/05/2013 08:48

But if OP cuts her hrs to have her son whilst her husband pursues hobbies then they are out of pocket?

Or OP can't cut her hours?

Mnetter111 · 02/05/2013 08:56

Not at all, this isnt about me time, I think op is not being unreasonable because DH isn't listening to her need to be at home with her DS more. Plus if you look at the later post re hobbies he is already doing many activities, it's not about the issue of whether they get paid childcare or not as such, but that op wants to do it but can't.

TerrysAllGold · 02/05/2013 08:57

That's life, diddl. You pays your money and you makes your choice. The OP can't have it both ways. And that's why the OP's partner is instead looking at the inexpensive option of employing a childminder. If the OP is so "fuming" and "gut wrenched" that she's crying at the thought of doing what thousands of others have or choose to do with their precious children she will have to make a choice.

I just don't get all this fury and crying on the way to work stuff.

diddl · 02/05/2013 09:02

Oh I know.

I can see it's sad from OPs POV though as she would like the time with her son that her husband doesn't want iyswim.

Goldmandra · 02/05/2013 09:09

I know exactly where you're coming from in terms of wanting to be with your DS, OP. I took a drop in income and became a childminder in order to stay home with mine purely because it seemed ridiculous to pay someone else to do something is was desperate to do myself and was certain I could do better.

If you end up going to work while paying someone else to childmind your DS how will the resulting resentment affect your family? I know for a fact that it would have caused problems in mine.

Your DS is only little for such a short time.

I think you should explore the possibility of reducing your hours if that's at all possible. You aren't ever likely to look back and regret spending too much time with your toddler even if it means some luxuries have to be sacrificed

Wouldntyouliketoknow · 02/05/2013 09:21

YANBU I don't think.

The whole point of you both working part-time was that you both got to spend time with DS and also both got to work. If DS is going to be with a childminder when DP isn't working then what's the point! DP might as well be working full time!

I would also say you should cut down your hours, so that you can then spend more time with DS instead of the childminder. If this isn't financially feasible then DP should just work full-time, seeing as he doesn't seem to want to spend much time with DS anyway.

Goldmandra · 02/05/2013 12:28

*Love how some are sayingOP is NBU. I can just imagine an alternatice thread....

Now add

"I already have a couple of evenings a week, all day Saturday and part of Sunday for me time during which time DH cares for DS."

Suddenly that doesn't sound so reasonable does it?

MortifiedAdams · 02/05/2013 12:48

How does she have that time? If DH and her are both off it becomes family time, so stepping out of that to spend time alone (imo) feels worse as you could be doing stuff all three of you together.

Goldmandra · 02/05/2013 12:51

So you think me time has to be when your partner is at work and the child is in childcare?

whistleahappytune · 02/05/2013 12:59

OP, a few things occur to me:

I think you need to separate your feelings about leaving DS from your feelings about your DP wanting more time for his hobbies. They are two separate issues.
If you can afford it (and it wouldn't necessarily break the bank to have DS at a CM, say 5 hours/week) then I don't see why your DP isn't allowed to do this. It seems he's found a practical solution. I think Terry made a good point. Some people just don't find toddlers that interesting and really struggle to come up with things to do with them. But one day, your very sporty DP will be taking DS kayaking.
However, £4/hour is way too cheap for a CM, as another wise poster has already mentioned
I'll try to say this as gently as possible, but I sense that you're having real difficulty letting go, even for limited amounts of time. Frankly, it sounds a bit neurotic and unhealthy - all this fuming, sickening, gut-wrenching stuff. I know you love your DS but little by little, you're going to have to loosen your grip, for both your sake and DS's. Please know I'm not trying to be mean here, this is what I'd say to a friend.
It may be time for you and DP to explore CM and nursery options for now and the near future. I believe that your perspective might change if you found a fantastic nursery or CM with lots of happy kids. One of the great joys is knowing that your child can be joyful and function in the wider world.

MortifiedAdams · 02/05/2013 13:01

my CM charges £4 per hr and is amazing. Three meals a day plus snacks, trips to parks beaches and museums, toddler groups etc. She adores her mindees and they her.

She is up t'north which might justify the rate but dont discount someone who.charges that.

whistleahappytune · 02/05/2013 13:06

Sorry Mort didn't mean to offend - glad you found someone fantastic that cheaply. You're right, of course, outside London £4/hour may be reasonable.

maddening · 02/05/2013 14:18

£4 per hour is norm/slightly expensive for a cm here - £3-3.50ph is cheap.

whistleahappytune · 02/05/2013 14:58

I clearly am living in the wrong city! I stand corrected, MN.

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 02/05/2013 17:15

What gold mandra said is very accurate... They're little such a short amount of time.... I want to be the one to teach him things and have fun together. I love his little fun personality and we get on really well. It seems daft to me for him to be with a cm, even a lovely one, when I get so much joy from being with him and I am his mum! I find switching from work to home like having Jekyll and Hyde personalities.... I quite like the idea of reducing my hours / retraining as a Montessori teacher or something.... I dunno. I don't feel I am neurotic..... Just love being with kids... And am quite attachment-y....

OP posts:

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 02/05/2013 17:18

Surely we're not meant to find it easy to let go when they're so young? I dunno. I don't think I'm neurotic

OP posts:

Torrorosso · 02/05/2013 17:28

I haven't read all of this, but the OP does sound a bit unreasonable.

Personally, I found babies and toddlers dull and being at home dreary, and couldn't wait to get back to my stimulating career. I also enjoy my sporty hobbies, although they took a back seat when the dc were very young (now we play sport together).

So, I can see where her dh is coming from, and I don't agree that everyone finds letting go difficult - some do, some don't, and I suspect it depends on what else you have going on in your life.

OP - you and you dh need a good talk. How time consuming would this hobby be? As long as the cm is good, a few hours away from his dad each week isn't going to harm him.

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 02/05/2013 17:36

Torrorroso I know what you're saying.... But I've done the 'stimulating career' thing but to me that's way more dull than being at home with ds... Everyone's different I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 02/05/2013 17:38

Ps we did have a good talk last night over a glass of wine.. Until I got a bit tipsy and accidentally poured wine over myself.. Not sure we've resolved anything yet satisfactorily though

OP posts:

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